Both Sides of the Scale

I was always a skinny person. I could eat anything and as much as I liked and not gain weight.

Since childhood I hated my skinny body - my skinny legs and gangly arms. It caused me much ridicule. In primary school I was called all sorts of names – matchsticks, nibblesticks, skeleton, to name but a few. We all know how cruel children can be. To make matters worse I also wore glasses. So there I was, the skinny kid with the big glasses. Not surprising that I suffered low self-esteem.

If I thought childhood couldn’t get any worse, along came my teens. Ouch! The skinny girl with the big glasses grew taller, remained skinny and wore even bigger glasses. At around age 15 I had a growth spurt – as I shot up, my body did not adjust as fast. My limbs were too long for my body. Finding a school dress that fitted was a challenge. So my mother’s ingenious solution was to buy a dress 4 sizes too big, as this was long enough to reach below my knees so that she could shorten the hem and let it out bit by bit as I grew. We were not well-off, so this ensured not having to spend money on another dress for the rest of my high school years. A dress 4 sizes too big also came with a bust meant for that size, while in reality, for me, no bust had yet started to bud. Once again, mother was resourceful. She pulled up and shortened the shoulders, took in the sides to flatten the dress around my flat chest. Problem solved.

Needless to say, my self-confidence waned even more in high school. I was the typical nerd, and once again ridicule dominated my life. I couldn’t be more miserable.

I seldom wore shorts or short skirts that revealed my painfully thin legs. I was far too self-conscious. My body image was exceptionally poor. I longed to gain weight…

By the time I finished school and started my tertiary studies, I was still thin, but fortunately my arms and legs and the rest of my body settled into proportion. By age 19, I was finally starting to feel somewhat better about myself. And for the first time attracted interest from the opposite sex. This was new and thrilling and I lapped up whatever attention I got. I started going out to clubs and almost always attracted attention from guys. This was a huge boost to my self-esteem. I finally felt attractive and sexy.

Between the ages of 20-24 I would say I was at an ideal weight – not too thin and not too fat. I was still lucky enough to eat whatever I liked and not gain a single kilogram. And it was the only time in my life that I was happy with my body.

The turning point came at 24. For the first time I gained some weight. I was shocked. So shocked I immediately cut down on my intake of food and lost it.

Between 24 and 30, my weight fluctuated but generally I was ok.
You’ve heard it said that after 30 your metabolism slows down. I came to learn just how true this was.
By the end of my 30th year my weight exploded (that’s how it seemed). Within 2 months I gained 6kg. I’d never gained so much weight in such a short time in my entire life. I was now feeling uncomfortable in my clothes.

I joined Weigh Less. At that point I weighed 71kg. I wanted to weigh 62kg. For someone who all her life ate whatever she wanted, following a diet was incredibly difficult. After losing only 2,5kg, I gave up. I started gaining weight again until eventually I hit around 76,5kg. At this point my clothes were so tight – I could barely breathe in jeans. I wore long tops to hide my big bottom and hips. And I hated myself. I felt ugly and unattractive. I was officially fat.

At work there were a few of us always bemoaning our weight and trying to lose weight. One of my colleagues encouraged me to join the gym. Eventually I did. I started going to gym in June 2005. I’d never exercised in the past, so I was extremely unfit. It was reassuring to look around the gym and see other overweight people, some more overweight than I was, all trying to take steps to improve our health.

One day at work I was told that I was bigger than another colleague who I saw as bigger than me. This shocked and upset me. If I was bigger than this person, that was devastating. I started to cut down on my food and in particular cut out chips and chocolates (my biggest downfall). I lost 2-3kg. But once again, I couldn’t sustain it. And this is where I am today as I write this. The scale measured 75,4kg this morning.

I am still fat. I am still uncomfortable. I am still self-conscious. I am still wearing clothes to hide my ugly body. Ten years ago if you had told me I’d be battling a weight problem, I would’ve roared with laughter. Oh how the tables have turned.

The older I get, the harder it is.
Some people may read this and think that 75kg is not that fat. It is for me.
There are people battling a bigger weight problem and I know that and now for the first time in my life, I understand it. But I think that whether you’re 10kg overweight or 50kg overweight, being overweight has the same effect on everyone. Every overweight person lacks confidence, feels inferior, feels ashamed and feels desperately unhappy in their skin.
I have so much more empathy for overweight people which I never had before. In the past I looked down on fat people. I thought, how can they walk around like that, why don’t they lose weight. Now I know that losing weight is not that easy. Now I understand the term 'battle of the bulge’.

I turned 33 in January. I am 1,69m and weigh 75kg. My ideal weight is 65kg. I am 10kg overweight. This is how I define myself these days. It consumes me. I hope I will lose the 10kg in 2006, not only to look better, but for my health.
The battle continues…..