A Caterpillar Into Butterfly

It was Friday at 2:55 P.M. and Christopher could not wait for the school bell to ring, which would be in five minutes. It seemed like a lifetime. He could not wait to get out so he could get into the mid-summer sun; plus it would be the last time he would be going to high school. He hoped that he would not run into Chuck and D.J. the school thugs, like so many other times. Today was his lucky day because just as they came out of the school, a teacher called them back inside. Christopher decided that this would be a good time to rush out and get home before he ran into them; that way he could have time for Rusty the family dog and himself. He was planning to take Rusty somewhere they could play and just chill out for a while. When he was outside with Rusty, he was thinking about going to a new area of the city that he had never been to before. Now that he had turned 18, he could get into bars. He did not even think that a place like the gay village was real, or if it was even possible for him to be a part of it. This was why he wanted time for himself; he needed to think it over some more.

That Saturday Christopher slept in even later than normal, but when he got up, he went to the closet. When he looked in, he thought aloud “not a damn thing!” It was a good time to go shopping. He checked his bankbook and the balance read $450.00. He threw on an old pair of jeans, a shirt, ran down the stairs and grabbed a bite to eat as he went out the door. When he got outside, he put on his roller blades and headed downtown. He was going so fast that everything was a gray blur as he passed along the busy streets. It seemed like he flew, because he was there in no time at all. Now that he was downtown, what shop would he go to? He debated between “The Guy Shop” or the “Bodywear” but in the end, he went to “Bodywear.” The only reason he chose this store was because of the Rainbow sticker that was being placed in the window as he turned his head towards it. It seemed like some kind of omen to him. He now felt, as far as the outfit went, that he would probably fit in. He was in the store for a long time but in the end, he picked out a pair of black casual pants and a light blue tight fitting long sleeve t-shirt. As an afterthought, he went and got his hair cut. He said to himself, “Might as well get it all done.” After the trip downtown plus all the stuff he had done, he thought that he had earned lunch and a smart cocktail on some patio. This way he could catch a few more rays of sunshine. He thought a bit more colour in his cheeks would not be a bad thing; it would give him a bit more confidence if nothing else.

On his way home he moved a bit slower, the reason being that he did not want to get home too fast because then he would need to kill a lot more nervous hours that still awaited him. As he was rolling home, he passed a drug store and decided to go in and pick up all the other stuff that he would need for a hot night on the town, if he could call it that; he wanted to look presentable at least, and to be will to play safe.

When Christopher reached home, it was supper time. His mom asked if he was going to eat with her and dad; he replied “yep.” He sat down and proceeded to eat his supper in complete silence because he still had 240 long minutes to go and he needed every second of them. While he was in front of the mirror, he practised what he might say to someone who would come and talk to him; even if he felt that it would not happen, he wanted to be ready. He said to himself “You never know.” He felt he was well dressed, groomed, and ready to take on this new adventure.

As Christopher went out the door his mom asked, “Where are you going?” and he replied, “Out, why?” She told him “No reason, but I am still your mother and I care, that’s all.” Christopher found his mom’s statement very strange. It had been a very long time since she had asked him any kind of question like this. It played on his mind for a while; he even wondered if his mom knew what he was up to. After a while, he decided to put it out of his mind and think about what awaited him.

Now that the village was getting near, he wondered if it was worth all that trouble he had been going through. In his mind he told himself “Damn, yes it is worth it!” The worst thing that could happen would be losing his nerve and just walking straight through. However, he felt that he needed a drink and a shot to have his plan become a reality. After this he would walk to the very first club he would see; this thought made him anxious, but he felt that the likelihood that he would know anyone there would be very remote but a small part of him hoped that this was not the case.

As he took a step over the invisible line that divided the two worlds just as he was about to go onto a club, he literally ran into another man going in. This attractive man in his cowboy boots, leather pants, sweater, and tattoo felt so bad for the accident that he offered to buy Christopher a drink. They walked over to the bar and sat on a couple of stools. As they were being served their drinks, the man introduced himself to Christopher, “Hi, my name is Kevin.” They shook hands, and Kevin said, “This is all new to you, right?” All of Christopher’s hard work to try and not look like this was his first time in a gay environment went right out the window. That was helpful because he did not have to play a charade. Deep down he was feeling uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. He was scared but also felt the warmth of the community and it was happening all at the same time, which was a lot for anyone to deal with.

