Loveisintheeyeofthebeholder(part II)

I laid there staring at the ceiling for so long wondering what had happened. Well I knew what happened… I just don’t know why it happened the way it did. Was it the alcohol or me? I didn’t know. I climbed out of bed and searched for my clothes. When I got dressed and headed for the door his voice stopped me. “Why are you leaving? Do you need to get back to what ever his name is?” “I don’t know what happened to me last night. I never do this. My head and my heart aren’t in agreement. So I am very sorry. I made a mistake, a very sweet and wonderful mistake. I have to go back to him now and tell him.” “Was it really a mistake? I think it wasn’t. Stay with me please. Just don’t go back to him. He doesn’t make you happy. If he did then you wouldn’t have ended up in my arms at the end of the night.” He was right, I knew he was. If I really loved Damien, would I do this to him? Drunk or sober, the answer is no. “I will return later…okay?” “Why later?” “Its later or nothing.”
I arrived home a little later. Damien hadn’t come home last night. He was probably with friends. I ran bath water. It’s been so long since I seriously thought about killing myself. The box cutter in the kitchen looked good right then. I took it in to the bathroom. The blade slid smoothly over my stomach and thighs. I was relaxing in my blood. The pain took my mind off of everything. All I felt was the sting as the blood swam out. After awhile I felt numb, the pain was gone. I drifted into a deep sleep.
Damien ran into the bathroom screaming. “Hope! Hope! Oh baby, no, I love you. Are you still alive?” I was groggy, but I still managed to mumble, “I’m fine damn! What is your problem?” “Why is there blood everywhere?” “I need to talk to you about that.” I made him leave so I could get out and think. I must have fallen asleep for hours because the water felt like ice. I walked in the room and sat across from him. I carefully explained to him the events that had led up to that point.
I fought back the tears even though the cuts on my body hurt like hell. The next thing I know I am in a hospital with Damien by my side. I managed to say, “I’m sorry.” Then I fell back to sleep. When I looked up there he was. There was this glow around him, probably the effects of drugs. Even if it was he still looked angelic. “Hope, I love you. Whatever you did with this guy is over now. All I can do is forgive you, and move on. The wedding of course is post-poned until you get out of the hospital. This guy came by and gave me this note for you… Don’t worry I didn’t read it.” I stopped him so I could speak. My head felt like it was flying around. “Listen to me, okay? You can forgive me all you want, I don’t see how, but you did. I can’t marry you. I’m sorry I’ve done this to you I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I know that I can’t be with you any more. I’m too young to marry; after all I need to live my life. How could you just forgive me the way you did? How would you see me after we were married?”
“You know how I can forgive you? I can forgive you because I love you. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can forgive you because…because its you. How could I not? Am I mad? I was, but then I almost lost you. That made me realize that if I didn’t have you I’d be lost. Without you I’m nothing…” “You don’t need me to survive. Before we were together, you were just you. Why should it be any different now?” “Because I didn’t know what I was going to do for the rest of my life until I found you. I know what I want out of life, and its all because of you.” “I need sometime to myself… Could you come back later?” “Yea, sure. Take your time, and I’ll be back later.”
All I could do was lie in the dark and cry. I remembered something Damien had said about a note. It was under my soft cotton pillow. This hospital smells weird…kind of like old people and jello. I pulled the note out, and it was from Havier. It smelled like strawberries and ice cream. Kind of like his apartment. His handwriting was so neat. It looked so girly. This is what it said:
My dearest Hope,
I have realized that what we did was a mistake. I know I don’t have much to offer you, but my heart is in the right place. I was going to stay by your side, but he was there. I knew that he was the one that should be there. Why did you try to kill yourself? You have the hearts of two guys that would do anything for you. When I saw him I knew it… I knew he needed you. When I looked him in the eyes I saw that. Be with him, it’s the right thing to do. I was just a drunken mistake. Your friends ditched you when you needed to talk, and I was there. I was just a stand in and I know it…so it’s fine. I didn’t tell you, but today is my last day. My job transferred me to Paris. I won’t see you for awhile, it could be never. I’m sorry it had to end this way.

