Never An Absolution

Hey y'all this is my first ever fanfic, it's a Sawyer/Kate POV and story, however whenever it's Sawyer's point of view I will use the name James. I want it to be angsty and deep so it will take me some time and it is set, post The Long Con.

As you know the characters and the show do not belong to me, etc, etc. I am just trying to use my creative writing skills to tell what I think would be a great story.

Please, please review and comment and feel free to email meon what I have written so far!

Chapter 1

James stared out to the sea, and asked himself for the hundred thousandth time why he even cared what she thought of him. His life had been a series of misfortunate events but he was well aware that even when there seemed to be no choice, there was one. He had made his peace with the fact that he was weak, that he couldn’t fight the demon inside him that made him do and say the majority of the things he did. Hell he was even considering exorcising that particular demon once and for all. The one thing he could never get over though, was her.

She was in his dreams, his every other waking thought, and when he got her out of his head, she was there in person, drawing him to her like a moth to a flame. And just like that moth the closer he got the more it hurt and burned.

He’d seen the disgust and pity in her eyes, her face, her very demeanor, and yet he’d also seen the undeniable truth. She was drawn to him too, it was glaringly obvious she did not want to be, and for some reason that made it hurt even more.

And this Wayne she’d talked to in the hatch while he was regaining consciousness… he was the crux of the matter. James figured he must have been her stepfather or her mother’s boyfriend, yet it didn’t make sense that she believed that he was a part of her. Unless there was a Jerry Springer archetype explanation, and this Wayne was her biological father? Highly unlikely, he must have gotten it mixed up, or had he? And more importantly did it even matter? He himself hated the fact that she could affect him the way she could. He hated the fact that she was his weakness, his ever growing weakness in this mad world he’dcrash landed into.

“Sawyer, I need to talk to you.” Sonofabitch, that fucking name! James regretted ever telling people on the island that was his name. Who was he kidding, that persona he’d adopted had died the second the world thought they were all dead. Which was probably around the same time they crashed, hell, maybe even earlier when the plane first disappeared off the radar.

“Hey Sawyer!” Kate yelled in his face.

“Damn it Freckles I heard you the goddamn first time you hollered my damn name! What the hell do you want so bad?” James finished off the sentence with his trademark once over, damn she never had an ugly day in her life did she?

“I need to talk to you!” Kate repeated agitatedly.

“Well speak, Freckles you got my undivided attention.”

“I gotta go into the jungle and find Jack, do you think you could take my shift in the hatch?” Well, well, she wanted him to babysit the dinosaur computer in that creepy contraption so she could go and get her mack on with Captain Jackass did she?

“You could be belligerent as usual or you could just say yes without dragging this entire conversation out, your choice Tex, but I don’t have time for this so a simple yes or no will do.” Kate snapped.

“Okay Sassafras, I’ll Bubbles that stupid computer, when does your shift start?”

Kate inwardly flinched in surprise at his easy answer, was he feeling okay? Maybe the infection in his shoulder had started again? “It starts in about thirty minutes, come on I’ll walk to the hatch with you.” She responded.

“Fine by me, lead the way.” James started to follow her and wondered what he’d just gotten himself into. He hated that concrete monstrosity with a passion and being in it made him want to crawl out of his skin and run. But he had to admit it had almost been worth it to see the look in her eyes when he’d said he would do it, no questions asked.

As they walked through the jungle Kate couldn’t help but puzzle over Sawyer’s easy response. And the urge to ask what had brought on this change in personality was overwhelming. After the episode with the guns she’d pretty much stayed well away from him. Not because he’d become persona non grata once again, but because he’d hurt her real bad by playing with her emotions like that. She didn’t have a moral high ground to stand on seeing as she’d done many reprehensible things in her past and even on Craphole Island itself. However, this was different, she’d genuinely started to let herself feel for him and he’d conned her like he’d conned dozens of women before her. And the realization that whatever this thing between them was had taken such a hold that she hadn’t seen it coming scared the hell out of her. “My my aren’t we sociable today, a little conversation wouldn’t kill ya Freckles.” He quipped.

“Sorry, I’m still recovering from your very uncharacteristic acquiescence Tex.” Kate imparted truthfully.

“My acquiescence, huh?” Without turning to look, Kate could hear the smirk in his voice as he said that.

