Sunday at Stella's

Sunday at Stella's

Characters:
Steve Sliney – Store Manager – 1
Greg Oregon – Cashier – 2
Mary – An employee, hypnotized into a nun – 1
Teresa – An employee, hypnotized into a nun – 1
Natasha Raskolnikov – An employee, hypnotized to love Ben – 1
Benjamin Bigsby – An employee, hypnotized to love Natasha – 1
HypnoManiac – Hypnotist – 2
Officer Oscar – Police Officer
Officer Mayer – Slow-witted Police Officer
Isabelle – Elderly shopper – 2
Jacques LeBlanc – A French shopper. Speaks no English – 2
Teddy Stickyfingers – Shoplifter – 2
Roberto “Wrinkle Free” Capelli – Mafia Don
2 Mobsters – 2

Synopsis:
Officers Oscar and Mayer attempt to apprehend Capelli and other mobsters. Their efforts are hampered by the employees and other shoppers.

Script:
Open scene. Ben, Natasha, Mary, Theresa, and Greg are milling around. There is a piano in the corner, and Christmas songs are being played quietly. Ben is on one side of the stage, talking to Mary and Theresa, and Natasha is on the other with Greg. There are four chairs in the center, and Christmas decorations on the walls.

Ben: So then, after I pitched the perfect game for my high school team, I went to the football game, and scored four touchdowns. It was pretty amazing, if I may say so myself.

Mary: It is amazing.

Theresa: You are amazing, Ben!

Mary: Yeah! Why don't you have a girlfriend?

Ben: Well, you know, I just haven't found the right girl. I need someone who will care for me all the time. She has to be attractive, and willing to be there whenever I need her.

They continue talking quietly.

Natasha: (To Greg) Did you hear that? He's so full of himself. (Mocking) “After I pitched the perfect game, I met the President, cured cancer and invented instant pudding.”

Greg: Come on now, he didn't say that.

Natasha: No, but that'll be his next story. He's a conceited, lying man, and I hate him. Gah!

Enter Sliney.

Sliney: And now, the entertainment for the night, the amazing, wonderful, HypnoManiac!

Hypno: OK, everybody, I need some volunteers.

Ben: I'll do it.

Hypno: (Guiding Ben into seat on left end of row) Great. Now, a hypnotist cannot make anyone do anything he or she is morally opposed to. That means I need some women with loose morals.

Mary and Teresa: Ooh! We'll do it!

Hypno: (Guiding them into seats on right end of row.) Fantastic! And now, we need one more... (Pointing at Natasha) You, miss! Will you be willing to try?

Natasha: (Reluctantly) Sure. (She sits down between Ben and Patrick, and slides her chair as far away from Ben as she can.)

Ben: Why do you slide away from me? Am I not good enough for you? Just because you went to Vassar and I went to driving school? Is that it?

Natasha: No. It's because you're an egocentric little weasel.

Hypno: I sense a little animosity. Everyone, stare at my watch. Stare at it. Gaze intently upon its shiny casing. You're getting tired, your eyelids are beginning to close. You're asleep! (Everyone slumps down) Now listen to my voice. Concentrate. Listen. You two women of loose morals, when you arise, you will be nuns. Completely dedicated to chastity and charity, you will be pillars of moral excellence. Do you understand? (Mary and Teresa nod) Good... You two, full of hate, you will be filled with only love for each other when you arise. You will worship the ground the other walks on, and you will be madly in love. Do you understand? (Ben and Natasha nod) Excellent. Now, all of you, I will direct you to arise. You will still be sleeping, but you will get up and move around. You will be under my spell, and you will act out your roles. You will awaken when I snap my fingers. When I snap my fingers, you will awaken. Do you understand? (All nod) Good. Arise!

Ben, Natasha, Mary and Theresa arise, and look at each other. Natasha slides back to Ben's side, and Mary and Theresa seem appalled at each other's skimpy clothing. Hypnotist's cell phone rings.

Hypno: Hello? The ostrich did what? And it's coming out of where? Oh, no! (Runs off stage)
Sliney: (To Greg) Well, that ended abruptly. (To everyone)Everyone, go home. It's an early day tomorrow.

Curtain closes. Capelli walks out with Mobsters.

Capelli: I can't believe they found our safe house. You nitwits. You almost got us arrested. Now what are we going to do?

Mobster 1: What about Stella's?

Capelli: Stella? Your grandmother?

Mobster 2: No, boss. The department store.

Mobster 1: Yeah, nobody ever goes there.

