Decet Causa

Decet Causa
by
William Welstead

         Amber Altera laid out on the bathroom floor. The tile cooled against her

face.. Baby blue. Everything in the room was baby blue. The throw rug was the

only thing that wasn’t. It was white.

Three years ago that they met. His name was John Andreas. They met at the

Church social. She saw him standing up against the wall. He had the most striking

eyes. The burning blue that always made her fall in love with him. He walked over

to her and they danced a round or two. She can’t remember the music. She

always wanted to remember the music that was played, but she could only

remember his eyes, and they way they looked at her. Just the way that they asked

nothing, but for the pleasure of her company and the opportunity to dance.

They started dating shortly after. There was always marked by tension, at

least at home. Her parents didn’t like John. She always suspected that John’s

didn’t like her for one reason or another. She asked John about it, he always told

her that “She don’t need to worry about that. He was happy.” That was enough for

the both of them. On every Friday, they would go to the local football game and

they would watch her little brother play, he was a defensive lineman and did well.

Most nights he’d come away with at least one sack.

Saturday’s they would go to the movies. One week, she’d pick, the next him.

Most weeks they would just pick something to pick something. Only on the rare

occasion did they both agree on a movie. It didn’t matter though, it was with one

another. That’s all that mattered. Afterwards, they would go to a lane that was lined

with trees up and down the street. They would sit on the trunk of his car and they

would talk, kiss, hold one another. They didn’t do anything beyond that. To that

they both agreed.

Sunday, they would pray together. They would go with their individual families

and then they would sit together. John’s family eventually acquiesced and went to

Amber’s family, and they began to sit in the same pew. They would all listen to the

sermon together and pray with each other.

They had dinner on occasion. It was always an issue. Amber and John would

sit next to each other, Amber’s brother and the families sitting around the oak table.

Always in silence. Amber and John would hold hands under the table while their

parents tried to force small talk. Amber would look at her plate. John would look at

her. She could always feel his eyes on her.

After the first year together, they spoke about getting married.

“What do you think about marriage?” Amber asked.

“Definitely. I think that we shouldn’t go right now. I’ve not slept, and we need

to get you a proper dress.” John said. Amber laughed.

“Yes, I need a dress. But I’d get married naked with you.” Amber said.

“No, not until I’m married. Then you can give me that as your present to me.”

Amber looked to him and kissed him.

“What about your present to me?” She asked.

“Gratitude from a lonely young man.” He kissed her. They watched the stars

through the tree limbs that night and Monday he came up to her.

“I got a job. I’m working as a bag boy at the Publix down the road. I’m gonna

save up. When I get you that ring. Then we’ll figure out the rest.” John looked at

her and she was smiling ear to ear. “In the meantime, wear this for me.” He took her

left hand in his and put a ring on her ring finger. It was a silver band. Small and it

had engraved into it “Ego votum vos meus pectus pectoris.”

“What does it mean?”

“To you I promise my heart. Its Latin.” John looked to her and her face was red

with blush, and her eyes water with tears. She took her hands and grasped his.

Then she kissed her new ring.

“I promise you mine. And when you get that ring I’ll say yes.”

And such was their life. Some days were better than others obviously. They

fought about a concert that she wanted to go to and he didn’t. Two days later he

showed up with front row seats and a bouquet of tulips.

Three weeks ago that he told her,

“I have the money. I’m shopping around right now.”

“For what sweetheart?” Amber was reading an article about hungry children in

Somalia.

“Your ring. The one I’ve promised you.” He looked to her.

“OH! I’m so sorry I forgot honey! You want me to go shopping with you?”

Amber dropped her magazine, and threw her arms around John.

“No I want it to be a surprise. Thanks though! It’s alright its been a long while

since we talked about it much less to the point of actually getting the ring.” Amber

kissed him.

“I should tell my parents soon.” Amber said.

“Yeah, I should tell mine soon too.” John said.

“What do you think they’ll say. I just hope they’re okay with it.” Amber turned

and caressed Johns back.

“Me too Amber. I don’t think that I could take it if our parents didn’t agree on

this.”

“Well theres only one good way to find out.” She said. The held each other for

a moment. Dust rolled around them on the old dirt road that they had known so well

in the past three years.

