Last orders

LAST ORDERS



Yes it's cruel. Yes it's wrong. But I ask you, how else am I supposed to get rid of him? I've tried brutal honesty, and I mean brutal. I've tried ignoring him, but this just seems to spur him on more. I even went on holiday to Cafelonia for two weeks without telling him and found a bouquet of roses waiting, dead, on my doorstep.

So, before you judge me, I ask you one more time, what else am I to do? This is my only choice, this is it, he just has to meet my parents.

And so, that's why I'm sitting in this God-forsaken old British boozer, out in the Biggin Hill mock countryside, waiting for Ralph to appear. My man, my boyfriend, my Ralph.

He'll be here in a minute, five to be exact, as that's one of Ralph's strong points, being on time. His weaknesses on the other hand consists of not having anything interesting to say, not having any motivation to do anything other than watch Big Brother, and of course turning up at all.

I am standing at the bar, peeling my feet from the carpet which has faded sun blots splattered across it and bald spots where the ground in cigarette butts have spread their cancer, waiting for the circular man at the end of the bar to notice me. Things are different here, it's not like the main town way of life, here you wait, but with it usually comes-

'Yes my dear? What will it be?' He's with me now, having finished his brief but enthusiastic conversation about someone else's kids. His smile is yellow toothed and childlike. It's kind.

'A glass of white wine please and a lager shandy with a dash of lime.' He grins and spins rather delicately for such a big man.

'Coming right up.'

I turn to my mother who is staring idly out of the window. She is looking old, well, she is old. Not so much in years as in experience. She aged rapidly after she was diagnosed with cancer, seemed to age more when she went into remmission. Either way I miss her, I miss her vitality, her life. But I am so grateful that she is, for the moment, winning this fight.

'I've not seen you guys around here before.' I look back to the landlord.

'Just passing through,' I say and hand over a ten pound note. The landlord nods and seems to whisper from his mind something about people from towns, never wanting to talk, never-

He hands me my change and I try my best smile. It's true, we don't talk enough, but due to the approaching circumstance and my natural temperament, it's not something I will be changing here, not today. The coins clink into my purse and I pick up my Mum's shandy and carry it over to her, leaving my drink on the bar. I know that it's not a good idea now-a-days but considering that the only other people in the bar are so old that it would take them most of the week to reach it, Im not too concerned.

The sun is shining outside, birds are trying to liven up the rest of the natural world, so that's where I intend to intercept Ralph and, well, fill him in.

'Thanks love,' Her eyes are grey. 'When's your father getting here?'

'Soon,' I say as I place her glass onto a beer mat advertising a beer that's no longer sold or heard of. I pick up the huge chunk of glass used as an ashtray. 'I'll move this Mum,' She glances briefly and her nose crinkles. I notice that it's not cute anymore, there is bitterness in it, not aimed at me, not aimed at those who have used it, it's aimed at everthing, it's aimed at cancer.

I smiled at her and plonked the ashtray next to my glass of wine, picked it up, took a sip, enjoyed the cold as it slipped through me, into my lungs, and mooched outside. And there he was, right on cue, walking through the outer gate of the pub, grinning at me. I shuddered.

'Hey baby,' He yelled, the birds' stopped their chit-chat and stuck their beaks up in the air.

I forced a smile. 'Hey Ralph.' He kissed me on the lips and a pang of guilt warmed my cheeks. Does he really deserve this? Is he really that bad? Well, yes, he is. Apart from the lack of charm, aim and respect, I knew that he'd cheated on me. Who with? For starters who the hell else could he charm? But it really didn't matter, it was now time to move things on.

'Where are the in-laws?' He asked and I ran cold despite the heat.

'My Mum is already here, but-' I cut short and thought for a second. Was this too much? Surely there must be another way. I quickly decided that there wasn't.

'You okay babe?'

'I'm fine, but please,' I motioned to a moulding wooden bench which was shaded from the sun by a gangly beach tree, 'Sit with me.'

Ralph frowned and I pushed away the guilt again before moving to the chair.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. 'There is something you should know about my parents, something which perhaps I should have told you earlier, but, it's awkward.'

Ralph took my hand and I subtly moved it away and put my glass in my now free left hand.

'Twelve years ago my father died.' Ralph raised his eyebrows but said nothing. 'He was out walking with our golden retriever Susie and he was knocked down by a hit and run driver. He was killed on impact, as was Susie, and found the next day.'

Ralph spoke, 'Christ.'

I sipped my drink and continued. 'The thing is, my Mum has never really come to terms with his death, infact she still thinks he's alive. She's so deluded that she is expecting him to turn up anytime. I'm sorry.'

Ralph swallowed hard, a hollow gulping sound resonated from his throat like a cartoon character. 'Christ,' He said again. 'Well, I suppose that hand in hand with the illness, it's not really shocking that she's lost the plot.'

This comment murdered any trailing feelings I had for him. Lost the plot! 'Well,' I said as I got to my feet, 'We can't leave her in there all alone,can we?'

Ralph smiled, 'Well, we could.'

I nearly slapped him. Ralph got up and I led him back into the pub and striaght to my mum.' She moved her gaze from the window and smiled, her eyes loosing their loneiness for a second. 'Ahhh, you must be Ralph the mou-.'

'Mum!.' I giggled.

'Oh, he's a big lad, I'm sure that he can handle a bit of grief from an old lady.'

Ralph bowed his head as if to say, 'yes'.

'It's her dad you've got to worry about. He'll be here in a minute.'

Ralph shot me a side glance and I realized that rather than sympathy he was suppressing a snigger. I replied, 'Yes Mum.'

'Oh yeah, her Dad is a bit of a tease. He's just out with the dog, he'll be back in-.'

I turned towards the door and widened my eyes. Ralph spotted me and followed the trail left by my eyes. 'You okay?' He asked as I stared at the man in the door, but said nothing. Instead I watched without sound as Susie lethargically stood by her master, my dad.

'Dad.' I gasped, and Ralph went white. 'Dad,' I said again.

'Darling!' He beamed and took a great stride towards me. Susie barked, Ralph put his weight on the table, causing it to wobble and spill a drop of my mother's shandy.

'Clumsy.' she said, but Ralph wasn't listening.

'But,' He stammered, his eyes taking in the man, the dog, then me, then the man. 'But how?'

My father held out his hand and moved towards Ralph, 'And you must be Ralph.' He said, but Ralph just edged away. My father frowned. Ralph took one more look at me, his eyes bulging from their sockets like someone was squeezing too hard on his skull.

'Honey?' I asked as Ralph swivelled to manouvre around my father's frame. He let out a sharp, sqeeking sound and without warning fled for the door. And then, just like that Ralph was gone.

I laughed and gave my dad a big kiss on his cheek. He was still frowning. 'You don't half pick em' girl.' He said, motioning with his hands that Ralph was obviously crazy. 'You want a drink?'

I nodded.

'And your friend?'

'Oh,' I said, 'I wouldn't worry about him.'

'If you say so,' My dad said as he turned his back on me, 'Poor sod looks like he's seen a ghost.'

I laughed again, part in relief, part for fun, and sat down next to my mum. 'I think he thinks he has.' I said and clinked my glass with my mum's.

THE END