“Well considering you conned me and the entire island just a week ago, yeah Sawyer! Is this another con? You got something up your sleeve?” James couldn’t help but wince, he’d screwed this up bad. But what was there to regret it wasn’t like she would ever make a move towards him anyway.

Chapter 2

They made the rest of the trek to the hatch without exchanging any words. Kate was lost deep in thought thinking about the real reason she was taking him to the hatch. She couldn’t help but feel slightly apprehensive and was more than a little thrown by Sawyer’s unusual response to her request.

Upon entering the hatch, Locke met them at the door, “Hello Kate, James, can't say I am not glad to get out of here, I’ve been on shift on my own for the last 8 hours and I have to admit I am starting to get a little stir-crazy.”

Kate smiled tentatively at Locke, “Well lucky for you Sawyer’s gonna take over now, give you a chance to stretch your legs and get some fresh air.”

“Yeah lucky me too, huh, I get to stay in here and press a goddamn button like some lab monkey.” James said mockingly. Kate rolled her eyes and Locke nodded in silent agreement with her reaction as he walked around them to leave the hatch. Sawyer turned to Kate and muttered, “Self-righteous Mr. Clean.”

Kate couldn’t help but smile at this, “Do you have to give everyone and everything a nickname?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t Freckles, but I never heard anyone complain, so why the hell not?” James replied. He swaggered towards the computer, and struggled to suppress a shiver of disgust with more than a tinge of fear as he approached the machine. Kate watched him closely, as she tried to gage exactly what kind of mood he was in. Although it didn’t really matter as his temper always seemed to flare up at the slightest provocation.

James felt her eyes watching him as he sat down at the computer and he turned in surprise to see her sit down on the couch. “Whatcha doin’ Sweetcheeks dontcha have a date with Our Doctor the Hero in the Jungle of Mystery somewhere?”

Kate rolled her eyes at Sawyer’s new nickname for Jack, the man was incorrigible! “Well actually, Tex, I am right where I am supposed to be.” She replied, casually.

James’ pulse did a small jump as he allowed himself to think for a second that she was actually going to be truthful about her attraction to him or something along those lines. ‘Don’t be a fool James, she’s not here for anything like that, ever known her not to have a hidden agenda?’ He asked himself, bitterly.

“Oh yeah, whatcha here for then, really? To babysit me? ‘Cause if that’s the case there are more interesting things for a sitter to do than just watch, Freckles.” James gave her a smoldering look that told Kate exactly what line of thought his “other things” fell under.

Kate crossly suppressed the small thrill of excitement she felt as she looked into his eyes. ‘What is the matter with me?’ She asked herself in annoyance. This was getting ridiculous she couldn’t react to the smallest look or actions or words that came from Sawyer in this manner, it was just not right. He wasn’t right for her.

Kate took a deep breath, “I brought you here so you and I could man the hatch together, Sawyer-”

“You tricked me? Hell Freckles, why the hell do I even bother with you people?” He growled irately, James felt a twinge that felt very much like his feelings were hurt, and he didn’t like it. He couldn’t believe it, after everything, when he’d been so upfront with her she’d tricked him into coming into this waking nightmare!

“I tricked you? You have some nerve Sawyer, after everything you’ve done, you have the audacity to claim I tricked you?” Kate yelled back, ‘Well done Kate way to keep your cool!’ she congratulated herself.

“You know what Freckles, forget it. I get it loud an' clear now, Sir Fixalot asks you to get me into the hatch so he can look for the guns with Daniel Boone an' you’re ready willing and able to do what the Doc ordered.” James ground out, angrily. Kate’s eyes flickered at his astute observation, ‘How does he do that?’ she asked herself.

James didn’t miss the tell-tale flicker of her eyes as Kate pulled on her poker-face, “Well, I’ll be damned, I’m right aren’t I?” James let out a small laugh as he shook his head, she was unbelievable sometimes!

Kate stubbornly refused to let herself feel guilty for his obvious disappointment in her, ‘Served him right he stole the guns and played her in the process. Time to get a taste of his own medicine!’ and with that she resolved not to let whatever he said affect her.

“I’m not discussing this with you Sawyer, you lost any moral high ground the minute you pulled that stunt on us last week.” She said harshly.

“You see, Freckles that is where you an' I are different, I embrace my flaws an' don’t give a damn about what the rest of the world thinks of me. Whereas you don’t wanna give up on the hope that everybody will love an' respect ya. I got news for ya, Puddin’, society tends to frown on murderers, no matter how pretty an' innocent ya look…it comes with the territory.”

