Free Fall

"Is there someone else?" I asked as my heart raced.
"Yeah, but don't get mad. We've been broken up for the past three weeks!" He pointed out.
"Yet you continued to sleep with me for the last three weeks! How could you have sex with me just two days ago and now your telling me you found someone else and don't want anything to do with me?" I screamed at him with full force.
"I don't know what to say. The last two years have been okay but it's over, you just need to move on." He declared.

I ended the conversation by slamming the phone down as hard as I could muster. There was nothing left to say to him. He obviously didn't love me anymore. I threw myself down on the bed and surrendered my face into my pillow. The tears streamed down my cheeks and dampened my pillow. I cried and cried until there was nothing left inside of me. I had never felt this way before. I had had other boyfriends in the past but I had never fallen in love before.
Was it really loved though? I think so. I gave myself to him. Something I had never done before.


The thought of him kissing someone else crept into my mind. I tried to push it away but that only brought the thought of him touching someone else into place. I couldn't stand the thought. How could he touch someone else the way he had touched me? I had been his first too. We were together for two freaked years for god's sake. We had broken up many times over the last two years, but somehow we always managed to find our way back to each other. Three weeks ago when we had that fight and broke up; I just assumed we would be back together again soon. This is why I continued to let him keep touching me. How could I be such a fool? The fight wasn't even serious. I was angry with him because he was so controlling. He always had to know whom I was with and where we were going. He didn't trust me and I had never given him reason not too. When I argued with him about the issue he would get so angry, like he had a right to know my every move and thought. He then treated me like total crap until I chose to apologize. He felt nothing about belittling me with the famous "b" word or something even worse. He made me feel as if I should be kissing the ground he walked on. He always made me feel so superior to him. I think he thought I should be happy just to be with a guy like him.
I am a bit overweight and he's an average looking guy. Maybe I should have felt lucky to be with him...


I then ponder back to our conversation where he thought nothing of sleeping with me over the past three weeks that we were split up. How stupid I had been to still sleep with him. How could he tell me that he loves me and touch me the way he did and then break my heart two days latter? Was our whole relationship a lie? I know I love him and it's ripping my insides apart thinking he doesn't love me anymore or maybe he just never did. I can't take this. How am I going to go on?
Oh crap; what if he was seeing this other girl during the last three weeks we were still sleeping together...
The thought tears at my heartstrings. I become nauseous with the thought that I had been used. I had been providing a service to him and when the bastard no longer was satisfied with my services, he traded me in for a newer model.
Maybe a thinner model as well. If I had just lost a little weight would he have stayed...
I thought about this as I drifted into a meaningless fitful sleep.


In the morning I awoke and immediately noticed the pain in my chest was still there, a long with the nausea. It was Saturday and I decided to remain in bed and throw myself a pity party. I called everyone I could think of who may care to hear my news. I tried to rationalize what he did to me with every waking thought. I just couldn't do it. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I'm a pretty decent person. I mean I'm an average teen and I have my moments, but for the most part I think I'm a good person. I wonder over and over again did he ever really love me?

A week comes and goes and I manage to stumble out of bed each morning mainly because I have to. I have school and I can't afford to miss anymore days. I get through the week somehow, not really living but just existing. I can't even recall most of what happened during that week. All I know is that it's Friday again. Fridays' were usually spent with him. We use to rent movies and watch them at his house. We would cuddle up together on the couch and watch some kind of horror or action movie we had rented. Then of course one thing would lead to another and we would end up making love.
Well I thought of it as making love but someone who loves you doesn't throw you away without a thought. To him I am sure it was just another screw!
Yes, I'm bitter...
I wonder if the new girl is will be over his house tonight? I wonder what her name is and what she looks like?
Enough all ready...


I am so down that I decide to take my friend Aiesha's invitation to spend the night. She's not a great friend and she tends to get on my nerves but it was something to take my mind off of him.
When I arrive at her house we decide to take a walk. She lives by the beach and it was a nice warm day. As I gazed into the ocean's wild waves, it reminded me of how rough and rocky my relationship with him had been.
Why do I miss him so much? Why can't I stop agonizing over him and move on?


During the walk back to Aiesha's house we passed a row of summerhouses. One in particular caught our eyes. There were a bunch of college guys sitting out on the lawn in beach chairs drinking beers. Aiesha, being the outgoing type that she is said hi to them. I on the other hand averted my eyes and concentrated on the sand a long the road. These guys were obviously too old for us but it didn't stop Aiesha from continuing to talk to them.
Oh no, they’re motioning us to come closer to talk to them...
I am hesitant but Aiesha yanks me towards them and I obviously have no choice. We talk to the guys for a few minutes. I say we talk but it's mostly Aiesha who does the talking. I'm pretty shy around guys I don't know very well, especially older guys. I mumble out my name and age. Aisha glares at me when it doesn't even occur to me to lie about my age. We find out that these are indeed college guys from another state. They are renting the house for the summer. When I finally tug on Aiesha's arm to signal that it was time to go, the guys surprise us by inviting us to a party they were having latter that night. Before I could utter that there was no way we could go, Aiesha informs them we would be there.


Later that night after we pretend to be asleep, we sneak out Aiesha's bedroom window. Aiesha’s room is on the first floor so it's pretty easy. It's about 10:00 PM I notice on my watch as we crouch low to the ground and scatter behind some bushes in the yard. I thought I would be nervous sneaking out but instead I feel nothing. It's like I have a void inside me and it doesn't really matter if we get caught. I don't care about getting in trouble, I don't care about going to this stupid party and I don't care what happens at the party either. Nothing matters anymore. I am with Aiesha but I feel even more alone than when I was home earlier by myself. I check my cell phone quickly as we reach the main road. He hasn't tried to call me. I thought about calling him as I brought the phone closer to me, Aiesha took my phone from me and turned it off.


