Christmas in Short

Entry for December 26, 2005
So the main event has now come to a close. It is the morning of the 26th of December and here I sit before my computer. Admittedly it is only five o'clock in the morning and my brain is barely engaged but I am trying to conjer up my feelings about the effect on me of Christmas.

I guess the most glaring observation that I can make is how, even at age forty-five, I can still experience the tingle of anticipation when it comes to presupposing what type of gifts I might receive. And along with that tingle the disappointment that follows when reality steps onto fantasy. My father, a multimillionaire, and on occasion somewhat flamboyant, would sometimes surprise me with gifts that were simply fabulous. I was given a new Corvette while just one year out of high school. On another occasion he purchased a new home and paid cash and then just handed me the keys. I have received cash gifts and jewelry that had the potential to render me speechless and if you knew me you would realize that that is no simple feat. I could go on and on. However, at the risk of sounding like a self centered, self absorbed if not aged, spoiled brat I did not receive any gifts that I could catoragize as "grand" this year. Truth be told, I expected a check this Christmas. And while shaving yesterday I actually allowed myself to fantasize about opening an envelope from under his Christmas tree and retrieving a small green chit that read "Pay to the order of Joey in the amount of $10,000.00. I should also point out that although I knew it to be quite unlikely that this kind of money would avail itself, my past experience also told me not to rule the possibility out. I figured it would probably be more like a thousand or two...perhaps only five hundred. But in the end there was no check, no grandiose gifts. In fact, if anything, it almost appeared as though a message were being sent through the lack of gifts given to me this year. I received a set of bathroom handtowels and a rug. In my opinion, the best gift I received, outside of spending the day with my family of course, would have been Dell's equivalent to the IPod. And as the last gift was unwrapped and I sat in the family circle amid piles of spent wrapping paper, bows and ribbons I still remained under a trance that allowed me to continue to think that the evenings main event, my gift, was still yet to come. Alas it was not to be. In the end I headed home with my towels, rug and IPod while listening to now inappropriate Christmas music telling me how fortunate I am to be alive and able to experience the wonder of this holiday.

Thankfully last nights event and it's outcome is more typical than unusual and for that reason the emotions merely ping off of my protective shell and I can except the reality of the situation. I guess what surprises me most is my infinite greed and expectations when it comes to Christmas. I mean when I go out shopping for my eleven year old son my only concern is that I cannot buy him everything that he would like to have. Unfortunately my limited income prevents me from over indulging him. Some of those that know how I am in this way tell me that I overdo it anyway and that what I do for my son isn't healthy for anyone. But when I analyze this advice I feel that it doesn't really hold water because I am not able to blow his mind with gifts of a grandiose nature and therefore my overdoing it translates into an average Christmas for the boy. Last night, as he opened his gifts I monitored his behavior and was looking for any telltale signs of disappointment. I can say that I did not see any but I think that he too had thoughts of deep piles of gifts that awaited him at other family's homes. He still had two more stops where he was guaranteed more packages with his name upon them.

Anyway I could go on but it's pointless. I have done here what I've set out to do and I will probably feel better for it. I can be thankful for many things. I'm not addicted, I have a good job, a loving son, my father and some friends. I was able to purchase a gift for all of the guests and they were not, for the most part, not just trinkets. I still feel pretty good about myself and when the day ends I'll be able to come back to my nice home and relax after having a nice meal. Really when I think back to how some of the days that I spent drugged out, broke, with no family or friends and certainly no money....I am a very fortunate person and I know it. It's just that little brat in me that expects more. I guess the bottom line here is to just keep things in perspective and everything else will take care of itself. Hell, I guess I'm lucky I can even have these feelings!