On Adaptation and Goddess

I have chosen to share my life and consequently, my son’s, with a wonderful man whom I love and adore. So much is my love for this man that I altered my life-style completely to suit him and consequently, my son. It is not a begrudging choice at all. My challenge is to adapt to my new life-style while re-inventing my identity.

I spent much time inventing my identity as a single mother, without a man and being self-sufficient, while advocating for myself in this capacity. This was a huge challenge which I was ultimately successful at, while enjoying myself along the way.

I embraced the “single” part in as much as I didn’t require a mate, but the occasional company of a man was useful enough. I spent many a free moment pondering love and relationships, discovering what parts would suit me and what would not. Certainly, the more carnal things I desired immensely, being of that nature. Most times, I could satisfy those cravings myself, others I gave in to a suitor merely for the sake of my own pleasure or power (for I enjoy the power that sex brings). Ultimately, men were a means to an end either in furthering my learning about human relations or a simply a muse of the moment for myself and those that sought to hear of my adventures as a modern day single mother.

Eventaully, I allowed myself to be courted by my current mate. Something about him was completely familiar while at the same time, remained different from other men. The difference was perhaps, as I’ve admitted to him, he held my attention intellectually (not an easy feat for most men). Familiar in that I felt I was reconnecting with a soul that I’ve known always. His presence spoke to me in a way that was safe and comfortable. His courting was not grand, but it suited and amused me.

On a deeper level, there was a mental bond I recognized immediately. He yielded his mind to me or maybe mine to his, perhaps both. There are few people in this world I admit having a bond on a psychic level. My immediate family (my parents and my sisters) their children own that on some level. Stronger yet is the psychic bond between my son and me. At times, I can feel the exchange of energy between us. Other times, I have to remind him that it isn’t polite to read mommy’s thoughts, which is a statement I do not make to him in the company of others. I felt a similar exchange of energy the first time my current partner and I consummated our bond. He recognized this to some degree in the type of high he experienced afterwards. He commented on this feeling, referring to me as witch or succubus (I can’t remember exactly if he said one or both of those things), not fully understanding the exchange, but recognizing it.

He does openly recognize that link now. This is what I think furthers our difficulties in adaptation at the moment. We can tap into each other’s feelings so easily that even when he’s at work, he feels my self-doubts about adapting and I can feel his response to it. I can feel his ache and want of finding a secure place in our new family. I feel his fear of failing to provide me with enough love that I stray from faithfulness. His fear of being burned yet again.

These are the negatives to which there are positives. The positives are easily conjured by imagination, being accurate if you are reading this. For time’s sake, I will not explore them at this time. It’s enough for me to feel them.

I lose sight quickly of how he is more than outsider in this new living arrangement. My son and I have spent the past 5 years living together. We understand how each other function, live and love. We have had to learn to include our new family member in this. At times, we fail but do not see this failure until it is pointed out to us. Of course we re-adjust our behavior, but the lack of sight is a toxic blow is already delivered and can not be taken back from our sensitive new member.

It is made harder to adapt when one sees this sensitivity as a weakness. It is a challenge to me to because it is a new feature in a partner for me. It is very desirable in theory and often in application. But being at times a selfish woman, it is not something I nuture correctly in my partner. It is not something he is rewarded for as it should. Instead, it leads to his insecurities and fosters my self-doubt. My self-doubt leads to my feeling of not being worthy of such a love. Oh, such bad stuff.

Now being defined as (soon to be) wife and mother, my role is mainly to love and nurture my family. Being stuck in self-doubt and fear of inability to meet these needs hinders the thing I am trying to accomplish. Trying succeed in this new role while trying to maintain any identity of self is one of the hardest challenges I have initiated for myself.

While writing this a few things have come to my attention that I feel are important for this piece of personal reflection. One is that is clear I do my best to avoid the here-in because it makes me feel terribly flawed as a woman, partner and mother. The other is that my emotions at the moment are intense and due to the empathic connection with my family very difficult to take stock of in order to sort out. Also that my most difficult challenge to which I am not feeling success in over-coming is meeting the needs of self, son, partner and home as well as not finding any balance for accomplishing those things. Perhaps the latter is more important and core of the issue at hand. The former are perhaps the obstacles.

