Segment 19

Finally, we have a conversation

         This is not how it ends.
         “Hello, Captain. Up and about already, I see.”
         “Ah . . . yes. Yes, sir, General. I’ve been feeling better and I, I figured I’d heal faster if I was moving around a bit.”
         “Mm. Do you really think it makes a difference? In the rate of your healing?”
         “Well, sir, with all due respect, it feels like it does. And even if it doesn’t, I’d rather be on my feet. I’m more useful that way, I think. Nervous energy, I guess. I don’t want to sit still if I can help it.”
         “That’s good to hear.”
         “Thank you, sir.”
         “Walk with me a while, Captain. Please.”
         “Ah, sir? I’m afraid I don’t-“
         ”You said you were capable of moving, am I correct?”
         “Yes, I did, I said I can . . .”
         “Then you’re clearly able to take a short walk. Please, come with me.”
         “Yes sir. Coming right along.”
         Oh, the sky is so clear, empty of anything that might resemble dreams. These are the vestiges, the coils in my brain.
         “So how do you feel, Captain, honestly?”
         “I, well, sir . . . I feel all right, really.”
         “No lingering effects at all? You’re as fresh as the day you were born? I find that hard to believe, Captain. When we found you, you had nearly discorporated entirely. That’s completely gone, now? Don’t take me for a fool, Captain.”
         “I’m sorry, sir, I . . . sometimes I guess, I still feel . . . detached is the best word I can come up with. Like parts of me are still fading in and out, like I’m not totally solid yet.”
         “Yes, I suspected that, actually.”
         “But it’s getting better, it was much worse when I first got back and now I barely notice it. Just once in a while. I’m not about to fall through the street or anything.”
         Below us, endless ocean. Men shout out orders on distant breezes. I’m part of this. I can’t believe it, but I am.
         “That’s comforting. I want you to update the medical staff every day on your status, then, so that we make sure you don’t fall out of phase again.”
         “If you want, sir. But I think I’ll be all right. Besides, if I may be candid, the medics are making me kind of nervous with the way they look at me.”
         “I’m sure they have your best interests in mind.”
         “That may be, but I swear I heard the words `test case’ thrown around more than once, sir.”
         “It’s all in the pursuit of knowledge, Captain. Be glad I denied their request to dissect you.”
         “. . . sir?”
         “Yes?”
         “Ah, was that a joke, sir? Because I-“
         ”I think it is whatever I say it is, wouldn’t you say? Hm? That’s the beauty of being in charge.”
         “I’ll take your word for it, if that’s okay. But I think I get your point, sir.”
         “I’m glad. I would hate to think that I’m being misinterpreted, especially by a senior officer.”
         “Understood, sir.”
         The world, it twirls. The air’s fresh, I’ve got the sun in my eyes and it’s glorious, it melts everything away. It’s not spring, but it will do. It has to.
         “I’ll have you know, Captain, you gave the away team quite a scare, for a time. We thought we were going to lose you at several points. They were following you, but they had no idea what they were witnessing. Still, they kept the trail up. It was tricky, but they did it.”
         “Yes, I think I might have . . . I’d like to thank them, sir, personally, for doing that. For not losing sight of me. It seems appropriate.”
         “No need, Captain. They’ve been commended already, and they were only doing their jobs, in the end. We account for every man, no matter how twisted his path.”
         “Is that what happened to me, sir? Did my path get . . . twisted?”
         “Is that what you think happened, Captain?”
         “Ah, I, I was hoping that you’d be able to tell me because I’m not exactly sure what . . .”
         “I’m going to admit something to you, Captain, that I rarely admit to many people. I have very little idea what happened to you. Oh, I have a few vague theories but based on what I do know, one thing is clear to me. I’m not quite certain how you survived. On the contrary, I was hoping that you’d be able to enlighten me on what happened to you.”
         “Was it . . . it was that serious, sir? At the time it didn’t seem . . .”
         “Captain, you were utterly discorporated, you were slipping in and out of time streams without any kind of protection and you were leaving shredded pieces of yourself behind as some kind of trail. How you didn’t fall apart completely or even lasted longer than five minutes in that state is, frankly, beyond me. Combining that with the fact that you managed to retain enough self of sense to pull yourself back together when help arrived, I have to say that if I were one to believe in miracles, you would have used up enough for a long time.”
         “Um, can I call it willpower and leave it at that?”
         “No, I’m afraid not. However, it may be the only answer we have for the moment. How did it start, Captain? Were you close to her?”
         “Sir?”
         “She was in the center of every scene, Captain, each one of your detached fever-dreams seemed to revolve around her, as best we could tell, the few times we could get a clear view of what was going on. I’m not even sure if you were in the right frame the entire time. But the girl, Captain, what happened to her?”
