Romance 101

Romance 101

Any book mentioned here is completely fictional and any similarities to real books are purely coincidental.

“But Mommy, why do I have to be here?” A young boy with a shock of blond hair tugged on his mother’s hand and looked up at her pleadingly. “I wanna talk to Katie!”

His mother pulled him over to the side of the building and knelt down to his level. “Honey, Katie’s mad at you and – ”

“But why’s she mad at me? I didn’t do anything!”

“Timmy, you ripped her favorite doll’s arm,” she said patiently. “Of course she’s mad at you.”

“Can I see her? I don’t want her to be mad at me!” he whined.

She shook her head. “Maybe later, but not right now. Right now, you’re going to go into the library and you’re going to find yourself a book, okay? It doesn’t matter what book, just pick any one.” She stood up and patted his head. “You need to start reading more and stop playing with Katie so much.”

He pouted. “But I like playing with Katie.”

“I’m not saying you have to stop playing with her. But you can read more and play with her at the same time, right?”

He frowned. “Are you gonna be there too?”

“No, honey, I have to shop for Grandma’s birthday gift, so I’m going to leave you here.”

“But I’m too little!”

“You’re ten now, Timmy. I think you’re old enough.” She smiled. “Besides, Aunt Sophie will be there.”

His eyes lit up. “She will? Can we play games together?”

His mother laughed. “I know you like her but you can’t play with her, not in the library. She’s going to be working too. Remember what I said the library was?”

“Quiet and not noisy,” he recited.

“Right. So be a good boy for your aunt and I’ll come back in half an hour, okay?” He nodded and she kissed him on the forehead. “When I get back, I better see a book in your little hands.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

She gave a satisfied and loving smile before waving and heading towards the car.

He turned around and stared up at the huge building. What book was he going to get?

*~*

Ten minutes later, he was wandering down another aisle. His hopes of finding a random book to please his mother was dwindling down. He knew that grabbing a children’s book would not please her, so what was he going to get? He was only ten-years-old! Suddenly, a thin book with a reddish-pink binder caught his attention. It stood out among the other pale and dirty-looking books and out of curiosity, he grabbed a stool, climbed up on it, and picked it out.

He glanced at the title. Romance: How to Make Girls Happy. He tilted his head in confusion. Weren’t girls always happy? Why would people need to make them happy? Then he remembered his friend Katie who was currently mad at him for ripping her doll’s arm out. He hung his head in shame. He hadn’t meant to do it. He was only trying to get her attention and he just accidentally pulled too hard. Maybe he could use this book to be her friend again.

He hopped down from the stool and sat on it, opening it to a random page.

There were a bunch of words he didn’t really understand but he did see: Give her flowers. Any kind is fine because it’s the thought that counts.

Flowers? He thought back to his house. She lived next door and as far as he could remember, there weren’t any flowers anywhere that he could take. Sure, there were some around his neighborhood but they were on his neighbors’ property and his mom had told him never to take something that didn’t belong to him. So where could he find flowers?

He shrugged and looked down at the next line. Even weeds or dandelions will work since they are flowers. Now there was his answer. He closed the book and raced towards the librarian.

“Timmy!”

He snapped his head up to see his aunt’s disapproving look. “Hi, Aunt Sophie!” he chirped brightly.

“Timmy!” she scolded. “This is the library. Don’t forget to be quiet! Shh!” She held a slim finger up to her lips.

His eyes widened. “Sorry!” he whispered loudly.

She smiled and then seemed to notice the book in his hands. “Oh, you have a book, Timmy?”

“Yeah,” he said shyly, handing it to her. “I saw it and I thought it was interesting.”

She glanced at the title before chuckling. “Why do you need this book?”

“My friend’s mad at me and I want to be her friend again. Do you think that book can help me?”

“Um – ” She quickly flipped a few pages and scanned them, and when she finally seemed to be satisfied with it, she smiled. “I’m sure it’ll help you.” She scanned the book and then handed it back to him.

“What’s this?” he asked, taking hold of a slip of paper that stuck out from inside the book.

“Oh, that’s just gonna tell you when you have to give it back to me. Remember to give that to your mom, okay, Tim?”

“ ‘Kay.” He grinned cutely up at her before suddenly yawning.

“Are you tired?”

He nodded.

She took his hand and led him to a small room where there were couches and chairs. “You can sleep here until your mom comes, okay? I’ll tell her to come wake you up when she comes back.”

“Okay.” Within minutes of laying his head down against the soft cushions of the sofa, he had fallen asleep.

*~*

The next time he came to, he immediately felt the soft fabric of something covering him and he opened his eyes. Last time he checked, the sofa in the library did not have blankets. The first thing he noticed when he opened his eyes were the glow-in-the-dark stars pasted on his ceiling. That was his wallpaper. He was at home?

“Timmy, honey, come down now! It’s time to eat dinner!” his mother called.

