pieces

I hate how I don't feel strong any more... no, how I can't feel strong. I feel like I'm searching for something that will never exist for me again. A security and closeness that will never be obtainable. Places, always places, but never a home. Lacking the comfort and stability. I still cry, but it goes along with my lack of strength, for tears and emotion (or expression of either) are a weakness. If I express my feelings, that means I have to own up to them and they become a reality instead of just a thought. They become TO real... when they're in the open, I can't hide from them anymore. What if I just listened? Never spoke, just retained information, thoughts, and feelings. Can you actually know to much? Does sharing it create room for more? Do you lose part of it, or yourself with every person you tell? You can lose part of yourself in a lot of different ways... a broken heart, growing apart, even through good friendships, your giving up pieces of yourself. That's what sacrifices are. So for me, that desire, that craving for security has a large portion of me. All my friends, true & so called, have pieces of me. What if I lose all the pieces before I even figure out who I am? How many pieces do I have left? Is it enough to build on or settle with? Do they grow back? Maybe that's why I'm not strong... maybe my absence of pieces is making me weak. But I have so many secrets! Allot that hurt to keep inside. Maybe if I let them out and share them, the secrets and the memories that go with them will fade. But those are pieces of me, and from the sound of it, I don't have to many left, so I guess I'll keep those to myself...
When you lose or give away all of yourself, do you get to start over? Or is it like the living dead... you don't mean anything, you just exist? If that was the case, people would still remember you, of course, because they have your pieces... but you'd be in a void, a blank spot, just passing time until physical death. Or maybe the pieces get recycled? Like if you gave a friend a part of you whether with your heart or through a sacrifice, and it was a mutual friendship, then they'd have to give a piece back, right? Like feeding into one anothers lives... Then you could always keep going... But what if it didn't work that way. What if it didn't recycle and the pieces just fell into the void as well...
When your born, you have to have 100% of your pieces, right? And since your social circle only contains your parents and maybe siblings, your pieces get rationed between them. But as you get older, you create more bonds and each of those people with close bonds (or the void) retain a piece of you. So does that mean that you get more pieces of you as you grow? Or can you take them back? But if you didn't continuously or willingly give them part of you on purpose, then what makes you be able to willingly take it back? And if some people or things mean more to you, wouldn't they have a bigger piece? Which means that the more important something is to you, the more control it has, and you, the mental, emotional, and spiritual you, depletes. For example, lets say you gave your everything, all your pieces to your work or a significant other... maybe that's the void. Instead of living for yourself, your life is revolving around your job or them. It's no longer in you control. It's in their control. So how many pieces of yourself is it actually safe to give up? I mean, if you had 100 people and 100 pieces and they each had one piece, even though it's spread out, your still not in control of your life and your not living for yourself because your living for them. They own you. Where's the medium? You have to be able to compromise and share part of yourself without actually losing who you are. Getting wrapped up in one or a few things consumes us and we start to identify ourselves with it. We become one in the same... Losing ourselves and becoming something different. Obsessed and not being able to function without it.