Lucas

Lucas,

I'm really very sorry if you can't read half of this letter I'm writing because my hand is shaking so hard as I carefully form each letter. The words that are bleeding from this pen scare me when I look at them, for they hardly seem that they can be my own. Every once in a while, I stop my work and reminisce, trying to force myself to believe that everything will be all right. I will keep this letter locked in my room, and tomorrow I’ll see you just like I do every day. I’ll smile, you’ll kiss me and I’ll be happy. But then I remember how much of a lie that would be to you, how I would be stabbing you in the back, choking you, even if you couldn't feel the pain.

Lucas, you are my life, you are the air I breath, the water I drink, the food I eat, the music I hear, the pretty little trinkets in the store window that I always want. You are everything to me, everything and nothing less, for I love and adore every bit of you, from your chestnut brown hair and your blue eyes, your face that always seems like it knows way too much, all the way down to your feet, which I know I always tell you resemble those of Sasquatch. But I hope with all my heart that you know that I think you're perfect in every way. I've searched for years and years now to find a flaw in you, don't ask me why, but I have. I've searched for it ever since we were newborns of two teenage best friends, our frightened mothers, coming only ten days apart, you being the older, which you found every oppurtunity to shove in my face when we were younger. All throughout the seventeen years we've been together I've done nothing but search, yet I haven't been able to find a teensy chip in your diamond exterior and interior.

Everyone always said we would end up married, they've said this since we were little babies sharing a cradle with playdates every afternoon. In most ways, they were right, and we saw it as well as soon as we were old enough to understand. We've shared everything together, first relationship, first kiss, first time saying the three magic words. Somehow to me it seems like we've been married all along, you and I, and true to everyone's word, we talked about it often, talked about just escaping to someplace quiet and lonely where we could make it cozy and full of companionship with our love for each other. You have always vowed you would make me the happiest woman in the world, with promises of a white house with sunshiney yellow shutters and a lavender roof, no matter how repulsive you thought the colors. There would be a beautiful loyal dog to come home to every night, and lots of little children that we created together running around all helter-skelter to complete the scene of chaos.

You know me better than my own parents, but what you haven't known all along is that I will love you no matter what we own, no matter where we live, and no matter how much money we have. I don't need material possessions for you to show me how much you love me. You do it every time you smile at me across the room in English Class, when you drive me home and keep your warm hand protectively over mine, when you let me bury my head into your chest during the scary parts in the movies you love, when we go out to eat and you carefully pick the peppers out of my salad because you know I hate them, when you don't laugh when I have bad hair days. All of these things may seem little to you, but to me, a shiver always runs up and down my spine, and I feel as though a little piece of my heart has been put back to it's place from all the heartaches that have befallen us.

You've been everything to me these long years we've been together, playing a role in every aspect of my life: my knight in shining armor, my arch nemesis, my counselor, my superman, my best friend. But most importantly you've been my saviour, a guardian angel that I only thought came along when you most deserved it. No matter how much you protest and give me butterfly kisses and tell me how beautiful I am when I cry, I know in my withering heart that I don't deserve you, I never have, and I never will. I love you so so so so much that I can't even think right now of words to put down that could possibly even describe the feelings inside of me, so they'll just have to float around in there forever until one day they'll all come spilling out at one time. You've really got no idea how much I wish I could tell you I love you right now, just once more tousle your hair, taste your lips on mine, smile at you. I would give anything in this earthly world that I possessed just for the chance to see you for a second more. But I can't do this, no matter how much I know I can't, I don't want to admit it, because admitting it would mean it's all real, and I don't know if I can deal with all those feelings.

Only God and I know why you died in that car crash and I came out without a scratch, and I will never tell a single soul as long as I live, which in the ways things are looking up, won't be long. I didn't die because you did, because you truly are what I have expected you to be for our whole lives, because you are a real live angel in every single way. If you are not an angel there is no possible way that two people could be so perfect for each other, so in love at such a young age. That night was the night that my worst nightmare came alive, engulfing me in its play with an infinite number of acts, with no possible intermission.

I then had to live my life without you.

A breeze from the window has almost blown this letter off the desk, so I quickly shut the yellow shutters, because I didn't know what I'd do if I lost this. Every feeling I've ever kept bottled up about you I have finally succeeded in writing down. Soon, I will leave this letter in a sealed envelope with your name on it on this desk of mine, sealing it with a kiss of my peachy lipstick, and I will leave this house knowing that I've got all the answers without any of the questions. The mountain air will smell sweet and sour, the snow on the ground will be filled with angel-like imprints of my body, and my mouth will taste of water from the heavens which I know you send to nourish my thirsty soul.

My love for you is eternal, Lucas. Remember me.



See you soon,

Sarah