Confessions

This is an excerpt from a story I’m working on and I would like to know what you think of it.
There are hints in this piece, towards several key story lines that I don’t include here now. So I’ll have to ask you all to try to pass over those, knowing only that the entire story has a very fantastic set of characters and plots. This is just a small part of what I’ve already done but I’d like to know what you think about this ‘scene.’

Steve goes out into town to search for Shelley and finds her outside a store smoking a cigarette.
Shelley seeing Steve approach quickly overcomes her clouding emotions and shows her ‘no problems’ face- “Steve what are doing here?”
Steve can see this but also caught her facial expressions before she changed them. He thinks, ‘she’s feeling as I do but hasn’t made peace with it, well I’ll play it her way for as long as I can.’
Steve- “You know it’s easy to find you with that cloud of misery floating above you like smoke.”
Shelley partially dodging but also playing with his words- “It is smoke.”
Steve- “Ah.”
Shelley- “So why were you trying to find me.”
Steve summing up his thoughts and feelings- “To be blunt…”
Shelley does notice his preparation, and can guess at what it will be. She dodges again but not completely deliberately- “No! Rules of engagement. No…”
Steve following her again- “…Warning the other of an incoming observation or truth.” Shelley- “Yah it takes the fun out of our conversations.”
Steve- “Ok. The truth is that we both have more fun when we’re together than we do when we’re apart.”
Shelley enjoying this verbal tennis match- “Well we can’t have fun apart unless you’re a closet psychic.”
Steve also enjoying this besides what is on his mind- “You know what I mean.”
Shelley- “So, you think our conversations are fun?”
Steve- “Well they’re certainly enlightening, spiritual…”
Shelley with a smirk- “…Intimate.”
Steve- “Your right they aren’t fun our conversations are completely devoid of fun.
Seriously I’ve been sitting in crowded house thinking about how, if you were there, we could enjoy the time commenting on all the absurdities around us. I was ready to go out and find you but then I realized that we have some absurdities between ourselves. Why do we break off at 3:00 everyday when we both want to stay together? Why don’t we want to recognize just how we feel about each other? What kind of a friendship do we have?” The last question is asked softly, then his voice still soft- “Since the day we met we have discussed and expressed a part of ourselves that neither of us has ever talked about before, and we both found that we relate to each other’s,” straining for the right word, “soul. We have the same personality, we distrust the same things in people, and we see things no one else has the time for. We have become trusted friends, but why does this friendship end when the last school bell rings. Shelley, I need to tell you things, things I have been fighting with since we separated for the summer. They have been trying to take over and I’ve been fighting them until I saw what I was doing, saw how ridiculous it was. Every time we are apart I feel so lonely. Now I have tried to bury this, I have tried to ignore it, but I don’t want to do that anymore because I’m tired of it. So I have let all that I feel take over, I have admitted it to myself now I need to admit it to you. I like you Shelley, I like being with you, but more than that I need you. I need you, the person who not only sees the part of me that I don’t let out, but understands it because she is the same way.”
Shelley dodging Steve’s confession, this is obvious to Steve as well as to herself, but she still does it- “You don’t need me you have a loving family and two friends you’re devoted to already.”
Steve following Shelley’s sidetrack after a correction- “I do need you.” He watches how this affects Shelley. She takes it to her heart but she’s trying to hide it. “They can’t appreciate this part of me. Yes I’m devoted to them, devoted to keeping them safe, I always have been, because I know what people are like and what they can do.”
Shelley- “How do you, how can you know what people are like you haven’t been out there you’ve been here. You haven’t seen the shit people do to each other!”
Steve- “You know damn well I have never lied to you and that I never will. You know that what I have told you about myself is real. That’s just the beginning. You see me as a contradiction, how can I feel the same things you feel when you know that it isn’t possible for me to have the experiences that you have had. I want to tell you everything but I can’t, not if we’re going to be 9 to 5 friends.”
Shelley dropping the anger because it really is not hers- “I want it to be more. All the things you feel I feel. I want those conversations with you I enjoy them. I need them. I need to feel that I am not alone, that someone understands me. And I love ‘it’ the feeling we both feel when we are together the feeling we won’t recognize.” Then Shelley goes off again on her sidetrack. “But your life doesn’t make sense. You live in luxury how could you know what bastards people are.”
