I Cried For You

         “This is incredibly stupid,” I grumbled to myself as I sat greedily inhaling my French vanilla latte on C’s porch, waiting for him to arrive home from work. I felt out of my league. He was way too beautiful for me. He’d probably pull up with a hot woman in his car and ignore the shit out of me.
          I began to inhale the drink at an even faster, practically inhumane speed, and before I knew it, there was a break in the fluidity of the coffee flowing through my stirrer. Glancing into the hole embedded in the lid, I discovered a miniscule droplet of coffee surrounded by foam. Damn! I shook the cup violently, hating myself for being a pig. Great. Now it was all gone. I began to eye the coffee that I’d bought for C. but frowned, as it was only a plain black coffee with sugar. How boring.
          My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an approaching car and my heart froze mid lub. The air caught in my bronchi freezing just before reaching my lungs. I couldn’t do this. I peeked at the Cingular LG phone that was in my pocket and pressed the button to display the time. 5:37. He arrived home at about 5:30-ish he’d said. If I was going to lose my balls, I had better do it soon or forever be a man. I maneuvered my head to make out the person in the car. Please don’t let it be him. Please don’t let it be him.
          And just why the hell shouldn’t it be? After all, it WAS his house. I’m going to die. That’s it. It’s over. He parked the black car a little further down the street. Well at least there wasn’t a hot girl in the passenger seat. If I was going to make a run for it, now was the time. But who was I kidding? I didn’t “Plan My Trip” on septa.org to turn around now. I would just have to suck it up.
          I heard the car door shut and I knew my fate was sealed. I reached into my purse and whipped out a piece of Orbit gum. After undressing the gum and popping it into my mouth, I gave my lips a quick tongue moisturizing and watched as the gorgeous tall man approached with a smile on his face, now that he realized there was a little midget girl sitting on his porch eyeing him. “Surprise,” I said with a grin, trying my best to mask the fact that I wanted to die. What the hell had I been thinking?
          His long legs aced the stairs and he opened his arms for a hug when he reached the top. “And a nice one too. How’d you get here beautiful?” He asked in his lightly accented voice while bending his body to accommodate the height of my shorter one.
          After having been squished I replied, “I caught the bus. Oh and I got you coffee. Boring and sweet, just the way you like it.” A 100-watt smile radiated over his square face revealing perfect teeth. I wanted to lick them but I refrained.
          “That was sweet of you, thanks” An awkward silence passed between us and we stared at one another grinning stupidly for a bit before he moved to open the door. “Let’s get you inside, “you’re Black” after all.” I laughed, loving the fact that he remembered my stupid joke about how Black people and cold weather don’t mix.
          I set his coffee down on the “coffee” table (snicker) and went to remove my jacket. He was behind me helping me before I could finish. I jumped at the contact, not quite used to the feeling of a guy being so close to me again. “You okay?”
          I turned to him after he’d slid the material down and off my arms. “Yeah I’m fine.” I smiled. “I just feel a little awkward.”
          Suddenly his lips became dry and he licked them before asking, “awkward? Why’s that? It‘s just me.” He moved a few paces away to hang our coats on a nearby coat rack and returned shortly thereafter. I didn‘t respond to him verbally but raised my brow instead. What did that mean? I have no idea. But it made him smirk at me which couldn‘t have been a bad thing. “Sit. Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything?”
          Give me your sexy ass on a silver platter. “No. I already inhaled my treat for today. But thank you.” I’d been to his house once before and I was rather fond of a plush chair that sat next to his couch. It was so out of place that it wasn’t. Somehow, it worked with the other obviously expensive decor of the room. The chair was only large enough really for one person but he sidled in next to me pinning both of our bodies together. “You know I can‘t move right?”
          He smiled again. “Good. I don’t want you to.” And then his lips were on mine.
          I had to move fast to tuck my Orbit out of the way of his invasive tongue. His hand came to rest on my abdomen and I traced my own up his chest, to his neck, and wound it into his short, wavy hair. Such nice hair.
          His lips devoured mine slowly and agonizingly. I was glad that I hadn’t died on his porch or I would have missed this moment. Eh, I’d die later after I got some. But it wouldn’t be today. I’d worn granny panties to ensure that I wouldn’t go that far. Thank god for granny panties - my sex inhibitor. I accidentally moaned into his mouth and it was then that I realized that I was falling too deep into his spell. It took some serious willpower but I pulled away.
          C. squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. I popped my Orbit between my teeth and began munching away as if nothing had happened. “Is something wrong?” I punctuated each of the notes with increasing degrees of sarcasm.
          He bit his lip and stared at mine while I happily chewed my gum. He grabbed the back of my head then and pressed his face to mine thrusting his tongue once more between my lips. The battle for the Orbit began as he tried desperately to fish it out of my mouth. I wound up choking on it laughing so hard. So I guess I won. Ha!