James saw he hit the mark with his comment as she flinched at his use of the word murderer. Bingo! She think she was the only one who could manipulate people? He watched with a twisted fascination rooted in obsession as she struggled to maintain her unperturbed composure.

“That was low Sawyer, even for you.” She responded resignedly, as she gave up the pretence of not being affected by what he’d said.

James tilted his head to the side as he studied her, “Hmm, now we’re getting’ somewhere Freckles. You can hide your thoughts and emotions from everyone else, but know this, I always know what ‘s really goin’ on in that pretty little head of yours.” Kate looked up at him, as he was standing right in front her, the words had been said without malice but almost matter of factly, as if it went without saying.

“You know nothing about me Sawyer, nothing. Now get out of my way.” She demanded quietly, looking him in straight in the eye as she rose from her position on the couch and pushed past him.

James grabbed her arm, in what was fast becoming a regular occurrence with them. Kate violently shook his hand off her arm and strode for the door. As she pulled it open, James’ hand slammed it back shut missing her nose by half an inch. Kate turned around angrily, and James moved in so close their breaths mingled and their noses were nearly touching. Kate held her breath with nervous anticipation as to what was going to happen next. ‘Is he going to try to kiss me? Will I let him? Do I want him to?’ She asked herself frantically.

“Ya wanna keep that button from countin’ down to zero an' beyond, you better sit your ass down on that couch. ‘Cause I swear to God, Puddin’ you walk outta that door, Locke an' Jacko will have a lot more to worry about than the friggin’ guns. You brought me here under false pretences an' I’d rather die a thousand deaths than stay here on my own after that. You want me here, ya stay here with me!” He hissed angrily, James was breathing heavy, with anger and lust and a dangerous emotion he didn’t want to examine.

Against his better judgment all he wanted to do was kiss her… and more. He could feel those very same feelings emanating from her, yet something inside him made him hold himself back. He paused for a moment savoring the scent of her hair, skin, fear, anger and desire, before he pulled away and calmly walked back to the computer. He resumed his seat and entered the code as the timer was dangerously close to reaching zero.

Kate remained pressed against the door, shaking with emotion she couldn’t define; she hadn’t even heard the alarm going off! She hurriedly stormed off into the bathroom, slamming the door with all the frustration and anger pent up inside. Pressing her back against the bathroom door, she slid down to a sitting position and exhaled loudly. ‘I hate him! I can’t fucking stand him, he physically makes me sick!’ She thought to herself passionately. ‘He’s just like Wayne!’ She added for good measure. She took another calming yet shaky breath, ‘Who am I kidding? He’s not really like Wayne, never was really except for the accent and the rudeness.’

Kate shook her head ruefully, comparing him to her stepfather had been an almost effective barrier, but deep down she knew it wasn’t true. Sure Wayne had preyed on the weak, been a boor of a man, but just because Sawyer was a conman didn’t make him like Wayne any more than being a boor and rude had made the Marshal like Wayne. She could be honest enough with herself to make this admission. But that was as far as she was willing to go with the self-honesty at the moment. She wrapped her anger at Sawyer like a protective blanket around her heart and rose from the floor, after splashing some water on her face, she walked back out towards Sawyer and the computer.

Chapter 3

James didn’t even look up from where he sat, he was reading Moll Flanders, a book he’d found on the shelf. It hurt like Hades to read the smallish print without his glasses however, it was all the same to him since, the prospect of the next 4 and a half hours in this concrete monstrosity with her was just as painful if not more.

Kate walked up to the bookshelf pointedly ignoring Sawyer and picked the first book she came across, then sat down, purposely turning her back on him. She looked down at the cover, and realized she was holding a copy of Joseph Conrad's, Heart of Darkness. ‘Great! Just what I need a depressing book about living in the African jungle, as if my reality isn’t bad enough.’ She thought darkly.

They sat in the room in silence for over an hour pretending to read and that they were unaware of the other’s existence. The tension between them was palpable, a veritable miasma of anger and resentment hanging over their heads.

Finally James, gave in to his curiosity and turned around to see what she was reading. He couldn’t see from his seat as the pages of the book were facing him, so he walked up to her to take a look. Chuckling to himself he realized that the Queen of Stubborness had fallen asleep! He walked round the couch so he was facing her, and allowed himself to study her sleeping form. He couldn’t help but feel some tenderness towards her innocent face, relaxed and devoid of the usual wariness. She looked much younger than she was, and he found himself fascinated as he watched her gently breathing in and out as she slept. Realising that he was staring at her with an intensity that would no doubt frighten her should she open her eyes right then, James walked to the bunker to get her blanket.