My emotions have been off the wall since I arrived in my new home. They range from high to low almost daily. I am ultimately glad I have made this choice, but I struggle to find balance and in that there is a sense of failure. The need of the person I fail to meet almost always is my own. I recognize this cycle. I give until there is nothing leftover for myself at the end of the day. When I try to adjust the balance, I over-compensate (like today as I spend hours on my own reflection while the dishes are left undone and my son sits in front of the TV to be entertained). Then starts the guilt, the cycle keeps on.

The rest suffers through my guilt. I begin to project it onto family through insecurity. Now insecurity is not something I am used to anymore. I have, until now, been very secure in a lot of aspects of my life, including my self-worth and my desirability as a partner. Consider those fleeting at the moment. For the first time ever in my relationship with my wonderful man, I feel less than goddess. Much less.

When I first felt this, I was so caught off guard that I failed to address it. Being in tune with me, my man picked up on the feeling instantly, but adamantly denied it. In doing so, I cheated myself and my needs as is the pattern of late.

It was a weekday evening, and as usual, I put the kid to bed while my partner did school work. Resigning to leave him alone, I settled into TV program du jour. Due to problems with the school’s server, my partner made comment from across the room half in jest about being frustrated and deciding to look at porn instead. Now, in the past, I have not have a problem with him viewing porn as I was confident I was the only sex goddess around that mattered. On this particular evening, there was a sting I felt with his comment. A sting I ignored.

Upon walking past my partner towards our deck to take a cigarette break between segments of my show, I happened to glance at the computer and catch the images of naked women he was oogling. My heart sank immediately and my flesh burned to the core. I was instantly mad coupled with a sadness and feeling of inadequacy I hadn’t felt in years. I felt lower than I cared to admit for I was not desirable enough for him to oogle. I was not enough for him so that he had to seek out other means of arousal. I was thrown off my pedestal.

No longer was I sex goddess. I was merely wife, home-maker, mother. My appeal was lost. To worsen the situation, I was afraid to voice my feelings because I had stated different feelings about the matter in the past. When did my feelings change? How could I flip on him like that? What right did I have to ask him to meet his needs differently? Was I willing to live with the consequences of the outburst caused by such a burning intensity that was felt at the moment?

I did what women do all the time: I feigned ill and hormonal. Of course, being no simpleton, my partner did not argue with me, or push too hard, just noted a few times that my attitude drastically changed and it worried him. He knew when to let it go, thankfully. Yet, I know he knew I was lying.

It really did take some time to figure out where that burn was coming from and to sort out a way to fix it. Part of the particular subject is that he has not used pornography as means of arousal instead just prior foreplay. I understand this is what he was working up to, get hot and bothered by these images before having sex with me. I understand now that that is not acceptable to me because I am too vain and selfish.

I also understand that because of my new role, I do not feel quite as desirable as I once did. I need extra reassurance that I am still sex goddess. I have noticed that the seduction has decreased, the longing kisses are quick and his hands move to my nether regions almost instantly. The time spent in the arousal phase has decreased while my insecurity has increased.

I have spent so much time catering to his sexual needs and need to be reassured that I have forgotten mine. I can’t remember the last time he has stroked my ego before my vagina. I can’t recall when the last time he initiated the deed by seducing me. When he has come over to me and kissed me without having looked at porn first. This is what bothers me.

***This is a work in progress and has not yet been revised. Please forgive me for grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I just needed somewhere to store this. Thanks and Enjoy!***

I have decided that I will have to set the boundary in regards to this issue. I have not felt very sexual in the last month and only have acted on what I know will meet his needs. I am suffering from it. I am selfish, but because I’m worth it. In return for validating this he will be made a very happy man because I am also generous.

I anticipate the same issue in the near future…feeling the same burn, but this time, I intend to act on it. The goal will not to let emotion rule the action, but to simply express my feeling of non-desirability, my need for extra reassurance and the decision that I will not be the outlet for his porn inspired arousal. I do not share nor do I compete, not even with a picture or movie, so I won’t play. period.

I have focused so entirely and wholly on the needs of home and family that I forgotten about my own. I have realized quite openly that my adjustment is not flowing the way I’d hoped. As a matter of fact, I recognize that I am adapting rather poorly compared to the rest of my lot.