Capelli: Stella's, eh? I like the sound of that.

All exit. Front curtain opens to Police Station, with second (black) curtain still closed. There are two desks on either side, Oscar is at one, Mayer at the other. Oscar's phone rings.

Oscar: Roberto “Wrinkle Free” Capelli, on Main Street? Right in front of Stella's department store? Really? I'll be right down. (Hangs up)

Mayer: Can I come, boss? Can I? Please? Can I, can I can I?

Oscar: Cannae is a battle between Rome and Carthage. And I'd really rather you not come with me. I don't want you to mess this up.

Mayer: But, Officer Oscar, how can I learn if I don't come with you?

Oscar: Fine, you can come along, but don't do anything stupid.

They rush out. Front curtain closes. Enter Capelli with Mobsters.

Capelli: Stella's, we're finally here. This'll be good.

Mobster 1: Stella's is like a home away from home for me, boss. I spent my childhood here.

Mobster 2: Me too. I know all the good hiding places, and where all the good bugs hide.

Mobster 1: Good bugs?

Mobster 2: I got hungry.

Capelli: Boys, boys. We're here, at last.

Both curtains open, exposing the store. Greg is behind register, looking extremely bored. Ben and Natasha are on the left, far too occupied with each other. Mary and Teresa are on the right, wearing habits.

Capelli: Let's go into the back room, to hide. There'll be nobody there.

Mobsters exit. Enter Sliney.

Sliney: Greg, what are you doing?

Greg: (nervously) Waiting, sir.

Sliney: Waiting for what?

Greg: Customers, sir.

Sliney: You look like a slug, just sitting there. Do something.

Greg: Like what? I haven't had a customer all day. I cleaned everything. All the racks are sorted by size, style, and color. There is nothing left to do.

Sliney: (Pulls out a toothbrush) Clean more.

Greg grumbles, but starts cleaning floor on hands and knees. Enter Oscar and Mayer. Sliney runs up to them.

Sliney: Officers, thank goodness you're here! I've seen the mobsters in here already. I'm sure some of my staff has seen them, too.

Oscar: Good. Round them up for interviews. We'll talk to them individually, or in groups of one.

Sliney: Ben, you go first.

Ben: But, I can't leave my beloved.

Natasha: Ben, don't go without me.

Ben: I wasn't planning on it, dearest.

Natasha: Oh, darling, you're wonderful.

Sliney: You can go together. I don't even care any more.

Ben and Natasha walk over to officers. During their interview, shoppers walk in and out without buying anything. Mayer takes notes, while Oscar is questioning.

Oscar: Didn't I say groups of one?

Ben: We're inseparable.

Natasha: I've never done anything without him.

Oscar: Alright, fine. Have you seen any suspicious looking men around the store?

Natasha: The only man I've seen is right here. He's the only man for me.

Patrick enters, head down, and begins cleaning the racks.

Oscar: That's great... Have you seen anything funny going on?

Ben: No, but I heard a funny joke. Ready for it?

Oscar: No, sir, I don't think we have time-

Ben: What do you get when you cross a Russian woman with an American department store?

Oscar: Really, please-

Natasha: What do you get, Benny Foo Foo?

Ben: My love!


Natasha: (Laughing) Oh, Ben, you're so funny! Why did it take me so long to find you?

Ben: Because you used to live in the Soviet Union?

Natasha: Oh, yeah. That might be it.

Natasha: (counting on her fingers) You're nice, kind, funny, amazingly talented, athletic, musical, cultured, and well-read...

Ben: Don't forget humble.

Natasha: And humble. Is there anything you can't do?

Ben: Pumpkins.

Natasha: What?

Ben: Pumpkins. I can't do pumpkins. They scare the salmon out of me. They're so round and orange...

Natasha: You don't like Jack-O-Lanterns?

Ben: No, I kinda like Jack-O-Lanterns. It's actually pumpkins that scare me.

Natasha: Why?

Isabelle enters on other side of stage and begins browsing.

Ben: When I was a little boy, my family lived on a farm, and we grew vegetables. One year, we had a pumpkin that was sure to win the County Fair record. It was huge! Sixteen feet high, twenty-three feet around, and other measurements as well! Well, my friends and I were playing on it, and it broke. I fell right in.

Natasha: That's horrible!

Ben: That's not the worst of it! My friends took off. They just left me stuck in that pumpkin. I was there for three days.

Natasha: Oh, my!

Stickyfingers enters with a small shopping bag. He puts two things in it, and walks off unnoticed.