         Then Amber kissed John on the lips. This wasn’t any kiss that Amber had

ever given before. The difference was subtle. This kiss was an indicator, a device.

Something that given any other circumstances would be an alarm to her and to

John. But instead of it being an alarm. It was an invitation. The love that the two of

them felt for one another was still there. This was more then that. It was the kiss of

a woman telling her man that there was nothing stopping him now.

It was the kiss that helped her lose.

Amber got home late that night. Just as her parents were going to bed. Her

father was walking around the house turning off the lights as she walked in.

“If you’re gonna be late you should have called.” He said.

“I’m sorry Daddy.” Amber was trying to look as though she just lost track of

the time, and it was then that she noticed that the silence was hanging in the room.

Her father stood there and watched her. It appeared as though she was being

studied. ‘Does he know? No, he couldn’t know. It’s not as though its possible.’

He finished with the lights and said,

“Good Night sweetheart.”

“Good night daddy.”

The next day the two of them met at church during services she slipped him a

note. She then squeezed his hand and looked him in the eyes and smiled.

“John, my love. We can’t do that again, not until we’re married. If we are

truly forgiven then God will find a way for us to prevail over our sinful urges. However,

for one glorious evening, I just wanted to be yours. I can’t imagine having lost mine

to anyone else. So I thank you. I loved what we did, and I can’t wait for our wedding

night. I’ll see you later this evening my love.

Ego votum vos meus pectus pectoris

Amber.”

And their routine didn’t change after that. Amber and John did what they had

always done. Brother’s game on Friday, movie on Saturday, Church and dinner on

Sunday.

Two weeks later, John called Ambers house.

“Where you gonna be in an hour?” John asked. His voice was odd, it was

probably the cell phone that he used, always a little buggy.

“I’m at home working on something.” She replied.

“Good, stay there would you? I love you!” She heard through the breaking up

of the cell phone.

“I love you too.” She blushed. Then she heard the phone click off. John was

never that short, but she suspected that this was the day. And she thought nothing

of it.

Three hours passed. Nothing, not a call from John, and there wasn’t any sign

of him.

         It was started to get dark and Amber looked to her driveway. There is still

nothing there. It wasn't until five o'clock, when John's father called.

John didn't see the oncoming tractor-trailer in the other lane. John didn't see the

ditch on the side of the road. Amber's father took her hand, sat her a side.

“ Amber, John's dead.”

“ What? That's not possible. How did it happen?”

“ John got hit by truck. He died instantly. He was on his was way he here.”

Two days later at the funeral, John's mother and father embraced Amber.

Later that afternoon, Amber started to vomit. She had been feeling odd, every

morning. She was always rushing to the bathroom for one reason or another. But

she wasn't feeling ill. Just queasy. She couldn't explain why that was. She

mentioned it to one of her friends, and they looked at her.

“ Did you and John fool around any.”

“No, not at all.” Amber said, panicking in her brain.

“Well, maybe you have the stomach flu then, then again John did just die. I

could understand that. But if you were fooling me, I'd say that you were pregnant.”

Amber's head reeled. She remembered all those discussions she's had with

her other friends, those who hadn't waited. Just as she had done. Those who loved

their young men with all their hearts, those who couldn't imagine leaving the small

town where they grew up, those who were so in the moment that they didn't regret

what they had done, just the manner that they had done it. The sex was always

good by all accounts, it never felt sinful, but everyone of them wish they waited for

their fiance or maybe someone that their parents approved of. About a third of her

friends had children of their own now. They love their children. But their lives are so

hard. They struggle to make ends meet with three jobs between her friends and the

father of their child.

“What if I am pregnant? It obviously is John's. I can't do this without my

parents, I can't do this without his parents, theres just so much. But this is John's

child. I can't just let him go. I miss his touch so much already, I miss his smell.”

Amber began to tear up.

All Amber did now was cry. She was scared of what was going to happen to

her, and to her and John's child. She most of all just missed him. The sympathy

cards and the flowers and the days off from church so she could mourn didn't help.

Amber didn't know for certain that she was pregnant though. She didn't know for

certain if the pain in her stomach was that of a newborn developing or a knot in her

stomach from John's death. She suspected, but didn't know.

