If Only It Weren't Me

         ‘Now I’ve been lickin’ my wounds but the venom seeps deeper’. I’ve never understood Christina Aguilera’s lyrics. Not until now anyway. Why did I let him get to me? How could I be so stupid? I suppose I should have seen it coming really. Only a self-centred ignorant pig like him would be capable of being so down right cruel. But not her. She was my friend. My best friend. The one person I trusted more than anyone else in the world. I used to tell her everything. Even my deepest darkest secrets that I’d never have dared tell anyone else. I’d only known her a year or so but it felt like we’d been friends since forever. I can remember the day we met so clearly, like it only happened yesterday. We clicked right from the start, instant friends we were. We shared the same music tastes, same hobbies, same interest in clothes. It was like I’d met another version of me, only smaller and with short blonde hair instead of my dark brown wavy mop. The first sleepover we had at my house was such a laugh. We sat up practically the whole night talking about anything and everything, from our first kisses and our latest crushes to how much we despised pop music. She had me in stitches for hours with her Britney Spears impressions. I used to think I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a best friend like her. Not anymore. That all changed once we became involved with him. No more laughing, no more impressions. I can’t even stand to be in the same room as her, let alone spend any amount of time with her. And as for him, well, he can disappear off the face of the earth for all I care.
         I suppose you’re all wondering what I’m talking about. It all began at the very beginning of year nine, which was when Laura and I first met. We were having a real laugh getting to know each other and we were really excited when we found out we had all our lessons together. I’d been separated from my closest friend from Middle School, and was a bit worried about starting a new school without her alongside me, but Laura made me feel really at ease. My worries soon disappeared. was in one of our lessons that we met Ian. I can remember thinking he was hilarious, someone who is guaranteed to cheer you up when they are around you no matter what’s wrong. He was good looking too in a quirky sort of way, with his fairly long black curly hair and gorgeous deep brown eyes that made you melt when he looked at you. He wasn’t really my type though. I prefer spikey blonde haired boys who play football, and he was more of a computer geek. That's why I have a crush on David Beckham. Anyway, Laura, Ian and I soon began to hang out at lunchtimes as a threesome. It felt good to have two new friends who I felt I could trust undoubtedly. But I was wrong.
         It wasn’t until a year later that I developed a crush on Ian. I know, I know, I said he wasn’t my type, but he was really sweet, and he had me laughing so hard with the stuff he used to come out with. I shan’t repeat the things he said, as they were rude most of the time, but they were funny all the same. I guess that’s what first attracted me to him. His personality. He had an incredible confidence about him, which is something I found amazing because I have always been shy, and probably always will be. He never let anything or anyone get the better of him, and he was unbelievably laid back. I on the other hand am such a worrier. I’m always fretting about when my next piece of homework is due in, and whether my hair is straight or wavy. I guess I secretly wished I were a bit more like him. More confident and outspoken. Not anymore. Things have changed.
         At about Christmas time Ian found out I liked him. That was the most embarrassing moment of my life. We were walking home like we usually did after school, and usually we just chatted and had play fights with each other. He’d try and pin me down to the floor but I’d wriggle away at the last moment and laugh at him for being too slow. But he was being unusually quiet. I couldn’t think what could be wrong, and I didn’t think for a second he knew about my feelings for him. I mean I’d only told Laura, and even then I didn’t really tell her, she figured it out for herself. She had this sixth sense that could tell whether I was hiding something from her. It annoyed me really but there was nothing I could do about it. I’m a terrible liar anyway. Ian wasn’t communicating with me at all, and even his body language was minimal. Not the vibrant uncontrollable Ian I was used to. I asked him what was wrong and he told me. He knew. I could feel my heart pounding louder and louder in my chest as we carried on walking, my eyes no longer looking at him, but firmly transfixed on the ground. I was panicking inside, partly because I wasn’t ready for him to know, but also because I couldn’t believe Laura had betrayed my trust and told him behind my back. He wouldn’t tell me who told him, but I knew it was her. It couldn’t have been any-one else. She was the only person who knew. He didn’t talk to me for a few weeks after he found out. I was really upset, and naturally blamed Laura. She had told him after all. She knew I wasn’t ready for him to know, but she told him anyway. She can be really selfish sometimes. That’s Laura’s main downside, she doesn’t think before she acts. Pity she didn’t think about our friendship before she went and ruined it. Things could have been so much simpler. Ian eventually began to speak to me again after several weeks. He said he hadn’t been speaking to me because we were such good friends and he had never thought of me that way before. It came as a bit of a shock to him. I don’t blame him for that. If it had been the other way round, I would have been shocked myself. We ended up talking for ages on the phone, and agreed that staying friends was the best solution. I was a little disappointed, but the past few weeks without Ian had been hell. At least then I could still be around him. So friends were how we decided to stay. If only we had.