Ben: They sent out a search party, and I was found by a helicopter pilot. When they finally got me out of the pumpkin, my father reprimanded me for ruining his record. I left home, and joined the circus the next day.

Natasha: I never would have guessed!

Ben: But it's turned out alright, I figure, because when the circus went to Leningrad is when I met you for the first time. You were only six and I was only eight, but I knew I loved you from the first time I saw you.

Oscar: It's great that you guys have found your own special someones, but we have some more questions for you.

Mayer: Yeah. How did you grow a pumpkin that big?

Oscar: No, Mayer! Ah! This is useless. You two are free to go. If you see anything strange, remember to talk to us.

As Ben and Natasha cross to other side of stage to continue work, Isabelle reaches for a sweatshirt that is too high for her to grab.

Ben: Let me help you with that, ma'am. (He grabs the sweatshirt and hands it to her)

Isabelle: Thank you very much young lad. You are so wonderful.

Ben: I know. I take cash and personal checks, if you must. I prefer cash. No plastic, please.

Isabelle: I only have my credit card on me now. I'm sorry.

Ben: Oh, alright. This time was free, but remember to always carry some extra cash on you at all times. Large bills are best.

Isabelle: Yes, young sir. I certainly will.(She takes the sweatshirt to the register where Greg is standing and checks out, paying with cash. Exits.
Ben and Natasha return to work, and Greg returns to scrubbing the floor, where Sliney notices him.)

Sliney: Greg, what the devil are you doing?

Greg: You told me to clean, sir. I'm cleaning.

Sliney: Greg, that is my toothbrush. I had planned to clean my teeth with that brush after lunch. Now, it has floor gunk on it. Do you expect me to brush my teeth with my toothbrush now that you've brushed the floor with it?

Greg: Umm, no?

Sliney: Then why did you use my toothbrush to clean the floor?

Greg: You gave it to me, sir.

Sliney: Ah, yes. Well continue.

Oscar: Sliney, we'll take the next one now, and make sure it's only one!

Sliney goes into the back room, as if looking for more employees. During that time, Stickyfingers enters with a backpack. He puts a few things in it, and walks off unnoticed. Enter Jacques.

Jacques: Ou sont les pantalons? Ou sont? Ah! Zut alors! Ou sont les pantalons?

Greg moves to him to help.

Greg: (quietly) Can I help you, sir?

Jacques: Quoi?

Greg: (getting louder) Can I help you, sir?

Jacques: Je ne parle pas anglais, et tu ne parles pas francais. Tu ne peux pas aider moi.

Greg: (louder) Sir, what do you need?

Jacques: Je ne désire rien de toi. J'ai besoin de pantalon, c'est tout.

Greg: Right. (Very loud) Would you like a nice shirt? (Holds up a shirt)

Jacques: Non.

Greg: How 'bout some pants? (Holds up some pants)

Jacques: Mais, oui! (Takes the pants) Tu es fantastique! (Grabs his face and kisses him on both cheeks. Greg looks awestruck and scared. Jacques runs to register, where Greg rings up the pants)

Greg: That'll be 29.99

Jacques: Euro?

Greg: Dollars

Jacques: (Thinks for a moment) Ah, oui! Cinq Euros!

Hands Greg five Euros and leaves triumphantly.

Greg: (returning to rack where Sliney is still working) Can you believe that? That guy didn't speak any English at all. I mean, if you're going to come to America, at least speak English!

Sliney: I know what you mean. I went to France once, and all the people I met there spoke English, so it didn't matter that I couldn't speak French. Why can't those people come over here, instead of unbathed, unsmart Frenchmen who can't even speak our language. Everyone should just learn English, it would make everything so much easier.

Stickyfingers enters with a large duffel bag. He puts several things in it, and walks off unnoticed.

Greg: How can people speak two languages? I mean, two languages in one head? Who can live at that speed?

Oscar: The Dutch speak four languages, and they wear shoes made out of wood. By the way, Sliney, I need one more!

Sliney: Greg, I'd like you to go talk to the officers now.

Greg: (Sarcastically and cynically) Yes, sir.

Oscar: Alright, kid. Have you seen anything strange?

Greg: Strange?

Oscar: Yeah, anything abnormal?

Greg: Abnormal?

Oscar: Yes. Anything you wouldn't expect to see in a normal day?

Stickyfingers enters with a suitcase. He puts several things in it, and walks off unnoticed.

