A Time to Live, and a Time to Die

************A work in Progress PLEASE COMMENT!!************

(The Poem My Dying Rose is based on a poem written by Mike Rogers, a FSC student. Some of the lines have been changed to fit in with the story.)


A Time to Live, and a Time to Die


Jessie was lying on a hospital bed as her fiancée Jake held her hand. She was trembling and fearful. Her summer dress lay in a heap on the floor and she now donned a shapeless hospital gown two sizes too big for her petite frame. Dusk was falling outside and she gazed out the window at the bright purple, pink and orange colors streaking the July sky. Jessie had already been in the hospital for three hours and she wanted out.
“You’re going to be okay Jessie,” said Jake with more confidence that he felt. He knew something was wrong with his Jessie, but he didn’t want it to be so.
“Jake, I just had a seizure and passed out, that isn’t exactly normal.”
“Maybe you were just dehydrated; it has been very hot outside you know.”
“I don’t know, Jake, let’s just see what the doctors say alright?”

Almost on cue a doctor walked in wearing a white lab coat and an un-readable look. Jessie and Jake looked at each other as they huddled closer together.
“Hello Jessie, I am Doctor Bentley. I have the results of your CT, MRI scans, and your biopsy.”
Jessie went tense as Jake held her tighter.
“Jessie you have something called Primary Central Nervous System lymphoma, or PCNS lymphoma. It’s a type of brain cancer that only AIDS and organ transplant patients get.”
Jessie held back tears of disbelief as Jake pressed his lips tightly together and stared at the doctor.
It says here that you had a heart transplant at age fourteen.”
“Yes, I did.”
Dr. Bentley took Jessie’s hand and peered down at her through his glasses. “We need to discuss your course of treatment, I want you to know that I am very honest with my patients.”

Jessie could only nod for fear of screaming out loud. As she listened to the doctor explain her treatment her eyes were as wide as a deer’s eyes after having been caught in headlights. She felt numb all over and knew it wasn’t because of the pain medications they gave her, but it was because of the horror she was feeling.

“We will put you on chemotherapy and hope you will go into remission, which means your cancer will stop spreading. The drugs have to be administered through an intrathecal, which goes between your vertebrae. It will get the medicine directly to your nervous system. You will get very sick and lose your hair. If the chemo doesn’t work we will try radiation. You’ll be very susceptible to germs, so much so that a common cold could kill you.”

Jessie swallowed against a knot in her throat. Jake sat there clutching her hand for dear life. He had gone white as a ghost and his eyes held the saddest expression imaginable. He managed to speak to the doctor, “Thank you, doctor, for the information. Now if you’ll excuse us, my fiancéeand I need to be alone right now.”
“Of course you do.” The doctor left and there was a moment of strained silence before Jake spoke up again, with emotion his voice
“Oh, Jessie…I don’t want to lose you.”

Jessie clutched at his hand and looked down at her sheets. “I can’t believe this, Jake, I…I...”
Jessie started sobbing and Jake gathered her in his arms trying to soothe her. He cried silent tears and held onto Jessie knowing that he had to be strong for her even if he didn’t feel strong himself. After her crying slowed, she blew her nose and took a deep breath. “Jake, I don’t want to stay here; please take me home.”
“You need to be here sweetie. You can’t leave.”
“I’m scared Jake. I thought my medical problems were behind me. I don’t want to go through it all again. I want to leave.”

Jake embraced Jessie scared to let her go. He smoothed her auburn hair and rubbed her back. Jessie clung to him as tight as she could. “Honey, you have to take your treatments. I’ll be here with you every step of the way. I love you.”


Later that evening a nurse came in with a tray of medicine for Jessie. “It’s your chemo, dear. Unfortunately, not all of it comes in little medicine cups.” Jessie hesitated before taking each cup of medicine and sank back into her bed as Jake smoothed her cheek. About an hour later Jessie threw up a few times as Jake rubbed her back and held her hair for her. When she was settled back in bed he took a washcloth and patted her face with it. He urged her to drink some water but she couldn’t. Jake held Jessie hand and she fell into a dreamy sleep. In her dream she and Jake were getting married. The wedding was outside on a warm summer day. She and Jake stood under a trellis with roses taking their vows. As Jake put a ring on her finger she felt a squeezing pressure on her forearm waking her from her dream. She stared into the eyes of a nurse taking her vitals.
“Vitals, Jessie, it’s routine,” the night nurse whispered. The nurse’s hands flew over the routine. Her touch was gentle, her voice soothing.

