The Summer of a Sparrow

Scott Sparrow was sitting in the living room of his grandparents’ house. He and his mom were living there because his parents had just gotten a divorce, and they had nowhere else to go. The house was deserted except for Scott, who, in his opinion, was living the hardest life anyone could expect him to live. He was depressed because he had few friends, no “significant other”, and his mom acted like she hated him.

He was sitting in his grandfather’s chair, listening to the radio. He was utterly intrigued by the Swiss Army knife he was turning over and over in his hands. How easy it would be to get rid of all of my problems with just two simple strokes. As Scott opened the knife, he had a vision of what the future could hold. It was a vision of a funeral home, with a casket and two people holding each other, both crying their eyes out. They were his two best friends, Chelsea and David. 'How could I be so selfish? How could I do this to them without any warning?'

Scott regained control of himself after he saw that vision, and he closed the knife. Then, he reached for a sheet of paper and a pen. On that paper, Scott spilled all of his emotions out in words that almost conveyed the pain and the depression he felt:

If I died right now, no one would notice. My idea of a friend is someone who you can cry on their shoulder, and I have no one like that. That means I have no real friends. I haven’t had a real friend like that for a very long time. Sarah has turned against me, and Chelsea has abandoned me. Megan is a bitch, and Valerie lives in West Frankfort. There’s no one who cares enough about me to keep me from killing myself. Yes, I’m wallowing in self-pity, but everyone needs to think of themselves at some time. I have no social life. I haven’t gone to any parties over the summer. Sometimes I think I should just get drunk and that would fix all my problems, at least for a little while. I either need to get drunk or laid, but my getting drunk is much more likely to happen. I have become very disturbed. I beg for your help!

When he was done, he made copies. Scott climbed into his car and drove to deliver the fresh copies to those mentioned in the letter. He felt that his friends should have some sort of warning about his condition.

On that same day, he received a phone call from Chelsea. She wanted to know what was going on, and to meet him at David’s house, so that they could talk to him and find out what was so horribly wrong in his life. When he got there, he thought it was strange that Chelsea was already there, and she and David were having a good time in spite of the circumstances.

* * * * *

As the next few days wore on, his life got fractionally better every day. Nothing horrible happened to him and he had started to realize that some people did care about his problems. Everything was going okay until Scott received a call from Chelsea around 10:30 on Saturday night. She called to inform him that she, who was like a sister to him, and David, who was like a brother to Scott, were getting together. This news made Scott undeniably speechless, for he was feeling the strangest sensation he had ever felt. Scott was not sure exactly what he was feeling, but he knew that he didn’t like it. He felt angry, happy, disappointed, lost, alone, and confused, all at the same time. To him, his two best friends had deserted him.

The next two weeks passed by very slowly and awkwardly for all three people. Anytime Scott would call either of them, they were always together. It seemed that there was no longer any time for him in their lives. It felt to Scott as if they had walked away from him; left him to fend for himself, when he was only halfway back to normal. Scott felt that he could, at any moment, fall into the chasm out of which he had just come.

* * * * *

On Saturday of the fifth week after the letter was written, his friend, Sarah, had a birthday party. He felt horribly for her when he got there because he and her boyfriend were the only two people who showed up. Scott didn’t realize that this day could change his life, if not forever, at least for a couple of weeks.

When Scott walked into Sarah’s house, he noticed her dad hooking up a speaker to the stereo. While her dad was doing that, her mom greeted Scott and asked, “Would you like a strawberry margarita?”

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, thinking that it was odd that she had asked him. It would be one of the biggest mistakes he would ever make. When Scott took the first sip, he thought, Holy shit! That has one hell of a bite! He took the second drink, and the bite started to fade away. That’s when he started enjoying it.
At about six o’clock, Scott called Chelsea to see what she and David were doing. When she answered, she said that they were on their way to a restaurant.

“You sound really happy considering your current condition,” she said.

He replied, “Yeah, Sarah’s got a buzz, and her boyfriend is extremely drunk, but I’ve only had one margarita.”

“What?!” she screamed. “You’re drinking?!”

“Yeah, but I’ve only had one,” Scott replied quietly.

“It doesn’t matter! I thought I had more of an influence on you, but obviously not!” she replied angrily. “Bye.” Click.

Scott stood there in disbelief, staring at his phone. He couldn’t believe that she was so angry with him over just one drink.

