Hidden Launguages [draft]

Hidden Languages
just listen a bit harder

Captivating rays of sunlight streamed through the slits in the rich, mahogany, blinds as the sun in its sinking hours gave a performance as though it was its last. Orange tinted clouds were wrapped cosily around the deep rougé mass of the sun as a gentle breeze happened to gently arouse the dandelions and daisies in our overgrown garden to sway with a dreamy passion under its teaching. Outside somewhere, down the winding path beside our house and towards the rocky stream, there came the admiring laughter of children as one braver than them leapt into the moderately cool river thus so splashing their feet and causing them to innocently dance and giggle on the spot. Everything outside had a tranquil air about it after the buzz of a hot summers day and whilst the paving stones were cooling, families were slowly winding down. In half an hour or so the first children would be called in by their concerned mothers; theyd receive the usual moans and protests about how all the other kids got to stay out longer, then the rest would be called in to be scolded for ruining their new shoes or soaking the hems of their pretty frocks. Finally, as the streets grew cooler and lacked that constant chatter and laughter of children the midges would stream into the skies; proving a typical summer annoyance for anyone caught out. And while all this was happening was I observing it? No. I knew it was happening as it happened each and every night, instead of gazing out of my window like a love-struck teenager I was sat on my bed staring at the tray of biscuits in front of me.

* * *

Every woman has a problem with food; her self-image or some part of her that is inevitably affected by food. And although you could chuck us all into the same basket and say we are all of the same kettle of fish you would be judging too quickly; as we all have different problems and different ways we go about handling them. It is rare in life you can come across a woman who can, honestly, say that she doesnt think too much about what she consumes and believe me, if I came across that woman I would not forget her nor would I be able to stop myself from loathing her simply because of my own over-exercised consideration to what passes my lips. Now I say consideration a word that perhaps is in the wrong context as that implies I am careful with what I eat and will refuse something if I can practically see the calories oozing out of it. Wrong. I, every minute of every day, am counting the calories of what I am eating, assessing the fat content, judging the carbohydrate levels but I never know when to stop. Oh, I know the calorie allowance for a woman is something around the number of 2,000 but as many women will agree; if youve had a superbly crap day you are not going to put that chocolate biscuit down just because it goes over your RDA [recommended daily allowance], hell youll probably pick the entire packet up as a big fuck you gesture to the world. And what I never understand is how can they recommend anything for every woman in the world to follow? An excessively large woman cannot survive on a meagre 2,000 calories a day and a woman who perhaps resembles a stick insect would be fit to burst after 2,000 a day. RDA just flies out of the window in my world so I suppose you could say I dont follow it but I monitor it.

Although I say that nearly every woman has a problem with food I am not implying every woman has an eating disorder, because those are only the more extreme cases but plenty of them there are around to see and take note of. A woman when she wakes up instantly is bombarded with questions of what clothes to wear to hide lumpy bits or whether or not today is going to be the serious body-detoxing day youve been putting off for weeks. Some women deal with their problems by turning to anorexia or bulimia, some are just hooked to yo-yo diets and crash courses in being thin. There are those fortunate individuals out there who breezily approach the matter of consuming food and can have a few days of fasting, a few days of scoffing, and never gain nor in fact loose any weight; those obviously know something I do not as my weight spirals throughout the month depending on what I ate the day before, what mood Im in, how many hours sleep I had, and most probably even the bloody weather. But where on earth do these problems come from? We were designed to eat, without food we will perish, so why on earth do so many women obsess over it? The list is endless but it revolves mainly around males and media; more so media than males because I have met plenty a man in my time whos confessed openly he likes a woman with something more to grip. The media attack the public, bombard them with daily photographs of anorexic celebrities or shocking headlines when someone looks like they might have put a pound or two on around their thighs. Thanks to the media and its attention to detail teenagers now are growing up knowing what classes as beautiful and attractive in the beauty standards of the media and so go all-out to achieve the perfect look.





Its unhealthy.





I myself am a teenager, 16 years old, and I cannot live a day without seeing some little thing on TV who looks as though shed break if she fell over. And the media are trying to tell me that; that is attractive? I personally enjoy far more to watch fat people than I do horridly thin people because at least I know there isnt a chance of them just dieing in front of me. I am extremely bitter towards the media, as you may have guessed, but without the media I would be at a most horrible loss. Its a horrible situation that most women find themselves in, hating the media as theyve made such tight beauty standards but also loving them for providing them with the daily fashions, gossip and embarrassing celebrity moments. However I do believe if put to the test I could certainly live without pictures of Cameron Diaz pulling her knickers out of her bum if it would mean I didnt have to see those images of twigs on the shelves at every supermarket I go into. Teenagers develop eating disorders because of what they are shown and I am not going to lie and say Im perfectly normal and dont have an eating disorder because; if I didnt have an eating disorder why would I be taking the time to write about them? Exactly. I know full well I have a problem with food; one that consists of two major elements and a few minor ones. But the two major ones are; not eating in front of people and binge eating.

I have a very strong view that a girl of my size [a voluptuous one, as the media would say] should not be seen eating as that provokes other people to associate myself and food and then the thoughts of well, why doesnt she just stop? Its far simpler just to eat in private I find as I seem to have forgotten how to eat in public anyway; I never seem to get hungry when around groups of people but then when Im alone my stomach just screams to be filled. How do I get around not eating in public? Sometimes successfully, sometimes un-successfully, usually I insist Im not hungry just yet or give no explanation for my declining of a rather tasty morsel of food. But when I am forced to eat in front of people I am incredibly self-conscious; I try to take small bites and whenever I see someone watching me that is it. Im finished. And although I dislike myself eating with a great intensity I am not bothered in the slightest by others eating; male, female, fat, thin, I really do not mind if they eat in front of me because obviously they arent Jenneh and Jenneh is the one who cannot eat in the company of attractive people, and if Im in the company of males? So help me god. I dont know how Ill ever go for a nice romantic meal out.

My second eating disorder, if you like, is binge-eating. On my own I can tuck into some serious amounts of food and that RDA doesnt fly out the window, its shot out from a cannon ball. Then after the binge comes the normal feeling of sickness as though either I make myself sick or, I will actually be sick without provocation. Why did they make the ends of toothbrushes shaped the way they are? For the bulimics out there; they are perfect. Let me clarify I am not bulimic, I dont throw up after every meal, but on the occasion I am sick because I have eaten so much. There are millions of bulimics out there, anorexics too, and they have got where they are today because of something triggering an insecurity in them every person has a vivid memory of some embarrassing and traumatising thing happening to them, I know I do. I was only little but I knew I was plump as it was often referred to then, another favourite was puppy fat, and our class at my primary school were going to be visiting some horses on a farm near the school. Now, as any girl would be I was exceedingly excited and as we lined up we were asked if we wanted to have a ride. Poor, naïve, me jumped at the chance and because of the obvious height difference between myself and the horse, being all of 7, I was lifted up onto the horse. All the other girls had been lifted up easily enough, but the woman strained under my weight and when I was firmly on the saddle she commented on my weight. It was so long ago, and perhaps so traumatic, I no longer remember exactly what she said but I remember even from such a young age; being horrified.