Where was his book? He looked to the left to find it resting on top of his desk. He flipped out of his bed excitedly and opened to the first page. Flowers. That’s right. He raced downstairs and into the kitchen. “Mommy, I’ll be back in a second, okay?”

“Wait, where are you going?” she called but he had already run out the door.

Dandelions. He didn’t know what a weed was so he’d have to settle for dandelions. He had some in his backyard so he ran around trying to find the prettiest one. He finally found one in the corner of his backyard and picked it up, running immediately for Katie’s house. He hid his hand behind his back as he used his other hand to ring the doorbell. Within seconds, the door opened and Mrs. Amann was smiling down at him.

“Timmy, hello! Are you looking for Katie?”

He nodded excitedly. She smiled and called for her daughter, who arrived in the next minute with a sort of sullen expression on her face. She clutched tightly to her stuffed tiger under her arm.

“What, Timmy?”

He held out his hand with the dandelion between his fingers. “It’s for you,” he said plainly.

“It’s a dandelion.”

“I know.”

“We have lots in our backyard. Why are you giving me one?”

“I – I don’t know.”

She sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. “I already have lots in my backyard! I don’t need yours!” And with that, she closed the door on him, leaving him extremely confused. Had the book been wrong? He shrugged and decided to see what else it said.

Upon entering his house, his mom smiled at him. “Did you give something to Katie?”

“Yeah.”

“Did she like it? What did you give her?”

“I gave her a dandelion. She didn’t like it,” he said sadly.

His mother chuckled. “Why did you give her that?”

“A book told me to.”

“Ah, the one you took from the library?”

“Yeah.” He paused before looking up at her. “Mommy, what’s romance?”

She was trying hard not to burst out laughing. “Where’d you see that, sweetie?”

“It was on the book.” He was confused. Why was his mommy laughing?

“Oh. Well, it’s what happens when a girl and a boy really like each other a lot.”

“I like Katie a lot,” he offered. “That’s why I play with her all the time.”

She smiled and came over to pat him on the head. “Well, it’s not quite like that.”

He was confused. “Then what is it like?”

She ruffled his hair and pushed him towards the dinner table. “Never mind. Maybe you’ll learn when you’re older. You just eat right now.”

*~*

Give her a stuffed animal. This is a given. All girls like to receive stuffed animals, no matter what kind they are.

He immediately thought of an old teddy bear he had been meaning to get rid of sometime. It was dirty brown and looked ragged from being held too long. He could give her that. It was the only stuffed animal in the house.

Twenty minutes later, after searching his basement for it and showing up at her house again, she had once again slammed the door in his face, yelling at him about how he had the guts to rip her doll’s arm and then show up at her house with a weed and then a dirty stuffed animal.

This went on for a day. All of his attempts had failed, much to his confusion and frustration. What kind of book was it if it was wrong all the time? Still, he felt it was better than nothing and continued to try.

*~*

Hug her tightly. This way you’ll let her know you appreciate her a lot.

“Augh!” she screamed when he crept up from behind her and squeezed her tightly, just like the book had told him. She squirmed around and violently pushed him away, causing him to fall flat on his butt. “What are you trying to do, kill me?” she shrieked.

*~*

Compliment her. You can’t go wrong with that. Tell her that her butt looks nice. Girls like compliments on their body parts.

“What are you talking about, you idiot?” she yelled. Tears were starting to pour out of her eyes as she glared at him. “I hate you, Timmy! I hate you and I don’t ever want to talk to you again!”

He was shocked. He hadn’t tried to make her cry. Why was everything going wrong? “Katie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“Then why did you say it?”

He didn’t know what to say. What, a book told him to say it?

“You’re a jerk, Timmy,” she said, running into her house.

*~*

If none of the above works with her, then show her this book and tell her it wasn’t your fault. Tell her you were using this book to try to make you happy.

He peeked out the window and spotted her playing in her backyard with her jump rope. He grabbed the book and raced outside, slowing to a stop outside the gate to her backyard. He hesitantly pushed open the door and she spotted him, stopping her activity.

“What, Timmy?” she glared, holding onto her jump rope tightly in one hand.

“I just wanna say I’m sorry.” When she didn’t say anything, he said quickly, “It wasn’t my fault! Really! I was just doing what the book said.”

“What! What book?”

He held out the thin red book. “This one.”

She grabbed it out of his hand and glanced at the cover. “You’re really an idiot, Timmy. First you ripped my doll’s arm and then ran away and didn’t even apologize! Actually, you still haven’t apologized! And now you think you can make me happy by using a stupid old book on me?” She threw the book on the ground. “Do I look like I’m four? I’m not stupid Timmy!” She stuck her tongue out at him before running off once again.

“Wait! Katie!” he called after her. “I really am sorry! I just want to be your friend again!”

After all his time spent reading the book to try to cheer her up, there was just one important line at the end of the blurb on the back of the book that Timmy had just seemed to miss:

Warning! This book is just a joke by someone who wanted to make some money! Do not try this with someone you actually care about because you will seriously end up pissing them off!