Clowns

Trusting Fear
R.F.

Harley Brown couldn’t sleep. At 7am, he decided to crawl out of his bed and stumble towards the kitchen to partake in his usual breakfast of flapjacks and a tall glass of prune juice, with a twist of lemon.
After breakfast, Harley turned the radio on to become enlightened with news. Not soon after the radio was turned on, the inevitable came, bad news.
The circus was coming, and staying for the duration of the weekend. Harley didn’t mind the concept of a circus as a whole but there was one element that deeply haunted his soul, clowns. Anytime Harley came into close contact with clowns, he became exhausted in a frenzied panic that was difficult to tame.
Harley took some time to think about his gut wrenching fear, and concluded it was time to tackle this silliness already. It was accepting for young children to hold a fear of those menacing clowns, but a grown man succumbed to a shaking anxiety just wouldn’t cut it in the outside world. He wanted to rid himself of this problem. He had often considered doing something about this problem in the past, but he asked himself how often he will see clowns in his lifetime. That question was enough to disregard any further action.
With the circus on its way in a matter of hours, this would be the perfect chance at proving to himself that he was stronger than he imagined he was. It was now or never.
Without further delay, Harley headed down to his cluttered basement to find a book. It was not just any book, rather a book of clown faces.
Years back, a friend of his purchased that book as a gag, for his birthday. At the time, his friend’s generous donation was of mere innocence, he didn’t know about Harley’s debilitating fear. When given to him, Harley showed enough signs of gratitude towards his friend to avoid any hurt feelings. Of course, once his friend had left that day, the book was placed into the basement in an old, soggy, musty smelling box.
Harley decided to ease into facing his fear of clowns. He would place that dreaded book in his hand for the first time since he received it. Harley found himself sitting in a dark room within his basement, with just enough lighting to see. He was cautiously turning each page to find a fresh new clown’s face; each one as sinister looking as the former.
Somehow, Harley got through the entire book. As he carefully closed up the book, he felt a sense of light within this dark filled room; he felt proud.
Harley went upstairs and grabbed his car keys. He was not going to stop there; he had to do more preparations prior to the circus’ arrival.
He drove down a few blocks to the local novelty store. He had never gone inside of it before as he somehow knew that there would be some sort of reminder that he feared clowns. Sure enough, as he entered, there was a vast array of rubber masks hanging on the wall behind the counter. There was certainly a variety of ghastly images, but true to his premonitions, a string of clown mask loomed above, hanging in an imaginary cloud of darkness. Harley looked briefly at the masks before turning away in agony. He ignored the man behind the counter as he knew that this man was staring in disbelief.
Hadn’t this man ever seen someone terrified of such shear evil before? Was it really all that out of reason? Probably so. Harley roamed towards the back of the store to find a supply of colorful wigs and assorted makeup effects packaged up and ready to be sold. He picked up a lime green colored, curly wig, and a large red rubber nose. This would be enough for Harley’s intent of eliminating his phobia. He took that long walk to the cash register without making full eye contact with the man. He didn’t feel comfortable in that store, it seemed as though this unfamiliar man saw through Harley to find a frightened boy afraid of something as simple as a clown. Harley thanked the man, and quickly left the store.
Harley went directly home to prepare for the circus. He placed his red nose over his real nose which made a perfect fit. He pulled himself into his bedroom, and adjusted the lime green wig to look just right. He took a few minutes to stare at himself in the mirror. It was a trying experience, especially at first, but as the minutes passed, he gained some confidence. It was like he was standing directly in front of an actual clown. He wanted to think that if a real clown was truly standing so close to him, that he wouldn’t go running for the nearest prison, to lock himself for life. He just wasn’t too sure just yet. The true test would surely come soon enough.
For the next several hours, Harley sheltered himself in his bedroom, mentally preparing himself for wandering outside.
Harley glanced at the clock, the circus was about to be revealed to the general public. He wanted to get there relatively early, but he asserted with himself that he didn’t want to be involved with the first batch of circus goers. He waited for a few minutes, and then was on his way, driving to the circus grounds wearing his half-ass clown attire.
On the way there, Harley kept chanting to himself “I am not afraid of anything, especially clowns.” It was obviously a lie, but he attempted to build himself up for the night.
Pulling into the parking lot, Harley realized just how popular circuses were. The lot was already half full, but he easily found a spot to park. Just prior to exiting his vehicle, Harley clutched the steering wheel with both hands with such pressure; he needed to feel some build up to feel a sense of strength.
It didn’t take long before Harley was on the circus grounds. The line to get inside was minimal which relieved him; waiting in line would only have prolonged the obvious. That and the wait would introduce a chance at weaseling out of this entire evening. That was the last thing Harley could do, not tonight.
There were all sorts of people walking around: men, women, kids, teenagers, adults, and even elders. Everyone seemed to be wearing a happy face on the confines of the circus. It was bordering on eerie.