Afterwards Jessie fell asleep but couldn’t find her way back to the wonderful dream she just had. In the morning she awoke to sunlight pouring over her bed. The smell of bacon from her breakfast tray made her stomach churn so she pushed it aside. Jake had stayed the night on a cot and awoke to the sound of Jessie retching. He sprang up and went over to Jessie taking her hand. He soothed her until the retching was over and helped her lie back down on the bed.
“You ok, baby, ” Jake asked.
“Jake, I hate this. I am already so sick. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Jessie, the chemo will save your life. Please don’t give up.”
“How can I not want to, Jake? I’ve been sick before and I don’t want to go through all of the pain and sickness again. I’ve had enough of it.”
“Sweetie, you’ve got to fight this. Please fight this.”

Jake started to cry at that moment and Jessie sat up to hold him. He sobbed into her shoulder soaking her gown. She gently whispered, “Jake, I’ll fight this as best I can but after all I have been through all already I don’t have much fight left in me.”
“I can’t lose you Jessie; I love you too much.”

The two locked in a tight embrace and wept, and they clung to each other for what seemed like forever. A young nurse with fiery red hair walked into the room. Jessie and Jake didn’t notice until the nurse touched Jessie’s arm.

“Hello dear,” the woman said in a thick Irish accent, “I am your nurse, Helen.”
“Hello,” Jessie said wiping her eyes.
“I’ve come to insert your intrathecal line.”
“I don’t want chemo. I don’t want anything.”
Jake looked at Jessie, and Helen stopped preparing the intrathecal.
“Dear, you need this medicine; it’s your only chance.”
“Jessie, don’t do this. Please take your chemo,” urged Jake
“I don’t want to. I’m tired of being sick. I just want to die. Please,
don’t make me take it.”

Jake squeezed her hand and kissed her forehead. “Jessie, I don’t want you to die. We are getting married; I want to live the rest of my life with you.”
“Just make me comfortable and let me die. Jake, I love you but I don’t want to go through all of this pain.”
“Dear, there are other forms to kill that cancer in you. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about another form of treatment,” Helen suggested.
“I don’t want anything. I’ve heard about the other treatments and I don’t want them.”
“I’ll send in your doctor to talk with you about this matter. Be strong dear,
be strong.”
“Thank you, Helen. Jake, why don’t you go home, freshen up, and come back later. You look exhausted.”
“No, I’m going to stay here until you talk to your doctor. I just can’t believe you want to give up and die.”
“I’ve seen what people go through with cancer and chemo. My grandmother had it and she was deathly ill. In the end chemo killed her instead of saving her. Why would my body keep getting sick if I was meant to live?”
“Jessie! Of course you are meant to live; everyone is. Why would God put us here on earth if we weren’t?
“Oh, Jake, that didn’t come out the way I meant. I meant that I’m not meant to live ‘till I’m old and gray. Why should I keep putting off what’s in God’s plans for me?”
“Maybe he wants you to live, Jessie. Please, please just try it for a little longer. I don’t want to lose you, at least not without a fight.”

Jessie looked at Jake, saw the pleading in his eyes and looked down,
“Jake, truth is, I’m scared. So scared.”
“I am too, Jessie, but we can get through this together, you and me. We are getting married sweetie, so if ‘in sickness and in health’ has to start right now then so be it.”
“ I love you so much Jake; you are wonderful to me. I am so scared of not being with you.”
“Me too, Hon, me too.”
“I’ll do it, Jake, I’ll do it.”

Dr. Bentley walked in and sat down. “Jessie, Helen tells me you have decided not to take the chemo, or anything for that matter. I must advise against it. Once we find the right combination for you, you won’t be so sick. You’re too young to just give up, but I can’t force a patient to take treatments. All I can do is highly recommend it.”
“It was just a moment of doubt. I was scared, but I’m sure every patient is. I want to go ahead with the treatments. I want to live.” She spoke with such determination that Dr. Bentley smiled.
“Very good then. Jessie, you’re a young woman with your life ahead of you. I wouldn’t have suggested chemo if I didn’t think it would help you live a better life.”
“I know Dr. Bentley, and I’ve decided to go ahead with it. I am not going to give up without a fight.”
“That ‘a girl,” he said, “ Now, I’ll go get Helen so she can insert the intrathecal.”
Dr. Bentley walked out of the room and Jessie turned to Jake.
“Jake, I love you. No matter how this turns out, please know that I always will.”
“I love you too, Jessie. I just want you to have every chance you can at life.”

