Hollywood North

Hollywood North

“Pick up the phone Sandeep! Bzzz, Bzzz.” The cell phone vibrated.

He was dreaming of sunset.

“Pick up the phone Sandeep! Bzzz, Bzzz.” In Sandeep’s own voice as the phone inched toward the corner of the coffee table.

He could feel Olga’s lips on his.

“Pick up the phone Sandeep! Bzzz—Clunk!” The phone knocked the beer glass over the edge and it fell and hit Sandeep right in the nose. His eyes opened, seeing the ladies on the ceiling as he tasted blood and felt his nose spewing out warm chocolate syrup. “Pick up—” He reached and muted the phone.

Stumbling out of his sleeping bag, he fumbled for some toilet paper, which he found atop a stack of Maxims.

It was two p.m., half an hour before the game.
Still in his tighty-whities, he hopped out of the window of his place with his costume in tow, changing into Chief Busy Bee and flying down the fire escape.

Ten minutes later he was at GM place. The other two mascots were just warming up. Out on the court Chief Running Boar launched off a trampoline, back flipped in the air, and slammed the ball into the basket. Close behind was Chief Sitting Goose, who bounced off the pad and did a three-sixty dunk. The crowd went berserk.

When Chief Busy Bee came out with arms high up in the air, the crowd raised the dome.

“Busy Bee! Busy Bee! Busy Bee! Busy Bee!” The crowd chanted.

He traveled through the air while juggling three balls, sank one from the free throw line, ally-ooped the second one to Sitting Goose, and reversed dunked the last one.

The crowd exploded. “Bzzzz……Bzzzz…..Bzzzz….” GM place sounded like one giant beehive.

After the Totems-Lakers game began, the Chiefs retired to the back room.

“Alright team, let’s get down to business,” Tamoko popped Running Boar’s head off her shoulders and put it down on the wooden bench beside Busy Bee’s head.

“Gee, they should really make more ventilation on this thing,” Olga peered out from Sitting Goose’s neck.

“Here, have some water,” Sandeep poked a straw through the Goose’s neck.

“Now,” Tomoko began, “Rex Yu’s niece is in the front row with two body guards. In half time, she’ll be escorted into a limosine near the south side door. Remember the plan guys. Think of all the dough. Let’s go over this some more.”

“Okay let’s go Chiefs. It’s half time!” a man budged in and bellowed out.

Busy Bee and Running Boar cart-wheeled all the way to the centre of the court. Running Boar got on its knees and Busy Bee hopped on its shoulders. The spotlight fell on the baseline on Sitting Goose, and followed as it back flipped down the court to the centre. Sitting Goose leapt high up in the air and straddled Busy Bee’s shoulders, completing the totem pole. The drum escalated and stopped. Liv Yu and her men in black got up and headed for the corridor. Sitting Goose spreaded its wings. The audience roared, whistling and clapping their hands, and suddenly ten thousand fans gasped at the same moment. The totem pole had collapsed. Lights came on and the cheerleaders came cart-wheeling out to some Kylie Minogue tune.

Busy Bee and Running Boar were whisked away in stretchers while the crowd rose and applaused.
The two were wheeled into the back room and dumped on the floor.

“The ice packs are in that cooler over there.” One of the stretcher bearers said as they exited the room. No sooner had the men walked out the mascots were on the move. They bolted down the corridor and headed out the door.

They were confronted by a crowd of people outside, holding signs that read “Do You Want Your Injun Supersized?”

“There they are!” a man cried out.

“How blatant!” another shouted.

“Uh oh,” Busy Bee uttered, looking at Running Boar.

“What the fuck! Look at the frowns on those masks!”

The crowd seethed and fumed. Behind the crowd, twelve-year old Liv Yu and her men in black were getting into the limo.

“Change in plan,” Tomoko said to Sandeep, “meet me your place seventeen hundred sharp.”

“What? I thought…” Busy Bee was shoved By Running Boar into the clamoring crowd, “Woa! Woa! Folks it’s just my job!” He pleaded.

Tomoko threw herself in front of the departing limo, and the driver rolled down the window. She hopped around to the side, “Mr. Yu has personally ordered me to keep Ms. entertained.” Tomoko squeezed into the limo and sat with Liv Yu between the two guards, Running Boar’s snout hitting the ceiling as the limo went over a speed bump.

Liv turned and smiled at the mascot, but she didn’t speak.

“Can we turn on some music please?” Tomoko asked and the driver put on the Beat 94.5. The bass boomed, “My middle finger won’t go down, how do I wave!” Eminem raved on the radio. The two men in black bobbed their heads up and down.

“Turn it up a little please—I love this song.” Tomoko requested and the music was cranked up as the limo pulled out of the parking lot, away from the crowd.

POP! Left and right, blood and brain matters splattered the insides of the tinted windows. Two smoking silenced barrels were pointing at the two dead men, their heads on the windows in the bloody messes.