There were many food vendors positioned at every angle, with groups of people huddled around awaiting their turn, and of course various exhibits to choose from for entertainment purposes, but no clowns. Harley scanned the grounds and found that there were people everywhere he looked except the far left corner. At first, Harley felt uneasy about that corner, in wondering why exactly that portion of the circus was empty but decided to venture in that direction. As he came up closer on the desolate area, he felt more at ease, there weren’t all sorts of people to deal with, and no harmful sights to face.
Harley thought too soon, just ahead was a cage with nothing inside but a single clown. The clown had a frown on its face, perhaps due to the fact that no one was paying attention to it. Harley considered running like hell for anything else he could find, but he pulled himself together and stayed put.
Harley hadn’t noticed immediately, but in front of the giant cage, rested a gun. There was a small sign placed next to the gun, on top of a heart shaped welcome mat. At first, Harley ignored the sign, but his curiosity got the best of him. He had to find out what it said. He looked up at the clown to find it staring directly at the ground. At least Harley wouldn’t have to face it, at least not yet. The sign read “KILL THE CLOWN AND WIN A PRIZE.”
At first, Harley was exasperated for this was his big chance at exacting revenge.
After being in the position he was currently in, Harley picked his own brain to picture how this silly phobia that begun in the first place. He had always disregarded the reason for it all; he didn’t want to think about it. He remembered that when he was a young child, in his hometown, there would be all sorts of nasty hijinks performed through out the town. For many months, the authorities couldn’t put their finger on which it was that was dismantling the town’s dignity. At first, these shenanigans were fairly harmless, graffiti on some brick walls, throwing things through store windows etc.. But soon enough, it escalated to arson, theft, and eventually murder. It was all at the hands of a clown. Harley recalled watching as the police took him away in cuffs. The person dressed as a clown gave off a sinister laugh that sent shivers through his body.
Harley picked up the gun and aimed at the clown. He was seconds away from blowing this clown to smithereens, but something happened that impeded any further progress. Harley made eye contact with the clown. It was a woman underneath that clown get-up. She winked at him with an extended arm out as though she was reaching out to him.
Harley placed the gun down on the ground and moved closer to the cage.
Before he knew it, the clown’s extended arm was interlocked with Harley’s. It was love at first sight. It didn’t take long before Harley considered this being more than just an evil clown; she was a real person with feelings, and a good person at that.
Harley had always been told to trust his instincts, and that is exactly what he was doing.
The clown pointed to the welcome mat with a hand gesture to lift it up. Underneath the mat, was a lone key. Harley was guided to the lock to where the key should be placed and turned.
Harley unlocked the door. The clown was free to run, hide, or embrace Harley for his freedom based decision. The clown didn’t run or hide, rather thanked Harley for his offering.
The clown and Harley were on their way without any delay, arm in arm, walking through the circus grounds. Harley felt proud; he had actually overcome his fears and quite easily for that matter.
As they progressed through the circus, a question popped up inside of Harley’s mind. Why hadn’t this woman inquired about his red nose and green wig? Didn’t she want to see who he really was? Harley concluded that she was a person who saw through all of the shallow cosmetic looks of a person to find the true inner being. That wasn’t so far fetched; after all, that was exactly what Harley had just done.
The funny thing was that Harley and his new clown friend got no stares from circus goers. They fit in just perfectly. The circus wasn’t so bad at all. Harley became consumed with his new friend and her persistent smile. She carried herself quite well.
Out of the blue, that wonderful smile vanished and that frown returned the one that was present upon Harley’s arrival of the cage.
“Oh me, Oh my, looks like I have forgotten something inside of the cage.”
The vagueness confused Harley a bit but he didn’t feel right in prying further. They had just met. Harley wanted to gain her trust. It would come in time he thought to himself.
Harley followed the clown back to the cage. She stopped on a dime directly in front of the door. She looked at Harley and blinked with such innocence and charm that Harley knew what she wanted. He would go into the cage to retrieve whatever it is that she needed. He didn’t want her to ever have to return inside of that awful cage. It was no big deal for Harley. He climbed himself into the cage.
“Please throw this dread awful sign away for me please. I don’t ever want to see it again. We shall return later to burn it properly.” The clown said in a gentle voice.
Harley took the sign from his new friend’s hand and started to make his way back to a rusty garbage can in the far left corner of the cage.
“HEY CLOWN!” a voice yelled out.
Harley’s clown friend’s smile had returned along with the gun. Harley stood motionless, in shock as he held the sign in his hands.
All Harley could do is stare from the inside of the cage to the outside. He had overcome his fear of clowns, and learned how to trust, a little too much.
Looking at the sign, the clown aimed the gun at Harley and thought to herself that she could certainly use a prize after a day like today.