Film Blanc

Scene one
(It is at night. Camera slowly zooms on a quiet house with the lights on. Camera switches to KORDER sitting in a large chair in his living room, sipping tea and quietly reading a book. Camera switches to HAU-YU-MO-GU’s view, in bushes, watching KORDER. Cam swt to KORDER. Boards creak. KORDER looks around, startled. HE shrugs and goes back to reading. China rattles.)

KORDER

Who’s there?

(No answer. HE gets up out of chair and puts book down. HE turns to kitchen. Cam swt to front view of KORDER. HE looks around, frightened. HAU-YU-MO-GU creeps behind KORDER, unseen, and chokes KORDER with a string. KORDER elbows HAU-YU-MO-GU and knocks HIM to the floor. HAU-YU-MO-GU gets up and THEY take martial arts poses.)

KORDER

Bring it on.

(They sing “Kung Fu Fighting” while fighting. At the end of the song, HAU-YU-MO-GU kills KORDER with a kitchen knife.)

HAU-YU-MO-GU

Fool. Black guy always dies first!

Scene two

(Alarm rings. BONDI smacks it. “Notorious” plays. HE gets dressed and then walks out the door, with his tuxedo jacket slung over his sleeve.)

MOTHER

(SHE interrupts music)

Put on your coat this instant! You’ll catch cold!

BONDI

Mom! You’ve interrupted the groove!

MOTHER

Groove or no groove, I don’t want to hear you complaining about how sick you are!

BONDI

(Puts on coat and music starts again. To himself)
I really gotta move out…

(HE gets in car and drives off)

Scene three

(He arrives at work, a large castle, and walks into N’s office, SHE is sitting at her desk and HE sits down in front of the desk)

N

You’re late.

BONDI

It was my mother’s fault, N. I really have to move out.

N

You’re nearing thirty-one, now. It’s time you get yourself together. I’m thinking of letting you off for a little while to get your head straight.

BONDI

No! N, I can do it. Give me just one more assignment! I’ll prove to you that I can get a job done.

N

Fine.

(SHE opens a drawer and pulls out a folder with KORDER’s picture on it. SHE hands the folder to BONDI)

This is Professor Franz Korder. He was found dead in his home last week, a stab wound to the chest. Looks like there was a struggle.

BONDI

Do you have anything on his attacker?

N

We think he might be a ninja.


BONDI

A ninja? How do you know?

N

(Pulls out a fortune cookie from her drawer)

This was found at the scene.

BONDI

What does it say?

N

Say?

BONDI

You, know, the fortune. What does it say?

N

I don’t know.

BONDI

(BONDI grabs the cookie and breaks it in half. N gasps. HE reads the fortune aloud.)

‘Do not investigate, it shall bring untold pain.’

N

Well, that’s that. If the fortune cookie says no, then…

BONDI

No! That’s what they want you to think. We need to look into this.

N

But the cookie says-



BONDI

(Interrupts)

No! Don’t you see? They planted this! The black guy always dies first! We can save lives here! Let me take this.

(N thinks for a time, not looking up from her desk.)

N

Alright. First, however, you must protect someone. John Fredder. He was Korder’s best student. Before he was murdered, you see, he was working on something. The implications of this something would be a huge benefit to society, but, in the wrong hands, it could be very bad. His student is the only one who actually knows anything about it. He will be a huge target. You must protect him.

BONDI

Where will I find him?

N

At John Goodman High School, in Washington. There is a performance tonight there. He will be performing. Make sure it goes smoothly.

Scene four

(BONDI walks into the school auditorium. The lights have already darkened, and the curtain has been shut. He takes a seat in the back row. ANNOUNCER walks out and stands behind the podium)

ANNOUNCER

Welcome to this year’s Language Concert, where our language students all share with you a song in their language! Up first is our French class!

(The curtain opens to maybe ten students. THEY sing “Frère Jacques” with as little enthusiasm as they can muster. THEY finish and the audience gives equally unenthusiastic applause. THEY walk offstage. ANNOUNCER steps back to podium.)

ANNOUNCER

(Overly happy)

Wasn’t that just great?! Now it’s time for our Spanish class!

(Spanish students walk onto risers. CONDUCTOR madly conducts them while they sing “Tumbando Caña.” THEY are met at the end with thunderous applause. They bow and walk offstage. ANNOUNCER walks out again.)

ANNOUNCER

Well that certainly was another great performance. Our final act for the night is the Romanian class, our newest addition to our foreign language department!

(The curtain opens with a class a little larger than the French class. THEY sing “Dragostea Din Tei,” all doing the Numa-Numa Dance. They are also met with thunderous applause. ANNOUNCER walks out for the final time.)

