The Man and the Shade

The Man and the Shade

It has been almost eighteen years since I started my journey. The journey most people call life. Through all this time I have walked, surrounded by people who love and care about me. But a few years ago, I started walking alone. Never straying far from what was normal, but far enough to taste what is life. Each time I walked away, I would increase the distance I traveled before returning. Going further away from my relations, and more with what my Heart told me to.
It whispered things I wanted to believe, even though in doing so I am drifted still away from all that was familiar to me.
On one such wandering I happened to meet a man. He seemed nice, and conversation with him came easy. We walked and talked together often, making sure we were always with in reach of one another. As time wore on and I came to know him better I realized this man is who I want to walk with for the rest of my existence in this world. So on we walked, our hands clasped together tightly. Swearing the world to one another.
This was two years ago. My journey has taken me many places since then, and I have grown; matured. The man I had loved is different now. So much as passed between us… and yet I am unhappy with who he is. I feel trapped around him. As if, were I to be who I really am, he would love me less. I feel… as though I must remain the child I was when I met him, to still be accepted in his heart. So I walk a little further from him than I use to, and clasp his and more loosely. My eyes wonder over the crowd of people on their own journeys, looking for something. But what I am looking for, I do not know.
As we were walking one day, I met a shade. A being who is there in thought only, not in body. He talks with me, and glides along at my side. I’ve grown fond of him. I share things with him that I don’t with my love. I trust him in ways I no longer trust my love. The more we are together, the more I stretch my hand toward his ghostly palm, and the looser my hand holds my love’s.
A part of my mind tells me no good will come from theses feelings. But my Heart refuses to listen to such logic. This will work. Somehow, we’ll make it work. And so, with my Heart whispering such words, I continue to reach for him.
Time has passed since then. Not much… but I suppose enough for my naivety to wear away from me. The more my Heart longs for the shade, the more I feel torn in half. Part of me latching on to the man I use to love, another part of me yearning for the promise of something new; something unclouded by scornful emotions.
Through this journey there have been many forks in the road, all of them branching off in various directions. Some crossing over one another. Others, separating off, never to cross my path again. Through this time I have always followed the same forks, the ones my family and friends told me to take. But now… I’ve come to a fork, and I am forced to choose. The shade wishes to go down the Left side of the fork, but my love wishes to walk down the Right side of the fork. I much pick one to walk with now. I am forced to pick which one I must leave, and which one I must stay with.
Both of them are fond of me and treat me right. And both promise me things I wish for. But one, my mind tells me, will only lead to disaster. The other… I’m not sure I want to stay will.
I try to look for my family in the crowd of people… but I realize it is in vain. I have walked for too long alone to know where they are, or to return to the safety of the normality they use to promise. This is where I have gotten myself, and it is I who must save me.
I try to step outside myself, to see what would be the best thing for me. But I can’t choose.
Frustrated, I cry and rage. I want someone to choose for me, I don’t want this burden upon my shoulders. But all actions have consequences, and this is my punishment for listening to the vile whispers of passion.
When I calm down; when all my emotions are spend and I am weak from exhaustion, they look to me for my answer. The shade, an ethereal being who I long for but I feel will never truly be mine, or the man whom I’m no longer sure I want to stay with.
They look to me for my answer and I stand, my arms wrapped around me, caught at a fork I never wanted to face. And yet here I stand, alone, as the crowds of people rush past me on their own journeys. Too consumed in their own troubles to help me. I still have no answer for my waiting loves. I still don’t know who I choose.
And for now, this is where I stay. Aware that my journey requires me to continue going forward, but not knowing which fork to take.