Da Hanzel und Gretal

Da Hanzel und Gretal
(as read by Arnold Schwarzenegger)


Hello to you there. My name is Hanzel. You would know me from the story, ya? Me und little, Gretal, lost in the woods und captured by the witch…ya, the whole fairy tale, because that is what it is, a girlie-man fairy tale. Ya, let me tell you. Hear me now, und listen to me later.

My Poppa was not a woodcutter man, he was the shoe-shining boy und we were very poor. We never went to the school und stayed home all day. Gretal practiced gymnastics, und I worked with the bodybuilding techniques.

Ya, we would stand out on the street corner begging for the money there. Gretal would do the flips and I would lift the weights above my head with my huge muscles bulging und making the little girlie men stare at me with the envy in their eyes.

In those days, there were not so many of the peoples that had the interest in the bodybuilding und the gymnastics, und we did not make too many of the pennies. Ya, so Gretal und me ran away from the home there. Ya, we could not take it anymore there. We were hungry childrens with the hunger pains in our stomachs und our muscles like the wet noodles. For many days, we wandered around, begging for the raw meat.

Ya, so one day, we stopped at a little Bavarian Rest Area und saw smoke rising above the forest there. “Look, Gretal,” I said. “A smoking chimney there deep in the woods, ya?”

“Ya, Hanzel, let us go there.”

Ya, so after the using of the restroom there, we walked into the wilderness und got lost in the woods with all the trees. Ya, and don’t believe that part about the girlie breadcrumbs. Ya, I tell you now, what I left was a trail of toilet paper that was stuck to my shoe from the restroom. Ya, because they don’t keep those restrooms in the mountains very clean, you know.

Ya, then we saw this house. But it was not made of the candy or the girlie gingerbread mans. No. It was made of the trees, ya, and the wood, just like all the other houses. Ya, I tell you now, have you ever seen a house made with the candy? Ya, me neither.

I knocked on the door and this old woman comes out. Ya, und she is bent over there like a palsied pasty pretzel gurl, und she says, “Banging…banging…on my house. Who is banging…hey, what the hell duya want anyway?”

“I am the Hanzel und this is Gretal, old granny lady. We are here to pump (clap) you up!”

“Oh…okay, well, come on in then.”

Ya, so we stayed there for six months with the granny woman there. Her name was the Esmerelda. Gretal went to work serving the fabulous meals of raw meat und pure protein, while I trained und worked with the old woman until she begins to fill out und develop the massive muscles there.

Ya, I tell you, I beefed up her biceps und triceps; then worked for weeks on her deltoids and sartorius; I slaved over her rectus abdominis until it bulged und glistened with the sweat. All her muscles began to protrude like she was becoming this Gigantic Granny Goddess or something. Ya, now she had the Herculean body strength all over her body.

Ya, then when our work there was almost through, who should be there but our own dear Poppa. He said he had been looking for us everywhere und never gave up the hope of the finding us. Ya, then there was the huge celebration there, und Gretal did the backward flips und I bench-pressed the granny lady above my head with one arm.

Ya, then when Poppa saw the muscles bulging on the granny lady there, he fell immediately in love with hers. Ya, then they had the marriage und we all lived the happily ever after making the gingerbread und the raw meat cookies. Und that's the whole story.

Ya, believe me now, und listen to me later.