Now that he had a drink and was not as tense, he was beginning to look around the club to see all the eye candy, which he found fascinating. There was old disco music playing loudly at the back of the club, there was soft lighting, and there were people of all ages and genders. Christopher thought to himself that all these individuals were bonded together by the fact the love they felt was an unconventional love to some people. Then he noticed that all the bartenders were shirtless and wore tight shorts that were revealing in the front and back. He said to himself that if this was what the clubs were like, it was worth checking out other bars. This was a brand new day and it was going pretty damn good so far. With that said, Christopher ordered two more drinks. After chatting with Kevin for a while, Christopher glanced at his watch and he realized that two and half hours had gone by. He decided that he would call it a night and that weekend he would check out a couple more clubs because this was a great experience. Despite all of his fears, he felt that he had finally found a corner of the world that he could explore and be a part of. This new outlook on life made Christopher decide that he would be called Chris because it was a new beginning. As Christopher finished his drink, he began to say good night and all the usual stuff one says when leaving someone you just met. But just before Christopher knew what was happening, Kevin handed him a piece of paper as he stood to give him a hug.

As he was strolling home, he began to think about all the things he had seen, heard, and felt at the club. He was able to recall the people, and the bartenders and their unique style of dress were the highlight of his thoughts. But what truly put a smile on his face was the fact that he met Kevin, and he had his number. Then as he was drifting off to sleep, his final thought was “I can fit in after all.”

Half way through the week Christopher decided that he would give Kevin a call on Thursday to see if he wanted to go out on Friday night for a few drinks. As Thursday rolled around, he called Kevin to arrange, for the next night, to meet at one of the bars in the gay village. However, Kevin said to Christopher, “Why don’t we spend the day together?” Christopher said, “It sounds great, let’s do that.” Kevin told Christopher to give him a call at 11:00 a.m. Christopher said, “Will do and have a great night.” With that said, they hung up.

It was almost 11 a.m. on Friday and Christopher was beginning to get a bit antsy because he would be calling Kevin and he hoped that he would not back out on him; he was really looking forward to this time with him and being in the village once again. Christopher dialed the number “Hello.” “Hi Kevin, it’s Christopher; how are you doing?” “Not bad.” Christopher then asked, “Are we still on for today?” “Yes, if you want to.” Christopher then asked, “Where should we meet?” “How about at Proud Queen’s Café?” It’s right next to the club we met at last weekend.” Christopher said, “See you there” and headed out the door.

When they met at Proud Queen’s Café, Kevin asked him if he was hungry and Christopher replied, “Somewhat.” So they walked over one block to a restaurant called Lavender Circle. When they got inside, they took their seats at one of the round tables. Christopher noticed that there was a blue tablecloth, red place mats, linen napkins and lavender-coloured table. In the middle of the table, there were some fresh sprigs of lavender and two candles. Christopher thought it was comfortable being here in this restaurant. Then the “waitress” came over and asked if they needed menus, but when the “waitress” spoke, Christopher realized the waitress was a waiter. After the waiter had given them their menus, Kevin and Christopher looked at them. Then someone from behind the bar came over and asked if they would like to order something to drink. While they had a looked at the menus, but before either one answered Christopher looked at Kevin and raised his eyebrows because the waiter was in a leather vest and pants, boots, and he was a mountain of muscles. Kevin knew that Christopher was taken with this man. Now that Christopher had had an eyeful of the new sights, they decided to order their lunch. As they waited for their meal, they killed the time by making small talk. This is when Christopher got a chance to get a good look at Kevin. Kevin stood about 6’3, and weighed about 170. He had wavy blond hair, trusting, soulful blue eyes, and under his right eye, there was a red teardrop-shaped beauty mark. When Christopher looked at Kevin, his new friend seemed to be a gentle soul but when he stood beside him, he could feel Kevin’s inner strength. This made Christopher feel safe. Christopher was beginning to feel like a kid in a very big candy store for the first time. As they finished eating, Kevin asked Christopher “Do you have room for coffee and dessert?” Christopher replied, “I do.” So they got up, and headed for the next destination. At this point Kevin said jokingly, “I should have a car and microphone so I can point out the different places of interest to you.”

