comedy script chapter 1of the pilot

Comedy Script
Pilot
Chapter 1 of 4


Paul and frank sit nervously inside there Alfa Romero. They can’t believe they have landed themselves into so much bother that they had to become hit men to pay of the debt. Neither of them has ever used a gun. Paul gets nervous watching westerns and frank thinks he is fucking Rambo. They are told to wait on a woman with long blonde hair to walk about of the building. Then they have to kill her. But first

Paul: ….frank… (Frank turns to Paul while making noises that sound like gunfire and speeding cars)

Frank: yes darling.

Paul: did you know that you are the most ugliest bastard that anyone has ever seen and that you smell of pensioners on Mondays and Tuesdays and for some weird reason you are sitting here being a complete breast, making me more nervous and spouting so much bollocks that there is a great chance that we have actually missed the woman come out of the building so you can get dribble all over the steering wheel and live out your wildest fantasy as a gay Rambo.

Frank: …a

Paul: don’t!!! It doesn’t matter anyway were here, so lets just act professional shall we.

Frank: well see that’s were we are fucked because a) we are not professionals were just a couple of unemployed twats that put there foot in the wrong hole. And b) I can’t drive, you cant drive, I cant fire a gun, you cant fire a gun so were about as professional as its going to get for us, OK, Took us 45 minutes to turn that corner just so you can stop at corner shop to ask the kids if you looked scary and rugged.
In doing so they managed to nick your wallet brake your nose and piss on your shoes.

Paul: well….at least we got the black coats.

Frank: and the 24 pack of walkers, 2 bottles of tizer and a copy of reader’s wives.

Paul: (Paul looks at frank with open eyes and thumbs up when the reader’s wives quote sinks in) we should really thank Hogan for giving us all this great equipment.

Frank: yes, and landing us probably the most dangerous job that will no doubt lead us to prison or…prison.

Paul: how long did he say we had to do this?

Frank: until the urine stains are removed from his rug and all the money returned.

Paul: urine stains?

Frank: you don’t remember? The part were was you pissed yourself as he told us that we were his slaves and handymen.

Paul: ahhh yes. He really is a great bloke isn’t he?

Frank: no Paul, he is psycho maniac that owns pretty much everything that moves.

Paul: call me simple but that’s the part were I am lost you see.

Frank:…why am I to call you simple. Because your not, you’re a bastard.

Paul: no no it’s just a saying, why would he get us to do this kind of work for him I mean I know we stole the wrong pile of cash and spent it at the bookies…and several cases of Malibu and vodka. But why this? I mean there must be something else we can do for him. If we were to fuck this up does that not mean his name would be plastered all over the criminal underground? It’s such a big ri (Frank interrupts)


Frank: shut up Paul, the reason we are being used is because we are expected to die trying. And in doing so he will no doubt sell our bodies over to medical science therefore clearing the debt we owe. Or we can get very lucky and pull this off.

(Paul starts panic and notices movement across at the building they are supposed to be watching)

Paul: frank!!!! Look!!! It’s her, what do we do.

(Blonde woman comes walking out with a briefcase and a mobile phone in her hand; she is heading towards the car)

Frank: hand me the case that’s in the back of the seat. It’s got Jesus in it!!

Paul: pardon my interruption Mel Gibson but this is no time for a Jehovah witness!!!

Frank: look, hand me the case or would you like to talk to Hogan yourself and tell him why the mission went tits up. In fact why don’t I kill you just now and that will be half of the debt repaid.

Paul: no!! (Paul reaches back into the passengers seat and grabs a long black case)

Frank: get a load of this piece of equipment. (Frank pulls out a rifle and Paul notices that It has the words Jesus written across the side of it) ok now… as soon as you hear me fire I want you to start the car and pull over beside her body, we will then grab the briefcase and be off to Hogan’s before you can say Sylvester Stallone eat your knob off.

Paul: Ok, why can’t I shoot and you drive. I have perfect vision you know, and your wearing glasses that magnifies everything around you up to about 40 times the size. So we have absolutely no chance if you look down that scope. We would have more chance hitting a jockey at nursery than you hitting her. Give me the rifle

(both frank and Paul start tugging and fighting over the rifle, then suddenly a shot goes of in the car hitting Paul in the arse and frightening the blonde woman on the street, she goes to turn round run but gets hit with a car and the briefcase slides neatly in front of the Alfa Romeo)

Frank: fantastic!! Paul start the car am off to get the briefcase. Well come on get your finger out your arse and move.

Paul: (Paul looks at frank with anger and starts swearing at frank but he shuts the door so you can hear him, frank goes to the front of the car and grabs the briefcase but notices Paul has slammed on the accelerator and frank goes over the car. After a few seconds of pain frank manages to get in the car and they move off to Hogan’s.)