Amber woke ahead of everyone else and took the car into town. She carefully

dressed and covered up. There had to be no one who knew. She stepped into the

corner Woolworth's, and stepped to the family planning counter, picked up the

cheapest one she could and went to the register.

“18.34 is your total ma'am.” Amber handed her a twenty.

“Keep the change please, and I don't need a receipt.” she took the test and

stepped out into the cold to her car. She tossed it in and drove back.

Amber pulled into the driveway and was relieved, the rest of the family had left.

She stepped into the kitchen and sat down a note had been left.

“Amber we need to talk to you about joining the rest of the family now. Love

Dad.”

She sighed, this week her brother was part of the all star team in football,

she'd miss it, but for this she had to. She opened the test. And looked at it for a

moment. Then read the instructions, urinate on the tester and then wait sixty

seconds. Simple enough. She went to her bathroom and urinated on the tester.

Flushed the rest and sat to wait.

She closed her eyes. John seemed to be standing there, watching her, both

looking at her with a sort of sadness that didn't seem to go away, and love. Love

that was always there for her. Amber knew that he was there waiting for her. That

he would always be with her for everything but to be here now, physically, was the

only thing he couldn't be here for.

Tears welled in her eyes and drifted.

“I know you would tell me to be strong now. But I don't know what I'm going to

do. I'm having your child I'm not giving him, her. Up for anything.” She looked up.

A minute had passed.

She picked up the test and looked at it for a moment. Then again. And she

breathed in.

She is pregnant.

Amber needed to tell someone. Anyone. Who though. I could tell his family.

I could tell my friends. I need to tell his family. I need for someone to tell me that

its going to be okay. She ran out the door, knocking the note off the kitchen table,

and blowing the paper towels around the spool. She grabbed the keys, and jumped

into the car. She threw the car into reverse and started to drive. At the first stop

sign she stopped and took a deep breath.

What do I say? What can I tell them? I had sex with your son. And now I

bear his child. Hi Mr. Andreas, I'm pregnant, and its your dead son's. What can I

say to possibly make this worse?

She continued to drive, it was three miles to the Andreas household. The

pavement seemed to be screaming out in pain, telling her not to go. The trees held

signs in their hands wailing on the glass, “No don't do it!”

Amber pulled into the driveway of the tall two story house. Its dark wood finish

seemed imposing. She always hated coming over here because the house looks

like a dark castle. The way the windows were always drawn shut, and how the

screen door on the front always seemed to be in disrepair one way or another.

She stepped out, and Mr. Andreas appeared in the front door.

“Amber, I was wondering when you were coming over.”

“I'm sorry?” A look of confusion waved over her face.

“John, said before he left that I'd be seeing you soon. In a different light, come

in have some coffee, lets talk about him.”

“Okay.” She stepped up on to the porch through the living room, and into the

kitchen.

“Sit. What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

Amber sat and began to cry and explain her plight to Mr. Andreas what

happened. Every detail. The love they shared. The evening they spent together.

Everything that had transpired.

He nodded.

“So I take it that you're pregnant now?”

“What, how?”

“Right now through your tears and through the very obvious pain that is on your

face, I can tell.”

“Yes I'm carrying John's child.”

“Well, I can't speak for my wife, and we'll have to discuss it, but as far as I am

concerned, we'll support you. As long as you're working, John's child is ours, I can't

say that I approve of what you've done, but that's not my place.

“Know that I didn't like you that much before now. John has had a great many

girlfriends, most of them were not nearly as virtuous as you are. We moved here

hoping that John might take to small town life. We started to go to church and John

started to date you. He assured us there was nothing for us to worry about but, we

doubted. And while we were right in the long run, we were also wrong.

“There have been other girls that he's been with. But he never spoke ill of you

in anyway. I've never seen him like he was right before he- well right before. He was

working so hard. Never did he miss anything, every chance he had he went to

church, and you made him a better person. Made him everything that he could be.

“There are some things he'd like you to have. He gave me this to give to you.”

Mr. Andreas pushed a small ring box across the table. Amber opened it, a ½

carat diamond was on a small golden ring.

“I imagine he was about to ask you to marry him.”

All Amber could do was nod.

