Meet Mr. Blizzard

Background: I wrote this a few years ago, when my husband did quite a lot of traveling as a computer software consultant. The only problem was that every time he left, a huge snowstorm or ice storm would move in. I wrote this as a playful poke at him, probably as my son and I were snowbound…

I would like to produce a new offering in children's television viewing. I call the show "Ask Mr. Blizzard". I humbly submit the following two episodes, which I have scripted:



"MEET MR. BLIZZARD"

Episode 1:
"The Iceman Leaveth"

[Scene opens with Mr. Blizzard daydreaming about his upcoming trip. Comic-strip
balloon overhead shows images of an airplane, suitcase, swim trunks. Awakened
from his reverie, he smiles menacingly into the camera.]

Mr. Blizzard:[To TV Audience] Hello, and welcome to the show. Today, we will be honing our preliminary packing skills, while simultaneously making impromptu travel arrangements...Wait! do I hear someone at the door?

[He goes towards the door, making sure the camera is following his every move,
and then, with a flourish, opens the door of his house, to reveal a group of neighborhood kids, hoping for an invitation to come inside.]

Mr. Blizzard: Hi, kids!

Kids [in chorus]: HI, Mr. Blizzard!!

Mr. Blizzard: Are you all set for learning how to pack and make spur-of-the-moment travel arrangements? I have to schedule an out-of-state trip today, so I can do both things while you watch and take copious notes...

1st Girl: Do you really think you OUGHT to? I mean, with your track record and
all...

1st Boy: Yeah, Mr. Blizzard. People ARE starting to talk. They say that all
you have to do is THINK about going somewhere and before you know it, WE get hit with a snow or ice storm of gigantic proportions!!


Mr. Blizzard: All of that is based on rumor, conjecture, innuendo, and circumstantial evidence. I am planning on leaving Sunday morning for a trip to sunny California. What could be more harmless than that?

2nd Girl: Do you call THIS circumstantial evidence? This is a sketch I made of
the Doppler radar screen from the Weather Channel this morning, complete with
color-coded areas, showing storm strength and intensity. As you can see, we are going to get the brunt of the storm sometime on Sunday morning.

Mr. Blizzard: Now, look. I have to go. It's my job. [Picks up phone to begin making airline and hotel reservations; camera pans to window, shows that, right on cue, the flurries have started.]

2nd Boy: Oh. You mean it's because you have to go to another city and state, and work as a software consultant at a client site, in order to fulfill your contractual obligations to your employer?

Mr. Blizzard: [Smiles benignly at child, and tousles his hair before beginning to speak.] Heck, NO. I mean it's my job as Mr. Blizzard. If I don't travel, there goes my notoriety. Once {b/}that'sgone, there go my network sponsors, and then the sales dry up for the Mr. Blizzard action figure doll (complete with suitcase, airline tickets, and hovering, overhead storm clouds), Mr. Blizzard sweatshirts, the complete line of Mr. Blizzard thermal undergarments and Mr. Blizzard junk foods. So, you see, I have to go. Lots of people are counting on me for employment. So, it's really a selfless act on my part.

[Before any more explanation can be put forth, Mr. Blizzard looks at the clock].

Mr. Blizzard: Well, LOOK at the time. [Ushers his charges towards the door]. Well, next time, we WILL get some hands-on experience with packing and reservations-making skills. [Kids groan in disappointment. Mr. Blizzard tries his best to offer some tidbit of positive reinforcement, so that he can entice yet another audience to tune in]. Don't worry, kids, there'll be PLENTY of opportunities for all that. I've got upcoming trips to Puerto Rico, Texas, and Boston. So long, kids. See you next time!!

Kids [In chorus]: Good-bye, Mr. Blizzard. [Door opens, and gale-force winds blow in mounds of snow. Camera closes scene with Mr. Blizzard pushing mightily against the door, trying to close it, while at the same time, trying to dial the phone.]


Episode 2:
All 'Hail' Mr. Blizzard

[Mr. Blizzard walks across the stage, phone cradled between his neck and shrugged-up shoulder. Arms are loaded with clothes that are to be packed for an upcoming trip. Looks directly at the camera, while still speaking on the phone.] "Yes, first-class will be fine. That will make the trip perfect. Yes. Thank you."