Helen breezed back into the room, a smile lighting her face. “I am so glad you have decided to go through with this. Don’t you worry about a thing now. I’m here, and your fiancée is here. Just you focus on getting well.” As Helen inserted the intrathecal into Jessie’s back, she looked painfully into Jake’s eyes. He squeezed Jessie’s hand and kissed her forehead, all the while watching Helen insert the needle.
As soon as Helen was done, she told Jessie, “Now you better rest and let this medicine work.. Please feel free to call on me anytime you need me.”
“Okay Helen. Jake, why don’t you go home and get some rest yourself? I’ll be fine here.” Jake rose and kissed Jessie goodbye before leaving the room.

When he arrived home he went into the cellar, where he had a small gym, and punched a punching bag with all of his might. He yelled and screamed as he socked the bag again and again. After ten minutes of punching and screaming, Jake took a hot shower and a nap. As soon as he awoke, he gathered some of Jessie’s things to take to the hospital for her: her personal items, her bathrobe, and a picture of her and Jake. He found her favorite nightshirt thinking she could wear that instead of the hospital gown.

When he arrived, Jessie wasn’t in her room. When he asked a nurse about it, she told him Jessie was freshening up in the shower. He thought it the perfect opportunity to go to the gift shop and buy her flowers. When he returned, she was sitting on her bed in the nightshirt he brought her. He noticed the intrathecal making a lump under he shirt. Trying to ignore it he said, “ Hey sweetie, I see you discovered the nightshirt.”

“Thanks for bringing it; it’s a lot more comfortable.” She noticed Jake’s hands behind his back which filled her with curiosity. “ What have you got behind your back?”
He came up to her and handed her a vase of roses and carnations. She kissed him for the gift and set the vase on the nightstand., “Thank you baby, they’re beautiful.”
“How do you feel, Jessie?”
“Lousy. I can’t eat because nothing tastes right, and I’m so sick to my stomach.”
He sat with her on the bed and hugged her,
“You’ll adjust.”
“Yes, I suppose I will. They sent in a counselor for me to talk to about this whole mess. He said you could talk to him about your feelings too.”
“We’ll see, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Have you rested today? You look tired.”
“Different doctors have been in and out all day talking to me and giving pamphlets to read. Then the counselor came in. I haven’t had much of a chance to rest yet.”
“Sleep now baby. I’m right here. Just close your eyes and rest your body; you need your strength to get better.”

Weeks passed and Jessie did not get better. Her medications were changed several times because of allergic reactions. She slept a lot, and Jake was there with her every day after work. One day when he got to her room, she wasn’t there. He went to the nurse’s station and asked where Jessie was, thinking that maybe she was having x-rays or a spinal tap.
“Jessie took a turn for the worse today. She caught a nasty infection, and she had to be moved to the ICU. She’s running a high fever, and she’s in a coma.”
“What floor?”
“The eleventh.”
With that, Jake ran to the elevator and rode up to the eleventh floor. A doctor told him Jessie was in isolation, and before going in, he had to scrub up. Jake dressed in the paper gown and mask, put on the rubber gloves, and walked in to find his sweet Jessie tangled in a mass of tubes and wires.
She had a tube shoved down her throat and it protruded from her mouth. A heart monitor kept track of her heartbeat, which seemed irregular. Her cheeks were flushed with fever, and she had two IV lines stuck in her small hand. Jake guessed one was to feed her and the other was medicine. Hesitating, he went over to her and took her hand. He was surprised at how hot and dry her skin was. Jake almost expected her to open her eyes, but they remained shut and her only response was the hiss of the respirator. He continued to hold her hand rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. She didn’t move a muscle; she just lay there barely making a mound beneath her sheets.
“Jessie, come on baby. You’ve got to pull through and get well. I love you so very much, please don’t die.”
Jake kissed her hand, and pressed the back of it to his cheek.

