Despair

Anxious, waiting for that man I met over the internet. I knew it was risky to meet someone like this but he was special. An extraordinary connection was made the first time I wrote him.
Sitting alone at the table, I'm waiting with butterflies in my stomach. I have never been this nervous before. Not even when I gave birth for my two kids.
A hand on my shoulder surprised me. There he is, standing in front of me. This surprisingly tall man, older than I thought, wasn't actually what I was expecting. He was better.
Charisma. This man woke up feelings that had not been in my heart in a long time. Attraction, passion, desire. It is actually only physical. He kept on talking about him, his job, his love for animals and all I could think about was him kissing me, touching me.
Lunch is over. We have to go to our respective jobs. I walk him to his truck. I can't believe this man has any interest in me. He is absolutely all I've been looking for. He kisses me. I wanted to melt right there, in his arms. Of course I couldn't concentrate at all at work. Daydreaming about him, his body, his lips, his hands.
We spent the night on the phone talking. I was listening to his stories, he was listening to mine, slowly getting to know each other. Over the months we became intimate but it was clear between us that we would not be together. I thought I could handle it. Secretly, my feelings for him grew and turned into love. He will never know.
We are in November now. November 7th 2005. I'm still madly in love with him. Although last week he asked me to stop seeing each other. He has a girlfriend and finds it harder to see each other. I suppose he feels guilty or doesn't have the time anymore. Whatever the reason is, I accepted the situation even if it's torturing me to know he's with someone else. I love him to death and would give my world away to be part of his.
He called me last night. He wanted to see me. I accepted but, he never showed up. If only he knew how much it hurts. I wish he knew how hard it is for me to let him go like this. If only he knew how hard I'm willing to fight for him. Instead, I fight myself. I stop myself from going crazy thinking about him. I stop myself from calling him, seeing him.
I don't know why I love him this much. Probably because I know he's inaccessible. That way I know I'll never get hurt. Or maybe because of his simplicity. Everything is so easy for him, or seems to be. I wish I'd be in control. I wish I had the power to make him love me. But I don't, and I can't change it.