ANNOUNCER

Well’s that’s our show for tonight! We hope you enjoyed it thoroughly and hope that you come back to see us next year!

(Cam swt to BONDI waiting outside the school. MARK and NATALIE walk past. Cam swt to THEM.)

MARK

That was a great show, wasn’t it?

NATALIE

Mark, I thought it sucked.

MARK

Natalie! What’s wrong with you?

NATALIE

I don’t know, it’s just that I’ve been thinking more and more about Soho.

MARK

Soho?

NATALIE

Yes. I never told you? I used to live here. I moved away right out of school. I had a very traumatic experience here. I spent the past ten years in Soho. My stay wasn’t exactly picture-perfect, though. I hurt a lot of people there. They called me immature and that I would never become anything. I know now that it’s absolutely true. (pauses) Mark, I don’t want to hurt you either.

(SHE sings “Don’t Let Me Get Me.”)

I’m sorry. I have to leave you.

MARK

No, you don’t! None of it’s true! Listen, Natalie!

(HE sings “Believe Me Natalie.”)

NATALIE

Mark! No! I can’t hurt you! Besides, we have nothing in common!

MARK

We have plenty in common!

(He sings “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”)

NATALIE

I guess that’s something… But Mark, you really have to stop breaking out into song.

MARK

Alright, but

(HE sings the first line of “Is There Something I Should Know.” She interrupts him.)

NATALIE

Goodbye, Mark.

(She walks away. Cam swt to BONDI. JOHN walks out of school, humming to himself.)



BONDI

(Gets up and walks in front of JOHN)

Hello, there. That was quite a performance!

JOHN

(Slightly spooked, but smiles nicely anyway.)

Oh, thank you. We do try.

BONDI

Listen. I didn’t come for the show.

JOHN

I know, no one ever does. They always come because their kids are in it.

BONDI

No. That’s not what I mean. I’m here to protect you.

JOHN

Who are you?

BONDI

The name’s Bondi, Jeet Bondi. I’m here for your safety. You’re a target for—

(A car zooms past, doing a drive-by. JOHN is shot and dies.)

Why?! Why do I have to fail everything?

Scene five

(MARK sits in window, it appears to be raining. HE sings “One Is The Loneliest Number” and the camera zooms out, revealing that the rain is actually just a guy with a hose. When HE finishes, the phone rings. MARK walks over and answers it.)


MARK

Hello? (pauses) Natalie? Why are you—(pauses. his face changes from surprised to angry) No! Of course I haven’t missed you! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

(HE sings “Missing You,” singing the refrain into the phone, but singing the verses out to the camera, like a soliloquy.)

Goodbye. (HE slams the phone down and covers his face with his hands.)

Scene six

(There is a dark room. A man is watching television.)

REPORTER

It has been confirmed. Pope Benedict has died mysteriously in his home this morning. The bishops are being called in to vote in a new Pope.

(The man watching television folds his hands and laughs madly.)

Scene seven

(BONDI walks into N’s office. SHE looks incredibly furious with him.)

N

Sit down.

(HE does)

Listen. I can’t have this from an agent. You are a triple o agent! You have to set the example for all the single o’s! I bet that any old bum could have protected that kid better than you!

BONDI

Oh my God.

N

Huh?

BONDI

The kid died!

N

I know, it was your fault, remember?

BONDI

The kid never dies second! Who important died before the kid did?

N

(SHE pulls out file from her desk and flips through it)

Let’s see… We have Miss Info—radio star or something—died yesterday evening on her way out from work. Pope Benedict died yesterday morning—no word on cause of death yet. Jacques something or rather—president of France or something—died yesterday afternoon, although those cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys won’t tell us how he died.

BONDI

Of course! Can’t you see? There is a pattern here! Someone wants—or wanted—all these people dead! Please let me stay on this case!

N

Alright, but you can’t fail me. You need to get to the bottom of this.

BONDI

Thank you!

(HE smiles joyously and runs out the door.)

N

Idiot…

Scene eight

(It is the same dark room as before. The man watches television again.)

REPORTER

It is confirmed! After an emergency meeting of the bishops we have a new Pope! Pope Judas I has been elected Pope. He is the first American Pope ever to be elected. If you look behind me, he is giving his first sermon as Pope.

JUDAS

Good morning everyone! I’m glad to see you bright and well! The time to repent is now!

(HE sings “It’s The End of The World as We Know It.”)

People of the world! It’s the end of the world! Do you know what that means? Do whatever you want! Live life to the fullest! Are you homosexual? Become a priest and get married, and then get divorced! Murder? Perfectly acceptable! We’re all going to die soon, anyway! Do whatever the hell you want!

MAN IN DARK

Perfect, Pope Judas. My plan is working flawlessly.

