You’re dead

Tears are falling hopelessly on my face while I watch our friendship dying… It’s over and there’s no new beginning, there’s no any other way. I’m alive and you’re not. I’m the “lucky” one which had to remain here without you, which had to wake up thinking of you every day… and realizing you’re dead. I’m the one who tries to imagine and rebuild (think of) you every second of my life so that I won’t ever forget you. I’m terrified I won’t remember how you look, slowly your face will seem far away from me and I’ll die because I won’t be able to forgive myself… But if I keep on like this I’ll die living in your dead shadow. No, it can’t be true. Yesterday you were here and now you’re gone… Or was it the day before yesterday?
I don’t remember! I don’t remember you. When you were alive I always thought you were different but that only because I was like that. I kept imagining things. Now that you’re dead you seem so perfect to me, just like when you were alive and you weren’t near me. Then you were incredible, but because you were made by me… Only a figment of my imagination combined with a drop of something real. Now I see how I really am, but I still can’t see you. I think I’m sad, but this time it’s only in my mind cause my heart stopped in the moment they told me you’re dead. It stopped a few seconds after yours and I don’t hear it beating anymore. Am I dead too, or am I the only one dead? That’s probably it, or else how could I explain the fact that I can’t speak with you anymore? Or maybe it’s only our friendship that’s dead…
You seem so cold, but again I’m not sure if it’s you or it’s me… or perhaps it’s the winter. Yeah, that’s probably it. It’s the winter…
I can’t say I want you back because I never had you; I can’t say I miss you… because I’d miss you even more and that’s impossible. So I’d better shut up, shut up and sit in this deadly silence just trying to remember you from the past so I could live in the present without you. Tears are falling again on my cheeks. I’m alive! If I was dead then how could I cry? I’m alive and you’re dead. My tears are almost warm, your eyes can’t cry no more. They are so cold. I see your stunned face looking at me, asking for help and I just stand here… What can I do? It’s over. I don’t have enough life to die. I’d cut my veins but no blood is left in me, I’d strangle myself but no strength is left in me… I’d do anything to join you, but I’m too weak, and too scared of death. I’m scared of living just as much but now it’s too late to change my mind, I invested too much in me to kill me.
I want to hear your voice again! I want to be able to thank you for living but you’re dead… so dead that it kills me! It hurts…
Now I can finally see the grave. I see the moment when you watched me for the last time… and I watched you. We were looking at each other from a distance and I thought that will bring us together again, but the distance grew even more… Now it’s like from heaven to earth. But the true distance, which separates our bodies, is only 4 kilometers. Our souls are much more far away…But they never were close so… I don’t know why I suffer that much for you when you are now so calm, so happy, so relieved. You should be sorry for me! You know I hate being alone! And look at you! What do you do? Just sit there still… Why can’t you feel a little bit sad for me? Why can’t you say you love me?
Didn’t we have something special? If it was that special, then please speak damn it! Speak to me!!! Don’t leave me here! Give me wings and I promise I won’t ever return here on earth. I’ll stay only with you. It can’t be too late now. It just can’t be! I know it isn’t. I want to have the chance to meet you, to see how you really are…
I realized why I can’t remember you: because you aren’t real! I never knew you!!! Let me know you! Give me another chance! At least help me forget your face, help me forget you staring cold eyes, your pale soft skin… your beautiful staring cold eyes.
I don’t even have to know you. Maybe it’s better this way. Now I really can say you were perfect, I loved you… Probably if I knew you better I wouldn’t have suffered that much when I heard you are dead.
I love you now! I hate you! I love the memory of you… that’s all that’s left now. I didn’t know you, and I don’t know you now. I had the chance and I missed it! I don’t miss you; I miss the chance I missed! Can’t anything, can’t anyone replace this feeling of empty with something? Help me! Come and give me the power to join you if you don’t have the strength to join me… Coward! I hate you so much! How could you leave me here? I love you too much!!! I can’t go on and I can’t stop going on! I love you, damn you!