Missing Libby

Lacey hit the snooze button. The sheet quickly went over her head. She knew she had to get out of that bed. This was a ritual or more of a battle, that she wrestled with every morning. She intentionally set her clock 15 minutes earlier that she had to ,so she could hit that button three times. Three times and then the clock would win. She hated that clock. Well, really she hated any time piece. They always had her running late. She knew it wasn't the clock or the watch. But these were the things that reminded her continually of her shorfalls of never being on time.
As her feet landed squarely on the floor she looked out the window. Clouds blocked the sun, reinforcing her thoughts of staying right where she was. Resentfully forcing her body, house shoes left behind, to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, letting the water get nice and hot. As she undressed the steam filled the room. Her mind clearing a bit, she sighs. What do i have to get done today.? No, what do i want to get done today.?
In the shower, her mild irritation for leaving her warm comfortable bed, starts to wash right down the drain.
She thinks of her Libby. Her sweet little girl, Libby. The tears begin to come, as they have came everyday for the last year. Not at all like her grief couselor had predeicted , right after Libby's funeral.
She had attended grief counseling for three months,and was not gaining any relief.On giving up the classes her Physician had prescribed countless different meds ,to no avail. She wanted the pain to stop.
But then she didn't want the pain to stop, if it stopped, she was afraid she would forget. In a way the pain was her comforter. Since saying good-bye to Libby, the pain had been her constant companion.
Today she would go to the cemetary on her way to work,or better, she would skip work and spend the whole day with her precious Libby.
Walking into Libby's room, nothing changed, she sat on the little bed. She pulled Libby's favorite little doll from the pile on her bed. She put the doll to her nose, hoping that it still had the sweet smell of Libby. It did, and more tears fell. The word "Why" always came to her mind still. It still did not make since that a five year old little darling like Libby that was as gentle and refreshing a light rain, would have to leave so soon.
Lacey scolded herself. This is not how Libby would want you to act! Your little girl was so strong. Thinking of her daughters reaction ,when she was told that the doctors could not fix her defected heart.
She was worried at first. Always asking why God let her be born with a bad heart, and why couldn't the doctors fix her.
Then after awhile her worry left and her spirit was so calm, she was a rock. She would explain to Lacey that God knew about her heart. That he was taking care of her. Lacey feeling so awkward and helpless.
I am the mommy, i can't fix this!!!! But Libby never faltered in her spirit, even when her little body could not get up. She would give a smile ,if she was able, and she would tell her mommy, that she was going to be all right.
Libby was all right, Lacey knew this to be true in her heart. But she also knew that with her little girl, went a piece of her heart .A piece that never could be replaced.For right now, she could live with that. Lacey settled in for the long haul.
This was her life , her grief and she would face it everyday. Libby found the courage and so would she.