Scene nine

(BONDI is creeping around in a hallway. HE steps around a corner cautiously. It is revealed that he is in KORDER’s house. HE steps around the living room, as if tracing the fight. He hums “Kung Fu Fighting” as he does this. HE then pretends to be stabbed and falls on the ground, mimicking KORDER. HE goes into the basement and proceeds to look through books and files. HE takes a book off the shelf and reads it.)

BONDI’S THOUGHTS

I am almost finished with the math for the portal. The design I drew up beforehand needs minor changes but I think that the general idea works. I had a small conference yesterday of some people who’d be interested in the project. Four people attended: Bill Gates, Kunitake Ando, Satoru Iwata, and some man who appeared to be rich but refused to tell me his name. His assistant referred to him only by “Sir.” He was quite a mystery, and I do not know if he was interested in the idea or not. The three other men there, presidents of major gaming companies, however, offered me close to a billion dollars for the technology. I declined until I could see what the true implications of my device are.

(BONDI closes the book and pockets it.)




Scene ten

(MARK sits in a chair by himself. He looks rather depressed and lonely. The phone rings and he is surprised. He picks it up.)

MARK

Hello? (Pauses) Natalie?

MARK’S THOUGHTS

(HE continues to listen on the phone while thinking.)

She wants me back? I don’t know… I am really lonely… Maybe I should try it again. I really was only being angry with her for revenge… I really do miss her kisses. They always tasted like grapefruit and Italian salad dressing. I’m starting to get hungry… I think it’s happy hour till nine tonight at the bar. Maybe I can grabs me some wings or something… Mmm… wings… DAMN! Is she still talking? Shizzle!

MARK

Yeah, of course! I love you! We can give it one more shot. I promise that I won’t break out into song too much and—what? Yeah, of course, we should meet… My place is great. Tomorrow at three? Sure! See you then! Bye, sweetums honey-pie butter cakes! I’m sorry… I won’t do that again…

(HE hangs up the phone and then jumps into the air)

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! YAHOO!

(HE sings “Vertigo.”)

Scene eleven

(The camera shows a church near the edge of a jungle. DR. MAYBE is playing the organ in the sanctuary. HE finishes the song and walks out of the door. JUDAS, LORD DRUGGE, LADY DRUGGE, HAU-YU-MO-GU, DEO, WALKIE-TALKIE MAN, MR. NIZZLE, RALPH, NOBEARD, PATEL, and SIR LIMEY are seated at the council table in the lair. Two chairs at the table are left empty, ABRUTI’s chair on the side, and DR. MAYBE’s large, black chair at the head of the table.)

LORD DRUGGE

(To LADY DRUGGE)

We come all this way. Where is he?

DR. MAYBE

(HE busts double doors open and makes a large entrance.)

Good evening!

(HE starts over to his chair)

Welcome to my council of evil! I hope you were comfortable in getting here. The organ really is a nice touch, isn’t it?

(HE sits)

So…I have called you into session to—Where’s Monsieur Abruti?

(THE COUNCIL remains silent, but looks around. After a short period of time, ABRUTI bursts through the double doors. He has obviously been running.)

Abruti! Why are you late?

ABRUTI

Pardonnez-moi, Docteur, mais je n’ai pas régardé la carte très bon et—

(DR. MAYBE pulls out a gun and shoots ABRUTI. ABRUTI is blasted back against the wall and dies.)

DR. MAYBE

I will not have lateness in this council of evil! Evil councils are not supposed to wait around sipping Perrier while waiting for French men to arrive! Back to business… I’m sorry about the lair. We’re on a low budget here… Where was I? Oh, right… So! I would like to commend you for your excellent job, especially my Catholic division. Pope Judas, you did terrific.

JUDAS

I do try, Dr. Maybe. My bishops worked all day on the harmonies.

DR. MAYBE

Urban division, I would like a status report.

MR. NIZZLE

Yo, wat you sayin’ dawg?

DR. MAYBE

Oh, excuse me… So dawg, give me that 411, word up!

MR. NIZZLE

Fo sho! Fo sho! Yo, dat plan o’ yose is workin’ like a charm, like a motherbleeping charm, and dat’s da dilly-o!

DR. MAYBE

Props, dawg, props! How is my Colombian division faring? Lord and Lady Drugge?

LORD AND LADY DRUGGE

(In unison) Perfectly, Dr. Maybe. Every single drug smuggled into the US from Colombia has been laced with arsenic.

(MR. NIZZLE gasps, grabs his chest, and falls over, dead.)

DR. MAYBE

You know, somehow, I just knew that was going to happen. My assassins! Hau-Yu-Mo-Gu and Mr. V. Deo. I trust that you have taken out Mr. Jeet Bondi?

DEO

Unfortunately, we were unable to. Our attempt was a failure. We mistakenly killed some kid he was talking to at the time. We shall try again soon.