“AAAAAAHHHHH!” Liv shrieked. The driver was hyper-ventilating, glancing back and forth on the road and the rear view mirror. Tomoko pistol whipped Liv, knocking her out. “So what? I’m related to David Suzuki, bitch. Take us to the pier,” Tomoko jerked her left hand back. The pistol cocked, pointing at the driver, “Don’t get cute with me I advise you,” she started ripping off her costume with one hand.

Now in her bra and panties, Tomoko started undressing Liv, unbuttoning the white shirt and slipping off the plaid skirt of her school girl uniform.

“What are you doing?” the driver gasped, peeping off the mirror.

“Kidnapping,” she deadpanned, “with a little hijacking and killing on the side. Keep your eyes on the road.” Tomoko threw on Liv’s outfit. The kid sized shirt clung unbuttoned above Tomoko’s belly, showing her bosom, the skirt flared high above her knees. With swiftness she then put Liv into the oversized costume. The driver started sobbing.

“Where are you going? I said the pier.” Tomoko questioned.

“You don’t understand. Either way I’m dead, either you kill me or Yu will kill me.”

“Huh? Speak English.”

Tires screeched and everything went upside down and spinning. The limo swerved hard to the left and flipped over before being T-boned by an oncoming cab. Both vehicles stopped. Smoke and dust filled the air.

Crawling out of the over turned limo with a pistol in each hand, Tomoko stumbled to the left, to the right. The nearby fire hydrant exploded, washing pieces of scalp and brain off Tomoko and soaking her exposed bra. Everything was spinning and ringing. There was noise and commotion up the road.

Turning the corner, Chief Busy Bee was running this way with a noisy mob in pursuit. Tomoko dropped to her knees, dazed and confused.
A man from the mob reached ahead and tore off Busy Bee’s head as they passed by a mother and her son.

“Mommy look! Mickey Mouse’s Paki!” the kid chirped.

“I told you not to say that word when we’re out here!” the mom smacked the kid.

Eyes half open, Tomoko flailed one of her pistols and raised the other to the mob.

The mob halted. The dust settled. Sandeep was standing between Tomoko and the mob, looking like he had just wetted himself.

“I don’t believe it!” a man in the mob cried out.

“Is—is it really her?” a woman hesitated.

“Yes! It’s—it’s Lucy Liu!” another was overjoyed. Excitement broke through the crowd as it swarmed around Tomoko, kicking up a dust storm.

“I love Charlie’s Angels!”

“I have every episode of Ally McBeal!”

“I walked in on my son with a picture of you!”

Sandeep crept away, “Sorry Tomoko, every man for himself now,” he uttered to himself, dragging Running Boar out of the limo and putting it on his back. Off the corner of his eyes he saw the cab slowly backing up. He looked down and saw the pistol Tomoko flailed.

“Hey buddy, can you like, pop the trunk? Please?” Sandeep jerked his head in the trunk’s direction, holding a gun to the cabbie’s face.

Sandeep dropped Running Boar into the trunk and got in the front seat. “Can you take us to Hastings and Princess?” Sandeep’s right hand held the pistol pointed at the cabbie.

“Sure, do me a favor okay?” the cabbie spoke in a heavy Russian accent.

“What’s that?”

“Next time you try to pull this shit, get in the backseat.” A back fist landed on Sandeep’s nose as the gun was snatched away. The cab peeled out.
Sandeep’s chin was buried in his chest, his eyes half shut and rolling, blood dripping from his nose. As he drifted off into the twilight zone, he heard the far away voice of the cabbie. “Think I’m just a lowly taxi driver? I’m ex-KGB,” the voice said. Darkness descended as the ringing sound faded.

It was pitch black in the room save for the space underneath the hanging lamp. Sandeep opened his eyes and saw himself in a full sized mirror, bent over an ironing board. His hands were tied behind his back. Duck tape covered his tightly stuffed mouth.

“Mmmm….mmm….” he groaned, feeling disoriented. His eyes filled with terror as he saw in the mirror the rugged profile of a bald and topless six-foot-four man emerge from the darkness behind him. It wasn’t the cabbie. Sandeep felt a hand on his right bum cheek.

The man ripped the tape off Sandeep’s face and un-stuffed his mouth.

“OUCH! AW! Fuck!” Sandeep cried out, writhing and smarting from the pain on his face. The man’s crotch was now in Sandeep’s face. ZIP! His fly was now open.

“Please…I’m just a mascot!” Sandeep pleaded, “wait, you like the Totems?”

“Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh…” the man rumbled.

“I can get you autographs—we got Shaq, Michael Jordan Allen Iverson everybody’s on our team!” Sandeep then saw the swastika tattoo buried in the man’s thick chest hair. “You sure don’t want anything to do with me,” Sandeep was hoarse, “please, please, please don’t touch me,” he sobbed.