[Winking slyly at the camera, he speaks to the children already gathered at his feet.] "OK, kids. It's time to start learning. When making travel arrangements, always make them on the spur-of-the-moment. It always pays off. Just like right now. The airline had no more seats available in coach. I used a few frequent-flyer miles, and boom! I'm upgraded to first-class. Same with the hotel. Got a corporate account with a posh hotel chain. They had no more regular rooms left, so they're putting me in their executive suite. Ahhh. Not bad for a morning's work. Whaddya say, everybody?"

1st Boy, haltingly: "Gee Mr. Blizzard, I don't know. It LOOKS like the skies are clear, but I don't know 'bout this..."

1st Girl: Yeah, the weather is one thing, all right, but how ya going to break this to your wife and son? About the deluxe travel arrangements and all, I mean. How're they going to take it when you're living it up, and they're stuck back here in the miserable weather that will surely come?"

Mr. Blizzard: [Chuckles to himself at the keen insight shown by the neighborhood kids.] "Heh,heh. You all have brought up some interesting points, very good points, indeed. Some of the points, in fact, that I have struggled with myself during these past few years when leaving home for sunnier, warmer climes. As for what I will tell my family, I like to go with the "honesty is the best policy" route. I'll just tell them that wherever I'm going, it will be 'boring'."

[Kids, laughing hysterically, slapping one another on the back.]" You've got to be kidding! First-class airplane ride and the EXECUTIVE suite? Boring??? Who's going to believe that???"

Mr. Blizzard, momentarily stunned, flipping through the script to see what it was he missed during rehearsal]: "Why, my saintly wife will believe me!! And, Jeff, my son, I'll take him to the arcade for video games, why, he'll believe me!!"

2nd Girl, in between gasps of air from laughing so hard: Oh, Mr. Blizzard! You are a stitch!! They may say that they believe you, but who in their right mind REALLY WILL??? Especially with all the talk in the neighborhood regarding all the weather-related crises they have had to endure in your absence??"

Mr. Blizzard, starting to feel threatened by this line of questioning, re-directs the conversation, points to mountain of clothes and suitcase]: So. Anyone want to see how I put all of these clothes into one suitcase? Impossible, you say? Well, maybe for a novice packer, it would be. But I'm going to show you all of my tips for packing compactly and quickly. You just never know when an impromptu trip is going to pop up. Got to be prepared to pack and leave quickly!"

1st Boy, [glances up from suitcase, and looks out window, does a double-take]:"Mr. Blizzard...."

Mr. Blizzard: "Not now. Please hold all your questions 'til the end. I'm on a roll now...and speaking of roll...do not roll up socks when packing!! Takes up much too much room. Instead, lay them flat across your different layers of clothes. You can always match 'em up once you get to your exec--er--hotel room."


1st Boy: “But, Mr. Blizzard...the skies..."

[Everyone's attention is now drawn towards the billowing, turbulent clouds now covering the skies.]

2nd Boy: "How DO you do that, Mr. Blizzard? Just throwing clothes into a suitcase seems to be all that you need to do create what they call a 'wintry precipitation event' on the weather channel. I'll bet that if we take some of these clothes out...[begins taking out top layer of packed clothes...The clouds begin to thin out and lighten]

Mr. Blizzard: "Don't do that...here, give them back to me. [Begins tug-of-war with boy, until clothes are ripped apart. Mr. Blizzard stubbornly refuses to see the connection, until...

Kids [in chorus]: "Look, Mr. Blizzard!!..."

Mr. Blizzard: Hmmm. So it's hailing, sleeting AND snowing, all at the same time.
Interesting phenomenon. I'd love to talk about it, but, sorry, kids, we're just about out of time now. We'll do that next show. In the meantime, next time you go shopping with Mommy and Daddy, remember to tell them that you want the complete line of ALL Mr. Blizzard products--the Mr. Blizzard action figure doll (luggage and outfits each sold separately), Mr. Blizzard suntan and frostbite protection combination lotion (because you just NEVER know when the weather's going to turn sour!). And most of all, remember to buy ALL the Mr. Blizzard Junk Food and Non-Nutritious Artery Cloggers! See you next time!"

[Camera fades, as kids try to wrestle suitcase from Mr. Blizzard, as storm intensifies outside.]