Greg: Excuse me, officer. I work at Stella's department store. Everything I see is strange. Half of my customers don't speak English. I have seen parents much worse than mine ever were, and I'm pretty messed up as it is. I had a customer in here the other day who had a kid on a leash. On a leash! Leashes are for dogs, monkeys, and weathermen, not for kids. I had a man come in yesterday who looked exactly like John Lennon, and he talked like Elvis. Today, my boss told me to clean the floor with a toothbrush, and then he yelled at me because he wanted to brush his teeth with the same toothbrush. These things are strange. They're abnormal. Most people don't see them in a normal day.


Oscar: Oh, right... Well, I'm very sorry about that.

Mayer: My mother used to keep me on a leash.

Oscar: That explains a lot. (To Greg) Well, to be blunt, have you seen any members of the mafia walking around Stella's today?

Greg: (Awed) The mafia? I love the mafia. I've wanted to be in the mafia since I was little. Who are you looking for? I know them all.

Oscar: Roberto “Wrinkle Free” Capelli, and two of his henchmen.

Greg: Roberto “Wrinkle Free” Capelli, here? That's amazing. I've been scared of him since I was six. He whacked my uncle on my front porch when I was in fourth grade. (Pause) He is my hero.

Oscar: Alright, I can tell you won't be any help to us. You may return to work. (Greg walks back to the counter) Let me see your notes, Mayer. (Grabbing the notebook from Mayer) What is this? (Flipping pages) And this? And this? (With a painful look) Ooh, what in Buddha's name is that? Mayer, these aren't notes. They're... they're... Impressionistic sketches! What are you doing?

Mayer: I thought they were nice. Look at the flowers on that one. Don't they look real?

Sliney: (Walking over, and looking at the notebook) Nice drawings. Do we have a Picasso here?

Mayer: Picasso was a Cubist. These are Impressionistic.

Oscar: It doesn't matter what style they are! They're not what he was supposed to be doing!

Sliney: Oh. Anyway, I have two more employees left, if you want to interview them.

Oscar: Yes, we'll do that. Send them both in, I don't want to waste any more time.

Sliney crosses across the stage and sends Mary and Theresa to the officers.

Oscar: Alright, ladies, have you seen any strange men in here today?

Theresa: Strange? All men are strange, aren't they, sister?

Mary: Yes, all men are strange, except those three who came in earlier today. They were fine!

Theresa: Sister, we shouldn't be thinking thoughts like that! We have devoted our lives to the Church, and we will know no man.

Mary: I know, but can't I just make judgments about a man's looks?

Theresa: Not unless you want to be counted among the heathens.

Mary: Ugh. I hate heathens. There's nothing I hate more than heathens. Well, except for Communists. Communists are not only heathens, but they believe in equality. Seriously now, not everybody can be equal. There has to be an upper class, made up of the good people of society, and a lower class, made up of heathens, atheists, musicians, soccer players, hippies, teachers, and Communists. It's the way the world works.

Theresa: Yes, sister. Let's not get into this discussion here. Let's head back to the convent, and we can talk about it there.

Oscar: You can't just head back to the convent! Not only are you at work, but you're being interviewed by the police! You can't just walk out. I won't allow it!

Mayer: (Jumping up) Yeah! What he said!

Oscar: (Looking at Mayer, befuddled by his stupidity) Right, Mayer. Why don't you sit down and let me handle this?

Mayer: (Sitting down) OK...

Theresa: By the way, Mary, did you see that cute pink tank top on that shelf over there? It's so nice. I think I want to buy it.

Mary: You can't just buy it. We don't have any money. Vow of poverty, remember? And a cute pink tank top? That has to be a sin. I think I can remember something in the Bible saying that cute pink tank tops are sinful. Fashionitis 23:15, I believe. Look it up.

Stickyfingers enters with a larger suitcase. He puts several things in it, and walks off. Sliney notices him.

Oscar: This is useless. I'm leaving.

Sliney: (Running up to Oscar) Officer, did you just see that?

Oscar: See what?

Sliney: That man just walked out of the store with a suitcase filled with clothes.

Mayer: So?

Sliney: He didn't pay for them!

Mayer: Oh. Isn't that illegal?

Sliney: Yes! That's why I'm talking to you about it.

Oscar: Please pardon my assistant, his mother kept him on a leash. Mayer and I will hide in these racks, and if he comes back, we'll nab him.

