Take me higher

I walked along the summer sands, the perfect sunset my only companion. I stand alone in this utopia, and I pray nobody takes me away. Only to find my solitude in realising nobody will even come looking. I turn away, the sunset mocks me with its beauty, and I find myself falling into old memories. What is laughter? Bitterness has flooded my ability to taste the joys of life. To love, and to live.

I knew I had to see him. Despite the warnings. They will throw it in my face when I come back damaged and scared. They have their eyes closed, for I am already that way. I choose, not to be scared of them, or him. I choose to be scared of myself. For I am the heart that shrivels like a flower without sun. A coldness I’m accustomed to. I’m not complaining. It’s better that way, for disappointment has no meaning when you expect nothing to begin with.

I saw him through the old window. The same hardened eyes, the same twisted mouth. With one moment the curtains closed again, but I could still see his shadow. I knew he was still looking down at the small figure that stood at the broken gate. The small figure who hesitantly made her way through the yard.

It proved a challenge to say the least. The garden was a jungle. The path was perfectly hidden behind layers of weeds, shrubs and grass. An unkempt garden mirrored my life. The poor rose that’s strangled by neglect.

My knock on the door was barely audible, but within a split second, there he stood. Face to face, staring at me through those same glassy eyes. The potent smell of an unspeakable addiction, and I knew that he had not changed. That monster that overtook him, the monster that stole his everything. The bottle gave him a power beyond measure, but thankfully his aim was blinded by his intoxication. Well, at least most of the time.

I shook those memories out of my head, and was taken aback by the tear rolling down my cheek. Despite what anyone says time does not heal all wounds. I’m still left with a scar that never fades. A reminder of my pain, and my promise to never forgive.

I stared at the messy hair, the unshaven, unclean man. I dare not to look into his eyes, for fear that I will see his pain. For fear that I will cave in. Although I long to speak I find myself completely without words. So we both stand, alone but together. Through a mutual silence, we speak.

I peeped into the derelict home. The shack was still the same. Dust covered furniture, a undernourished dog roaming the kitchen, bottles and cigarette butts littering the floor. I questioned him. Why had he not changed? Why was he still the same as all those years ago. Hasn’t he learned?

As I pondered exactly what to say, I felt my eyes compelled to the darkest corner of the room. Something stood out, I couldn’t figure out what, and it frustrated me beyond belief. There was something there that made me want to stay. Something that rid me of need to turn around, and run away from this hell. This hell once perfectly disguised as a home.

It was then I saw it. His prize. While all other possessions lay buried under a blanket of filth, one stood out. Sitting alone on a bench, hidden in the corner, but radiating a beauty that filled the room. The darkness ceased, and the light glowing from the corner left me breathless.

Upon seeing it, I knew he cared. His only reason for living, and he threw that away. I remember, so clearly, the day the sirens blared. The moment I realized that an addiction could be fatal. Not just to him. Those memories brought such pain, and I was shocked that my empty heart could still feel. Years had passed, but it still felt like yesterday that I watched that ambulance pull away.

Before the emotion was too much to bear, I handed him the envelope. Neatly sealed, only I knew the contents that hid inside. He was dying, he knew it, and so did I. This was the purpose for my visit, I offered him a final goodbye.

I could not hug him, it was too late for fake affection now. There was no doubt that I cared, but we both knew that some mistakes could never be undone. I looked at him, for one last time, as his shaking hands held the envelope. He was lost in thought, pondering the contents of his mysterious gift. Wondering the reason for this sudden and unexpected visit.

I turned, and walked towards the old gate. I stopped and glanced over my shoulder, to take one last look at the man who I once had so dearly loved. I saw him slowly rip open the letter, with such care and affection, and watched in suspense as he pulled out the memory inside.

That photo, a young girl soaring on a swing, a man with the same messy hair and unshaven beard smiling as he pushed her. It almost came to life, he could hear the innocence of youth in that angelic giggle. It resounded in his ears like a long forgotten melody. That golden hair sparkling in the sun, as she squealed “Higher, daddy! Higher!”

He read the small words etched on the back, his eyes clouded with tears. The bottle of spirit he held so tightly in his hand dropped, smashing into a million pieces on the old wooden floorboards. No longer would the addiction blind him, for he was blessed with the ability to see through new eyes, as he read the few words that changed everything…“I forgive you”

Looking up, and with a river of tears streaming down his cheeks, he whispered two words that I heard so clearly. For once, I smiled, and the burden that had weighed so heavily on my heart suddenly lifted. With that, he dropped his head, and holding the photo close to his heart, turned, and closed the door behind him.

I walked along the summer sands, the perfect night my true companion. I stand alone, in this utopia, and I pray the angels to take him away. To carry him so carefully under their wings. I want him to laugh, as he yells “Higher, angels, Higher!” Let him soar above the clouds, he was a sinner, but aren’t we all?

I turn towards the water, and run into the waves. It surrounds me with its beauty, and I find myself falling into old memories. What is hate? Forgiveness has flooded my ability to loathe and despise. Finally, I can taste the joys of life. I love, and I live.