HAU-YU-MO-GU

We are sorry. We have brought shame and dishonor on this evil council.

DR. MAYBE

You guys have one more chance. I do not tolerate incompetence. You saw what happened to that cheese-eating surrender-monkey! I will not have any incompetence in this evil council. Mr. Limey, give me an update on the actions of my English division.

MR. LIMEY

I have managed to pass acts of parliament that increase taxes in Britain by .07%.

DR. MAYBE

.07%? How can you manage to be so unproductive?

MR. LIMEY

It’s parliament. It would take eight years for them to pass what kind of bagels they would be serving in the lunchroom, and lunch gets priority! Imagine what it would be like to increase taxes any more than .07%!

DR. MAYBE

Mmm…bagels…

MR. LIMEY

Dr. Maybe?

DR. MAYBE

Huh? Oh, right… So what is going on with the Animal division, Ralph?

RALPH

(HE makes grunting noises, and subtitles substitute his lines.)

We have suppressed the antelope’s protesting, and the chimps have been enlisted in our army.

DR. MAYBE

Excellent, Ralph. By the way, how’s the family?

RALPH

It’s great. Little Billy is getting braces next month, and little Sara is going into soccer. Fran, my wife, she’s getting a laboratory job at Johnson and Johnson.

DR. MAYBE

That’s great, Ralph, really. Anyway… Mr. Patel! How are things in my Convenience Division?

PATEL

Oh… very good, very good, yes. I… uh… sell the Twinkies and the cigarettes… and… I… it… is good.

DR. MAYBE

Good? Where’s the evil?

PATEL

The evil is there. The evil is very there indeed, yes. I… uh… tell the people that we... uh… are open… uh… twenty-four hours, but… uh… we are only open for twenty-three and three quarters.

DR. MAYBE

Ok… You’re going to have to boost up the evilness of that.

PATEL

Oh, yes… of course… I try for… uh… twenty-three and two quarters, yes.

DR. MAYBE

Whatever you can do. Captain Nobeard! Give me a status report on the pirate division!

NOBEARD

Arr! Well you see we downloaded a copy of Photoshop! Arr! We also downloaded an unregistered copy of Microsoft office! Arr!

DR. MAYBE

What kind of pirate are you?

NOBEARD

A swashbuckling internet pirate, the meanest on the seven ISPs! Arr!

DR. MAYBE

An internet pirate?!

NOBEARD

Ay, ay!

DR. MAYBE

(Puts his head down) Oh my God…

NOBEARD

Arr! Can I be excused? I gotta go use the little sailors room, you know, put all hands on the poop deck and whatnot. Arr!

DR. MAYBE

Just go… Just… go…

(NOBEARD leaves the room.)

Back to business, I need an update from the French division.

JUDAS

You killed the French division.

DR. MAYBE

I did? Oh right! Hats off to me, then!

(HE starts to give an evil laugh, and tries to get the rest of the council to join in with him, but they nod and smile, as if he’s crazy.)

Scene twelve

(N is sitting at her desk, engaged in a book. BONDI busts into the room very suddenly and outstretches his arms, holding KORDER’s diary in one hand.)

BONDI

Look what I found!

N

What is it?

BONDI

(HE sits down in the other chair.)

Professor Korder’s diary, of course! It says that not too long before he was killed, he held a conference. Attending were the presidents of Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo. There was also another man there that did not reveal his identity.

N

Does that book say what he was inventing?

BONDI

(pauses) No. But there still is this!

N

That’s wonderful, Bondi. You’ve managed to raise nothing but more questions. I, on the other hand, have been doing my own research. The president of France’s successor, Monsieur Abruti, flew to Argentina, but did not return. Do remember the radio star that was killed?

BONDI

Miss Info?

N

Whatever her name was… The newest member of that radio station, Mr. Nizzle, also took a trip to Argentina that same weekend. He, too, was missing from his return flight.

BONDI

Do you think they have been killed?

N

It’s a distinct possibility. More suspicious is Pope Judas, who took a trip to Argentina to visit a local mission. The thing is, the mission was a Presbyterian mission. I doubt the Pope went there for religious reasons. Plus his sermon was a tad bit strange, don’t you think? I have done the research and have found the general location of the mission. We can send you out now, there’s a helicopter out back.

Scene thirteen

(MARK stands outside his house, waiting for NATALIE to arrive. SHE arrives. A van pulls up and two men in ski masks jump out. They put a pillowcase over her head and throw her into the van. The van speeds off)

MARK

Natalie?

(HE walks up to where SHE was standing. On the ground he finds a business card for “Dr. Maybe’s wonderful evil lair, cleverly disguised as an Argentinean mission!”)

I’m coming for you, Natalie! Hold on!