Oscar and Mayer hide under two different racks, on on either side of the stage. Stickyfingers enters with a trunk, takes all the clothes off the rack Mayer is hiding under, closes the trunk, and leaves. Oscar peers out from under his rack, and sees Mayer, sitting under an empty rack.

Oscar: Mayer! What just happened?

Mayer: The shoplifter came in and stole some clothes, just like we thought he would.

Oscar: And why didn't you stop him?

Mayer: He looked pretty busy, sir. I didn't want to interrupt.

Oscar: Mayer, you inept hooligan! That man is a criminal. You are a police officer. You are supposed to interrupt him!

Mayer: Oh, sorry, sir. I'll do that next time.

Oscar: You'd better. Now, get under a different rack, and get out of the open.

As soon as Mayer is hidden, Stickyfingers enters with an even larger trunk. He begins to take clothes off the rack Oscar is hiding under. Oscar pops out and grabs him.

Oscar: You are under arrest!

Mayer: Yeah! What he said!

Stickyfingers: I'm innocent! I didn't do it! You can never prove anything!

Oscar puts Stickyfingers in the trunk, and then he and Mayer carry the trunk out of the store.

Sliney, Greg, Mary and Theresa follow them out. They take the clothes stolen by Stickyfingers and restock the empty rack. Enter Capelli and Mobsters from the back room.

Capelli: Ya know, boys, the kids of today don't think sweatpants are very hip. They're not cool, not in fashion. However, after a long day of whackings, extortions, embezzlements, and fraud, all in this stylish, yet uncomfortable, business suit, I don't care about fashion. All I want is comfort. Sweatpants are, as they say, key.

Nodding in agreement, each of the mobsters take a pair of sweatpants from the rack. Sliney exits, not noticing them.

Mobster 1: These sweatpants are going to be really nice tonight. Long day.

Capelli: Yeah, it was a shame we had to dispose of Vinnie today. He was like a brother to me.

Mobster 1: He was your brother.

Capelli: Yes, he was. However, he offended me, and he offended the family. He had to be eliminated. The fish in the East River will probably enjoy the new scenery. (Pause) Speaking of that, I need a new shirt. I got blood on my favorite white one.

Mobster 2: Occupational hazard.

Mobster 1: Ya go through so many pieces of clothing in this line of work, it's incredible.

Mobster 2: Good thing we get paid so well. Nice silk shirts are so expensive, and I can't wear anything else. I'm allergic to cotton.

Mobster 1: Allergic to cotton?

Mobster 2: Yeah. Allergic to cotton.

Greg: It's really common. I know loads of people who are allergic to cotton.

Mobster 1: Have you been listening to our whole conversation? Guys, I think we're going to have to get rid of this one.

Mobster 2: Yeah, let's do it right now!

The mobsters pick Greg up by his ankles, and he looks very scared.

Capelli: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Calm down. This isn't necessary. I actually like this kid. We'll just take him fishing with us this weekend.

Mobsters drop Greg to the floor. He gets up quickly and runs to thank Capelli, shaking his hand vigorously.

Greg: Thank you so much, sir. I'll never forget what you've done for me.

Capelli: Good. I think he'll be more than welcomed on our fishing trip, don't you, boys? (Mobsters nod) We ran out of shark bait last month.

Greg bolts out of the store. The Mobsters begin to laugh uncontrollably.

Mobster 1: Did you see the look on his face?

Mobster 2: He probably wet himself!

Mobster 1: He won't stop running for days.

Capelli: (Calmly) Calm down, gentlemen. I know exactly where he'll stop running, the police station. Let's finish our shopping and get out of here before he comes back.

Capelli and Mobsters go to a rack with shirts on it, and Capelli picks one out.

Capelli: This one is perfect. Right size, good color, I love the material. Oh, no! It's wrinkled! We can't have that, now can we? I hate wrinkles. (He throws the shirt across the room and picks up another one) Here, this one is better. No wrinkles in this. And while we're here, we may as well get some supplies. (Mobsters pick up several unmarked boxes) My treat today, guys. (Takes all the sweatpants from the basket, and with the shirt, goes to the register, where he coughs loudly and waits for Sliney to come in)

Sliney: Can I help you?

Capelli: I'd like this shirt, these sweatpants, and these supplies.

Patrick: Alright... (Takes shirt, and folds it)

Capelli: Do not wrinkle that shirt. So help me God, if you wrinkle that shirt, I will whack you... and your family.

Sliney: (Very matter-of-fact) I don't have a family. No woman has ever liked me enough to spend more than an hour with me. I have had three dates where the woman jumped out the bathroom window, just to get away from me, and one of them was from the second floor. On my eighteenth birthday, my mother kicked me out of the house. I live a very lonely life.