When we arrived at the "house party", I could see there were more people there than I thought. As the pop music vibrated deftly in my ears I was amazed to see that Aiesha and I appeared to be the only girls at the party. This didn't seem like a good sign to me but then again, I feel nothing so what does it matter? I spy one of the guys sitting in the corner of the living room downing a beer. He's staring at me and I dare to stare back, cause I can be bold when I don't care.
He's really hot...


One of the guy's motions to Aiesha and me and shows us out to the kitchen where there is a huge keg and about a dozen or so hard liquor bottles on top of the table. I'm not a big drinker. In fact I really don't even like the taste of alcohol at all, but I don't care so I mine as well fit in with everyone else and have a drink. I start off with a beer and somehow manage to slowly slurp it down without puking it back up. By the time I am done with one beer Aiesha is on her third. Another one of the guy's comes up to Aiesha and motions her to follow him into the other room. This is when I decide if I am going to be alone, I need to drink a lot more than one beer. I start sampling from the hard liquor on the table. I add a lot of rum into a plastic cup and then a little bit of soda. It stings my throat as it goes down. The taste is so gross but by my second cup I really don't notice the taste anymore.


I begin to wander into the living room and I am astonished to see "boobs and asses" bouncing around on the TV. Screen. I then notice that there are about six or seven guys in the room mesmerized by the nasty porn. I escape that room quickly and mosey back into the kitchen. With no Aiesha in sight I decide it's time for a refill. I don't spot anything-familiar left on the table so I begin to sample other people's drinks that were left sitting out. I don't know what and how much I ended up drinking but it most have been a lot for I began to get light headed and a woozy feeling came over me. I should have stopped then but this feeling felt better than the nothing that I had felt for the last week. I walk into the dinning room and notice that "hot guy" is sitting in the corner talking to a few other guys. They are laughing at something as I enter. Normally I would never be so bold to enter a room with older guys alone, especially ones I didn't know, but the condition I was in threw all my normal thought processes out the window. "Hot guy" began talking to me. The guy was blatantly flirting with. The flirting made me feel noticed. Feeling noticed was even nicer than feeling the woozy feeling, so I continued to stay and talk to him. I don't know really what we talked about or for how long either, but I was loving the attention and it kept me from thinking about you know who for at least a little while.


As I latter wake up, yes wake up. I look around an unfamiliar room. It's pitch black in here so I feel around the walls for a light switch. When I finally locate one and flip on the light, I gasp in horror! "Hot guy" is sprawled naked on the floor of what is apparently a bathroom. I quickly look down at myself and realize that I too am without clothes. I hear "hot guy" murmur something unintelligible and I quickly grab my strewn about clothes off the floor and flip off the light. I stand and somehow manage to put my clothes back on in the dark. I then feel for the door handle and try to quietly slip out the door. I find Aiesha outside sitting on the lawn talking to a guy. I suddenly feel so nauseated that I can barely stand. I flounder around and quickly retch into the bushes. Aiesha has to help me get hold of myself and help me stumble home. On the way home I make a few more retching trips. Sneaking back into Aiesha's window was so not easy either. Once inside I glance at the clock radio and see that it's 4:00 AM. I don't even make it to the bed or change my clothes. I just pass out on the bedroom floor.


The next morning I awake to the unbearable sound of Aiesha's mother clambering around in the kitchen. I smell bacon and eggs and before I can even make it to the bathroom I retch on the floor. My head feels as if someone is inside it banging a loud drum. I glance over at Aiesha who doesn't look too good she but she's definitely doing better than I am. This is when it hits me. I remember back to last night and I am appalled at the fact that I slept with someone whom I didn't even know. I don't even know his last name or anything about him.
I feel so dirty...
I realize that this new feeling is worse than the nothing I had felt previously. I then think of you know whom and wonder what would he think of me?
Oh gosh, I can't think anymore, my head hurts too much...


A few days latter, I am still feeling dirty. I tell no one about what happened at the party. I feel so ashamed and so gross and dirty. Aiesha knows though and I am afraid she'll open her big mouth. I hope with all my might that I am not pregnant cause I don't remember if we used any protection. How could I be so careless? How could I make such a terrible mistake? I'm lucky I didn't get alcohol poisoning as well, since I drank so excessively. I feel so stupid. I will never ever let something like this happen to me again. I won't put myself in that kind of situation again. I should have dealt with the nothing feeling. It was better than this.


When the next weekend comes I decide to stay home the whole weekend alone. I am shocked when "you know who" calls me. My heart does flip-flops at the very sound of his voice. I wonder if he's dumped the new girl? Maybe he wants me back. I am then brought back to reality by the tone in his voice. He bluntly asks me if I slept with some guy last week at a party that I didn't even know. I want to lie, I should lie, but before I can muster up something, my silence gives away my answer. "You know who" then called me a "whore!" How dare he call me that! I may feel like one but he doesn't have the right to call me this. The whole reason this happened was because I was trying to fill the void that he put in my life. I lie to him and tell him "Yes, I am a whore! A huge whore who slept with every guy at that damn party and that they were all better in the sack than him. I don't give him a chance to reply, he doesn't deserve one. I slam down the phone in disgust. I am royally pissed off. I realize though that this feels better than feeling nothing and feeling dirty. I decide to concentrate on the pissed off feeling as I turn on the radio in search of an angry song. I realize that I have learned something out of this whole crappy ordeal. I learned that I would never let anyone degrade me again. The next time I break up with someone I love, I will embrace the damn void and nothingness feeling and move on.





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