The Daydream

THE DAYDREAM

It was a time for reflection, to bring memories back from the past. She knew the end of her journey in life had already begun and she searched her conscience daily. But although she realized that she had made many mistakes and caused much pain for herself and for others, she had only two regrets.
Regrets were a waste of time. She knew this. And she had always desperately tried to have none. But she was a feeler and a thinker and those two main parts of herself were in direct opposition to each other. The main parts of her personality blocked each other and they were the reason for her regrets.
The first of those regrets were that she had not walked as closely with God as she should have in her younger days. That had directly cost her children the joys of life they so richly deserved and had left them with the nightmares she had known stuck in the past without opportunity for the future and she regretted that bitterly. She was trying to atone for those mistakes. But she knew there would never be anything or any way that she could give back to them what they had never had. The only thing she could do for them now was to pray for them and to believe when God could forgive her for her foolishness that He would find a way to make it right.
Her other regret she could not pray about as she really needed to for that would be wrong. Even if God made a way for her to change it now, it would still be wrong. There was no way to go back and change it anyway. There were many people hurt over the years; two families destroyed including her own because she had not listened to her heart.
She remembered the first time she had ever seen him and the powerful magic that drew them together, so powerful that neither could control their feelings. She had never loved so deeply before or after. He was her. She was him. The shame of the whole thing was that they would never know the consummation of that love because she had denied them that.
It was funny that she couldn't remember why she felt she had to be such a good girl, why she felt it so important to wait until they were married. Even today, she believed that sex should be only within the boundaries of marriage, ideally. But this was not an ideal world. And things have a way of being snatched away when one does not live for today.
She remembered how his light brown hair waved away from his face. She remembered every detail of his appearance, the way his big brown eyes seemed to look into her soul, even the freckles that looked so cute on him to her although she hated her own. But most of all, she remembered his strong arms holding her close. She felt so safe there, so loved. She trusted him with her entire being. And she remembered the full lips, the taste of them on hers, the need she could not fulfil although her heart and her body longed to do so.
To be fair, it was not all her fault. He, too, liked the idea that she be kept pure for their wedding. Both believed her virginity to be a special gift for him on their wedding day. But they were both wrong. By denying themselves the very necessary expression of their love they destroyed the very future they were saving that gift for.
The Bible says there is a season for everything. And the season for their love had passed them by. There was another woman who was more than happy to fulfill his need although it was only a superficial bandaid to the deepest wound known to man. And that had made the other woman pregnant with his child (she said, although common knowledge was there were many possibilities and it was never proven. But being the man he was, he had done the right thing by the woman and married her although it ended in divorce shortly thereafter. But they could never pick up the pieces and begin again although they tried.
To make a long story short, she ended up marrying someone else who benefitted from their loss, who could never even appreciate the gift she had saved for her first love with whom she had shared her first dreams, her first romantic hug, her first romantic kiss and her first passionate kiss. That was her regret, that she had not shared her first physical sexual experience with him. That could never be, ever. She had shared that experience with him mentally and emotionally, even spiritually; but she could never share it with him physically.
The closest to that they had ever come was holding each other tightly (fully clothed) and caressing each other in the same fashion. That was what had gotten them through those times of weakness. At the time, they both believed it to be enough. But she knew now that it wasn't. It never was. At least, not for her. The depth of her love for him would never be realized. The hunger she felt for him now, many years later, could never be fulfilled because of her simple act of denying that part of their love when one simple act of consummation of sexual intercourse could have changed everything.
In their quest for a perfect life, a perfect marriage, a perfect relationship, they had sacrificed something so much better. Why had they denied each other the love they both needed so much to live?
Some might say if their love was that great, all was not lost. Maybe she could not be a virgin again; but they could still consummate their love. That was impossible now. There was no longer a choice for either of them.
Many times in her life, her imagination and daydreaming (fantasizing) about him had gotten her through her darkest moments. Those moments included the times in both her marriages that had left her feeling so worthless and so unwanted. Now that she had been alone (and platonic) for years, her imagination still got her through the rough times
But there were times when the physical need could not be ignored. Those were the times she prayed so desperately. And somehow God allowed her relief from the total emptiness she felt. There were many men who would be very happy to oblige her need. But she was not stupid because she realized physical release alone would never be enough. There was only one man who could fulfill her. There was only one man who could help her and relieve her and he could not.
She leaned back in her sofa and closed her eyes, allowing herself once more to visit that little part of heaven with him in her mind. They were young again, running and walking through the fields, stopping so often to grab a kiss. They were so carefree. But in her dream, there was one diversion from reality. In her dream she gave the gift to him that they had denied themselves. It was almost real........
They were at the old fish pond. He reached for her and their lips met. The yearnings they felt were there. As they looked into each others eyes, she guided his hand to her shirt and helped him push it up, exposing her firm breasts. She could hear his moan as he gently caressed her nipples, making her moan in desire. Her fingers went to his chest, rubbing, kneading, tenderly teasing him in the same way he was doing to her. After a few minutes, she unfastened her pants, letting them fall to her feet. As he reached for her underwear, she gently pushed his hands back and unfastened his pants, pushing them to his feet.