(He runs into the back yard and comes back riding a bicycle with full “protection.” “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” is played (or maybe sung). The bike moves from place to place in different shots. Eventually he winds up in a jungle path. Cam swt to BONDI landing in a helicopter in a clearing. BONDI stands up and creeps off into the jungle.)



Scene fourteen

(BONDI creeps through forest, eventually, HE and MARK bump into each other. BONDI almost shoots him, but MARK recognizes him from the show)

MARK

Wait! I’m a good-guy! Remember me from the multicultural show?

BONDI

No…

MARK

Listen, I biked all the way here to find a girl, Natalie.

BONDI

Biked? What the hell is wrong with you?

MARK

Huh?

BONDI

You biked three thousand miles?

MARK

I stopped in Bangkok!

(BONDI snickers)

Oh grow up!

BONDI

You’re the one that rode a bicycle from Washington to Argentina! Get a car for chrissake!

MARK

(Yelling) That’s not important right now!

(Cam swt to DR. MAYBE in his lair)

DR. MAYBE

I heard someone yelling! That always means intruders. I need a walkie-talkie to call out my henchmen! Oh Walkie-Talkie man!

(HE and THE EVIL COUNCIL sing “Walkie-Talkie Man.”)

Thank, you. Henchmen! Kill the intruders!

(Cam swt to MARK and BONDI. THEY are still arguing.)

MARK

No! The egg came first!

(Gunshot is heard. THEY sing “Jungle Boogie” during the gunfight. At the end of the song, a gun is pointed at MARK’s face. HE is terrified.)

MARK

Don’t shoot me, please!

HENCHMAN

Alright. Do you want my gun? Here, take it! Shoot me, really! Go right ahead!

(MARK takes the gun and shoots HENCHMAN)

MARK

Why did he let me do that?

BONDI

Henchmen never capture or kill anyone until after we’ve gotten inside.

MARK

Oh… Okay, then.

(THEY walk up through the jungle and finally are in sight of the mission)

BONDI

We must be very cautious…

(Extraordinarily overly dramatic music plays that accentuates every step they take. THEY eventually get to the door, where two guards are standing. BONDI takes his gun and kills both of them without even looking. THEY open the door and walk inside, where they are both hit on the back of the head with guns. THEY collapse.)

Scene fifteen

(MARK wakes up in the lair. BONDI is already standing up and MARK jumps up to join him.)

DR. MAYBE

I see you are both awake.

MARK

(Dazed) I’ll take you on! All thirty of you!

(DR. MAYBE silently counts the members of the council, confused.)

BONDI

Let me do the talking, little man.

DR. MAYBE

Welcome to my evil lair!

BONDI

Where’s Professor Korder?!

DR. MAYBE

You idiot! He’s dead!

BONDI

Really? Oh… oops… Well then… Who killed him?

DR. MAYBE

My good friend, Mr. Hau-Yu-Mo-Gu. (HAU-YU-MO-GU raises his hand)

BONDI

So you killed Miss. Info, too?

DR. MAYBE

No, Mr. Bondi, Mr. V. Deo killed her. (DEO raises his hand)

MARK

So he killed the radio star?

DR. MAYBE

Yes! V. Deo killed the radio star!

(THEY sing “Video Killed the Radio Star.”)

DR. MAYBE

You see? (to MARK) You know, I’ve been wondering… who are you?

MARK

My name’s Mark! I came for Natalie!

DR. MAYBE

Natalie?

MARK

Yes, Natalie! Where is she?!

DR. MAYBE

Hau-Yu-Mo-Gu will bring her out for you.

(HAU-YU-MO-GU jumps onto table and rolls across it and then jumps off. HE sneaks ninja-like to the door and returns a moment later with NATALIE, after the council has a brief awkward silence.)

MARK

Natalie!

NATALIE

(SHE looks around the room, at MARK, BONDI, and DR. MAYBE, with a very surprised look on her face.)

(feebly) Hi, Mark… Hi, Jeet.

DR. MAYBE AND MARK

You know them?

(BONDI is completely confused.)

NATALIE

Well, yeah… You see, Mark, I used to go around with this (referring to DR. MAYBE) jerk for a while back in Soho. I left him standing at the altar.

(DR. MAYBE breaks down crying)

MARK

(To NATALIE) You were engaged to Dr. Maybe?

NATALIE

Well…

BONDI

Excuse me one moment, but how do you know me?

NATALIE

It was spring break in Cancun, you were on assignment and I was your “girl.”

BONDI

(Smiles oddly, as if he’s trying not to get in trouble) Oh, of course… I remember now…

NATALIE

You have no idea do you?

BONDI

Not a one…

DR. MAYBE

(HE regains composure and blows his nose) Enough! Listen! It’s time for me to tell you my evil plan!

