Where You Belong - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Author's note: Although finished form first page to last, this story is still in the editing phase, so please bear with me. Many things are still liable to change. Which makes your input that much more important :) Enjoy!

The moment Xan’s head hit the pillow the terrible images started to come down upon him. It was excruciating. He saw the terrified face of his friend looking back at him, standing on the edge of the roof. He was just about to step off the ledge, but Xan wasn’t about to let his best friend take his life. They had been growing distant from each other during the last few weeks, but whatever Alan’s reasons were, Xan was intent on helping him.

He dashed the last few meters and grabbed his hand, but now that he was near enough, he saw genuine fear in his eyes. They struggled as a pair of unseen eyes watched from afar. The mystery man disappeared as a new presence could be felt approaching. It was Marcus, Xan’s lifelong rival and sworn enemy. He shouted out, and the exclamation was just enough for Xan to lose his hand-lock on Alan. Marcus barely had time to realize what was going on when Alan fell off the five-floor building.

Xan screamed, and with this scream he woke up.

It had become somewhat of a ritual for him; to relive these events every night and he even considered doing something terrible to get the pictures out of his mind.

It was the same every night and every time he saw it was like losing Alan all over again. His thoughts drifted to Marcus. Marcus. The very thought of that name made him flinch. Why did he show up when he did? It was his fault that Alan was gone! Xan concentrated, trying to erase the memory, but the more he tried the worse it got…

He paced the walls of his tiny cell, lifeless and all hope long gone. It was Marcus’ testimony that sentenced him to eight years in jail, for murder of Alan Morris. Yes, the sentence had been reduced to four years due to Xan being a juvenile, but at the age of sixteen, four years was a perspective that couldn’t be described as anything but catastrophic.

With no family to return to and no proper education, Xan’s post-prison prospects weren’t that great. He had nothing to look forward to and his status as the ‘man to get’ in the juvenile prison made sure he wouldn’t fit in.

Conflict swept across him wherever he went and even though he was a guy who could handle himself pretty well in a fight, the odds were against him.

It had been two years since the trial and knowing that he must ‘survive’ here for another two years was a nightmare.

It was still 4 am and one full hour remained until his door would open and he would be allowed to go to the main hall. Usually he’d stay inside his cell and only go out to eat, which was enough trouble. Any trip outside the safety of his cell meant definite beatings. But today Xan would run down to the gym and work off a little steam before everyone else woke up and hopefully return to his ‘home’ without incident.

Xan stood up and glanced over at the vacant bunk opposite of his. It had been a week since his cellmate was released. They didn’t exactly get along, but now that he was gone, the place was lonelier than ever.

He walked over to the sink and washed his face, taking a gulp of cold water, but immediately regretting it. He could taste the excess of iron caused by poor plumbing and his face screwed up as he felt the blood-like taste spread to the corners of his mouth. He swallowed hard, but his mouth was still full of the disgusting aftertaste.

With another pained look, he picked up what had once resembled a toothbrush, pulled out out some of the hairs that were on the verge of falling off, and started to brush his teeth. Even with the dim lights, he could clearly see the effects of living in prison on his appearance, in the tiny mirror that hung over the sink. Bruises covered his once kind-looking face, his long mane of black hair was trimmed down to only a couple millimeters and even his green eyes seemed to lose their sparkle.

‘This isn’t me,’ he thought as he put down his even shabbier-looking toothbrush and rinsed.

He now understood why the animals in the Zoo always looked so much different to those he’d seen photographed in the wild. Those ones had a soul. Something that Xan would also lose if he stayed here any longer.

He wasn’t in the mood of getting into another brawl so the moment the door clicked open he sped towards the gym.

‘Why is it that they always pick fights with me out of the whole lot?’ It was clear that he could outmatch anyone in block D man to man, but they always came in groups. Maybe to satisfy their longing for violence, to beat out their energy, or maybe just to get over the fact that this younger guy was stronger than them individually.

He reached the gym without incident and immediately started his usual training routine. By the time the lights came on fully two hours later, he was exhausted. On the other hand it was surprising that, early as it was, he was still alone in the gym. Even on the most quiet of days there was always at least one other person there with him. Then he remembered.

‘The new prisoners are arriving today.’

Only mildly interested in what new criminals would be transferred and what trouble came associated with that, he changed and walked back to the main hall.