          After that we ordered out pizza and chatted idly about numerous things. I really enjoyed talking with him. He wasn’t narrow-minded like most other guys I had met, and he was easy to talk to. He only had a few years on me, okay about six actually, but he seemed very well informed for such a scant difference. The conversation flowed naturally and he made me feel like we had been friends for years rather than just a few short weeks. Dummy me. I was already falling hard for him but I was resolved to keep my trap shut and just take things as they came. No more rushing. If it’s not happening already then it’s not supposed to and that’s that. Don’t push it. My new adopted theory. Call me Confucius.
          In the midst of my Confucianism I hadn’t realized that C. was obviously in a world of his own as well. His eyes were downcast and he appeared to be contemplating something deeply. He was munching on the inside of his cheek while burning a hole into the floor with his intense eyes. I wondered what the carpet had done to him for him to render such a stern look. Our eyes met and as I sprawled out on the cushiony floor, full from the meal, I asked, “What are you thinking about?”
          “I’m thinking...of how...your beauty....transcends that of the....” We both burst out laughing before he could utter any more impossible bullshit. “I don’t know,” he resumed after settling. “I really like you. I like everything about you...your style, your intellect, your sense of humor....your smile....“
          Here it goes...
          “But I don’t think I can have a serious relationship right now.”
          Can ANYBODY have a serious relationship right now? That’s IT! I’m going to kill myself. “Totally understandable,” I replied casually. “I can’t either. I really need to concentrate on school.” I wondered if he could read the disappointment radiating in waves from my body. I wanted to bawl. I wanted to turn the lacrimal faucet on and let it run forever so that I could drown myself and the rest of the stupid world in a torrent of my salty tears. What the fuck was wrong with me? “What’s stopping you?” Although I was full, I reached a trembling hand for another mozzarella stick. The cheese was cool and clammy against my tongue and it didn’t taste so nice anymore, but I needed to calm my nerves.
          He sighed. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it and I could also tell that he had read me but played it off for my sake. Damn. “Relationships never work. Never. And you,” he half grinned, “you’re too perfect. I’m liking you more and more by the minute. But I don’t want to go through it all for nothing.”
          ..........I reached for another mozzarella stick and he grabbed my hand which was threatening to detach from my wrist it was shaking so horribly. “Look at me,” he ordered.
          No I’m going to cry if I look at you. No, I wont. Think of something else... My averted eyes made contact with his. “It’s fine really. I know how you feel.” I pulled my hand away from his, two notches short of a snatch, and sat back on the palms of my hands challenging him with my stare. He neither flinched nor blinked. My eyes began to dry from holding my lids open and then I felt them growing warm with tears. “I’m going to go now.”
          I stood and began to clean up my mess and C. followed suit. We tidied in silence and then I saw him reach for our coats. “I’ll be fine alone,” I said still trying to hold onto my tears. I refused to cry in front of him. I could wail all I wanted when I got home. I shouldn’t have come in the first place. Well, maybe I should’ve. At least I found out that to pursue this guy anymore would be a waste of time. Better to be hurt now than destroyed later.
          “I’m driving you home.”
          I let him help me into my coat then I waited for him to gather his things so that we could go. “C?”
          “Yes?”
          “What’d you kiss me for?”
          “Why did you kiss back?”
          I rolled my eyes. He’d probably be a prick for a boyfriend anyway. I immediately regretted thinking that when I saw the look on his face. He really did look troubled.
          “Are you ready?”
          “Lead the way.”

          After riding in silence for what seemed to be an eternity, we turned onto my little street. The car stopped in front of my door but I didn’t move immediately. I guess I was expecting him to say something. He didn’t though; so I thanked him for the ride and turned to leave when I felt his hand on my arm. “Is that it? Can’t we be friends?”
          Friends...the word was beginning to disgust me to the point where I could taste vomit in my mouth just from hearing the word. Friends... “I really like you C. I like you so much that I honestly don’t think ‘friends’ is going to cut it for me.”
          From the corner of my eye I could see him nod. “Yeah I don’t think so either. I’m really sorry.”
          “It’s fine, you can’t help the way you feel about things.” I shrugged as if I really didn’t care, trying to play it cool again...and then I leaned over and kissed him.
          He didn’t reciprocate at first but when I started to pull away abashedly, he yielded completely and in a moment took charge. I would never kiss his lips again so I reveled in the moment before we both had to let go. When it happened, I smiled, even though I was hurting inside, and said my goodbye. I ruffled his hair and he playfully punched me in the arm telling me to get the hell out of his car and I did. I looked back when I entered my house, waved, and he pulled off.
          I cried.