In reality, they had never seen each other's bodies. Neither had seen the other naked. But in her dream they were completely nude before each other as Adam and Eve had been in the Garden of Eden. There was no shame; no regret. It was right. It was the way it was meant to be.
Now, he pulled her to the ground and they lay there together staring at each other, both happy with what they saw. Male and female perfection in each others eyes, exploring with their hands and lips. It was wonderful.
As her hand caressed his maleness, she felt him grow and harden. And as his fingers sliced through her femaleness, he could feel her soften and dampen. They knew they were both ready.
No words were exchanged as he gently maneuvered her onto her back, his knees separating her legs to accomodate him. Then slowly, tenderly, teasingly, he softly pushed his maleness against her femaleness until finally breaking the hymen that separated them. In her fantasy there was no real pain because it was so right. And they became one as it was supposed to be. It was new and different but so wonderful. It was fulfillment unlike either had ever known or ever would know. In her fantasy, she could make it right. She could become a virgin again and give the gift of her virginity to the man she had already given her heart and the mortal part of her soul to. It was a spiritual union, more special than anything physical could ever be.
There were times when she wondered if he were having the same fantasy. Would anyone ever know? Would anyone ever even know what he thought about or even if he thought about anything? But this time she did not wonder. She knew. He was thinking the exact same thoughts she was thinking in the exact same way at the exact same time. Somehow, they were really together. All their mistakes, all their pain and suffering was gone. One simple act of sexual intercourse had changed destiny.
Two were now one in the true meaning of the word. Both were truly married for the first time in all the purity and innocense of first love. Mistakes could be undone. But only God could undo them. She was finally in heaven with her true love. The world and all its deception were gone. She could see now through the eyes of love and so could he. Their miracle had finally been granted. Now, they understood. They had found the secret to everything. The answer was so simple after all. The answer was love simple and pure. There was no shame. There was no sin. There was only love.
Was it only a fantasy? Only the two of them and God would ever know exactly what kind of miracle had taken place .But there was no doubt that a miracle had taken place. There were no more regrets. All the pain and suffering was erased. They were both free at last. Somehow, she knew this. Their choices of the past had imprisoned them and brought them a life of hell. But their choices at this moment in time had finally set them free and brought them into Heavens gate. Love had once destroyed them. But at this moment in time, it had saved them. Her prayers were answered at last. The smile on her lips and the peace upon her face were as real as life itself had been.
Her mortal body was cold in death. But her spiritual body was more alive than it had ever been before. She had finally found her place in the circle of life, in the arms of her true love. Somehow, her last fantasy had become reality.
It was learned an hour later that the nurse on call in the nursing home had found him at the same moment of her death. After twenty years of merely existing as a vegetable he had died peacefully and quietly with a smile on his face. The doctor who pronounced him dead said it was the first known brain activity in more than ten years; but there was no doubt that he had been thinking about something or someone at the moment of death and he had died happy.
Was it a dream? She wondered. She really didn't know or understand, not yet. She only knew that she was free for the first time in her life and she was so happy. Somehow, she knew she would be seeing her beloved mother and the rest of the family she loved so much very soon. Even the tunnel she saw in the distance brought her no fear for fear was now a thing of the past for her. It no longer existed. The children she had borne on the earth plane she would miss until she saw them again. But she knew God would take care of them just as He had taken care of her. What was back there was only an illusion of pain and heartache in the pursuit of destroying love. But now only love remained. This was the reality.
But being the curious woman she was, she whispered, "Why, Father? Why this moment of destiny?" And as soon as she whispered the question, her answer was there.
She thought she could not find room for more happiness than she had already known. But she was wrong. For there at the entrance of the tunnel he stood waiting, arms outstretched to her. "I've been waiting for you for a long time," he said softly.
"My love!" She cried as she ran into his arms. "I thought I would never find you again." He looked just as he had looked all those years ago. The bond between them was even greater than it had been in the physical world. There were no boundaries, no restraints and there was no sin. The dream, the nightmare had been back there in the mortal world. Their eyes met and locked. Now, they both understood. God was love and His love encircled everything He had created. Only true love could survive as a part of Him. And they were only a small part of the world. It was more than human intelligence could ever understand.
"You knew I could not go on without you," he said. "I had to wait for you."
"I knew," she whispered. "I always knew what was wrong had to be set right. I understand now. We are one always and forever throughout eternity. There is no beginning and no end. Only love."
"And we are a part of His love because of our love," he added. "It was never truly a choice. It always was and always will be. But we had to find that answer before we could make the journey together. And neither of us could continue alone."
"So when we daydreamed of each other at the same time, He made it possible for us to actually change the past mistakes and do it right for there is no sin in true love as He created it to be. We became the one we were before and changed destiny."
"Exactly. And I love you more than I ever dreamed I could." He smiled and took her hand. "And my wait is over. Let's go home."
She nodded and smiled. "It's time." They held hands and entered the tunnel on their journey to the great Light just ahead and to whatever their Creator had planned for their destiny.