Red Light, Green Light

Some people believe that the end is near. I believe that we choose the end or else the end is chosen for us. Make sense? Nono, I suppose it doesnt. But with a bit of wine in hand and lights of red and green around. I also suppose it doesnt matter much. No I suppose it doesnt.

Christmas is near, however. I rather like the holiday. So many scrooges and people that hate shopping ruin it for the cheerful folk along with the ultra-Bible huggers and their taste for completely banning non-Christians from their holiday as if it were all about Jesus. Not that Im anti-God or anything. I do prefer Santa, though. Hes so much more jolly and exciting. Jesus has magical healing powers, and Santa has flying reindeer. They share the same day. In fact, they practically have to duke it out to see who is remembered the most. But that is a different story all together.

I have no parents. God says were all one big happy family but where? I dont see mine so where does this family exist? Probably within the invisible branches of the tree that everyone owns. Mine was torn from its roots a while ago, and trees dont grow out of nothing. I also have no siblings, no ties. I have friends, though, and they keep things exciting for me. Always have. I like the fast lane. Never did like those roads that you can only go 35 on even though its just a long stretch of nothing. Never did understand that. Not that I understand much, anyway. No never really have understood that much to begin with.

So I sit, surrounded by good holiday cheer and lights. The lights are beautiful but haunting. They change and flicker, and I barely even recognize the change sometimes as they become more and more repetitive in their ever-changing ways. Change. Do we ever really change?

I really dont think so.

Old habits die hard, you know? In fact they never really die at all. They just lie there, waiting to catch you off guard. And then your world comes crashing down.

The lights change again and I move forward. The car vibrates and rumbles as I press down on the gas, feeding to speed that keeps my heart racing since adrenaline is the only thing that ever keeps it pumping anymore. Fast lanes are addicting because theyre never enough; there always is something else, something more threatening and dangerous, something more inviting than the next. That 35 mph road becomes curvier every time and suddenly, youre hitting 50.

Did I mention? I did have parents once. About a week ago, to be exact. They wanted me to visit them. Somehow, my life seemed so much more exciting without them. And somehow, now that theyre really gone. so much more empty. They died in a car wreck. Hit a brick wall. How? Probably drinking. Old habits die hard. They really do. Not to be depressing or anything

Im totally fine without them

Hell, I moved away a year ago. I dont even remember why anymore. Life gets all jumbled up sometimes. I forget if Im heading forward or backward. It just all seems the same

See? Change? Doesnt really exist. Circles, on the other hand everything moves in circles. Except death. Theres no rebound from death. My parents havent rebounded yet, if that tells you anything. It proved a whole lot to me. It really did.

And here I am, moving (backward? forward? I dont really know. And I suppose it doesnt matter as long as Im moving at all) along, bass pounding in my ears as silence walks the dark streets. The time doesnt really matter when you have nowhere to go. Time doesnt exactly keep record of where youve been either. But then suddenly suddenly, Im questioning everything. How, why, where what the fuck has happened, in general. Period. I dont have a clue and it seems as though well, it seems that either everyone knows or no one does and they pretend its okay.

But its not.

How is it settling to move in a constant circle?

Circling through the darkness, past the lights, and into a brick wall. Followed by nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Maybe it doesnt really matter. No I suppose it doesnt really matter at all.