Full House: 'Till Death do us Part

Full House: Till Death do us Part

Scene I: The Kitchen

(Obnoxious theme song plays. Just kiddin')

Danny: Good morning, family!

Jesse: Why don't you just die already?

Danny: Because I took my pills! Is someone being a sourpuss?

Jesse: Why are you even on this show?

Danny: Why, this isn't a TV show, it's real life!

Jesse: God, you suck.

(ENTER DJ)

DJ: Mom, tell Stephanie to quit barging into my room! I deserve privacy you know!

Danny: DJ, for the last time, I am a guy, and I am straight. Your mom died of...

DJ: We all know you killed her.

(ENTER Stephanie)

Stephanie: How rude! Why would you argue with your mother like that?

Danny: I'm your dad, pumpkin!

Stephanie: I'm not a pumpkin, retard!

DJ: Hey, learn to stay out of my room for once, will you?

Stephanie: It was at one time MY room too, so I can do what I want!

(Ranger Joe theme song plays)

DJ: If I heard that damn song one more time, I'll kill you all!

Danny: Princess, no foul language...

DJ: F*CK OFF!!!

(ENTER Joey)

Joey: What the heck is going on here?

Danny: Just a little family tiff is all...

DJ: Screw you!

Jesse: Why is this show still on the air?

Joey: Why, this is not just a show! This is a comedy!

Stephanie: Well, you're not that funny! Everybody knows I'm the funniest!

Danny: Cut it out, this is not a television show!

Jesse: What would you know?

(ENTER Becky)

Becky: You guys! Upstairs! Hurry! Something terrible is happening!






Scene II: Michelle's/Stephanie's Room

Danny: What is it? What is it?

Becky: Michelle...is.............CRYING!!!

Michelle: You are all in huge trouble for making me cry! I asked for 500 cookies, and you gave me 50!

Jesse: Please, Michelle honey, we couldn't afford it! Please spare us!

Michelle: Silence, peasants!

*DJ finally finished running up the stairs, but Stephanie slams the door before she can enter*

DJ: *banging on door* LET ME IN!!!

Stephanie: This is my room, so go away!

DJ: You f*ckin' b*tch!

(DJ pulls the hinges right off the door, and the force sends her flying backwards with the door, and she tumbles down the stairs, screaming. She lands on her neck at the base of the stairs and is crushed by the door)

(DJ DIES)








Scene 3: The Base of the Stairs

Danny: Noooooooo! She was too young!

Joey: Stephanie, you killed DJ!

Stephanie: No, she killed herself! If she had let me into her room to begin with, then I wouldn't have locked her out! It's called Karma, look it up some time, genius!

Jesse: And to think her last words were "You f*ckin' b*tch"...

Michelle: Hey, are we forgetting what's truly important? ME!

Danny: Michelle, DJ is dead!

Michelle: Good, one less mouth to feed! Now, you still owe me 450 cookies! Chop chop, peasants!

Joey: Everybody, be quiet! I think I hear something!

Jesse: WHAT!?!?!?!?!

Joey: Shhh! Listen!

*A ticking noise is heard*

Jesse: Oh my god, it's a bomb!

Joey: And it's coming from the basement!

Becky: I'm going upstairs to check up on Nickie and Alex!

(EXIT Becky)

Danny: What are we gona do? There's a bomb in my house!

Jesse: It may be OK, we just have to send someone down there to defuse it!

Stephanie: Send someone down whom everyone hates on this show!

*Everybody turns to Michelle*

Michelle: Oh no you don't, peasants!

Joey: FREEDOM!!!

Jesse: LIBERTY!!!

Stephanie: PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!!!

(The three push Michelle down the basement stairs; Jesse blocks off the door so Michelle can't get back up)
















Scene IV: The Basement

Michelle: I just have to defuse the bomb, and I can go back to my normal life!

(Michelle walks toward the furnace, the ticking growing louder)

Michelle: There it is! The bomb!

(The bomb was in the furnace...60 seconds left)

Michelle: I better hurry! This look like the right button!

(Michelle presses the button...45 seconds were lost as a result!)

Michelle: 15 f*cking seconds? *shouting upstairs* I'LL REMEMBER THIS, PEASANTS!!!

(The bomb explodes)

(Michelle DIES)










Scene V: Main Floor

(The explosive impact is not how they expected, the ground just briefly shook)

Danny: No! Two of my angels, gone!

Stephanie: Don't worry, mom, I'm still here!

Jesse: We're free!

Joey: The tyranny is over!

Danny: You are horrible people! ALL of you!

(ENTER Becky)

Becky: J-J-J-J-J-Jesse! N-Nickie and Alex have been k-k-k-k-k-kidnapped! They aren't here!

Jesse: No! Show me! I want proof! I won't let this happen to my children! I won't!







Scene VI: Nickie and Alex's Room

Jesse: Oh my god! They are gone!

Becky: And look! The window is cracked open, and it wasnt like that when they were here! What is it with today?

Jesse: I can't take this anymore!

(Lunges towards window and jumps out, shattering the window)

(Jesse DIES)

Becky: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Becky jumps out the same window)

(Becky DIES)














Scene VII: The Main Floor

Joey: Did you hear that? It sounded like glass was shattered! A WINDOW!!!

(Joey runs upstairs)













Scene VIII: Hallway

(Joey runs through the hallways, and his bedroom door cracks open)

Voice: Psst, Joey! Come here!

Joey: What? Who are you!? Colonel Sanders, is that you?

Voice: Come in and find out...heh heh...







Scene IX: Joey's Room

Joey: OK, I'm here, what do you want?

(Mr. Woodchuck steps out from the darkness)

Mr. Woodchuck: Wow, you really do have a brain made of........wood!

Joey: Heavens to Betsy, you're alive! But you're just a puppet!

Mr. Woodchuck: I'm just a puppet? No, I am also your career! Your life!

Joey: You're also my friend, don't forget!

Mr. Woodchuck: I'm your friend, yet I'm just a puppet?

Joey: Well, I didn't mean it that way.

Mr. Woodchuck: Our friendship never existed and you know it! Joseph, you are going down!

(Mr. Woodchuck attacks Joey)

Joey: Please, Mr. Woodchuck!

Mr. Woodchuck: It's too late for you!

("Ranger Joe" theme plays in a minor keep, Mr. Woodchuck continues attacking Joey)

(Joey DIES)







Scene X: The Main Floor

Danny: This is taking too long! I better run off for help!

Stephanie: But mom, you'll never make it!

Danny: Yes, I will, now get me my purse!

Stephanie: This is crazy!!!!

Danny: I'll go start the car up, you run off and get what I've asked you to get!

Stephanie: Yes ma'am!

(EXIT Danny)

Stephanie: OK, I found it!

(An explosion is heard outside)

Stephanie: What was THAT?

(Stephanie notices that the car is now just burning metal)

(Danny DIES)

Stephanie: This is too crazy!

(Stephanie runs outside, screaming and pulling her hair, and she is hit by a bus)

(Stephanie DIES)






Scene XI: Full House stage

Director: OK crew, rise and shine!

(DJ stands up from under the door, Jesse and Becky walk in through the back door carrying Nickie and Alex, Joey walks downstairs, and Danny and Stephanie enter through the front door)

Jesse: See, it is just a show!

Danny: I only said that it wasn't so that you'd think all was real! Ain't I clever!

(Audience boos Saget)

Audience member: But what about Michelle?

(Everybody turns to notice that the basement is still ablaze)

Joey: Well, most of it was acting. Who really liked here anyway!

(Audience cheers)