Steve thought they were progressing but sees that they haven’t- “I…”
Shelley seeing what she is doing and tries to quit stopping herself- “I know, I know, you have never lied to me. I know you’re being honest with me. But every once in a while a spark of me gets suspicious. I want to know why you can relate to what I’ve experienced, I need to know.”
Steve calmly- “I want you to know but I can’t tell you yet. We need to be much closer, we need to spend more time together, but we can’t if you have to run off everyday at 3:00.” Now Steve’s voice rises to deal with the absurdity he can’t understand- “Why can’t we hang out longer? Why is it so important for you to run back to your parents?”
Shelley loudly but not due to anger, she is honestly surprised that Steve doesn’t know- “You don’t have a fucking clue, do you? I mean you’re completely in the dark. My parents don’t live here. I don’t know if they are even alive. I’m a ward of the state. I’m staying with my adopted legal guardians, they are not my parents.”
Steve confused, this truth doesn’t explain anything- “Then why do you have to be back home…”
Shelley- “Because I’ve been in such deep shit in the past that if I don’t kiss their ass and return straight from school they have threatened to kick me back to Seattle as a miscreant youth. All the dumb-assed things I have done in my life I did so that I could find something stable to hold on to. And now that I’m here and I found you and things are starting to look stable they are threatening to end all of it.”
Steve- “So why are you folding to them? You’re holding on to them rather than reaching out for the life that you want. Why? You have been rebellious in the past, but now when you really have something to rebel against you’re not. Don’t let them end all of it. Why are you protecting them?” Steve is not accusing Shelley of anything but he knows that there is something that she is hiding, something about her foster family.
Shelley partly not wanting to admit that she sees what Steve is thinking- “What am I hiding?”
STEVE softer- “That maybe your family deserves a fight.” Maybe its not overprotection, maybe Shelley is not just trying to be a good daughter. Steve has seen glimpses of it from Shelley, after she came back from her summer break. Sometimes when she looked at the waiting car after the end of the day Steve saw sadness, though she held it back very good. Maybe it was more than sadness maybe there was fear. “I see how happy you are when we’re facing the world together and how much you dread the time when you have to go back home. You keep your home life locked away not just because of the curfews. You don’t want me to see something; you don’t want me to see what it is that you are feeling. You don’t want me to see that they are causing you real pain.”
Shelley has been fearing that Steve is on to something, something that she doesn’t want to admit but is realizing that she has to. It is starting to get easier to tell him but then her feelings get locked away as her defensives come up. “And what about you,” she screams. “You don’t let your home-life shine through. Why do you want to know about mine what’s so secret about yours? Dammit Steve you can’t have it so one sided, you’ve got secrets too.”
Steve- “My secrets aren’t locked up because they’re causing me pain! I want to share them with you, I don’t like keeping secrets, especially from you, but I can’t tell you until I completely trust you! And I can’t trust you if you’re not honest with yourself. I am your friend dammit; I am not trying to hurt you, I am not trying to take advantage of you. I see that you’re in pain, and I see that who’s causing it is going to ruin what you feel is the best thing in your life. Even if you won’t admit it and even if you won’t fight it, I will, because I am not going to let you disappear from my life especially if that’s not what you want.”
Shelley’s defensives are gone now, because she knows that Steve is right. He has been her friend and she has been hiding her pain from him. Her tears come as she admits it to herself. She’s been avoiding it, her practical side has been pushing it away though she knows how good it feels, but for some reason she keeps fighting it. But Shelley can still see the reality of her situation. She may have moved, she may have a family, but right now she is in the same place that she’s been in all her life. But not just a few hours ago she chose the life that she wants to have, a real life with happiness and trust and friendship. So why is she still holding on to a chance that has long since crumpled to dust. Whom was she protecting? It wasn’t herself; her friendship with Steve has brought her what she has been searching for her whole life. Is she protecting the guardians, if so why? That is what Shelley is asking herself.
Steve giving her advice she already knows, “They don’t deserve it.”