‘Sonofabitch, you’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face, James Lee Ford, and I am telling you right now to stop it. She’s not meant for you, she doesn’t even really want you. It’s Jack she wants, hell, maybe even Captain Falafel, but is sure ain’t you, so just stop this insanity now.’ He berated himself, disgusted, he couldn’t believe he was falling for a manipulative, possibly pathological liar, murdering fugitive! He marched back into the room and covered her with the blanket debating whether or not to tuck her in. He knew it was way past lust now, he was descending to some previously unexplored depths and he just did not want any part of it. Against his will, he was being sucked into this vortex of anger, tenderness, lust, bitterness, hate and strengthening emotional connection that was his relationship with Kate. And as he lifted the book out of her hands and simultaneously brushed a tendril of her hair away from her face, he couldn’t help but give a derisive snort at his unconscious actions. ‘You’re ten damn kinds of fool!’ He told himself as he resumed his seat at the computer, ignoring his book he simply stared at the screen.

Kate struggled against the hands that gripped her shoulders and were shaking her, “Aaargh! Let go of me! I won’t let you, I’d rather die, leave me alooooooooone!” She realized she was screaming and crying and the steel cage she was in changed shape as did the face of the hands holding her.

“Come on Sassafras, wake up, it’s just a dream!” James pleaded his voice bordering on desperation. ‘What was she seeing!’ James felt fear clutch at his heart as he looked into her terror stricken eyes. Her pupils were dilating and contracting to an unseen enemy and he couldn’t help but feel the fear she was obviously feeling. It was palpable and it sent chills down his spine and the hairs on his neck were standing of their own volition.

Kate snapped back into reality, she wasn’t in the cage anymore she was in the hatch on the Island, with Sawyer. She took shuddering breaths and went limp, trying to focus on the now and forget the horror she’d just relived. She knew she should shrug Sawyer’s hands off her shoulders and put up the usual barriers but she couldn’t quite find the strength just yet. Besides they were solid and unthreatening, she felt slightly comforted and she didn’t want to move. “Are you okay, Sass? You were havin’ one hell of a nightmare there, I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last five minutes.” James asked her gently, concern tingeing his voice.

Kate opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, she cleared her throat and tried again. “Yeah, I’m…. fine.” She managed to croak out, looking at the floor, when he didn’t respond she risked looking at his face. Kate saw genuine concern in his face, “I don’t even remember what I was dreaming about.” She lied but she didn’t care, there was no way she was going to tell him what she’d been going through in her dreams.

Kate drew a sharp breath, was that pity she saw flickering in his eyes? She mentally and physically drew on her cloak of wariness as she withdrew from him and forced herself to get to her feet, albeit a little shakily. “I’m fine Sawyer, save your pity for yourself where it’s actually needed.” She said cruelly before turning around to face him with a bit more distance between them. James flinched, ‘She can be a real bitch sometimes can’t she?’ He couldn’t help but bristle at her now frosty demeanor. She stood a few feet away from him, hostility radiating from her in waves. Her hands were curled into fists at her sides and she was eyeing him like she could stab a dagger into his chest at the slightest provocation. James shook his head ruefully, before getting up from the couch and standing toe to toe with her in unspoken response to her challenging stance. He could feel his temper flaring, he wasn’t going to let her get all snooty with him for waking her up from her nightmare.

Kate stared at a point over his shoulder, breathing heavily with pent up anger, she always felt this rage after she had the dream. It was either rage or tears, and she was not going to cry in front of Sawyer! “Don’t push me Sawyer!” She said angrily, the huskiness of her voice lent credence to the threat, James looked at the top of her head for another second before he grabbed her upper arms and twisted his lower body to avoid the knee that was headed swiftly to his groin. “Not so fast, Sheera! We’re gonna talk about this like civilized folk!” He gasped as they grappled for the dominance, she tried to head butt him and he dodged that too, using his left arm to force her face down into the couch and planting his knee on her lower back to stop her from moving.