After walking for 15 minutes, they arrived at a coffee shop, and Kevin told Christopher to wait outside and he would go in and get the coffee and dessert. They decided to sit outside the coffee shop. While they were sitting, Christopher started to ask Kevin some questions so he could get to know him better. The first question was “I would like you to call me Chris for now on, is that ok?” Kevin replied “Sure thing.” Chris then asked him what kind of work he did.” Kevin replied, “I am a male stipper.” That statement took Chris back a bit. They finished their coffee and dessert and Kevin said, “I am just going to the store next door.” After a few minutes, Chris saw Chuck and D.J. walking towards him and he said to himself, “Damn.” Kevin was inside the shop, and Chris was not going to stand there while those two despicable characters advanced. Chris did not want to deal with them at this moment so he turned around entered the store where Kevin was buying a t-shirt. Kevin asked, “What size?” Chris said, “Extra-large.” Kevin told Chris, “This is for you because you are at a stage in your life that might be hard as hell, but this will be a reminder that you have begun to be your true self.” When Kevin and Chris came out of the store, they ran right into Chuck and D.J. who were saying things like “Watch it faggot!” They glared at Chris, and out of nowhere, they go flying back from the punches Kevin had landed on them. Then Kevin took Chris’s hand and they went on their way and picked up the conversation where they left off. Kevin later told Chris that people like those two assholes were not worth it. However, most of the time, you could just pay them no mind; even if it hurts, do not let them see it. If you pay no attention, they are the ones that look like the morons, not you.

It was three in the afternoon and they decided to go and have a drink somewhere, but because they had the whole day, they just walked along until they were in front of a bar. Kevin said they should go in and look around because he had not been in here before and he would like to look around. When they walked in Kevin said, “Let’s sit by the window.” Just as they were beginning to look around a person came over to see what they would like to drink. They both ordered red wine. As they were sitting there they both thought that this bar was a bit too much for them, it was very scruffy for them and it made them feel very uncomfortable just sitting there having their drinks. Kevin turned and said to Chris “When we have fished our drinks let’s get out of here. This place looks like we got into a time machine and we came out in New York on June 27, 1969, it feels very militant in here and all the patrons are ready for a fight.” Chris asked, Why is that date so important?” “ That was the night of the “Stonewall,” and that is why some places will have celebrated Gay Pride, is because of that night.” Then a few minutes later Kevin said, “After we finish these drinks let’s go to my place.”

When they arrived at Kevin’s, he told Chris to make himself at home. As Chris was looking around the apartment, he noticed some photos of Kevin on the wall, which showed him in his dancing outfits and under each one, had these words “White Lightning, he is smooth but powerful and watch out for his thunder bolt. This gave Chris an even better look at what Kevin really looked like. A couple of minutes later Kevin came back to the living room and handed Chris a glass of wine. Kevin said, “Salut” as they touched glasses. Kevin turned on the stereo, which was playing easy listening music. As they sat down, Chris noticed that things had changed; he took a deep breath and let it slowly out. Then he took a big gulp of his wine.

At this point, Kevin realized that Chris had an empty glass; he asked if Chris would like a refill, He replied “Sure.” Then he passed the glass to Kevin, but when Kevin reached for the glass, his hand lightly brushed over Chris’ hand. Kevin wanted to see what kind of response he would get. They began to make small talk, for which Chris was grateful. Kevin asked Chris what were his plans for the summer.

About half way through the conversation, Kevin reached over for the bottle and poured Chris a very generous glass. As he passed it to Chris, Kevin looked right into Chris’ eyes deeply and held that look for a moment. As Chris took the glass by the bowl, Kevin put his hand over Chris’s hand and slowly slid his hand down to the stem of the glass where their hands met. This was something new to Chris and he was not too sure how to respond. So Chris decided to go with the flow, and if Chris was right about where things were leading, he was getting a bit uncomfortable again, with the situation, but before it went any further, he needed to have one good strong drink. Chris then asked if Kevin had anything stronger to drink, and he said sure. Kevin got up, went to the kitchen, and came back with two shot glasses filled with a clear liquid. As he passed one to Chris, he said, “Bottoms up” With that, they both downed drinks. When they had finished their drinks, Chris said, “It has one hell of a kick.” As Chris was saying that, Kevin took the shot glasses and placed them on the table. As Kevin was sitting back, he also moved a bit closer to Chris; this simple act confirmed what Chris had felt earlier. At this time, Chris could sense that emotions were beginning to get very intense. He decided to make the next move. Chris put out his hand and placed it on Kevin’s knee. In turn, Kevin sat back as he slid down a bit on the sofa. This was an indication to Chris that he had done the right thing. Chris felt relieved that he had not made an error in judgment. After a few silent moments, which felt like a lifetime to Chris, Kevin took hold of Chris’ hand and led him to the bedroom. When Kevin got Chris just inside the door he turned and gave him a long, tender, passionate kiss. Kevin picked up Chris and carried him over to the bed where he gently placed Chris. For the rest of the night Kevin made passionate love to Chris.