Capelli: Thank you for being so candid. I won't waist time looking for your family, then. Ah! It looks like you've done a rather fine job with the shirt.

Sliney: Let me just get a price check on these, one moment.

Oscar and Mayer enter.

Oscar: I can't believe you left your gun! We were almost back at the station, too!

Sliney: (Over the intercom) Price check on trash bags, rope, and cement!

Oscar: Sounds like we found them!

Capelli: (Noticing Officers) Actually, we'll be leaving now. Thanks anyway.

They start to head off right, but Officer Oscar blocks their way.

Capelli: We'll go this way, then.

Turn to go off left, but Oscar gestures to Mayer, and he rushes over to block their exit. Capelli looks at him, and continues walking.

Capelli: It was a pleasure to see you again Officer Mayer. (Shakes his hand) My friends and I were just about to leave though. Sorry we can't stay and chat. Say hi to your wife for me! (Exits with Mobsters)

Oscar: Mayer, you nitwit! You let him get away!

Mayer: He was leaving, and I didn't want to make him late. Besides, he said hi to my wife.

Oscar: What did I tell you earlier about being a police officer? You're supposed to make criminals late. It's your job. (Pause) And you're not even married!

Mayer: Oh, yeah. I knew that sounded kinda funny.

Oscar: If they escape again, and it's your fault, I'm going to be very upset. (Runs off stage, with Mayer following close behind)

Greg enters.

Greg: This has been a rather exciting day.

Sliney: This is nothing. You should have been here during the great robbery of '74. We had every article of clothing in the store, and two cashiers, stolen, without anyone noticing. It was horrible.

Greg: Did they ever find them?

Sliney: Yeah, we got the clothes back within a week.

Greg: No, the cashiers. Did they ever find the cashiers?

Sliney: I don't think so. We all figured they were sold into slavery in Mexico, but we don't know. They seem to have just disappeared.

Greg: (Laughs nervously) Oh, ok...

Capelli and Mobsters run in, with Officers right behind them.

Oscar: Ha! What are you going to do now, Capelli? You're trapped!

Capelli: No I'm not.

Oscar: What?

Capelli: I'm not trapped, there's a door in front of me.

Oscar: Oh, yeah, you're right. You didn't answer my question, though. What are you going to do?

A piano is rolled out, and the Summer Nights bass line begins. Vamp. Shoppers begin to enter from both sides, Group 1 on Oscar's side, and Group 2 on Capelli's side.

Capelli: Seeing as I'm not trapped, I think I want to sing.

Oscar: I'm about to arrest you, and you want to sing?

Capelli: Yeah, I do. Do you ever get a song stuck in your head, like it's being played right next to you- (Notices piano) oh- and you just need to sing?

Oscar: Actually, yes. (Sings) Sunday shopping, had a good time.

Capelli: (Sings) Sunday shopping, committed no crime.

Oscar: Caught a crook, filled me with glee.

Capelli: Saw a cop, he wants t' arrest me.

Both: Deal with loons, all afternoons, but, uh oh, that's department stores!

Customers: Oh, Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Group 1: Tell me more, tell me more! Did you put them in jail?

Group 2: Tell me more, tell me more! Did you catch that good sale?

Oscar: Took a crazy to the loony bin.

Capelli: Had to elim'nate some of my kin.

Oscar: Caught a shoplifter, as was my wish.

Capelli: Brother Vinnie now sleeps with the fish.

Both: Find a good buy and run from good guys, but, uh oh, that's department stores!

Customers: Oh, Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!

Group 1: Tell me more, tell me more! Like do you like your job?

Group 2: Tell me more, tell me more! What's it like in the mob?

Music slows.

Capelli: I should get going, he'll soon come here.

Oscar: This arrest will make my career.

Capelli: If I don't go, I'll soon be in chains.

Oscar: Just saying the word is all that remains.

Both: All these clothes, and all of my foes, but, oh, that's department stores!

Music stops. Oscar lunges and grabs Capelli, then cuffs him.

Oscar: You're under arrest!

Capelli: Oh, snap! (Snaps) I'm captured!

On the snap, all the employees return to their original personalities. The cuddling Ben and Natasha split apart and look disgusted at each other.

Mary and Theresa: (Throwing off their hats and running out, grabbing skimpy clothing on their way. Ad libbed) What are we wearing? What is this? It's awful!

Curtain closes.