Kate bucked like a wild horse before managing to twist her body halfway round and head butt Sawyer as hard as she could. He yowled in pain but didn’t loosen his grip on her arms, and dragged her with him as he fell backwards onto the floor. She landed on top of him, winded just like him and paused to take a breath before renewing her struggles. James managed to overpower her by flipping his legs over hers and straddled her, sitting on her chest so that her legs flailed uselessly. Kate panted with the effort it was taking to try and wriggle out of the hold Sawyer had on her. ‘Damn him! Damn him to hell! Why did I have to have the dream in front of him!’ She tried to head butt him in the groin but he was too far away. James laughed as he saw what she was trying to do. “I can think of better things you can do with your head down there Freckles.”

She sent him daggers as she suddenly stopped her struggles, “Get off me, Sawyer, you’re gonna crush my lungs!” She huffed. James shook his head, “Not until you promise to behave and stop acting like a goddamn bitch in heat.”

Kate’s chest expanded with rage at the comparison, “Fuck you Sawyer, burn in Hell, or sit there all day if you fucking like, either way I’m not promising you shit, you greasy haired scum of the fucking earth, redneck bastard!”

“My, my Miz Kate, you sure got a mouth on ya! Betcha Saint Jack doesn’t know his lil Florence Nightingale can cuss like that!” James replied laughing outright at her colorful language. She really was full of surprises!

Kate took a deep breath and pushed her legs up and under Sawyer’s arms. Then over, hooking her knees onto Sawyer’s shoulders, using the momentum and the element of surprise she pushed her upper body forward using her legs as leverage. With a grunt of satisfaction, she landed on top of Sawyer and rolled away from him, standing up in one fluid motion.

She flashed him a self-satisfied grin as he stood up and gave chase, she ran behind the computer using it as a buffer as she feinted to the left then to the right. “Who’s laughing now, Tex?” She giggled as he glared at her murderously across the computer, he growled in response as the timer started to blare. They both stopped, as James grumbled, “Damn button!” He paused to enter the numbers glancing in her direction warily, “Don’t you dare move, Freckles.” Kate laughed, “Okay James whatever you say.”

James flinched, “Sonofabitch, you’d try the patience of a goddamn saint!” He hit, execute before turning all of his attention to Kate.

She wiggled her eyebrows at him, her eyes dancing with mischief as she ran towards the pantry. James slammed his body into the rapidly closing gap of the pantry door and grabbed Kate by the hair. Yanking it roughly she yelped as he dragged her back towards the couch. “That’s hurts, Sawyer!”

“I know Freckles.” He replied matter of factly as he pushed her onto the couch. Kate rubbed her scalp as she looked up at him, with bright unshed tears in her eyes. James felt his heart lurch at this, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ta yank so hard, Freckles.” His face was a picture of guilt and remorse as he unconsciously moved over to rub her scalp in apology. Kate moved away from him sharply, “I got it.”

James let his hand fall to his side, resignedly, “It kinda got outta hand huh?” Kate accepted this olive branch by looking up at him with a mischievous gleam in her eye, “Yeah but it was fun, I beat you…again, and you even said sorry!”

“What? When you ever beat me, Freckles? I’d say I’ve beat you every single time if we are talkin’ ’bout matters of fact-” James scoffed.

“Oh my God you’re such a sore loser! Fine you may have beaten me physically in the past but when it comes to a battle of wits I win every single time, and you don’t even have the physical advantage anymore-”

James bristled with good-natured indignation, “you’re a damn liar, Sassafras, getting’ the Doc or Ali or whoever else you can manipulate to do your dirty work ain’t winnin’ a battle of wits. That’s just plain old underhandedness if ya ask me.”

“Why would anyone ask you anything, Sawyer?” Jack demanded as he walked into the room.

James and Kate turned startled, to look at Jack. The spinal surgeon noticed that as usual, Sawyer’s face turned into an angry scowl when he laid eyes on Jack. He also didn’t fail to notice the smile on Kate’s face dying, as she stood up, and finger combed her unbound curls into a semblance of order before tying her up into a bun. She looked at him seriously, with a searching, enquiring look trying to discern if he’d found the guns or not.

James too watched Kate rearrange her hair and straighten her appearance and couldn’t help but observe the relaxed Kate of a few moments ago had been replaced by business-like I-Got-Somethin’-To-Prove-Kate with the appearance of the Good Doctor. He turned to look at Jack and also noticed that the Doc was frowning at her like she was punished school girl to his Principal, whom he thought was having way too much fun in detention.

James smirked, this should be interesting.