As dawn began, Chris came to realize that the day he had spent with Kevin was a great adventure; the night he had with him enriched his life in many ways. The whole experience had given Chris confirmation that he was gay. Chris thought to himself “This was the easy part, but what really terrifies him is knowing that the hard part will be telling his mother and father.” He would need to talk with them about this topic of great significance; at the same time he knows it’s one hell of a topic he will be dropping on to their laps. He felt that if he is to have a true relationship with them they need to know who the true Chris is, not just the one they see, especially now that he knows who he truly is.

During the next seven days, Chris tries to think of what, and when, he will say to his parents about him being gay. He won’t tell them on Sunday because they will be going to their local catholic church. He decided that he would tell them on a Wednesday evening because this is their family night.

When Sunday midday rolled around, Chris phoned Kevin to see if they could get together on Monday. Chris dialed Kevin’s number and he heard “Hello.” “Hi it’s Chris” “Then Kevin asked how you are holding up?” and the reply he got was “Do you really need to ask?” Kevin then said, “It’s that bad, huh?” “I feel like this weekend will never end” Then Kevin asked what his plans were for Monday. “I do not have any”. Kevin in turn said, “Why don’t you come here for dinner, a few drinks and we would watch a movie?” Chris said, “Sure, it sounds good to me.” Kevin also said, “If you want to you can even spend the night in the spare bedroom.” Chris said, “That sounds like a great plan and it would give me a break from being home with my mom and dad.”

When Monday rolled around, Chris gave Kevin a call to see if the plan was a go. Sure enough it was. Kevin told Chris to be at his place around 7:00. Chris said, “Perfect.”

Chris thought he would need to do some laundry and that would allow him to kill about three hours; at the same time, he could shower and shave. So he went to his bedroom and began to look for his sexy underwear and the new outfit that he bought the first time he went to the village. As he was getting into the shower, he realized that he would need to be out the door by 5:30 to make it to Kevin’s for 7:00.

When Chris got to Kevin’s, it was 7:15 and Chris said he was sorry for being late. Kevin said, “No problem.” and handed him a glass of wine, and told him to have a seat. Chris decided to sit on the loveseat in hopes that Kevin would come and sit by him. While Chris sat, Kevin was doing something in the kitchen; Chris saw that the table was set with Kevin’s best dishes and glassware; there were also flowers and candles. Chris thought that Kevin was planning a romantic evening; he was pleased with that.

As Kevin came into the living room he said,” Dinner is ready. I hope you like duck?” “I love duck, especially when I am eating with someone special.” Chris said that to show he had noticed all the work that went to make this a special evening. When the dinner was on the table, Kevin walked over to where his companion was sitting and put out his hand. Chris took it then stood up. Kevin gave him a soft and passionate kiss. After the kiss, he led Chris to the table; when they got there, they let go of each other’s hand and sat down. While they were eating, Kevin kept looking deeply into Chris eyes. While their eat dinner Kevin was silent which was one way that Kevin felt he could give support to this trouble youth. This would also give Chris an opportunity to use Kevin as a soundboard, which he hoped would allow Chris to unload some of the weight that he had on his chest. It may even help him to clarify some of the stuff that he had twisting in his mind. Kevin wanted this evening to be all about this.

When they were finishing their after dinner drinks Kevin got up and came back with a box of DVDs and Chris did not have one iota of the titles, but he had the idea that they would have a gay theme to them. So when Kevin said,” Which one should I throw on?” Chris said,” It’s up to you.” With that said, Kevin reached in the box and with in a second his hand comes out of the box. He says I think you will like this one it’s called “Birdcage”. It is very funny. While they were watching the movie, they sat on the loveseat and they cuddled under a rainbow flag quilt that was hand made by Dawn who was a tranny that Kevin was really close with before she died.

About half way through the movie Chris told Kevin that he had to agree with the fact that the movie was hilarious. Kevin was glad to hear this because it gave him the clue that everything he had planned this evening was worthwhile because he remembered how he felt the last few days before he was going to tell his family that he was gay. He was a nervous wreck. However, he was one of the lucky ones because he had an Aunt May.

