Assumptions

Assumptions

The minute I walked in the door I knew I was in a shit load of trouble. This was not the place for me. I didn’t belong here….not with these people. I was the outsider…always was. 25 years and nothing had changed in that respect if anything I belonged with them even less than before.

This was Kasey’s fault and by God she’d pay for it. Why couldn’t she mind her own God Damn business? “Oh, Chuck, you’re just being silly. You have lots to be proud of. You can go to you high school reunion and hold your head up high.” And now here I was trapped and no way out.

I sat in the parking lot for a good 30 minutes …maybe even longer moving between trying to get up the courage to go in, thinking of an excuse not to and trying to decide if I could pull off lying to Kasey and convincing her that I went and had a good time. Every time I told myself I could get away with it with Kasey I remembered that she knew me too well and would spot it. Besides, she’d be expecting something like that.

Two options left….go in or go home. Maybe I just got tired of sitting there in the car. Maybe it was the heat or maybe I had a burst of adulthood, but at some point I ended up walking into the country club. I was thinking about how I never really knew any of the kids in school…how quiet I was. I was actually beginning to believe that maybe no one would remember me…wouldn’t that be grand?

“Chuck, I saw your name on the list. Gee it’s good to see you.”

Gina….Gina Gizmondi, one of the most popular girls in school. I actually looked behind me to see if she was talking to another “Chuck”. She scooped me up like some waif sorely in need of attention and before I knew it we were at the registration table.

“This is Chuck Honse; one of our more avant garde alumni she explained to no one in particular as she found my name tag and gingerly placed it on my lapel. I looked into her eyes to see what might be behind that remark and found only the sweet innocence that seemed not to have changed in her in spite of all those years for she was popular because she was a truly nice person, not for any of the bullshit reasons that kids sometimes land on the top of the pile.

I was feeling better. It might be O.K after all. Could that be possible?

Of course it was time for the group photo because I was in the parking lot for so long. It was the usual thing of bunching people together….guys in the front down on one knee so as not to block those behind them. Somehow I ended up in the front and another piece of luck right beside Jon Carom. He was a basketball player. Very popular and yet he had the time to talk to someone like me, a no one. He was always very nice to me.

“It’s Honse isn’t it?” Jon caught me off guard by remembering my last name.

“Yes, Jon”

“Ok, a little closer together now” the photographer barked

“What is your first name again?” Jon asked

“Well, it’s Chuck, but I’m surprised you’d remember my last name an not the first”

“Ok, now get ready everyone when I say…..

“I guess it’s because I’ve seen it in print or on TV so many times, especially lately”, Jon added

“ALRIGHT, SAY CHEESE!!”

Now, cameras and I have had a long standing feud going on since that one on the bearskin rug, but this one really was amazing. It sort of looked like an Alien had come to Earth and someone gave him a peanut butter and onion sandwich topped with lemon and he wasn’t sure if it was some delicacy or not and so he was trying to eat it anyway.

So much for escaping un-noticed…

They had seen Gay Lesbian activist stuff or maybe the AIDS organization things. Well it was there in the Bio that I’d filled out and sent in. That was one thing, but I guess they’d seen it on TV or in the papers.

It was going to be a long night.

The less said about dinner the better. How I ate I have no idea. Hollywood’s central casting could not have come up with a less likely table than ours.

Me, the “out “ activist who was so far “in” while in high school that even I was clueless.
Sitting across from me was Bob, a Catholic priest, whom I’d seen on more than one occasion in a Gay bar. Well, at least I was no longer the most uncomfortable one in the room anymore….poor Bob. Beside him was Sofia who was one of the biggest gossips in high school. I could see that she was ready to explode with excitement. You could see it on her face that she couldn’t wait to tell this one in the morning. And then there was Eleanor…

She had been married and was now divorced. She had clearly had a crush on me in high school and it was rearing its improbable head, again…early on…right after the salad. I thought Sofia was going to start taking notes.