Suddenly, the hanging lamp started shaking and clinking. Something droned in the background. The place shook. Suddenly everything went super nova bright as the roof was lifted off. The skinhead fell to the floor, his hand over his face. Sandeep turned himself over on the ironing board, blinded by the light. The roof ascended, hoisted by a hundred foot blimp that read “CityTV.” An onboard fifty caliber machine gun opened fire, cutting the skinhead in half. A robot arm reached down, clutched Sandeep, and retracted. The roof came crashing down as the blimp soared.

Sandeep looked down from way up as they were sailing west over Burnaby, “phew, I don’t know how to thank you.” His hands were now magically untied.

Light glittered on Rex Yu’s glasses, his tie fluttering in the wind. “Ha, I only saved your worthless life so you can tell me where you took my niece!”

“How do you know?” Sandeep gasped.

“I know everything!” Rex Yu grinned, “Hmm!” the grin disappeared.

“It wasn’t me Sandeep I swear!” A familiar female voice. Olga. Her hands were cuffed over her head to a window.

“Olga!” Sandeep ran over and wrapped himself around her, “how did you—”

“They took me away after the game,” Olga swallowed hard, “then he said you were with my cousin Wolfgang, then, we were over his house and then,” she fought to control herself, “they shot him they shot him,” she broke down.

“That—uh—Nazi back there?” Sandeep raised an eyebrow.

“He used to be such a sweet guy, then he went to jail and came out like that.”
Silence.

“um,” Sandeep cleared his throat, “why are you wearing a kimono?”

Olga lifted up her head, her eyes burning with rage at Rex Yu.

“Oh no,” Sandeep looked at Rex, “you pervert!”

Rex Yu grinned with pride, “I own everything! I know everything! Muahaha—Muaha.”

“Question, if you know everything, where’s little Livy?” Sandeep quipped.

“You shut up!” Rex Yu growled, his hair, coat, and tie suddenly fluttering. The currents on board turned violent. A Sea King appeared roaring beside the blimp. A soldier in fatigues sat at the door of the chopper with a bullhorn and an M16.

“This is Sergeant Focker Canadian Forces. You are to follow us to CFB Comox, and you will hand over the hostages. Mr. Yu, the kidnapping of your niece is under federal investigation.” The soldier spoke.

Rex Yu grimaced and turned to his pilot, “pick up some speed god damn it!” The blimp accelerated, so did the Sea King, the engines roaring to a high pitch.

Thud! A trail of black smoke appeared from the chopper.

“Mayday! Mayday!” the Sea King plunged.

“No! Not GM place! The Canucks are playing tonight!” wailed Sergeant Focker to his pilot.

The Sea King took a dive for Chinatown.

Kaboom!

Rex Yu straightened his collar and looked at his men in black. They shrugged. No shots had been fired.

“Well, let’s hope that wasn’t the entire fleet muahaha,” Rex Yu laughed, “slow down minion!” he growled at his pilot, “and you,” turning to Sandeep, “you will tell me everything. Everything!”

The two men in black that had stood silent and motionless thus far inched toward Sandeep, drawing their guns.

Click. “Hold it!” Olga pointed a gun at Rex Yu, “drop them!” She said to the men in black. She had picked her cuffs. The men in black looked at each other and shrugged. One raised his gun at Olga, the other pointed his at Sandeep.

“Weeeee—what a predicament!” laughed Rex Yu.

“Hey! You got that line from Face Off!” quipped Sandeep.

“I own Hollywood I own everything!” raved Rex Yu.
Suddenly everything quaked.

“Hang tight boss! Turbulence!” shouted the pilot.

The men in black dropped to
their knees and vomited all over each other.

Bang! Bang! They were covered in each other’s bits of brains. Smoke came out of Olga’s gun barrel.

“What the,” hissed Rex Yu.

“Hey Rex, think fast,” Sandeep hurled a football. The ball shot past Rex Yu out of the ship. Rex Yu fixed his glasses. In slow motion, Sandeep rushed Rex Yu, picking him up. Rex Yu drew his gun but it was too late.

“Aaaaahhhhhh!” Rex Yu fell off the ship backward, “you go down with me!” He emptied his chamber into the hull, falling, “Muahaha—Muahahaha,” his laugh fading.

“We’re losing pressure!” cried the pilot, “uh!” he was knocked out by Sandeep, who moved into his seat, pushing buttons.

“You know how to fly this thing?” Olga’s eyes glistened.

“Don’t worry baby I got it,” Sandeep assured, “uh—never mind she’s out of control.”

They jumped overboard in tight embrace into the Georgia Strait.

The horizon was splashed with an orange hue by the sinking sun. Riding on petals of blooming ripples, the deflated balloon emerged. Atop were Sandeep and Olga, in passionate tongue kissing, drifting all the way across the placid sea, into the big pumpkin sunset as darkness was befalling—lasting a moment—then broad day light.

Somewhere in the woods on Salt Spring Island, a pair of eyes opened. An outward facing half fist rose to the chin, the pinky raising to the lips.

CUT!

To Be Continued.