Not surprisingly, large celebrations were taking place with ‘veteran’ convicts meeting old buddies. Amidst all the celebrating, nobody noticed the shy new girl sitting in the corner, crying. That is, nobody except Xan.

At first he had the urge to go over immediately and see what the problem was, the usual reaction of his far too gentle heart for this sort of place, but then reality began to sink in. She might as well be a murderer making this all a little act, probably one of the prison gang just waiting for him to show some sign of emotion on which ground they could beat the crap out of him. He knew only too well that any sign of weakness would be pounced upon instantly.

Xan tried to ignore her, but finally the compassion within took over and ‘What if’ analysis plagued his mind.

‘What if she is just as scared as I was when I first came here? What if something terrible had happened to her that got her here? What if she had already become a victim of the bloodthirsty gang of Block D?’

He struggled through the crowd to reach the mystery girl he suspected was about a year younger than him, but this just wasn’t his day…

A sharp jab in the back out of the crowd sent him gasping for breath. He looked up, but his assailant was nowhere to be seen. Xan glanced to where the girl had been, far from surprised to see her gone.

‘Perfect!’ Xan winced. ‘Tricked again.’ With a look of frustration, he retreated from the crowd and made for his cell, thinking that he was probably just as predictable as a wolf talking to a sheep.

But the next day he would realize that the girl had nothing to do with the punch. She remained separated from all groups and isolated herself to avoid contact. Xan thought that at least everyone was ignoring her rather than giving her a hard time. The longer he surveyed her, the more he was surprised that someone like her could be in prison. She remained desolate, but in the rare cases where she had to speak, she was very kind and polite. Xan frowned as another cook refused to wait for her to finish a sentence of gratitude and shouted at her for stalling the line. It was clear she had a very bad stutter and it took a huge amount of effort just to say anything other than short monosyllabic replies. What could she have possibly done to get herself into Block D? He didn’t know if it was that, or the sorrowful but to Xan, for some reason, adorable face that produced an immediate predilection for her.

Xan watched the girl for the next few days, picking up fact after fact about her. Except for the cooks, she never talked to anyone, kept her gaze locked on the ground and avoided any sort of contact. Even though the prison didn’t have a set dress code and allowed the inmates to wear what they chose, she remained in the same gray oversized shirt and long skirt she arrived in.

From one of the less hostile inmates he found out that she was sent here after a great fire engulfed her school. She was the only survivor and was accused of starting the fire that killed the three teachers that were left inside at the end of the school day and were supposedly abusing her. The court and, to Xan’s amazement, her own parents who testified against her, thought she did it as revenge for their treatment. Xan refused to believe that she could have done such a thing. Maybe it was his own good nature that just didn’t accept such a sweet and shy creature committing the crime, or his own wrongful accusation and sentence, but he was convinced of her innocence.

Every new bit of information he gathered made him believe this more firmly. Somewhere deep in his heart he had to believe that someone like her couldn’t have done such a thing. The more he observed her and found out from the guards, the more he felt for her. He was told that she cried all night and shouted from her sleep. Being wrongfully imprisoned himself, he knew how terrible it was.

Right now, he was tending to one of the latest victims of the gang’s violent outbursts.

Everyone knew that going to the prison medic meant questions. Questions that would lead to more beatings if answered, so most people just treated their own injuries or looked for help from one of the other prisoners. Xan had enough experience in that department to get himself a medical scholarship. After seeing so many injuries on his own and other people’s bodies he was an expert at patching up the aftershocks of the gang’s self-satisfaction.

This last girl had been cut a few times with the knives the gang had smuggled because she refused to give them some package she had been sent by her parents. Xan made sure he hadn’t overlooked any incisions or bruises, before carefully bandaging her well-treated wounds and giving some advice on how to conceal them from the guards.

He glanced at the new girl who sat in the shadows, as if in solitary confinement. “Why can’t I just do the same for her?” He felt so sorry for her as the pain she was in now was evident. It hurt Xan even more that he couldn’t help her. As long as someone wasn’t beaten to a pulp, the gang would terrorize anyone Xan associated with.

Many times he wanted to just walk over and comfort her. He never had anyone to do so when he came here in the first place and now fully understood why nobody had comforted him then.

Other than the reaction of the gang, he was also afraid he would scare her away; afraid she’d think he was just trying to put her down like all the others had. Little did he know about what was going on in the petite girl’s head that same moment.