         I haven’t seen a bird in the longest time. That’s all right, though. Ramps link us, and we walk where we have no choice. I’ll never know why he wasted this much time with me. Why he bothered.
         “She died. Sir.”
         “People die all the time, Captain. You have to do better than that.”
         “Not my friends and not that young.”
         “She won’t be the last, I’m sure. But what made this one special? I prefer it when my subordinates answer my questions, Captain.”
         “Ah. I . . . I saw her die, sir. I was present and I wasn’t expecting to be. It came as a surprise, I think.”
         “You think?”
         “Things got a bit . . . fuzzy, at times. I told you, I’m not entirely sure what happened. It all blurs together, that’s the only way I can describe it. But I saw her die, I know that much.”
         “And when was it?”
         “It was . . . at the time I thought it was the near future, she was still young, sir . . . but now I’m not sure. It may have happened already.”
         “And this event was what triggered whatever happened to you. You’re certain of this?”
         “Yes, sir. I’m sure of that. After that, everything spiralled from there.”
         “Just from a death? I find that hard to believe, Captain.”
         “I’m . . . well, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. But it’s the truth, as far as I know.”
         “You’re no stranger to death, Captain. That wasn’t the first time you’ve seen someone die, was it?”
         “No. No, it wasn’t.”
         “Both of your parents died, before you entered our service.”
         “Why, yes, they did, sir. I’m impressed you remember that.”
         “I don’t forget anything, Captain. That’s something you should keep in mind. Do you remember what I said to you, when I recruited you into our ranks?”
         We’ve gone a meager mile and we haven’t hit the halfway point yet. Arms wheel under a cloudless sky. I could see them rotate, in their forever dance, until the whole affair contracts and goes away. I don’t know where you are. I’m sorry. I just don’t.
         “I do. You said it was a chance for me to see some things that I had never seen before.”
         “And?”
         “I have, sir. But not all of them have been good.”
         “True, but I never said they would be, did I?”
         “Not as far as I know.”
         “Good, then you have been paying attention.”
         “I try, sir.”
         “You never answered my question from before, Captain. Were you close to her?”
         “I . . . yes. We’d known each other for a long time. Since we were children, we grew up together, basically.”
         “Then, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. We meet a lot of people in this life, Captain, but get close to very few. It’s not easy, I imagine.”
         “Thank you, sir. She, we never expected her to live very long . . . she was born with a condition and I think she was . . . lucky to live as long as she did. Maybe not luck but . . . she could have died a lot younger, when she was a baby they only gave her a few months. So I don’t know, it’s better than nothing, I guess but . . .”
         “Do you really think so, Captain?”
         “I, no. No, I don’t. I’m not saying she should have never been born but . . . to me, it feels like losing, when you die. Because you miss out, on everything. It doesn’t matter that she should have died sooner, the point is she didn’t live longer. And it doesn’t feel right, to die so young, when life is short already.”
         “You joined for that reason, didn’t you, Captain? Because you felt life was too short and wanted a chance to see it all.”
         “Are you reading my psych evaluations again, sir?”
         “Call it insight, Captain. I don’t need to be a genius to see it in you. You’re the first to request assignments at the far corners of existence, you spend your leave in other dimensions, I don’t think you’ve been back in the city for more than a few weeks straight since you started with us.”
         “I’m doing my best to stay active, sir. With all due respect, I’m no good to anyone just sitting in a room doing paperwork. I’m trying to learn through experience, as best I can.”
         “Mm, that’s interesting. Did you want to save her, Captain?”
         “Excuse me?”
         I haven’t decided yet, what I’m going to do. Enjoy the day, perhaps, in all its splendor. Maybe take things out of order for a while, just because I can. Watch the future in my own absence and try to guess what I’m going to be like down the line. Make a drinking game out of every bad habit I can’t get rid of.
         “You were careening from moment to moment, you were trapped inside of her life. Did you want to warn her what was coming? Or pull her out, maybe, and spare her what was coming?”
         “Honestly, I had no control over where I was going, sir. I don’t even remember much of it, except that she was there and sometimes I was there. It wasn’t pleasant, sir. All I know is that I wanted to get out. I was in no position to do anything other than watch.”
         The day is too long and too short and what we try to fit in, always leaves something else out. The ocean trembles and the air whispers and that’s all there is, sometimes. I don’t know what he’s trying to tell me.
         “But would you have saved her, if you were able to reach out and snatch her away? If you could have done more than simply witness?”
         “You can’t change history, sir. Even when you want to, you can’t.”
         “That’s the proper answer, Captain, which is fine. You paid attention during orientation. But I want your answer. There are things that we say when we think we’ll know what we’re going to do in a given situation and there’s what we actually do when the situation arrives. You’ve been in the situation now, Captain. I want to know how you wanted to react.”
