How to Make a Good Impression

This is a competitive world. With people getting laid off every day, the job market is becoming battlefield. I have had my share of experience with the Job Field, the dreaded introductions and interviews, and I have picked up several pointers. I hope sincerly that they will be useful to you.

When you say your name, it is inappropriate to also state your zodic sign. Especially if the person interviewing you is female. Especially if she's married.

Short skirts are not a good idea. In theory, it seems logical - short skirts draw attention to you in a positive way, and everyone loves a little eye candy. This idea is trivialized by forgetting to change your tampon and wearing white panties.

Along the same lines, tight pants also seem like a sleazy way to get a one-up on the competition. It is not so. People seem to get the impression that you are unprofessional when you must wiggle every fifteen seconds to remove a thong from your ass.

Do not wear new clothes on interviews. I know it's a cute shirt, but it may be shoddily made and when you bend over to pick up a pen, a button from your new blouse may pop off and be lost.

If you're getting that weird, pervy, stalker vibe from your future boss, it's probably based on some foundation. Giving a person like this your phone number and address are not smart. Because they'll call and drop by when you're on a date with your boyfriend, who gives you a confused look and meanders off, leaving you to fend off said stalker-boss.

Don't go on the interview if the job description is vague. There's a reason you get $32 an hour, and it's not because the job is stimulating (well, kind of...) or challenging. Toss the flyer away and walk across the street to McDonald's and lower your standards a little.

Burger joints involve hot stoves and burning oil. Burning oil is not a figure of speech. It really does burn. Even if the guy who's on your shift dares you to plunge your hand in, assuring you that it's not hot. Trust me. It is.

New jewelry just causes problems. Shaking hands with your new boss and noticing your finger is green makes for a bad first impression.

I don't care if the heel breaks off your new shoes. Yelling "FUCK!" in an office setting is not an appropriate way to deal with your pain.

New shoes will always leave blisters. Always.

If you think you've covered everything, you haven't. You can avoid everything at all costs, and you'll forget something easy. Like your resume.

People know when your parents or boyfriends write your letters of recommendation. Seriously.

Your boss will know if you have experience in the desired job field. I know, you'd think that accounting would be easy to fake in, but really it's not. Respect those with the experience to do your taxes.

When a customer tips you $22 for a $12.50 meal, you did something wrong. For example, maybe you had a date with your boyfriend right after work and wore some sexy panties and your skirt got caught inside them when you went to the bathroom and your coworkers thought it was funnier not to tell you. Maybe something like that.

I know the 'Drop it Like It's Hot' and 'Baby Got Back' ringbacks are funny, but your boss at Mervyn's probably won't think so. And neither will your boyfriend's mom.

Always assume that someone has a key to the supply closet. On that same note, always assume that the air ducts lead to your boss's office. Provide your significant other with the same assumptions.

Someone else has the key to your office. They will see the sexy present your boyfriend dropped off. Or took off. They will report you to human resources. You will have to have a very awkward conversation with your boss trying to explain that you really aren't into BDSM - it was a joke.

Do not make the mistakes I have. Learn from me, take something valuable away from this lesson. Always assume the worse, and you'll almost be ready for placement in the competitive job field.