MARK

Now just wait a minute!

BONDI

Shut up, you idiot! He has to tell us the whole plan before we can object!

(MARK is baffled, but shuts up anyway)

DR. MAYBE

Thank you, Mr. Bondi. My evil council has decided to help me in my plan for world destruction.

MARK

Destruction?!

DR. MAYBE

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway… Each member of the council has a specific purpose in this plan. My good friend Pope Judas has corrupted the Catholics into being immoral and selfish. The bishops were threatened into voting for him. Mr. Ralph, here, became king of the jungle because of election fraud that I carried out. He has enlisted an army of chimps to aid my cause. Sir Limey, there, has increased taxes in the UK.

MARK

Increasing taxes is part of your evil plan?!

(BONDI elbows MARK in the chest)

DR. MAYBE

Our French and Urban divisions could not be here today, seeing that they’re dead. I’m actually not sure what exactly they were doing anyway… Lord and Lady Drugge, our Colombian division, have worked to lace all Colombian drugs with Arsenic.

MARK

So what’s the point?

DR. MAYBE

The point is that I’m trying to destroy the world! I’ve organized a council of evil to carry this out and—

BONDI

But what about Korder?

DR. MAYBE

He was working on a portal! I stole his plans for it!

BONDI

A portal to where?

DR. MAYBE

A portal to Art World! I can destroy art, create art, and live art! I shall destroy all art for without art, people cannot organize!

MARK

Art World?! Can’t you be a little more original?

DR. MAYBE

Shut up you imbecile!

BONDI

I will not let you do this!

DR. MAYBE

Well then I’ll offer you a deal…

BONDI

A deal?

DR. MAYBE

I’m in need of an Indian division. I believe that you, Mr. Bondi, would aid in my plan. Join me and you shall live!

(HE and the EVIL COUNCIL sing “Walkin’ on the Sun.”)

DR. MAYBE

So what do you say?

BONDI

Why do we have to be so mean? Can’t we just get along?

(BONDI and MARK sing “War.”)

DR. MAYBE

(Sarcastically) How heart felt! Guards!

Scene sixteen

(BONDI and MARK are tied up and are sitting next to each other on the floor.)

BONDI

You know what?

MARK

Hm?

BONDI

I remember the first time I killed a man for my job…

MARK

What was it like?

BONDI

Terrible… There was a horrific mix-up and I went on death row.

MARK

Death row?

BONDI

Yeah, I lost my license to kill and all.

(THEY sing “Bohemian Rhapsody.”)

DR. MAYBE

It’s time! Throw them into the portal to remain forevermore!

BONDI

No!

(HENCHMEN throw THE TWO into the portal.)

Scene seventeen

(THEY fade into a watercolor painting.)

BONDI

Where are we?

MARK

I have no idea… I think we might be in a watercolor.

BONDI

This is really weird, man…

MARK

How do we get out?

BONDI

I have no idea.

MARK

How about we just believe?

BONDI

What are you smoking?

MARK

We’re in a world of art. Just believe and we’ll get out!

BONDI

Ok… I’m believing!

(THEY fade away. THEY fade into a Film Noir. BONDI is wearing a detective’s costume and is looking out the window.)

BONDI

(To HIMSELF) It was a rainy day, but not even the rain could wash the grime off this city. I heard a knock on the door. I turned around to see who it was. I knew he looked funny, but I needed to show him just how gosh-darn funny he looked, see?

(HE holds a mirror up to MARK. It is revealed that he is dressed as a dame.)

MARK

(To HIM/HER SELF) I knew I looked funny. I was mad at him for getting the better costume. I supposed it was time to believe again.

(THEY fade away. THEY fade into a Horror Movie. A monster is roaring through the woods. MARK is dressed in a tee-shirt and jeans.)

MARK

Oh my God! It’s a monster!

BONDI

(Off camera) So what? I’ve faced worse.

MARK

(HE looks at BONDI and is suddenly very scared.)

Man, we gotta get outta here.

BONDI

(It is revealed that he is dressed in a “gangsta” way.) Why?

MARK

You’re the black guy! You’re gunna die first!

BONDI

Are you serious? This ain’t bangin’ at all, dawg! Fo shizzle! Why am I talkin’ like dis, son!?

(roar)

MARK

Let’s go!

BONDI

Yo, dawg! You jus’ gotta believe, son!

(THEY fade away. THEY fade into a 70’s Chinese Kung-Fu Movie. In this part, their mouths move, but they do not match what they’re saying.)

MARK

It is an honor to fight you, great master!

BONDI

There is no need for platitudes, we must fight now!

MARK

I see.

(THEY fight in a really cool, choreographed kung fu battle.)

MARK

I cannot defeat you.

