Still Love Him

I still love him, becasue I can never stop. I know that for sure. I know that he will always love me too, we just got some issues to work through. But before last night I never thought that I could leave him. Never thought he would hurt me like he did, I was up till 4 sobbing. Alone, heart breaking. Holding my belly, that houses our baby. I just cried. I couldn't believe I was contemplateing being without him. But I did so much last night. From every where deep inside of me I ment it. I saw our final ending for the first time. Yet I still love him.
I can't be his wife everyday withoug getting visions, of him being satisfied by another woman. In this house. In this bed that we share. I can't take it emotionlly. It's just too much for me. It's heart wrenching, the thought of being without my family. But I can't just can't live with vivid images like that, and uneasy feelings. I can forgive him. But never forget. Forgiveness is to me, never bringing the fault to subjuect again. I can accept that. But I can not give freely of my dissregarded heart that I gave so loyally before. Not yet. In our worst of times I never imagined it would be like this. Never once crossed my mind, that I would ever want to stop loveing him. But I do. This reality is killing me. I'm a woman that will always be willing to give 110%. But right now I have to go, I have to walk away, to find forgiveness. And though I'm painfully disgusted, I still love him.