Would You Like #@^%* With That?

WOULD YOU LIKE *%$&@## WITH THAT?
By
DeBorn Luzer

I hate drive-through windows. I wish they had never been created because, whenever I think I’m in a hurry, I foolishly believe that they are faster than going inside. Even though I’ve had the same experiences over and over with them, I sometimes succumb and pull into line with all of the other suckers, only to sit and watch other customers drive up, park, go inside, get their take-outs, and drive away while I’m still waiting for my turn at the little speaker.

While I’m speaking of speakers (pun intended), where do they get those that they use in the drive-through? I have worked for years as an electronic tech and I’ve installed sound systems in lounges, paging systems in hospitals, and closed circuit t.v. systems in motels and doctor’s buildings. I’ve used high-dollar speakers, medium-dollar speakers, and even El Cheapo speakers for customers. I’ve never been able to find even one speaker, even one with holes in it, that sounds as bad as the ones in drive-throughs. Even the ones at the old drive-in movies that you hung in your window sounded many times better. There used to be a commercial on t.v. that showed a man driving through the window at a fast-food chicken place. All he could hear over the speaker was the sounds of chickens squawking and clucking, which he couldn’t understand at all. They all sound that way to me.

If I’m finally lucky enough to decipher the screeches and squawks when it’s my turn to order, I never can understand what they tell me the total cost comes to. This means that, when I get to the pick-up window, I won’t have the right money and will have to unbuckle my seat belt again and tug at my wallet, put my glasses back on, and find that the only bill I have is a twenty. This means that I will now have a bunch of ones and fives and a handful of change since I only needed ten cents more than I had out. I usually just lay my wallet and change over on the seat while I wait for my bag of food thinking that I will drive over to a parking spot and neatly put everything away and not hold up anyone behind me. At the exact same time that I give up waiting and decide to go ahead and put my money away is the same time that they begin to hand me my drink cup (filled too almost overflowing) and my bag. I make a complete mess of everything.

Once I’ve managed to stash everything and only spill just a little of the drink I usually pull out of the line and over into a parking space to put salt and pepper and other condiments on my burger, or whatever, only to find that there is nothing in the bag except my burger and fries. What do they expect you to do, carry salt and pepper and those little containers of ketchup and mustard in your car? Actually I do now. I even carry a roll of paper towels since they never remember the napkins, either.

I’ve just returned home from one of these wonderful adventures. I had been shopping at the grocery store and since the fast-food joint was next door I decided to give them another chance. There was only one car in the lane and it was at the speaker. “Wonderful”, I thought. “I should be in, and out of, here in five minutes”. I pulled up behind the car and got my wallet out because I already knew what I wanted. I sensed that something wasn’t right when I lit a cigarette and finished smoking it and the other car still hadn’t moved. I hadn’t even heard any clucking and squawking over the speaker, either. I turned the windshield washers on and washed my windshield, checked my oil, checked the air in the tires, and listened to the complete news report on the radio. Cars were lining up behind me and the car in front was just, at last, giving his order by yelling loudly into the squawking box. I pulled up as he pulled forward to the window and smoked another cigarette before the box finally squawked at me and I yelled back at it. When I pulled forward to the second window, as instructed, I was surprised that there were no other cars in front of me. What had been the holdup? I knew better than to ask because to do so would only delay things more. When I got home and removed my chicken nuggets I wasn’t surprised to find that there was no little cup of sauce to dip them in. Everybody knows that you don’t eat nuggets without sauce of some kind. Maybe that’s what the “squawk, screech, scratch, cluck” meant just as I was pulling away from the speaker.