BONDI

Believe, you must.

(THEY fade away. THEY fade into Star Wars. MARK is dressed as Darth Vader and BONDI is dressed as Luke Skywalker. They have a light saber battle and BONDI’s light saber is knocked out of his hand and he is kicked down to the ground. MARK holds his light saber to BONDI’s throat.)

MARK

Bondi… I am… confused.

(THEY fade away. They fade into a silent movie. BONDI is dressed as Charlie Chaplin and MARK is dressed in a suit. In this part, everything said is silent, but comes up afterward as a title screen. BONDI walks around holding a dinner tray.)

MARK

What are you doing?

BONDI

I don’t know, but I sure want to throw this pie in your face!

(BONDI throws a pie in MARK’s face. THEY fade away. They go into a dark room. Nothing is visible but darkness.)

MARK

Where are we?

BONDI

Well… There’s no music… This must be MTV!

(THEY fade away. THEY fade into a western. THEY are in a showdown.)

MARK

This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.

BONDI

I know what you’re thinking… Did I fire six shots or seven? Well, in all this commotion, I’ve lost track myself. So the only question is… Do you feel lucky, punk?

MARK

Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

BONDI

Go ahead, meet your maker!

MARK

I didn’t bring you no gold nor silver, just lead.

BONDI

I call that bold-talk for a one-eyed fat man.

MARK

I am not your pappy, you redneck peckerwood!

BONDI

I’m your huckleberry.

MARK

Just stop! This is so weird! (HE plops down on the ground.) We’ll never get out of this world…

BONDI

We will! Listen! Don’t give up. We can get through this!

(HE sings “Everything Will Be Alright.”)

MARK

I have an idea!

BONDI

Huh?

MARK

The Time Machine was a book!

BONDI

Of course!

MARK

You read the book?!

BONDI

Of course not! I downloaded the movie.

MARK

Of course… Listen, if we really try, we can get to it! Once we’re there, we can use the machine to stop him from ever throwing us in here!

BONDI

Good idea.

(THEY clench their faces as if they are in deep concentration. THEY fade away. THEY fade into a parking lot with a delorean.)

MARK

This is Back to the Future, you idiot!

BONDI

And?

MARK

Moron… Get in the car.

(THEY drive off, the car reaches 88 mph and they zoom away.)

Scene eighteen

(THE HENCHMEN throw BONDI and MARK into the portal. A crash is heard outside. BONDI and MARK run in and kill THE HENCHMEN.)

MARK

That was too easy.

BONDI

Don’t worry. We’ve returned from our low point. Everything’s easy from here.

MARK

Right.

BONDI

Alright… It’s time to storm in on the council and thwart their plan at the last second.

MARK

Right.

BONDI

It’s go-time.

MARK

Go-time? Can’t you think of a better motivator?

BONDI

No.

MARK

You’re such a moron.

BONDI

Thanks… I do try.

MARK

Can we go know?

BONDI

Yes, lets!

Scene nineteen

(The double doors to the Evil Lair are burst open by MARK and BONDI, who have assumed cool battle stances with their guns.)

MARK AND BONDI

Freeze!

(MARK drops his gun)

MARK

Can we do that again?

(The Evil Council mutters affirmatively. MARK and BONDI walk back out and then burst back in with the same pose as before.)

MARK AND BONDI

Freeze!

DR. MAYBE

So glad that you could join us, Mr. Bondi! We were just talking about you!

MARK

Where’s Natalie!?

DR. MAYBE

She’s dead!

MARK

(Looks up at sky and gets on his knees) No!

DR. MAYBE

(Laughs) Just kidding! She’s just in a prison cell.

MARK

(Gets up, wipes himself off. Shows no sign of the previous emotion.)

Oh… right… ok, then.

DR. MAYBE

You know, I’d really just love to sit here and chat with you, but I have a world to destroy! Hau-Yu-Mo-Gu and V. Deo! Take care of these fools!

HAU-YU-MO-GU

(Bows) With honor.

(HAU-YU-MO-GU and DEO run up to MARK and BONDI, respectively. MARK shoots both of them and THEY fall backwards on the floor, dead.)

BONDI

Why did you shoot them?!

MARK

They were attacking us!

BONDI

There was supposed to be a big, suspenseful fight!

MARK

Deal with it.

(MARK is suddenly grabbed from behind by RALPH)

RALPH

I got you now!

MARK

Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

(RALPH lets go and stands in shock behind HIM)

RALPH

Whoa, man...That was below the belt, there.

MARK

You wanna go or not?

RALPH

Bring it.

(THEY fight a very short, slow motion Matrix-style fight scene. At one point, MARK, while bending over backwards, falls over. RALPH gives him a good kick in the groin. MARK yelps falsetto.)