Jessie spent more than three weeks in the ICU, and one week recovering once she awoke. She was very weak and knew she had lost a lot of weight. Her skin had grown ashen, and paper-thin. What was left of her hair was dull and patchy. Without looking in a mirror she figured that she looked pretty ugly.
One day while Jake visited, her doctor came in. “Jessie, we are moving you back to your own room tomorrow. Before we start you on your chemo again I want to run CT and MRI scans, as well as a spinal tap to see how far your cancer may have gotten these past four weeks.”
“Ok doc, I just want to get well and get out of here.”
“I want you to also Jessie. Just hang on and we’ll do our best.”
The doctor left and Jake stroked Jessie’s cheek. “You’ll get well Hon, wait and see.”
After the tests were done Jessie was moved back to her old room. She and Jake waited for the doctor until he walked in at dinner. “Jessie, I have your results.”
“You don’t sound happy.”
“I’m not. I am afraid the infection damaged your heart pretty badly, and the cancer has spread all over your nervous system.”
“What are you saying?” Jake asked in a tight voice.
“I’m saying that there is nothing we can do now. All we can do is make her comfortable.”
“How long?” Jessie choked.
Taking her hand Dr. Bentley looked into her eyes,
“You don’t even have a month. Your heart is much too weak, it will give.”

When the doctor left, Jessie burst into tears of disbelief and clung to Jake. He cried as he held her to him. The doctors didn’t come in as much anymore, only enough to take her vitals and check her IV lines. Jessie remained on oxygen around the clock. Jake took time off of work and didn’t leave her side for a moment.
One day, in the last week of September, Jessie woke up long enough to speak to Jake. She opened her eyes and looked into Jake’s red-rimmed eyes. She smiled weakly as he touched her face.
“Hey beautiful, how’s my girl?”
Speaking slow, and somewhat slurred, Jessie answered, “Tired…it’s starting to happen Jake. I can feel it.”
“Don’t hold on baby...don’t hold on for me.”
“But, you’ll be all alone.”
“No. You’ll always be with me in my heart.”
“I want you to love again Jake. Please don’t let your love die with me, you have so much to give.”
“I can’t love anyone the way I love you, but eventually I will love again. I promise you.”
Sleep started to overcome Jessie and it was evident enough to Jake that he soothed her back to sleep.
“Shhh…go back to sleep Jessie. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Goodnight my sweet Jessie. Be brave, go with God.”

He climbed into bed with her being careful of the wires. Although this was against hospital regulation, the doctors and nurses let it go. An hour later Jessie let go of life as Jake held her. Her body relaxed and the heart monitor let out a loud whine. It wasn’t until Helen came in to shut it off that Jake realized he was screaming. Helen pulled Jake off Jessie and embraced him having seen scenes like this before. Jake stopped screaming and held onto the embrace. He didn’t let go for a long time.

A pond held the funeral on a warm day in October in a cemetery by a pond. Jake sat wearing dark glasses over red, swollen eyes. He saw the white metallic casket where his love lie glimmer in the autumn sun, and let a tear trickle down his wet cheek. A soft breeze ruffled a cascade of beautiful pink and purple roses that sat on top of her casket. The minister that would have married Jake and Jessie spoke of Jessie’s brief life on earth, and how those she loved were blessed by her existence. As he spoke Jake started at the casket and felt like crawling in with Jessie, he didn’t wish to accept that this was the end and life would go on. After the minister finished, he welcomed Jake up to the podium. Jake approached with a single piece of paper and stood. He took off his glasses, revealed his read eyes and spoke, “ I wrote a poem for my Jessie that I would like to share with all of you who loved her most.
My Dying Rose
The flower has wilted before my eyes.
I hold her in my arms before she slowly dies.

Why couldn’t she have lived?
Why did she have to die?
All that remains is that one painful question why?

The cancer that lurked inside her
Slowly took away her life.
There is now no chance to make her my wife.

Our time together was brief.
I can hold my rose no more.
Just like the petals scattered on the floor.

Time slowed down;
When she was in bloom.
Time stays silent;
Following my roses doom.

Now I must plant her seeds again with hope and affection.
And pray for mine and my rose’s resurrection.


The crowd had grown silent listening to Jake bare his soul. He stepped down as everyone got up and passed by the casket one more time. As Jake approached his fiancéehe plucked a rose off the cascade and bent to kiss the casket. He gathered with the rest of the people who came to lay Jessie to rest and listened to the minister’s last words. Once everyone had left he watched Jessie’s casket being lowered into the ground. He stood there as the hole was filled with the dirt next to it. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t say goodbye. He walked over to the plot after it was done being filled and knelt down running his fingers along the warm grass beside it. He bent and kissed the ground before rising once more to leave. The limo was waiting for him so he walked towards it and got in. As the car drove off into the sunset Jake stared out the window with a feeling of peace filling his heart knowing that Jessie would always be with him.