“Well follow me and I'll show you his room.” She put the ring on her left ring

finger and followed him up the stairs to his room. He opened the door and walked

in, for the first time, in three years she wasn't allowed up here, but now she was

standing in his room.

On his desk was a picture of the two of them with her little brother. It was

raining that night that they were standing there, and all three of them crowded

underneath an umbrella intended for two. She stood in the center, and the boys

almost out in the rain. There was next to it a lamp, and a pad of paper and pen.

“I'll leave you be.”

“Thank you Mr. Andreas.” the door closed, and she closed her eyes,

breathing in his smell. Looking around, this isn't what she thought she would

remember about him, a clean room, not a spec of dust anywhere, the bed made and

clean. She sat down on his bed and looked around. The man she loved lived here,

in this room.

Amber lay down, and looked at the ceiling and breathed in the clean smell of

John, she felt the threading of the comforter underneath her and saw the light of the

outside peering in through the window. The trees danced outside and made light

waver and stream at all angles at all speeds. The room comforted her. It made

everything seem like no matter what had happened, everything was going to be fine.

John's parents, at least his father, would help; that made at least some of her pain

subside. Some of what was the worst part of the past few days go away.

Amber teared up, but did not cry; she closed her eyes and breathed deep.

The tension of these days had worn her down, and she slept. She left the comfort of

smells and sounds familiar to her bring her closer to rest, and she slept. The

warmth of the cold sun magnified by the westwards windows facing, brought to bear

the understated nature of things that were to be, and she slept.

She slept well into the evening, and the night soon chilled John's room to a

standstill. Amber leaned up and panicked. She had slept through the afternoon into

the early evening. She rushed down the stairs, out the door, not noticing the

Andreas' had left the house for the night. Amber wrestled with her keys and started

her car up, then drove through the night to her home. Her mother's car wasn't there.

Her father's was.

Amber stepped out of her car and stepped into her house. The stench of fresh

whiskey permeated the air.

“Hello?” She asked. There wasn't anyone answering to her calls. The house

was far too quiet. The smell was incredible. She knew her father to drink, but the

smell was never this powerful.

“Amber.” Her father's voice startled her.

“Hi, Daddy.”

“Don't. When did you know?” Her mind cleared. There was nothing now. Not

a sense of anything just her father and the space between her and him.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Why did I just say that?

“You know exactly what I'm talking about girl. Don't sass me. When did you

know that you were knocked up? When did that John kid violate you? Or did you let

him?”

“I- I-,”

“Don't say anything, you let him do that to you didn't you! How many times?

Once, twice, Thirty! I knew he was trouble when he looked at you. When I saw

that look he gave you, I should have killed him! He isn't around now, but I swear to

God that he will not be spoken about in this house after I'm through with you!”

“Daddy, I loved him! We only did it one time, and it was a mistake yes, but I

can't give his child up, I love him too much!”

“Oh I can't have you do that can I, it would be a sin. However,”

He stood up and breathed in , then stepped forward and reached back slapping

her in the face. Amber wheeled back and fell against the table stomach first. She

screamed out and immediately spit blood.

“You little whore; I hope you get what you deserve.”

“I've deserved none of this Dad, and you don't realize it! I loved him more then

you ever loved Mom!”

Amber's father kicked forward and grasped her throat, and held firm. Amber

struggled kicked and failed against him. She wheezed and started to go blue,

purple spots floated before her eyes, and she kneed him in the stomach. His grip

loosened and her belly ached, Amber breathed deep of the air around her, and let

out. She felt a pain growing sharper by the moment, and she looked down. Her

shirt and pants were stained deep red and the stain grew each moment.

Amber's eyes felt heavy and her steps felt forced. She moved to the bathroom

and looked into the mirror. She didn't recognize anything; all around her was a haze

that was fogging everything. Her legs, felt weak and she collapsed, her body falling

backwards, she hit her head on the bathtub, knocking whatever sense had remained

completely out of her. Amber Altera lay on the bathroom floor, blood flowing from

her insides and staining the white throw rug red. The concussion she now suffered

made her sleep, as the hemorrhaging continued for the rest of the evening.

Everything in the room was baby blue. The throw rug was the only thing that

wasn't. It was white.