Overcome

I do not understand. I could be so nice and give any one the world. And men still treated me like shit. I wish I knew how to let go of the past. What happened in my past was that many of the men, from Kindergarten to high school were extremely mean to me. I was abused verbally and it hurt. The pain only grew over time. I had women telling me I was ugly and I had men telling me I was ugly; both sides of the spectrum. The only people I had telling me otherwise was my family. Other people’s words seemed to be stronger than my family members. If the majority of everyone is putting me down and calling me all types of names then what conclusion was I supposed to reach? Unfortunately I kept all of my pain inside and came to my own conclusion that they were all right and that my family only saw what they saw because they were my family. So I grew up feeling like the piece of shit people kept treating me as. I felt so ugly and unwanted. I must have been an easy target for people to pick on, must be because I am quiet. The only reason I am quiet is because no one liked what I had to say anyway. They always laughed. They had hurt me so much, all wanted was for people to leave me alone and stop making fun of me. I was nice and quiet. I was always trying to help people. I think I wanted acceptance instead of always receiving hurtful words that left permanent imprints on my heart and mind. To make it worse I started developing and not in the way that I had wanted. Lets just say the majority of girls had a lot more than what I had.
Than came men. I was always into guys. I was not the type of girl who just suddenly started noticing guys. I always wanted one. I would sit in the classrooms and watch how the girls flirted with the guys. The same men who were mean to me and would call me all types of names. How do I overcome this? How am I supposed to let go of a big chapter in my life that caused me constant pain for most of my life? I did not understand. I did not do anything to anybody and yet they all hated me. Why? Girls would take one look at me and decided that they did not like me. I even had girls come up to me and tell me they did not like me. Fine, but why do they have to be so mean toward me? People do not have to like me nor have anything to do with me for that matter but what is so wrong and hard about respecting me?
Here came high school. From the beginning till the end of middle school I was struck with depression about my looks. I could to stand not one part of my body, but I told myself that I would have a chance to have a relationship in high school. That gave me hope and something to hold on to. I truly believed that I would have a chance and that I would get to be with a man. It was in high school that I learned that things in life do not turn out as you want them to. In high school things turned out to be the same only worse. All I wanted was a relationship and there I was, a girl who could not even get a date. Guys just ignored me and went for all the other more “prettier” women. This made me feel even lower because I tried really hard to figure out what so wrong with me to where a man did not want to come anywhere near me. I know I am not perfect but I am not so terrible to where I should have to be so alone. Somewhere along in high school my feelings about my looks mixed with the depression of me not being able to get a man. My pain grew. I started really suffering. I could not even stand to go out because everywhere I went I would see a woman whom I thought was more beautiful then me or I would see a couple so happy together. I was jealous. Now, I was not, nor am I, the type of person who wanted other people to be miserable. I just wanted happiness too, and everywhere I went I saw people who had the happiness that I wanted, needed, and thought I deserved. This is where I reached another conclusion: I am undeserving of love or a man. I mean what other conclusion was I supposed to reach? I begin feeling that life did not want me to be happy. I started feeling that I must have done something so terribly wrong to where life decided that it was not going to give me a man. I started feeling that my life was going to end alone. I do not know where I went wrong but I felt like I was being punished.
High school finally came to an end. I had nothing left in me. I did not feel beautiful and I was alone. End of story. Funny how life turns out. Towards the end of high school men finally begin to notice me. Too bad though, they were always either too old, or just some random guy I ran into out on the street; never anybody in high school. Oh well. It felt good to finally be called beautiful by a man and not ugly.