         “Ah, is this a test, sir?”
         “Even if it was, what does it matter? It’s a question, Captain, because like anybody else, I’m curious. I deal in variables and I like to know which way someone is going to jump when the time comes.”
         “But it’s hard to say unless-“
         ”Are you afraid of punishment, Captain? Is that why you hesitate? I’m going to tell you, then, what my plans are for you, before you answer.”
         I want to walk right off the edge, into forever. I want to find the source of the sun and see if you’re there, somewhere. Because you never know until you look. And I don’t know.
         “That’s not necessary, I’m just-“
         ”You’re going to take a couple of days off, to recover from this. Afterwards I’m going to assign you to your own galaxy and specifically your own solar system, to act as a liason between the various races there and us. Things are happening to the point where I think we’re going to need more of an active presence in the area.”
         “It sounds like you’re making me into a diplomat, sir.”
         “You can call it whatever you like, as long as the job gets done. If you want to shoot things instead, you can, but I suspect that won’t make you too popular with the locals.”
         What people tell me, I don’t understand. What I tell people, they don’t get. But he got me and we understood each other and maybe that explains part of it. You can’t replace one thing with another and expect the same fit, but you can come close. That’s what I’m trying to say. I told you. That’s what I was saying.
         “Probably true but I still don’t see what the purpose is . . .”
         “And that’s part of the reason why I’m doing this. Because you don’t see the purposes yet. Right now, you’re still locked into the mindset of an explorer, pushing yourself to see bigger and bigger things. But the small stuff still applies, Captain and we’re not living some kind of grand adventure. This is real and what we do has actual ramifications, sometimes beyond what we expect.”
         “So this is a lesson?”
         “An experience, so to speak. You have to learn how to apply what you see and not just see it. See things not as alien but as extensions of what you already know and that such things can be manipulated the same as anything else. You joined us not just so you can see strange things, Captain, but so you could make a difference and I think it’s time you started learning how.”
         “I see. If you were one of my parents, this is the moment where you would point out that this is for my own good. Sir.”
         “Think what you like of it, Captain, but I suspect you’ll find that you’re more skilled at it than you imagine.”
         “I was never any good with learning curves, sir. They tend to trip me up.”
         “We’ll see. But it’s going to happen, the paperwork has already been submitted to your division commander. So however you answer my question, it doesn’t matter. So, please. I believe you were about to enlighten me.”
         “You could just shoot me, you know, and be done with it.”
         “Just answer the question, Captain. That’s an order. Would you have saved her?”
         We would watch the stars and wonder how deep they went. There aren’t any here, in the cloudless sky, but I can see them anyway, when I stare in the right direction.
         “Yes and no, sir. I wanted to save her, sir, everything in me wanted to make sure that she lived. But to just take her, that’s not how things are done, sir. And I know that, even though it hurts to say it. Even though I had to watch her die.”
         “But would you save her?”
         “I’m getting to that. Yes, sir, I would. But not then, not in the moments I was trapped in. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time here, it’s that taking the easiest way out is never the right way. And if you wait long enough, a better opportunity will present itself. I want to save her, sir, but I’m patient enough to wait until it’s possible. It may take a long time but changing what we know is never the answer. There’s always another option. It takes time, that’s all. And we’ve got that.”
         Where does my voice go, when my words end? If I can cross the barrier, I’d tell you this and tell you to wait, to be patient and just wait. It’ll happen, some day. I know this but I don’t know how.
         “And that’s your answer, Captain?”
         “As honest as I can be, sir. Yes.”
         I’ll reach out a hand somehow.
         “Hm, that’s interesting, then. You may be more ready for this assignment than you realize.”
         “Sir?”
         You have to try, too, if you can, and we’ll figure it out.
         “That’s all for now, Captain. Dismissed, and report back to me in two days for briefing. I want you to hit the ground running.”
         Someday. I tell you.
         “I will. Thank you, sir.”
         Sometime, is the whisper from somewhere ahead.
         The sun’s going down, but there are no stars. You get used to it, after a while. I’ll bring you here, I’ll make you see.
         “There’s always time. If nothing else, we always have that.”
         Shadows lengthen, fragment, fade. But don’t disappear. The mark always remains.
         “And nothing lasts. Even the permanent things. Remember that, and it’ll be easier.”
         But I can’t read the signs.
         “But where do we go-“
         And he can’t tell me what it means.
         “No. You’ll have to find out on your own.”
         Still, he’ll never be anything less than honest.
         “And when you do, be sure to let me know, please.”
         In the wake of time we’ll know. In the end.
         “I will, sir.”
         That’s all. It’s all we have.
         And there we part, in the forever city.