Around the last half hour of the movie, Chris began to get tired. This was an indication of two things; the first was that he was able to depressurize and that Kevin needed to get things ready for bedtime. But, the night would not be the way Chris though it would be because Kevin had another idea. Yes, they would sleep in the same bed but that would be it. They would just hold each other until a new dawn had risen. Plus Kevin had a special letter for Chris to take with him.

As the movie ended, Kevin got up and took out the movie, then went to the bedroom to get it ready so they could go to sleep. Kevin put on some soft music, lit some candles, and put out the lights. He got a silk robe for Chris to wear. He also got the stuff for the aromatherapy. After all this, he went out to the living room where Chris was beginning to just fall asleep. Kevin went to Chris, took his hand and led him to the bedroom and proceeded to undress him and then put the silk rob on him. Then he put him in to bed. Then Kevin got himself ready for bed. When he got into bed with Chris, he put his arms around him and told him to close his eyes and have sweet dreams. However, this was very confusing for Chris because he thought that more would be happening. Chris asked Kevin that is it, nothing more. Kevin replied, “That is it. I believe that you need TLC more. If I did more I would be misleading you”. Chris closed his eyes and thought about what Kevin had said. While this was playing on his mind, he drifted off to sleep.

Chris woke up to the smell of fresh bread, coffee and other food being made. He got out of the bed and tried his best to make himself look half decent before he would go and join Kevin for breakfast. Kevin asked, “How did you sleep. “Like a baby” Kevin said, “I’m glad to hear that. “You hungry?” Kevin said, “I would need to leave in an hour for rehearsal”. Chris said, “That is fine.” Kevin said, “I have something for you, but I want you to find a place in a park, in the sun, and read this letter.

As Chris left Kevin’s place he did what Kevin hand asked him to do. He sat there for five minutes just looking at the fold pieces of paper. He thought, hell I might as well get this over with. He unfolded the paper and he read.

Dear Sweet Chris;

I hope this letter will be of some benefit to you while you are planning when and how you will tell your parents about being gay. I know that you are scared to death by the whole thing. But in the long run, it’s the best thing to do.

No matter how it turns out, I want you to know that I am here for you and if need be you can come and stay here. I have a spare bedroom.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is why and why now are you coming out to your parents. The answer must be that you do not want to hide your sexuality, and you want to be honest with them about who you truly are. If you’re comfortable with these reasons, then it’s a good thing for you to do.

When you have it all worked out, the next thing you need to think about is what you will say to them. I have two pieces of advice for you. The first is to personalize what you will tell them. For example, tell your parents that they have raised you to be honest, to have good character, to be able to receive and give love. You hope that they know you love them and are not doing this to hurt them. What you are about to share with them is a very important part of who you are. You hope you will still be accepted as part of the family. The reason I have said all of this is that it may soften the blow when you say the words “I am gay.” The second reason is that they may be in shock and they won’t hear anything else after you speak.

You will also need to keep in mind that this is a step-by-step process. It may be a hell of a long process, but you have begun. Your parents need to digest this important information. Remember you were born gay, but it has taken you 18 years to realize why you were so different from other boys.

The fact that your parents are ultra-religious makes this harder. They may begin to quote the bible or drag you to see a priest and so forth. Yes, they may even have a religious meltdown or they could just turn their backs on you. If that happens, you have me on your side, and a place to stay.

One last thing for you to think about you should count on zero support from your parents emotionally or in any other way. You should do everything in your power to get their support, but don’t assume it’s going to be there. It will take a lot of time and effort from everyone. On the other hand, they may surprise you and be there for you.

With all my heart, I hope it goes well.
From your true friend Kevin.

This letter gave Chris a lot to think about and he still was going to tell his mom and dad that he was gay tomorrow night.

Chris told his mom and dad that he was gay. His dad slapped his face and told him to get the hell out and not come back until he had his head screwed on the right way. Chris ran out of the house to a pay phone. He called Kevin with tears running down his face, and said we need to use the back up plan. When Chris arrived at Kevin’s, Kevin could see the pain in his eyes and the red handprint on his face from where Chris’ father had slapped him. He walked right in and sat down. The only thing Chris said was, “With all that talking and planning it still hurts like hell.” Then Chris put his head on Kevin’s lap and Kevin placed his hand on Chris’ shoulder. Kevin knew that Chris would need all his strength to help Chris get through this nightmare.