Shelley slowly turns away from Steve trying to hide from him her tears. She then slowly walks across the deserted street to a bench overlooking the river. Steve is never more than two feet away from her. He understands what Shelley is feeling and what she is thinking, not through telepathy but by observation. Shelley walks up to the wrought iron fence and stares out across a thousand yards, Steve stops right beside her and follows her gaze.
Shelley thinks hard about herself; she tries to find the answer to why she is still holding back. Maybe its just that act, putting all your trust, all your emotions into someone else’s hands, but her trust is already there and her emotions have been there for some time. The answer that she is searching for doesn’t really matter and she sees it. It seems like there is such a large barrier in front of her, but she knows now that there really isn’t. In the same moment when things seem so difficult all of a sudden they don’t. There is no difficulty, no stress, and no uncertainty; there is only the truth; what she knows, what she feels, what she wants. The choice has been made and she knows it to be the right one. Now she just has to confess it.
Steve turning to face Shelley in a soft voice full of all that he feels- “I need you Shelley. You complete me and I don’t want to exist without you.” Softer still- “And I know that you feel the same way.”
More tears fall down her face as she looks at Steve and understands exactly what he’s feeling as she feels the same way. She walks to the bench and sits down. Steve sits down right beside her, still focused on her. She breaks down her barriers for the last time. She has let her buried and ignored feelings go, she is no longer fighting them.
Shelley sighs letting the breath soothe her. Her eyelids squeeze out more tears but the tempest inside her has been calmed by her feelings towards Steve.
Shelley looks at Steve through her tears and with a smile- “I’m so happy we’re together again, I missed you so much. I didn’t know; really know how I felt about you until after I left. But as I was driven off I could see everything, clearly. You are so much more to me than my only friend. You’re my best friend. You understand me completely. No one else has ever wanted to but you do. You enjoy understanding me and I enjoy understanding you, because we both saw ourselves in each other, and we never thought we would find a person with the same ideas, beliefs, the same heart. I never wanted to go back to a place as much as I did when I was pulled away, and right then I swore stronger than I had sworn earlier to not let you disappear. When I saw you again I knew at the first instant that we would not let each go ever again, and that comforted me just as much as being with you again. Things have grown since then and I’ve been fighting them, but not anymore.” She pauses to wipe the tears from her cheeks and to smile again at Steve. “I don’t want to fight you, not when I want you,” her voice faltered a bit at that confession, “not when I need you so much. I need you Steve. I want to be with you more than just the day; I want us unrestrained by the wants of bastards. I don’t want to lose you.”
Steve- “You’re not going to.” His words comfort them both more than any other gesture or touch could. Shelley deliberately sighs again, taking in breath to hold this moment to acknowledge that the fight is over. A smile once again spreads across her lips.
Shelley takes this next set as if it was from the beginning. She needs to sum up all that has been happening, she leaves nothing out which means that she repeats her previous confessions. She tells this part in a calm detached voice until she talks about how she feels about Steve. That is spoken with her conviction.
Shelley- “You want the whole truth? Why I have acted the way I have? Why I let us get pulled apart?”
Steve nods.
