Alexander

I stared into his eyes and wondered at the same time why I was here in this place. Why I had bothered to respond to the old summons that I hadn't heard in years, nor expected to hear ever again. Yet I had responded, come to the same place that I had visited so frequently all those years ago, I suppose I was curious, wanted to know if there was an explanation for his behaviour.

He promised me all those years ago that he would do the right thing and tell his wife the truth about us, about the double life he led and the secrets he kept from her. But it had never happned, the momentous occasion had never arisen and he had remained firmly and unalterably at her side- much to my dismay.

Indeed in those days I was almost suicidal at the thought of never seeing him again, never feeling his arms around me, telling me I was the only one he would ever love. Then there was all that romantic nonesense that had made me truly believe that he loved me. All those times he told me that being with me was like being in heaven; that I made his internal fire burn so brightly that he feared she might notice. I was as much awestruck at this man who so openly extolled my virtues, as lovestruck for the mans great personality - not to mention his physical assets.

Still, I cannot help but wonder why he has called me again after nearly three decades of loneliness and bitter self-pity. So many times I told myself that I was better off without him and that I could do so much better and that if I could just pull myself together I would find someone else. After all, I was attractive enough and my mother proposed great things for me when I was younger, marriage, children, even grandchildren. Yet she was to be sorely disappointed. I got myself tangled up in a relationship with a married man who was ten years my junior.

I shall never forget the look of dumbfounded horror that became imprinted on her face the night I told her. The shock seemed almost too much to bear, as if I had slapped her in the face. All her hopes and dreams- gone in one sordid moment of truth. My father, God rest his thoroughly Christian soul, was already dead and would never know of his offspring's hideous sin.

I look again at his eyes and so many memories come flooding back, moments of heated passion and illicit meetings that made what felt like gallons of adrenalin race through my body, putting me on edge for days afterwards. Yet I never revealed the truth to anyone but my mother -for fear of the repercussions, I had no concerns about my status, but Alexander was a governor of state and associated only in the highest circles. The truth could destroy his career.

He looks at me, his eyes filled with sorrow.

"I'm sorry, oh you will never know just how sorry I am to have left you for so long. It nearly killed me, but it had to be done. I just hope that you will listen long enough to understand my reasons and perhaps to forgive me?"

I nod silently; I am intrigued, as drawn in by his mysterious way of speaking as I was all those years ago.

"It was Vanessa, you see I think she had begun to suspect the truth, what would have been for her, the awful truth that she had refused to acknowledge for many years. She did the one thing that she knew I could not turn my back on - she became pregnant. I couldn't leave her after that, I couldn't turn my back on my child. Imagine the headlines, "Governor leaves pregnant wife"; "Governors sordid affair destroys pregnant wife." My career would have been in ruins- but it tore me apart to stop seeing you."

This was another thing that I had loved about Alexander, he was sp driven, so in command and determined to succeed. Even though his private life was in tatters he still did the right thing and kept his carrer afloat.

"I didn't want to stop seeing you, but I was resolute that my child would have the best father that I could be. I couldn't even come and explain to you why I wasn't going to see you again, I knew meeting you would weaken my resolve- a state of mind already so fragile that your tears would have wrenched my heart and changed my mind. As you can no doubt see, the only way I could be certain that I would not weaken was to cut myself off from you completely. I allowed myself one note- one reprieve from my self-inflicted sentence. That note was sent to you containing a few words that I hoped would clarify my feelings."

Oh how well I remembered that note, the note that had driven me to distraction with sorrow and anger. The note that had simply said:

‘I regret to inform you that Governor Alexander will not be able to attend your appointments and has no wish to further promote your endeavours. The Governor wishes to pass on his sincerest apologies.’

All so nicely typed on a sheet of plain paper, like a business card- so impersonal and stern. I had sniffed the note, hopeful for a sniff of Alexander’s cologne- but to no avail. That note really brought home what I had already suspected. I howled for hours after that note arrived; inconsolable and irrational I had arrived at drink as the only answer.

My therapist now says that he thinks my brain simply could not cope with the magnitude of the information- so it found the easiest way to shut out the pain and indignation, a drug so powerful I would not remember the bad and not care if I did.

‘That note wounded me mortally Alexander, it took away part of my soul.’

My answer does not seem to convey the total breakdown of everything that I knew, the total shattering of my world at the time. I shake my head at my feeble attempt at expressing myself; Alexander is the one with the mastery of vocabulary, capable of delivering eloquent, crowd-stirring speeches.

‘That doesn’t matter, that’s all in the past now. I’ve left Vanessa to be with you. I told her tonight.’ Alexander moves to hug me, but I shrug him away. He looks puzzled at my coldness.

‘You shouldn’t have. Alexander, when you left me my whole world fell apart.’ Alexander nods, almost as if he would expect this, takes it for granted. I imagine my therapists face and struggle on. ‘I developed a drinking problem, with the help of a therapist I solved the problem and moved on. But I never stopped thinking of you. That was until I met a very special person- we’re married now, have been for many years. All those old feelings that came rushing back are nothing compared to the new feeling that I have now for Tasha.’

‘Tasha?’

‘Yes Alexander, I’m sorry, the only reason that I came tonight was to tell you- I’m straight now.’

Alexander screamed, I turned away, absentmindedly patted him on the head as I might have done to my small grandson and walked away.

‘Don’t worry Alexander, you’ll get over it- I did.’ Then less quietly. ‘Pompous git.’