Disorder

Can’t I just be done now
Can’t I say I’ve had enough, I give it back, I don’t want it, I don’t need it
Why can’t I go back to rushing through my day
Stopping just long enough to maybe get a cup of coffee that got too cold to drink
Because I didn’t have time
Now the coffee gets cold because I’m too tired to even pick up the cup or worse
I’m too afraid to pick up the cup and watch my hands shake as I try to
Hold on
Now I stop all the time
And rest
For no reason, I didn’t work all day
How can I be this tired, and have nothing to show for it
The house is still a mess, dishes still not done, paycheck is down
How can I be this tired
How much pain is manageable, I’ve tried and I’m not succeeding
Mind numbing pain – the brain is a dull buzz
While the arms, legs burn with pain.
Or worse, painful stabs in all four limbs as the head feels like an implosion.
How many times can I fall down and still try to pick myself up
I don’t feel like laughing about it anymore, it’s not funny anymore
I don’t like to go out in public by myself now – I’m not independent anymore.
I want to kick and scream,
I want to shake my fist and shout
It’s not fair….
And sometimes I do, but not today
Today, I sit with my head in my hands
And cry for no reason
For every reason
This doesn’t feel like my body, this isn’t what I expected
And I still try to smile, but I am afraid; I cry when no one sees – try to hold everything in;
And I’m losing even that small bit of control; it’s overwhelming – it’s madness
And I just want to be done now
I’ve had enough.