Shelley- “Well all this certainly hasn’t been a home. There is no trust; there isn’t any closeness even between my foster mother and father. My foster mother is completely dominated except by those who are under her, her other children, me. My foster father is overworked, he had a kind heart and wanted to do kind things, but now I don’t think there is any kindness left in him.” As Shelley is telling this, she appears somewhat detached, even her tears seem to pause on her cheeks. “I have never wanted to flout either of them, but when things feel intolerable to me I react on instinct, the instincts that have kept me alive. On several occasions because of noise or stress I would leave the house, get some fresh air. When I got back they would give me hell for taking off, which would bring an even more intolerable situation and I would storm out. Several of these as well as a few minor fights occurred last year, and that’s why I was sent away for the summer. They weren’t so sure about having me back, and that hurt me because I had found something I never had and always wanted, you. I’m sorry I kept you at bay then, I was just really angry at the world at everybody, but I took it out on the one person I wasn’t angry at. In the last two weeks of the school year I made a commitment to come back. I wanted to come back; I wanted to be here with you. So I swallowed the pride and anger and made a deal with my guardians, I would promise to obey their rules and to no longer be so defiant if they would have me back after the summer break. I asked for a couple months, if they still found me to be intolerable then I would agree to be transferred to another system. They gave me a chance, that’s two that they’ve given me. But the summer without you was more intolerable than I could stand. I missed you too much and I did things that I’m not proud of in order to keep my sanity. That summer my life really, really sucked. I longed to see you again I needed to see you. But then when I returned here I had a deal to hold up. I wanted us to spend more time together, I felt the intensity between us and I wanted more. But I wasn’t going to risk losing you entirely, so I followed their rules and didn’t complain. But they got worse, I suppose they wanted to keep a firm grasp on me so I wouldn’t get away. The worst time of my life has been these past three months, I’ve enjoyed and cherished the time we are together but I hated the times when we weren’t and I hated how I existed. This has been building for a long time, I let some pressure escape through that deal but more was created because of it. All that I feel all that I need is screaming at me, and I could not ignore it anymore. Earlier today my foster father was pushing everybody around, he does that but I usually let him except today. Today I stood my ground, it wasn’t a conscious decision but once I did it I felt good and so I stayed with it. It started as a yelling match; he believed that I was up to no good with my new friend. He called me a whore; I wasn’t going to let him get away with that. I told him that my friendship with you was the greatest thing in my life, then I said that if only you two could understand the trust and friendship between us, but you two never will. My foster mother shot back that they loved each other very much. I snorted, that was not love, and I doubt you have ever truly loved anyone in your life. An intense rage consumed him, and he slapped me and I fell. In that moment I saw the reality of my ‘home.’ I felt so frightened, that I had nothing to fall back on, but in a flash of peace and confidence I knew that I had someone to go to. The two options were there but I knew that I had already chosen. I left that house but as I walked through town my practical side started to confuse me. I have been here trying to work out what to do. But did you hear that, as soon as I saw you I put all the emotions down, I tried to hide it from you. But your honesty, your feelings have brought all that I feel back to the surface, and I no longer want to push them away. I need you Steve, and I need your help for I do not know where to go now. I have never had a friendship like this and it’s difficult to put all my trust, all my problems in your hands. Don’t be hurt because of my flashing between our friendship and my guardians. I don’t want to hurt you but until now I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never been so frightened and confused. The guardians were a chance for me to achieve my dreams, but now I know that that chance no longer exists with them. I know that all I’ve ever wanted I have in our friendship. I want you, I need you, I choose you. No matter what happens or how bad it hurts, I’m going to stay with this, us because I don’t feel that constant pain and loneliness when I am with you. You wanted to know how I feel?” Shelley sees how much Steve understands and how much he cares. “You are my savior, you rescued me from a hell that I could not see the end of. You are my joy and comfort, and in my life where I have had no real good friends, you are my best friend. You are the meaning, the reason and the life in my life, and I cannot be apart from you.”
Steve turning to fully face Shelley and show all that he is feeling- “I cannot be apart from you either, and I won’t. Shelley I am your friend, I like you, I trust you, I care about you, and I need you. And now we both know exactly how we feel and how committed we now are to each other. All that we are is lying out in front of us and it’s all that I’ve ever wanted.”
There is a pause and they both see what they’ve wanted in each other’s eyes. They’ve confessed, all that they have felt and feel now. And it feels so peaceful it feels like paradise.
Steve looking into Shelley’s eyes wanting to defeat the last of the fear that he sees there- “Please don’t ever think of your situation as a burden to me, I will always want to help you, and I have the means to do so. If you need a place to escape to or to live entirely, I’ve got that place. Please don’t ever hesitate to tell me what you need, you can be in a place where you will be totally safe and comfortable.”
Shelley- “I’m through hesitating, and I’m through keeping things from you. We’ve never held much back before, but now I won’t hold anything from you. I’ll tell you everything I feel, everything. Thank you Steve, thank you so much for being a good friend.” They stare into each other’s eyes each feeling that friendship and knowing all that it means.