(Cam swt to BONDI. A sword nearly slashes his face. The sword’s owner is NOBEARD, who wields a sword in each hand. BONDI gets low and kicks NOBEARD’s left hand. The sword flies up and BONDI catches it. THEY have a swordfight.)

BONDI

(In a Spanish accent) My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

NOBEARD

I didn’t kill your father!

BONDI

I know. I’ve just always wanted to say that. (BONDI stabs NOBEARD.)

NOBEARD

Arr!

BONDI

Arr indeed.

(Cam swt to MARK wiping his hands over RAPLH’s dead body.)

BONDI

(To MARK) Nice.

DR. MAYBE

You may have defeated my assassins and my brutes, but you have not defeated—

(Gun shot is heard. DR. MAYBE falls over, dead. NATALIE is seen behind him.)

MARK

That was unexpected.

NATALIE

Hello, Mark! It is I! Natalie! The true leader of this evil council!

BONDI

No no no no! That was unexpected.

NATALIE

Oh, yes! Dr. Maybe was nothing but a puppet of mine!

MARK

But Natalie!

(Music begins to play, but stops as soon as NATALIE interjects)

NATALIE

If you break into song again, I’ll blow your head off! I’ll blow your goddamn head off, I will!

MARK

Fine, then. I won’t sing.

NATALIE

You better not!

MARK

But how could you be evil?

NATALIE

Do you honestly think a good girl hates musicals?

MARK

Well…

NATALIE

Do you ever see evil girls going to see Billy Joel’s Moving Out?

MARK

Hey! I love Billy Joel!

(He begins to sing “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me.”)

NATALIE

No! (SHE bends over and holds ears)

BONDI

Keep singing! We could disable her long enough to get out of here!

(MARK continues singing while BONDI sneaks out. When MARK finishes, HE realizes that BONDI has left him.)

NATALIE

Ah ha! (SHE points the gun at him) I will give you one chance. Join my evil council and you can live.

MARK

No! I will never join you!

NATALIE

Die, then.

JUDAS

No! (EVERYONE stares at him) You’ll stain the carpet! Do it outside or something.

NATALIE

I am the leader here, Pope Judas!

JUDAS

You will not stain this carpet! It’s Berber!

NATALIE

You dare defy me? (SHE points the gun at JUDAS) Such actions are unforgivable.

(Cam swt to a hand reaching for a gun on the floor)

JUDAS

Can’t we talk this over?

NATALIE

I don’t think so, traitor. Now die.
(A gunshot is heard, but not from NATALIE’s gun. NATALIE falls over to reveal DR. MAYBE standing behind HER.)
MARK
Hold on one second…
DR. MAYBE
Bulletproof vest.
MARK
But it looked like you died!
DR. MAYBE
That was only for dramatic effect.
MARK
Right.
DR. MAYBE
So… Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted… You may have defeated my—where’s Bondi?
MARK
He left.
DR. MAYBE
He left? He can’t just leave!
MARK
Well, he did. Can we move on?
DR. MAYBE
Oh, right… You may have defeated my assassins and my brutes, but you have NOT defeated—
(The double doors burst open and BONDI, N, and AGENTS run into the room)
BONDI
Freeze!
DR. MAYBE
For once can you people just let me finish a sentence?!
N
You’re an evil villain, so you don’t get to finish your line. (Notices JUDAS) Pope Judas?!
JUDAS
(Stands up) I’m Pope Judas.
(Every time someone says “I’m Pope Judas,” HE or SHE stands up and puts their hands on their hips.)
DR. MAYBE
I’m Pope Judas!
LORD AND LADY DRUGGE
I’m Pope Judas!
SIR LIMEY
I’m Pope Judas!
AGENT ONE
I’m Pope Judas!
AGENT TWO
I’m Pope Judas!
RALPH
(Still on floor, but raises hands) I’m Pope Judas!
WALKIE-TALKIE MAN
I’m Pope Judas!
MR. PATEL
Wow, that is strange! I’m Mr. Patel! Nice to meet you, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, Pope Judas, and Pope Judas!
N
Take them away.
(AGENTS arrest the EVIL COUNCIL and drag off the dead people. MARK is left standing alone, very confused. N and BONDI walk up to him.)
MARK
This sucks!
BONDI
Huh?
MARK
This isn’t how it’s supposed to end!
BONDI
What do you mean?
MARK
We’re supposed to get our girls! You didn’t get one, and mine is dead!
BONDI
What do you mean I didn’t get one? (BONDI and N walk away, holding hands. MARK is left alone again.)
BONDI
(Looking back, over his shoulder) Maybe you should ride your bike to the girlfriend store!
(BONDI and N walk out of the doors, laughing. Cam swt to MARK’s perplexed face.)
THE END