Fern's Advice

Co-Winner for "The Dialogue 500" 
Prompt: You commune with nature, and are able to hear it just like Pocahauntus. You paint with all the colors of the wind, chatting away with the local flora and fauna.
Word Count: 334



“Good morning, Fern.”

“Yo, Pokey! Wassup, girl? You lookin’ hot today! Damn!”

“Oh, you’re always so kind. I’m looking for Raccoon. Have you seen him this morning already?”

“Girl, that fool be up all night. Doin’ it up wit dat Squirrel chick. Ain’t no way we gonna see that tail before noon.”

“I see.”

“What you want, girl? Maybe good ol’ Fern can help.”

“Actually, I really need a guy’s opinion on this.”

“Honey, I’ve been around the bush more times than I can shed my leaves. Anythin’ you need to know about guys, Fern can definitely help you.”

“Oh, okay. Well, you see, I want to give John Smith a present. Something…intimate. And I cannot decide which one of my two choices to give.”

“What two choices?”

“Um, boxers or briefs.”

“Word?”

“Yes.”

“Girl, why you gonna be askin’ Raccoon a question like that?”

“Well, I figured since he’s a guy, he’ll know what would suit, um, those parts better. You know, for comfort and all.”

“Listen ‘ere, honey child. Fern is definitely gonna be your resource on this matter.”

“Okay?”

“See, this is how you should think about it. When it comes time to doin’ the nasty, what you wanna be takin’ offa your man? Some’m clingy that you’d have to wriggle offa dat boney behind, or some’m that slides right off?”

“Well, I wasn’t quite thinking about the gift in that way.”

“Honey, I wasn’t planted yesterday. I know you got a sick mind under all that hair. Don’t think I don’t know about your li’l tumble in the teepee wit dat fine lookin’ village guard. Um-hmm.”

“Oh! I...didn’t realize that was public knowledge! Well, then, I guess I’ll have to choose…the one that slides right off?”

“Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. ‘Cause in those two minutes that your boy is givin’ you some lovin’, every second counts.”

“T-Two minutes?”

“Girl, I seen that white boy. Ain’t no way he gonna last more than two minutes…”