The End of the Matter

The End of the Matter

“Give it back! Give it back!” I had foolishly thought I could get away with it, but she had caught me yet again. I had been so careful, I had treated it with such deference, I truly thought she would allow me to do it this time.

“You give it back now!” She was getting more raucous and I knew I was going to have to relinquish my prize before she heralded my betrayal to everybody around. I passed it back to her, silently vowing to renew my assault. One day, one day, I knew I would be able to get it. I dropped it sullenly, without looking at her and left to lick my wounds. I wondered if anyone would understand my yearning, my utter desperation to get to it. It was starting to consume me, it was constantly at the forefront of my mind. Everything I did was with this one thing in mind. All our time together was coloured with my scheming just to have it for a while, not forever but just for a while. This time I was beaten. I couldn’t afford for everyone to know, I slunk off to indulge in self-pity and plan the next round. She stood triumphantly in my path, her eyes glinting with the victory achieved, the tears miraculously cleared.

I lay back on the bed and looked at the one that had been given to me. It was OK, but it was nothing like hers. Hers was the prize, hers was so soft, hers was so yellow, hers even smelt better. I didn’t want this one, I never wanted this one, but she had chosen first, so I was left with it. I could have screamed with the total injustice of it all, but stopped. No point. Nobody could know, this was my battle and I would only win on my own. I swallowed deeply, ready to face the rest of them, ready to face her gloating.

The kitchen was the centre of our home, everyone started there each morning and everyone finished there at night. This time, the kitchen was quiet. She sat at the table, grasping her prize, which she pulled in toward her chest as I drew nearer. She yelped and ran for protection as if I had been an attacker intent on her destruction. Mum spun around, yelled and sent me back up the stairs, her voice ringing in my ears.

“Stop fighting with her – leave her alone will you?” I was always being screamed at: by her and by Mum. It didn’t matter; it was always the same. She was constantly against me, she didn’t understand. I just wanted one the same, that’s all. I just wanted to make her realise, but I just couldn't seem to get through, no matter how I tried. Mum just thought it was dirty and smelly, all she ever wanted was to wash it or throw it away. I cared little for that – I just wanted it, that’s all I knew. She had it and I wanted it. I loved it’s smell; I loved the stale, dank dust that erupted when it was touched; I loved its crusty surface; and I wanted it. But instead I had to have the pink one, the one without the smell, the one that smelt sweet. The one that didn't have the dust. She kept hers close, afraid that I might win the prize. I left mine on display, hoping she might take mine. She never did.

The car door opened, bringing me back to present reality and I reached out to steady my walk through the street and into the building. Today was the end of my life; yesterday had been the end of hers. I stuttered into the stuffy little building and was met by a man as grey and dark as his profession. He droned phrases and looked at me expectantly.

“I’m ready” and I folded my fingers firmly into my palms as he opened the door. As I stepped through the gap, I saw it – it was there for the taking, the yellow one, the soft one, the one she had had for her entire life. I reached forward, just to stroke it for a moment, but couldn’t stop myself. I picked it up and held it close. Very quickly, I dropped it and grey man reached down to put it back with her. It wasn’t soft any longer, nor did it smell sweet and it looked …. It looked so … odd; so strange and yes, dirty! I no longer wanted it – the memory had been ripped away by reality. No wonder Mum had always wanted to wash it. No wonder nobody ever knew why I wanted it so. In all that time, I never noticed just how bad that thing looked to everyone else!