Waterproof Mascara

11-05-05
Dear diary,

I’ve decide not to mention *him anymore. It does no good to plaster his name on every page, not when he will never see or know that he is in my every thought. That it is him who makes me smile in class and at the same time turns my insides into acid. I don’t want him on every page anymore. Well at least not his name.

Today I talked to Camille about her boyfriend and how he isn’t really a very nice guy. She has so many guy friends who are much better for her and would take care of her and love her forever at the drop of a hat. She complains that they cause too much drama. I don’t understand how she can complain when she has them all, I know the other side, having no one is much worse. Camille means well though. I think she might have seen how upset I was after the conversation because while I was lost in my own thoughts I blinked back tears as we walked to the parking lot from school. She noticed this because I wiped my eyes and smeared my make up. Camille’s makeup is always perfect, she says I should wear more because it brings out my eyes. But I like my eyes the way they are, big round and dark brown, I’ve been told they look kind. But mine aren’t like Camille’s eyes, perfect and blue, with precise eyeliner and long black eyelashes that sweep the top of her cheeks when she blinks. Maybe I will ask her to teach me to do my makeup properly.

Well I need to go to sleep now, I’m supposed to go shopping with Nina tomorrow. I don’t particularly want to go, she doesn’t even like shopping! But I have to spend time with her, I spend most of my weekends with Camille now, and I fell guilty leaving Nina, but Nina doesn’t understand me anymore.

11-08-05
Dear Diary

Camille did my makeup today. We went to the soccer game and were bored so she got out her make up kit. Everyone said I looked very pretty but I think I looked like someone else. I wiped it off as soon as I got home.

English used to be my favorite class. Now I dread it. *He sits near me, and I have to try very hard not to think about him. I hate life sometimes. If I was as pretty as Camille I wouldn’t have these problems. Or maybe if i was as oblivious as Nina. But here I am stuck in the middle.

I’ve decided why I don’t like going to bed. Don’t get me wrong I love sleeping in, but after I wake up I always feel I have missed out on something. I always wonder if maybe I had stayed up and been online a bit later somebody unexpected might have instant messaged me, or maybe I could have gotten a better grade on an assignment if I had just worked on it a bit longer even though I could barely keep my eyes open. If no one ever had to sleep people would get so much more done! But I suppose people would also age more quickly…who knows. I really do have to go to bed now. At least I can go to Starbucks in the morning.

I always get a grande caramel machiato, it reminds me of Mr. Landon from last year. They were his favorite. I miss him a lot, he was the closest I have ever come to crush on a teacher. When he looked at me he looked at me different from the other girls in my class. He looked at me like I was his equal, like I was a person who mattered to him, he didn’t even look at Camille that way. Maybe he thought I was prettier than her. What does it matter now though, he’s moved away so I can’t even visit his classroom. No one looks at me with that much respect anymore.

11-13-05
Dear Diary

A lot has happened this week. I had the day from Hell yesterday. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. School was a disaster I think I failed every quiz I took, and then practice was just two hours of arguing, and then on the way home I went to get take-out for dinner, and managed to get lost in the parking lot beside the restaurant. At that point I had a mini nervous breakdown, I started crying and beating on the steering wheel of my car. I’m pretty sure I gave the waiter the fright of his life when he saw me. At least I wasn’t wearing mascara or it would have been all over my face.

I talked to *him today.

Tomorrow I am going shopping with Camille and some of her other friends. They are all planning on who they are asking to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I just won’t join in on that conversation. Girl's like me don't ask boys to Sadie's.

11-21-05
Dear Diary

I love spending time with Camille and her friends, I feel my age, unlike when I spend time with Nina, then I feel twelve instead of almost seventeen. It’s almost like feeling powerful. Walking around with them, in heels and with my hair down, even some of it in my face. Usually I can’t stand having my hair in my face, but with them its seems natural, so I let my hair hang across my cheek and only tucked it behind one ear. I love my dark hair, it isn’t like all the bleach blondes’ who I go to school with. Even though I’m not tan and I don’t have blonde hair, yesterday I really felt like I belonged. As superficial as that is it means something because for the first time in a long while I felt beautiful, I felt confidant. It really was a head rush.

Mama is unhappy because I am staying out late more. I don’t understand why though, she always knows where I am and calls me every hour anyway. She knows I’m not out doing drugs or something like that. She also think's my hair looks better off my face, it is a lot easier when it is up, but at school I need to look put together, like Camille, so i wear it down.

Camille convinced me to ask *him to Sadie’s. I’m very scared, but she taught me how to do my makeup so that it won’t run and will look sort of like hers. I still don’t understand how she is so put together all the time. I am a nervous wreck! I’m still not going to put his name in here until he says yes or no, it might be bad luck.

11-26-05
Dear Diary

I asked *him yesterday he said yes!!! Not only did he say yes but he said : “Absolutely Lottie.” He still doesn’t know what he means to me, he barely knows me at all, I’m not going to write his name until he knows everything. I know I should be happy and I am it’s just that now I am really in the spotlight at school. I think I might understand why Camille complains. Now all of my friends like Nina ask me for help with boy problems, even though I have never even had a boyfriend, asking someone to Sadie’s is more than they have done. Now I have to keep up appearances all the time. It’s a lot of pressure, and then what if he has a horrible time and then the whole school finds out how awkward it was! My main concern is Nina, how do I tell her that she isn’t put together enough to ask her crush to Sadie’s? She really isn’t though, her eye make up is badly done and she wears the same jacket every day and her hair is greasy. I love her, she is like my sister, my little sister though, and I’m not sure what to do because now she looks to me for her example! Is that what I did to Camille? Maybe that is why she helped me put myself together. I cried when school ended today,because everything seems so backwards, but no one saw because I was alone in my car. Even if they had seen me it wouldn’t matter. I was wearing water proof mascara, which is thankfully tear proof too.