Sincerely yours forever,
Havier

There was the answer, but could I accept it? Do I love him? Of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that I cheated on him. The wedding is off, we should get married this young. I don’t even think we should get married at all. You need to trust the one you love, the one you have to spend the rest of your life with, the one you sleep nest to every night. Without trust there is no stable base to the relationship. I have college to get through, and a career to make. I don’t even know who I am at this point. How will I be able to find out who he really is without knowing me? I can’t and I won’t.
As I laid in the cold loneliness of the night I got this incredible pain in my stomach. I pressed the button for the nurse. I was sweating, and crying. My doctor came in to do a sonogram. “Well, it looks like we have to take you off the medicine…” “What? Why would you need to do that?” “You are pregnant, Hope. How long has it been since you got your period?” “Wow, pregnant. I haven’t really noticed because I’ve been so busy. I don’t have time to notice that.” “In about six months you’re going to be a mother. I suggest you start to make time.” “Yea, I know. Doc could you please leave? I need to be alone.” He left shaking his head, “How could anyone be that busy...poor girl…”
A baby? How could I be having a baby? This can’t be happening. I don’t want to marry Damien. I just need time for myself, and now I can’t even get that. I kept looking at the picture of her, and wondering why now? “You aren’t going to like your life, and it is my fault,” I whispered as I rubbed my belly. She was so beautiful, and tiny. She isn’t even born yet and I can’t imagine my life without her. I could only think of one person to talk to…my mom.
“Ring…Ring…Hello?”
“Hi mommy…Its Hope.”
“Oh, baby how are you? I’ve been so worried about you.”
“Well, its funny you mention that…I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, are you okay? How far along?”
“About three months…I don’t know what to do; I don’t want to marry Damien.”
“I know, I know, but what about the baby? What do you want to do about that? I mean you can’t keep you child away from the father.”
“You did that with me…”
“I know and look what happened. You went to find him.”
“Yes, I did and he was a jerk. Now I am 22, still in college, and about to have a baby girl.”
“Aww…It’s a girl? How sweet…Only you can decide what to do with her, but you can’t raise her alone. You have to tell him.”
“I know, but how can I? I mean I did something horrible to him, and he still wants to marry me! The man is like a one man circus…I don’t know what is going around in his head.”
“Well I know you hurt yourself, but…”
“No, not that. I was with another person.”
“What? When?”
“When I went to the club. I met him, and one thing led to another. I woke up in his apartment.”
“You are more like me than I expected. That’s scary; you could get hurt that way.”
“I know, but I also know that marrying Damien would be a mistake. One I’m not willing to take anymore. Sure, I love the guy, but it just isn’t there for me any more.”
“I can’t help you make this decision. All I can say is I love you, I am here for you, and I want you to be careful.”
“Mom?”
“Yes dear?”
“Thank you for everything.”
“I’d do anything for my only child. I love you and care about your well being.”
“I love you to…listen I’ve got to go…Hopefully I get out of this place by the end of the week.”
“Okay sweet cheeks, I love you have a good night.”
“Okay…bye”
“Bye…’
So no matter what I do, I still have to tell Dee that we are going to have a little girl. Why does it have to be so hard? I got out of bed, and asked where the nursery was. Somebody wheeled me up there. I looked at the beautiful babies. Soon I’d have a unique baby. She wouldn’t be like the rest of them…because I’d see her as only a mother can. I could only imagine how she might turn out. I just wish she doesn’t know the miser of life, but then again she wouldn’t know love. I want her to find the right person and never get hurt. Of course, every parent wants that.
A month went by before I could tell Damien. I was too scared to tell him. I’d only been out of the hospital for a week. To celebrate he took me to my favorite Italian place. He tried to make me have some wine, but I wouldn’t drink it. “Oh, I forgot you can’t mix it with your medicine.”
“Yea…That’s it…”
“Is there something going on that I should know about?”
“Umm…Umm… Maybe…”
“What is it?”
“I haven’t been on medication for a while…”
“Since when?”
“Since I found out I was pregnant.”
“What! Whose baby?!”
“Its yours I’m four months along, going on five…”
“Were you planning on telling me before the baby came?”
“Yes, it is just hard to say. There was never a good time to tell you.”
“Well…what is it?”
“She is a girl. I want to name her Darianne.”
“So we are having a baby, and you still won’t marry me?”
“I won’t marry you because its not right. I don’t fell the same way about you.”
“Well what about our baby?”
“What about her?”
“She needs a mother, and a father!”
“Yes, I know that but that doesn’t constitute a marriage.”
“So what are we going to do? Are you at least going to let me be in the delivery room?”
“Yes…of course…Why wouldn’t I? I still want you to be a part of her life Damien.”
“The way you were making it sound…I just didn’t think that you wanted me to be in her life is all.”
“Because I refuse to marry you?”
“Yes…parents usually are married.”
“Maybe your parents, parents, but this is a new age. Most people who are having kids aren’t married. Most of them don’t even talk to each other. I am not going to do that and not give you access to see her. You can see her when you want.”
“I guess I can handle that.”
The rest of the night seemed to go smoother. He dropped me off at my house, and ended up spending the night. He was to drunk to go home. I made him sleep on the couch. I covered him up like a child. Isn’t it strange when you feel like the love of you life is just a child? I know he isn’t but sometimes the way he acts speaks differently. I am pretty sure that if I had a choice to be with him or Havier…I would choose Havier. I don’t know there is no mystery or passion with Damien. Our love has become a void in my life. I can’t help the way I feel. Only if I hadn’t hurt him the way I did. Maybe things would have been different than they are now. If that was the case, then I would have never gotten pregnant with my daughter.
Months went by quickly…All I could think about was when the baby was going to come out. I mean seriously…she was a stubborn little thing. The day before they were going to induce labor, I was shopping. I was in the mall about to get some clothes and my water broke at the back of the line. Good thing I was with someone. With that pain I don’t think I could have endured driving all the way to the hospital. I called Damien from my cell screaming, and he knew it was time to go to the hospital. I was breath but it seemed to make it worse. I waited as long as I could for him but he never came. She did…all the pain I was in was forgotten about. She was so tiny, and beautiful. She had his eyes and my features. I held her forever until I fell asleep.
It was about five in the evening when I found out…Damien was in a horrific accident while I was in labor. He was going so fast that he collided with a truck, and he didn’t survive. He was a block from the hospital. It felt like he was a million miles away. I held Darianne close. She would never know her father. He wasn’t the right one for me, but he was a great person. I will never forget that. I won’t ever tell her anything bad about him. There isn’t a bad thing I can think about.