Steve- “You deserve it,” pause, “because of your friendship.” Then lighter with a smile, “And because you’re so damn fun to be around.” She smiles too; Steve puts his arm around her and squeezes, a hug between friends, but a friendship like no other. It’s a relationship that both have wanted and needed for a long time, and now they have it, complete and uncomplicated by unwanted thoughts and feelings, in other words, paradise. Steve breaths all of it in with a sigh that signals the end of all the shit they gone through.
Shelley quietly not really wanting to deal with it- “As for tonight I need to resolve this home situation myself. I need to put an end to it instead of just running away again. I want try to mend that relationship, but I won’t put that in between us.” She pauses, she had been looking towards the river but now faces Steve, “But if it can’t be mended then I will definitely need your help.”
Steve, “Shelley, any support you need, you’ve got. And if you need someone to fight beside you, I’ll be there. You don’t have to finish this alone.”
Shelley- “Steve, I’m not alone. Not anymore. I need to try it first, because they do deserve that much.”
STEVE- “Well, I’m here for you, whenever you need me.”
Shelley- “That goes for me too. I’m here for you.” Then smiling, “Include me in to your world.”
Steve- “You hold the most special place in my world. I too will tell you everything, there’s no need for secrets anymore. I know that this is not going to be easy but it will be accomplished, because both of us are committed to it. And really if someone gets in the way the hell with them, this is our relationship we run it the way we want to. We both know that we are genuine in our feelings. We are both in control of us.”
Shelley- “I’ve fought a lot of things and people in the past, but now I really have something that deserves to be fought for. This could get fierce because if they want a fight we are surely going to have one. The law is against me in this situation and it can be summoned by my guardians if they choose to do so. But I can get fierce too, and I am just as prepared to do battle, as it were, to keep us together.”
Steve- “I won’t let anyone hurt you or separate us.”
Shelley- “I believe you, completely. I don’t know why or how you can back us up but I know that you can.” She still looks at Steve wanting to say something more but not finding the words, but her look carries all her gratitude and Steve gets the message anyways. Shelley pauses to look out at the scenery she is more comfortable than she has ever been, except for the cold and one more item her sensible side is worried about. “How to we stop them from sending me back to Seattle?”
Steve following her gaze out and then looking back at her; soft but serious- “Don’t worry. If that seems imminent I’ll take action against it.” Pausing to look straight into her eyes, “You won’t be taken back against your will.” Shelley appreciates that bit of confidence passed her way and smiles a tight smile as she takes a long blink and then watches the river again. The beauty of this setting is now able to be appreciated in its fullest.
Steve still with confidence in his voice asks more for curiosity- “If your attempt to mend the situation doesn’t work, how will we fight them?”
Shelley- “I think I have an idea, but I do know that if my attempt doesn’t work, they will be the ones who will attack first. And I do mean attack.” She wipes her face with her hands, “I don’t want to think about that now.”
Steve- “Then don’t.” They look at each other and a smile breaks upon both of their faces. “Do we have anymore confessions?”
Shelley- “Umm, just one. It’s fucking cold.”
Steve- “Yah. What do you say we do something about that?” Shelley gives him a curious look. “Let’s go have some fun.” Steve holds out his hand, Shelley takes it with a smile. They head off hand in hand to Steve’s car.
Steve as he reaches the passenger side and opens it for Shelley- “What time did you want to make the move?”
Shelley- “We’ll let them stew in it for a while.” Taking the door from Steve and sharing another look between them, “Thank you.” She gets in and waits for Steve to walk around the front and get in on the driver’s side. Then looking at her watch. “Let’s get back by the normal storming teenager coming home sheepish looking time of 2:00.”
Steve- “Oh that gives us plenty of time.”
Shelley- “You going to show me your mansion?”
Steve- “Why not, you may need it in the future.” Steve starts up the engine and begins to pull out of the parking space. “However it is not a mansion, it is called the Manor, and it doesn’t belong to me.” After a look of uncertainty from Shelley, “Well not technically.”
Shelley smiling- “Well lets go see it.”
Steve looking at Shelley and smiling- “This is going to be fun.” Meaning the next few hours as well as their brand new future.
Shelley returning the smile and prediction of their future- “You and me.”