She was devastated, still unable to grasp the fact that she was in prison, that her own parents helped get her here, and that even if she somehow managed to get through the two years, people would surely look at her like she was a monster.

Her parents always made her feel unattractive, insignificant and unwanted. She found out that she was adopted only last year and as terrible as it was, she kept telling herself that her real parents were waiting somewhere and would never be so cruel to her as her foster parents were. Throughout her whole life she was surrounded by hateful relatives and bullying classmates, that could make her feel like the most unwanted person on the planet. This treatment led to a complete decimation of her self-esteem and resulted in her stuttering.

Maybe because of this, Julia Madsen never opened her heart up to anyone. She never could, since she never met anyone who actually cared for her. And anyone she grew at least a tiny relation to turned out to be just another bully using her for his own satisfaction. The lack of any happiness and loss of hope was probably why she never gathered the courage to speak with the black-haired boy that was currently occupying all fronts in her mind.

It was a while before lunch and she watched him tending to an injured girl. From the time she saw him she knew he was special, and every time he did one of those friendly gestures or said thoughtful words to all those that needed them she realized how much he didn’t fit in, in a place like this.

All the others were mean and brutal; yet here was this person that was kind and always ready to protect others, even at the expense of creating himself further conflict. Everything he did made Julia like him more and she longed to speak to him.

She wished that once he would notice her pain
and suffering and comfort her. She thought she’d rather be the injured girl and have him treat her injuries than sit here alone.

Tears trickled down her cheeks, as she felt more desolate than ever. She knew that a guy like him, no matter how kind, would recoil at the thought of what she was accused of doing and condemn her. And anyways, nobody ever even cared she existed, let alone liked her, why should he?

This was her artificially molded non-personality that her parents created…

Her parents and brother always made it clear that she was ugly so after hearing it a thousand times she never even doubted it.

‘He deserves a beautiful and strong girl for what he does and the way he is… not an ugly weakling like me…’

She saw him help the girl stand and give her a sincere smile before being interrupted by the lunch bell. She wiped her tears and made her way to the hateful cooks…

The food was as bad as any day but today Xan had completely different things on his mind than burnt porridge.

The new girl looked especially gloomy sitting in the corner that now became like a second home for her. Her clothes were scruffy, her hair tangled, and her eyes had distinct signs of tears, yet to Xan she was the most tender and delicate creature alive.

He often stole away glances at her, not knowing that she was doing the same. It was a matter of coincidence that their eyes never met. Even with her untended exterior, Xan knew that she was beautiful. If a beautiful girl looked so miserable, he couldn’t imagine how he must have looked his first days in Block D. There was no doubt that the confinement of prison was devastating an already fragile mind.

‘Oh God, I don’t even know her name yet and I’m already thinking about her!’

Only too late he realized that his dreamy state let his guard down to a dangerous level. A quick slash of the kitchen knife and a couple of punches later he was lying on the floor of the dining hall frantically trying to cover the great incision across his left thigh. Pain seared throughout his body and he closed his eyes tight, trying to concentrate on not showing any sign of weakness. He bit his lip so he wouldn’t produce any groan of pain, which would surely mean a situation turn… of course for the worse. Not being given the satisfaction of seeing Xan struggle, they turned and walked off in conversation.

The cut on his thigh burned severely and his vision was beginning to blur. In this desperate state he noticed the figure of a girl hurrying towards him.

Realizing who it was, he fumbled to get a handkerchief to cover his wound. This was definitely not the way he wanted to meet her. As he transferred his weight on his hands a sharp jab of pain swept across his shoulder and ribs: his upper body was battered just as much as his leg. Trying to ignore the way every piece of his body seemed to hurt he tried to pull himself up to his feet… unsuccessfully. She ran towards him, clearly not used to the things that went on here. He sat up and tried to look better than he currently felt.

‘A-are y-you…’ Julia began but her stutter caused her to stop mid-sentence and bite her lip. ‘You big dork, he’s lying there all beaten and you don’t even have the courage to talk to him.’

‘D-do y-you...’ she tried again unsuccessfully. ‘Say something you doofus! And stop staring at the ground!’

‘D-do you n-need some h-help?’ she tried for the third time, looking up to meet his eyes.

For the first time Xan could see her beautiful face. He couldn’t help but stare into those deep blue pools of concern that were her eyes.

