Arrrgh! A Pirates Tale

“Land Hoooooo!!!” Nippie screamed as the boat crashed into a giant rock formation.

“Where?” Spajedi asked, truly confused.

“We just hit it you idiot.” Nippie replied with a sigh. He always wondered why Spajedi was allowed to be on this boat. “Why does the boat float?” Was one of Spajedi’s favorite questions to ask, as he asked it every time they went out on the water. Nippie had questioned the captain, The Baron of Sand, about it a few times but the Baron had always Plead the Fifth. “He is the Barons third cousin, nine times removed.” Uppy Chucks told him one night.

“What did we hit?” Hollered the Baron.

“We hit something.” Downy Throws said matter-of-factly.

“WHAT?” The Baron screamed, his face turning red.

“Something hard.” Downy Throws replied again.

The Baron pulled out his sword and waved it in a threateningly sort of way at Downy. Downy immediately stopped talking and went back to swabbin the deck. It was then that Boomer Firestick came up from below the deck. “Did they get him from the top of a beanstalk?” Was the first thing that popped up in most people’s head when they first saw Boomer. Boomer was a big man, eight foot tall and a muscular 225 pounds. His skin was darkened by so many days in the sun. The most peculiar thing about Boomer was the one single hair on his head. The hair was purple and hung down all the way to his ankles, which is where he braided it in with his leg hair.

“What happened?” Boomer asked, his voice resembling two giant stone slabs being grinded together.

“We hit an island.” Screamed Nippie, his voice resembling two squirrels fighting.

“Well that is quite neat.” Replied Boomer.

“Well, I guess we aren’t going anywhere for awhile.” Replied the Baron.

“Well then I guess I should probably tell you my story.” Nippie replied.

“OK, Boomer and Uppy, you go check the island out.” The Baron ordered.

“Well, since Boomer and Uppy are going to be gone a while, I guess I can tell you everything about me.” Nippie started, preparing himself for a long story.

And with that, Nippie started his story. Nippie’s story is very sad. His parents were hippies and that was also there last name. Nippie was made fun of often at school because his name was Nippie Hippy. When he failed the second grade for the fourth time, he decided to drop out of school and into the dangerous world of flower eating. It was so dangerous because you never knew what flowers had thorns and which one’s were poisonous. Nippie was living a pretty good life, his parents were well known among the hippie community and were well liked. They were invited to go on a boat ride from California to New York by going through the country. It was there that they met JaJa Pinklewinkle, a 900-pound gymnast from Oslo, Norway. They became good friends and decided to have dinner with him one night. They were early so they sat down and waited for JaJa. JaJa showed up ten minutes later, and not seeing them around his massive ear fat, sat on them, killing them slowly while sucking them into his back. It took the detectives two years to find them. Nippie was staying with his grandmamma at the time and saw the news on the television. He was heartbroken. When his grandmamma left him alone for a minute, he ran away with the of seeing the world and forgetting about everything bad that had happened in his life. He was visiting the Empire State Building when he slipped on a pile of ketchup that someone had left there. It was here that the freak coincidence happened, as a giant gust of wind came and blew him all the way to the Pacific ocean, where he landed in the crows nest of the Saucy Woman, instantly killing the old pirate up there, Ally Glsen. The Baron, when seeing the new man in there, decided to keep the new man and so Nippie became the new crownester of the Saucy Woman.

“And that is my story” Said a tearful Nippie Hippy.

And with that, the entire crew clapped their hands in applause. The crew had never heard such a sad story, even the Baron was crying so hard that Downy put his arm around him to comfort him. The Baron punched him in the face. Everyone was starting to calm down when they heard a scream. They all ran over to the side rail of the ship, except for Downy who was still unconscious on the ground.

“That sounded like Uppy.” The Baron said, tears gone now.

“We should go help them!” Nippie screamed, truly worried for his friends.

“Wait, look, there they are, their coming, get ready to take off!” The Baron said after he saw Nippie pulling out his fish-tooth dagger.

Uppy and Boomer came running up to the ship, both red faced and obviously out of breath. Their running was peculiar because they were running with their legs far apart from each other. They leaped onto the deck of the ship, sprawling out on their stomachs as the Baron got the ship moving.

“There…was…a…witch.” Uppy panted.

“Ummmppphhh…upmmmhhh.” Boomer muttered.

“Yeah, what he said.” Nippie joked.

“WWWWAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” Came a roar from the jungle.

The entire crew (except for Downy, who came awake while muttering something about a flying donkey) looked over to see a massive tree come running towards them. The Baron shook his head and realized that it wasn’t a tree, but a big ugly woman. She had green hair that the Baron had thought were leaves. The woman was barreling so fast towards the ship that she would have caught it had the Baron been such a savvy captain, as he was able to get the ship away long before she made it there, and she went headlong into the ocean. The crew laughed long and hard until they realized that the witch was getting back out of the water and she looked very unhappy.

“YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU MESSED ON MY ISLAND!” The woman screamed, her voice shaking the water so bad that the boat almost capsized.

“That would be the witch.” Uppy said.

“What a surprise.” Nippie replied, half joking.

The witch starting waving her hands and chanting. After a few seconds of this, she let loose a massive ball of fire that just missed the boat. She cursed loudly and looked like she would have let another ball of fire go, but the first one she fired had hit the water and had started a giant wall of steam, completely covering the boat. Since she couldn’t see the boat anymore, she decided to give up and go dry herself off. The Saucy Woman would live to sail another day.

“What did you guy’s do?” Downy asked, still slightly disoriented.

“We asked her for directions.” Uppy replied, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Well I’m glad you both are ok.” The Baron said.

“Well, Boomer is only half ok.” Uppy said, looking over at Boomer.

“Ummmphhhhyyy.” Boomer mumbled incoherently.

“What happened?” The Baron asked curiously.

“Well, Boomer commented on the terrible house that was behind the witch, not realizing that it was her house. She didn’t take too kindly to him insulting it, so she mumbled a few words and pointed her fingers at him. At first it didn’t look like anything happened. Then Boomer opened his mouth and I saw that his toe was where his tongue should be!” Uppy replied, trying not to smile.

“Ummm…Boomer, I have to see this.” The Baron said, suppressing his own grin.

They all gathered around to look as Boomer opened his mouth. There, wiggling around like a little worm was his pinky toe where his tongue should be. They all oohed and aahed at the sight of the little tan toe. Then came the other question to this problem.

“Where exactly is your tongue then?” Downy asked, truly curious.

Boomer sighed as he started to take his boot off. It was then that Uppy started laughing uncontrollably. The other men on the crew knew what was coming but nothing could prepare them for the sight. The part of Boomers sock where his pinky toe used to be was soaking wet. The Baron shuddered uncontrollably as he thought about what that must taste like. Boomer slowly removed his wet sock, until it came off with a resounding sucking sound. There it was, a pink little thing squiggling around on his foot. Nippie let out a five-year-old girl scream and fainted dead away.

The Baron decided that all this gawking was slowing them down and the mist was starting to receed. Soon the witch would be able to see them again. The Baron yelled for his crew to get back to work. The crew scrambled to get back into their positions. He patted Boomer on the back, and told him that it would be ok. Boomer nodded and started to put his sock and boot back on until the Baron stopped him.

“How about you put that thing to good use and wake Nippie up with it.” The Baron said with a sly smile.

Boomer smiled back and went to go put his newly placed tongue on Nippie’s forehead. Boomer decided that maybe having this little problem could lead to a lot of fun, and with that thought he walked over to Nippie.