Something New

Layers of clothing protected me from the outside dangers. Nature in the Pacific Northwest doesn’t take too kindly to the unwary; especially on this Monday evening. My gray gloves matched my gray sweater which lay over my t-shirt. Under my t-shirt, my tank-top served as the last line of defense. My gray cotton beanie rested like a wig atop my head. My black hair was combed down, accommodating the beanie so it wouldn’t be a mess once I took it off. To top everything off, I wore my silver snow jacket. It kept me fortified against everything Mother Nature dished out.

My mind faltered at the thought of doing homework with every step back home against the winter wind. I just got out of class, but work didn’t stop there. I had to start my writing project. The rough draft due date could come by without notice, even if it is a month and a half away. I had a math assignment that went over chapters one through two. I remember getting to chapter three. My math assignment’s not due till next week. The list seems endless, but I have to do it. It’s the reason why I’m here. Like my “friends” would say, “You’re just too good at school.” I wish that was true. Their definition of being good at school is a little different from mine.

I entered my room with everything as I left it. The pencils sat attentively in the mug; the computer screen showed no sign of life (The energy saving option must be on.); my papers sat straight in the folders inside the plastic organizer; the keyboard lay adjacent to the desk edge; the speakers pointed forward aligned with the gray flat screen monitor; no sign of chaos took present.

The only thing that seems out of place in this room made for three (We were lucky to get this room.) was the northwest corner of the room where the other desk was situated. My roommate Dan showcased his different approach to life. His books lay scattered across the right side of his desk while his black keyboard had speckles of bread or cracker crumbs scattered among the keys. The screensaver flashed random pictures of bikini models. A portrait of his pretty girlfriend was taped to the wall crooked behind his computer screen (An unusual place for even a straight portrait.); the chair was not pushed in while on the seat sat text books.

Other than the mess, there was nothing to say about him. We never argued, and there were many times when he would talk about his experiences of the day before bed. It would always be interesting experiences; unlike mine. I admired the way he attacked the social world with tenacity. He had many friends, and girlfriends. He always had something to do other than homework. He would go out during Friday nights while I stayed in finishing up next weeks assignments. Of course, he would always invite me, but I knew I had to find my own place here. I’m not going to follow him around give everybody the perception of me being a stray dog.

The door swung open. “Hey, wussup Andy!” Dan entered the room like he would everyday, with a greeting, throwing off the backpack on the bed, moving the text book on the chair, and then checking his email. He never had a bad day, which accounts for his constant smile. He smiled so casually, enjoying the day while I resent it. I took my eyes away and brought my hands to my keyboard. Looks like another day, another assignment to gruel through.

I went through my earlier youth carefree. I would hang out with my friends everyday, constantly forgetting I would have homework. Of course I would eventually finish it. During high school, I would skip days at a time only to find myself looked down upon by only a few staff members. After all, I was the president of the school, an athlete, popular, and a straight A student. I exploited the system, it was easy. It all changed senior year. Everybody knew I would make it to a college. Personally, I didn’t know if I wanted to go, and if I do go, where I was going to end up. Life at home was too great to leave. I had a girlfriend, friends, and scholarships offered from almost every school in the state.

It was graduation night. The ceremony was done, and the majority of our graduating class went on the graduation night activity. I decided not to go, but instead went to Hooters with some other graduates who decided the same thing.
“So Andy, you know where you’re headed?” Stu asked.

“Well, I’m still not sure yet. I have a couple of choices still with late registration.” I was being honest. I had no idea. “Where are you guys headed?”

“I’m heading up north to UW.” Stu answered and then took a sip of his Sprite.

“I’m heading out of here. It’s no good dwelling on the past so why stay?” Ben answered, smiled, and then leaned forward. He always seem to make any conversation seem more serious.

“I’m moving to Minnesota. You guys already know that.” Ron took a huge gulp of water. Job outlook was on the rise in Minnesota according to his uncle who just recently moved there. He told us he had to go there and start new because things here weren’t that great. He barely graduated.

“Well, let’s not talk about it anymore. Let’s just enjoy this while we can.” Ben lifted his glass. “This is to our future and out of that hell hole.” We toasted with him. The clank sound of our glasses gave us the attention in the restaurant. That “hell hole” wasn’t that bad. That thought stayed in my mind throughout that night.

That same night, I looked at my letters of intent. I had to choose one. Ben was right. There was no use dwelling in the past. It’s the only time in our lives where we can experience the world. The stepping stone that is going to get me to experiencing the world was college. My mind wandered of the possibilities as I browsed through the five letters. Two of them were out of state, while the other three were in-state colleges that also offered grants and scholarships.

The next day, I had to hang out with my girlfriend. Michelle knew that I wanted more out of my life. She knew I didn’t want to be stuck here forever. We would have deep conversations about random things months prior, and I remember one of those random things was my future. I sat there, looking at the menu. We didn’t say anything. This was unusual. We would usually find something to talk about, even when doing something miniscule like deciding on a meal. I felt like I was at a dilemma. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I didn’t know what to say to her.

“Andy, we need to talk.” I took my eyes off of the menu and turned to Michelle. It was like she read my mind. “Have you decided where you were going?”
Of course I had no idea. “I’m still not sure. I wanted to wait a little bit, but it looks like I have to choose soon.” She wasn’t like her light-hearted self today. She would usually smile.

“Well, I don’t want to hold you back, so I want you to go wherever you want.”
“I don’t think you’re holding me back.” Is she holding me back? Is it why I’m hesitant on leaving?

“I think I am. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I think it would be best if we end this. But for now, let’s have fun tonight.” Her familiar smile crept over her face, but it was different. I could tell in her eyes that it was forced. She was feeling something different. I didn’t know exactly what she was feeling, but at least she was smiling.

I took my gaze back to the menu. I knew this conversation was coming. I didn’t respond. Of course I didn’t. There was nothing to say to that. I agreed with her on the reason why. In a way, I wanted the same thing.
“If that’s what you want.” I answered behind the menu. I didn’t let out any emotion. I didn’t know how to feel. I wanted to smile, but at the same time it felt like my chest was taking a beating.

I finalized my decision after I got home that night. I would go out of state. I had nothing to lose now. Nothing could hold me back. All my friends were leaving, and the few that were staying were too busy to hangout much.

I guess that’s why I’m trying so hard. When I left everything and everybody behind to start anew, I didn’t know I would feel so down. Everyday after that I would grudgingly endure. I don’t even remember ever smiling casually, but instead I would remember lots of times when I would force it just to show people that I had a heart like them and there was nothing wrong with me. I’m not cold. It’s just hard to smile here.

“Hey Andy, I’m going to this party. I think you should go. You remember those girls from last week that visited? Well, one of them wants you there, you little stud you.” Dan came over and patted me on the back. Honestly, I didn’t know which girls he was talking about. He gets a lot of visits every week by random girls (Which was surprising because he didn’t look that great.). Sometimes they would ask for help on homework (Most of the time, he wouldn’t be able to help them). Other times girls would just visit him and say “hi.”

A smile crept over my face. It was forced of course. I didn’t know what to say. I had a lot of homework to do. With the impending midterm coming in two weeks, I didn’t know what to say. I had to change this somehow though. I had to find someway to enjoy my stay here, because I’m going to be here for awhile. I’m not going to have the same things I had before back at home, so I might as well try to have something new. Isn’t that why I chose this university, this state far away from home? I wanted to start anew, so why not take up the invitation?

I slowly took my hands off the keyboard and looked at the plastic organizer which contained all the homework I was planning to do.

“Sure, why not?” Maybe it was this urge to make a change and just lighten up. Looks like things are going to be different; maybe not.