‘She’s so beautiful…’ he thought. She must have noticed something in the way he looked at her and added an adorable shy smile to the already magnificent face that Xan was engulfed by, before suddenly being very interested in the tips of her shoes.

‘Um… S-so, you r-really don’t want any help?’

‘He isn’t even listening to me. He probably knows why I was sent here and wants nothing to do with me. How could I have thought someone as cool would even notice me. He’s probably just going to laugh at my futility like everyone else does…’

‘Um, sure, that would be great… I mean if you don’t mind a little blood…’ Xan answered, zapping back to reality.

‘He talked to me! He talked to me! Come on, say something you doofus… anything, or just help him, just don’t make a complete fool of yourself.’

She didn’t have to. Brian, a juvenile rapist and drug addict, had noticed what was going on and decided he was going to do it for her.

‘Well, well, well, if it isn’t Little Miss Sensitive,’ he gave a bark-like laugh at his own ‘brilliant’ joke. ‘So whacha been doin’, cryin’ all night’gain? Think ya don’t belong here do ya? Just face it yer stuck here just like the rest of us and ya aint getting’out. No matter how much ya cry its not gonna help ya.’

‘Great, now he’ll think I’m just a weakling, crying all night… maybe I am…he’s right…’

‘Back off!’ Xan growled. ‘Get the hell out of here before I actually do what I was sent here for!’

Brian was alone now, no longer in the safety of his gang and, knowing he could get a nasty beating even from an injured Xan, he trailed off.

‘Sorry about him, one day I’m really gonna beat that kinda stuff out of him…’ Xan coughed.

‘D-don’t talk, you need some t-treatment…’ Julia began…

‘Oh great Jule, you did it again: you said exactly what you didn’t want to! Oh please talk, please say something… anything. Anything that doesn’t include shouting or laughing at me and breaking my heart…’

‘No, no I can’t go to the infirmary. They’d, they’d only make it worse…’ Xan didn’t know if she would understand what would happen if security found out about the gang, but she seemed to get it immediately.

‘T-they a-are probably waiting…’ she paused but Xan waited patiently knowing how hard it was for her to express herself. With a concentrated, but grateful look, Julia continued: ‘w-waiting to see you limp back t-to y-your cell. Um… y-you can come to mine if y-you…’ she trailed off.

It happened. Now her heart was opened up and ready to be broken… like it always was. ‘I… I m-mean only if y-you want to…’ she stopped again cursing her family and also cause of her stuttering. How could someone ever accept such a confused offer?

‘She looks so cute and vulnerable when she is talking,’ Xan thought, ‘and who could say no to a girl as adorable? Oh come on man, don’t get your hopes up, she just wants to help with your injuries… she can’t be interested. After everything she must have gone through…’

‘I mean… y-you d-don’t have t-to…’

Xan suddenly realizing all of the sweet answers he had for her he had said only in his mind picked just the worst one…

‘No, of coarse I do, thanks,’ he cursed himself and added, ‘that’s really sweet of you!’

He tried to ease her anxiety and reached for her hand. It was smooth and soft, yet just as fragile as her character…

‘He’s touching my hand, he’s not making fun of me and… and he thinks I’m sweet!’

‘Y-you w-will be ok,’ Julia whispered determinedly and ran her free hand over one of the bruises he had on his arm.

She had put on that same concentrated look which made Xan’s insides give a little jolt. He couldn’t help notice how adorable she was when she tried to focus and how gentle her touch had been. It was the kind of touch he hadn’t felt since his mother died…

Julia noticed the dazed look on his face and mistook it for weariness from injury and slowly helped him stand, making sure she was as careful as possible not to hurt him. When he was finally firm on his feet she instinctively put a hand around his shoulder to help him keep balance. She gave a little gasp when their hands met and fingers entwined. Her instincts told her to pull away but something deep inside stopped her.

‘This is so right, so perfect; it must be a dream. Please don’t wake me up. There is someone here that doesn’t think I’m a complete loser.’

‘Oh, yeah and by the way, my name’s Xan,’ he smiled.

‘Y-yeah, I know. I-I’m Jul-Julia…’ she trailed off staring down at her shoes as if they were the only thing left in the universe.

‘I’m so pathetic, I can’t even say my name right…’

‘Julie, you don’t have to be nervous around me. I won’t bite you or anything.’

At that Julia looked up, a genuine smile on her face.