a contemplation day

Pieces, jagged little slivers of thoughts spinning in the vortex that is my mind, spinning like the fragments of a shattered glass caught in the eye of the storm, moving constantly flitting around, too small to catch, too sharp to hold.
A contemplation day. I might as well put them on my calendar; I have little series of days that always follow the same pattern. Two, maybe three, depression days when I sink into a sullen quiet gray, a mire sucking me down into nothingness, then a high day, maybe two, when I soar with abandon, ignoring everything and everyone too have a day of bliss and pure euphoria. Then a contemplation day, sometimes as many as 3 or 4 where my mind reaches a medium place and the thoughts start pouring in, my head tries desperately to sort and file all this information, but instead feels like a sieve, the thousands of thoughts and ideas pouring straight through to be lost amid the dust bunnies under my desk.
What is happening, where am I, why do I feel this way, what does it mean to feel, why am I feeling, what am I feeling. Questions hundreds and thousands of questions but so few answers, where are my answers, why do I do this, what is life, who is God, what is love, why can’t I make myself love him…
Head resting on white concrete walls, the morning cold still seeping through stone into my aching skull. As I sit here legs splayed in a totally unladylike position, eyes staring into infinitesimally small galaxies. What am I doing I wonder, why am I here …and that is what it all comes down too, why am I here…why am I here… why am I here… why am I here…
Big fat globs of warm water shooting from the rusting shower head run down my fingers, I stand shoulders slightly slumped, skin beginning to burn where the water starts to heat. I study my toes half-heartedly, mind so overloaded that interest is becoming more of a state than an emotion. I’ve got ten toes, oddly enough, five on each foot. I’ve got a big one and then successively smaller ones on one foot, and a small one then successively bigger ones on the other foot. Amazing, I think, that some chance of evolution would give me the exact amount of toes that everyone else has… simply amazing. I continue my gaze, scanning the surface of my skin, admiring the tiny freckles and barely noticeable indents… I think casually about cutting into the soft organ encompassing my bones and muscles. For a half second it sounds like an intriguing idea, with the double benefits of being able to catch a glimpse at the inner workings of the secret universe under my skin, and the pleasure of watching tiny rivulets of blood mix with the shower water and flow away down the drain to give life to some foreign bacteria in the sewage tank. Indeed the thought captivated me so that my hand moved towards the razor at the shelf, but then I thought better of my flawless idea, remembering the cleanup required for such a heedless action. I finish my shower quietly forcing my thoughts to only the most immediate of tasks, running soap over my body and rinsing shampoo suds out of my scalp.
Long hours laboring in math class begin to take their toll. I start seeing quadratic equations and square roots of i in my head as my tired conscious continues to unravel the mysteries of the world. I begin to wonder if this constant fascinated awe, and mind numbing fatigue, isn’t exactly what the great minds such as Einstein and Newton had to deal with everyday. What is the purpose of it all, when will I get some answers to these terrifying questions that keep presenting themselves for inspection.
Historical dates swirl in and out of algebraic expressions and diagramed sentences worm their way into chemical alliances and environmental statistics. Speaking of the environment; why, I wonder, do humans think they are so special as to be the only species deserving of life and freedom. Why can’t people see that an action against one species will affect every species on earth. Life is a big circle. The death of a mouse causes a hawk to starve, which causes the overpopulation of snakes who then destroy an entire shrew population, whose loss causes the biotic environment to starve, which results in loss of resources for us, a complicated train of events that begins with the simple death of a mouse.
Back in the hall, scurrying rats (humans) running to their carefully allotted time schedules. I spread fake smiles across the place where my personality should be. I watch intrigued as hundreds of others do the same. I stop for a moment watching, as the superficial children try to play lover, they feel the need, the odd force pulling at some emotion in their souls, but the truth of it has yet to bloom, they merely suck at each others lips and faces, digging hands unceremoniously into shirts and pants. Hiding their cheap rebellion behind locker doors and crowds of insecure hormones. They think in their minds that this is the ultimate testimony of their love, but really you can watch and see that this blazing love affair contains little love and more confusion. They will drag their dripping bodies into some dark corner and spend a few moments pulling and pushing body parts together trying desperately to make this new person fit into their hearts empty space. They pound mindlessly into each other’s bodies trying to make a love where there is none. It only lasts as long as a cheap candle, a tiny flicker of supposed passion and then I see them again hiding tears behind their carefully planned smiles and jokes. I myself have participated in this wild dance for a chance at love. I look at the girl walking past me, bright star specks twinkle in the tears at the corners of her eyes, barely noticeable to the average person, I see her and I’m glad I didn’t carry it as far as she. The girl continues past me, a gentle bulge of skin pushing out from under her shirt the signs beginning to show of the extra life force she has so suddenly attained. On days like these I remember why I value my virginity.

~ Pyragus M.