I guess Eleanor didn’t watch the news a lot.

It was after dinner and during my second dance with Eleanor while I was contemplating just exactly how I was going to disengage myself from her when I notice Steve for the first time.

Steve was a football star in high school and a class officer. He was the kicker and we won 5 games our senior year by one point. Everyone loved Steve…everyone. I was always very nervous around him and kept my distance as much as possible.

Steve was standing talking to a group of other jocks and it became more and more clear to me that he was not only looking at me but he was talking about me. My worst fears were being realized. I was about to have a problem. Eleanor was going on and on and I was starting to sweat big time. Every time I looked over at him he was starring at me and he was not smiling. Eleanor excused herself and went to the rest room and Steve made his move.

I wasn’t surprised by it and I just wanted to get it over with. I figured let him kick my ass and at least I’d be out of there. I’d taken a beating before and with any luck someone would stop it before I got killed.

I wasn’t too sure of that when I saw how determined he marched toward me as if he had been planning it for some time and had waited for that window of opportunity. Maybe he didn’t want to get blood on Eleanor.

He came right up to me. I stood my ground, not out of bravery, but out of a sense of inevitability.

“Do you remember me”? His jaw was locked tight…rock solid. The years had been kind to him. He was in great shape. I remember thinking that he had me by a good 60 pounds and his fat percentage was much lower than mine. He was bigger and stronger than in high school….

“Yes, Steve”

And then it came….I saw his hand move and it was like slow motion.

I was already feeling the punch. I made no useless move to defend myself from this man. His hand came up and gently landed on my shoulder.

I believe I would have fallen if he did not have a firm grip on me.

“I am so glad to see you, Chuck. I was so happy when I saw your name on the list”.

I probably had that peanut butter and onion sandwich look on my face again.

“I have to talk to you…..do you have time?” I noticed that this big man’s eyes were filling with tears. I was in shock and yet the tears were bringing me back somewhat. Just then Gina came over.

“This is good. If you have time, Chuck he really needs to talk to you”.

Gina’s, uncle worked there and she led Steve and me to a small office and shut us in.

“My baby brother is dead. He died of AIDS. No one in the family spoke to him the last two years of his life. I hate the world and everyone in it. My marriage is falling apart. I might lose my job. I want to die”

Steve broke down and cried. It was frightening to see the big man crumble like broken toy.

He leaned on me hard and heavy and somehow I held his substantial weight. It didn’t last long, but long enough for me to get past the shock of it all and think it through a little. Thank God I have always been good in a crisis….lots of practice. When I felt it start to subside I pulled him down on the sofa. I knew what might help. I thought he was ready…he seemed to be hurting plenty enough to be willing to try.

“Did you see your brother toward the end” I asked

“Yes, he lived with us the last 6 months. I just don’t know what to do. I am so lost.”

“Steve, even though the rest of your family were assholes; he was lucky because he had you. Some people have no one….no one at all. We are lucky because we have the AIDS task force in Pittsburgh that has a buddy system that assigns people to those who have no one. Well actually, Steve, we’re not lucky, we made it happen and you could do the same thing here. Sometimes when we don’t know what to do just reaching out and helping someone else is enough. It might make you feel better… it couldn’t hurt….at least it’s something, Steve.” I ventured.

Yep….it’s like that old saying…you could almost see the light bulb turn on above his head. I know that the lights came back on in his eyes, maybe for the first time in a long while.

10 months later Steve became the first President of the brand new AIDS Task Force in his county. He looked so much better at the next reunion.

And as for me…well, I made an assumption that day when I thought Steve was going to hit me. It was based on who I thought Steve was. I had sold him short. I had my preconceived notions and prejudices about guys like Steve and for that was wrong. It led me to the wrong conclusion. I mistook his misery for hatred.

ASSUME…. to make an ASS of U and ME

I still forget that one sometimes.


3/2/06