         Although he wouldn’t admit it, Ian’s attitude towards me changed. He seemed more distant, but at the same time seemed more interested in the physical me, such as the way I looked and how I dressed. I found myself dressing to impress him, which was strange for me as I’d always feel comfortable around Ian no matter what I wore. We talked about more personal issues, and I thought at times I could even detect a hint of flirting on his part. I naturally told myself I was being stupid. I mean, why would he now, all of a sudden decide that no, he didn’t want to be friends, but he in fact wanted something more? How ever much I tried though, I couldn’t resist flirting back. He was constantly paying me compliments to do with my hair style, make-up and dress sense, even when I was just in my normal school uniform, which he saw me in everyday! However, I began thinking about what it would do to our friendship should we go out and then split up. It would almost for certainly be the end, and the close bond that we’d developed would be destroyed. I’d be devastated. My mind was all over the place. I’d never had a problem talking to Ian about my feelings before, but now there was a real chance something might happen between us, it just didn’t seem worth risking our friendship over. We were too much like brother and sister. I explained my feelings to Laura that night. I’d told her previously how I was developing a crush on Ian, but she was very quick to dismiss my feelings. I’d always wondered why she was so sure it was just a crush, and why she'd told me almost instantly that I’d be better off moving on. Of course now I know why. Anyway, Laura convinced me that it would be wrong for us to get together because our friendship was too important, so she confirmed my thoughts. I decided I needed to speak to Ian personally, so I arranged for Ian to come round my house the following evening after school while my parents were out so we could talk properly, without any interruptions. He’d been round my house several times before. I can remember him saying how much he liked my bedroom, with its orange swirls all over the walls, and the terracotta coloured carpet. And of course, he loved the flat screened computer I had the corner. He was always playing the Sims on it when he came round, but not anymore. He hasn’t been round since it happened, and he never will again.
         Please, please, please tell me this was a dream. Please tell me I’m going to wake up in my bed, all warm and snuggled up in my duvet. I pinched myself to see if I was awake. I was. How did this happen? One minute we were talking, the next minute his hands were touching me... I tried to shake the image from my head, but it kept playing over and over, like the song you detest the most on constant repeat. How could he do this to me? Did I not mean anything to him? My hands were trembling, my eyes were red and bloodshot from an hours worth of solid crying, and I ached all over. I was hugging my duvet covers like a security blanket. I used to have one of them when I was a small child in my cot. It made me feel safe, and whenever I was scared or frightened I’d grip my blanket with all my might and everything would be ok. I wished everything would be ok then. I wished I could go back in time an hour, and then I might have been able to change what happened. I kept getting mental images in my brain of him on top of me, pinning me down so I couldn’t move even an inch. At first I thought he was messing around like old times, but when I asked him to get off me he wouldn’t. I asked him again. He still wouldn’t. I begun to scream uncontrollably for him to get off me, but he smothered my mouth with his hand, so my voice sounded like a tiny little mouse squeaking. Tears were streaming down my face, but I was helpless. I couldn’t believe what he was doing to me. It was over within a few minutes, but the pain was like nothing I had experienced before. I felt cheap, used, sick and dirty. How could I not have known he was such a monster? How could I get his personality so wrong? I needed to speak to Laura, and fast.
         Oh. My. God. Surely Laura hadn’t just said what I thought she did, did she? I had never felt so down right stupid in my entire life. How could the two people that mattered to me the most in the world do this to me? Tears were streaming down my flustered face, and were creating a pool of water in my lap. I’d been talking to Laura. Big mistake. I’d told her about what happened with Ian. I’d managed to stop myself from crying just long enough to tell her, but as soon as the last words had trickled off my tongue, I burst into floods of tears for what seemed like the millionth time. But I got no response. Not an ‘I can’t believe he did that to you’ or ‘I’m so sorry you had to go through that’. But silence. Total silence. My head was pounding, and I felt completely drained. Why wasn’t she saying anything? I just managed to splutter out the words are you still there, but still nothing. Silence. Then she said it, with no feeling or emotion whatsoever. Just straight out as if wasn’t a big deal. She was seeing Ian and had been for weeks. But not only that. She knew. She knew what he had done to me and yet she was still with him. My best friend. I could barely stand and so fell to my knees. I couldn’t hold my emotions in any longer. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Not only had she told me not to get involved with Ian and then got involved herself, but she knew and was standing by him! My life seemed worthless. I got no apology from either of them. It was as if what I had gone through was normal, and everyday, nothing untoward and repulsive about it at all. I realised then that I meant nothing to either of them. I was dead to both of them, and as far as I was concerned, so were they to me.
         So there you have it. That’s how my two best friends have made my life a living hell. I haven’t spoken to either of them for months now, and I’ve moved away from them in lessons. I sit next to Sophie now. She’s a bit quiet, but we’re still getting to know each other at the moment. She can make me laugh though. I haven’t been able to laugh for ages, and so it’s been good having someone like her around. She’s not as funny as Laura was, but I’m grateful for any laughs at all right now. I haven’t been able to trust boys again since it happened though. That’s going to take a very long time. I’ve been attending counselling sessions at school for the past few months, because I haven’t been able to get what happened out of my head. It keeps coming back to me, especially just before I go to sleep. I try to keep as busy as possible because it keeps my mind occupied and I then I don’t seem to think about it. It’s amazing how much I’ve cried recently. I must have cried for about three hours every night for at least a couple of months. I told my parents it was because I was overloaded with coursework at school, and I think they believed me. I couldn’t have told them. They’d have made me go to the police, and I just wouldn’t have been able to cope with that. I just want it to be over so I can move on. For good.