As he went back inside, Sarah asked him what was wrong. Scott said that nothing was wrong, and he went back inside. He thought he might end up with a hangover, so he grabbed a bottle of water to drink. Scott had always heard that if you chase alcohol with water, the effects would be lessened.

He didn’t go home until eleven o’clock that night. That alcohol ought to be out of my system by now. He said goodbye to Sarah and apologized for no one else showing up. Scott got in his car and left.

The next day, Scott woke up with no side effects of the previous night. When the clock reached ten o’clock, he called Chelsea to apologize. When she answered, she blew up at him. He did nothing except stay on the phone. Scott had expected this, and it had almost killed him when she didn’t do that the night before. When she finally paused for a breath, Scott said that he was extremely sorry. When she heard that, she said that she forgave him, but it would take a while for this to blow over. When he hung up the phone, he still felt really bad, but it felt as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Even though she had forgiven him, his entire day was worthless. He could concentrate on nothing except what had happened that day. He was reflecting on that night in his mind, thinking about what could have happened versus what did happen. He couldn’t get over how stupid he had been over the past few weeks. Scott thought of it as stupid because he had never seen anyone break down like he did. He thought of himself as weak. What he didn’t realize was that he was not the only person who breaks down. As a matter of fact, Sarah herself had broken down three times, and he hadn’t known about any of them.

Sarah had just moved from Texas in February, and Scott had developed a crush on her. He knew that he should keep it under his hat, but he thought that maybe, if he gave her time, she might open up to the idea of going out with him.

Scott had had a really bad day on Wednesday, and
he called Sarah to see what she was doing. She invited him over to her house because she could tell that Scott really needed to talk to someone face-to-face.

When Scott arrived, Sarah was the only one there. Good, we have some privacy. When Sarah sat down in the living room, she asked, “Now, what’s wrong?”

“I need you to answer a question that I know you don’t want to answer,” Scott replied.

“OK, what’s the question?”

“Why is it that no one likes me well enough to go out with me? What’s wrong with me?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “You asked me this once before.”

“I know I did, but I thought that maybe you had come up with an answer in the time I have given you.”

“I really can’t answer that question for you, Scott. I probably never will,” she said sorrowfully.

“I’m just so lost,” he said as he sank to the floor. “I feel like I have been in a cloud of complete darkness for five and a half years, when I finally see a faint light. But when I reach for that light, I grab naught but thin air, for that light has forever gone. I have had a crush on you since you moved here, but now I find out that Josh still likes you, and you probably want to be with him more than you would want to be with me. Am I too good of a friend to people? Is that it? It seems that I become friends with the people that I like, ask them out, and then they don't want to go out with me because they see me more as a brother than a boyfriend. But if I'm an ass to the people that I like, they won't like me then, either, because they will think I'm someone that I'm not."

By now, Scott has tears rolling down his cheeks. He had become a pitiful sight. “I know not what to do.” Scott’s voice then faltered, so he just sat there, on the floor, and cried silently.

Sarah felt so badly for him that she did not know what to do other than comfort him, so she sat down next to him and let him cry on her shoulder. Scott realized then that he did have someone who would be there for him when he needed that someone, contrary to what he had written two months ago in the letter.

He sat there and cried for about fifteen minutes, and then he stopped long enough to say, “I’m sorry, Sarah. I should never have done this to you.”

“What do you think you have done to me?” she inquired.

“I wish I had more control over my emotions, because I really want to be your friend, even if we can’t be closer than just friends. Our friendship will never be the same again. There will always be certain things that you will hide from me because you know how I really feel. I am so weak,” Scott replied in a soft tone.

“You are not weak, Scott. You just have more and more terrible things happen to you than other people do. When I broke down, I thought I was weak, too. I know now that I am not weak, but I am stronger than most people in a way. If other people had the problems that I have, most would have already killed themselves. I am strong because I have only broken down and not gone further,” Sarah replied emphatically.

“For some reason, I don’t believe you. I am one of the smartest students in this class, and I can't figure out my own life. Do you know how sad that is?" Scott asked.

"Scott, you are one of the smartest students in the class, and you did figure out how to deal with your life. You asked for help, which is not a weakness, but only a few people can see when they need help, and fewer still people ask for that help. The fact that you asked for help tells people that you know that you aren't perfect. It shows that you aren't egotistical, and it shows bravery," Sarah replied emotionally. She started to cry because she thought that she had failed Scott, but in all reality, she had given him a lesson that he would never forget. He would always thank her for making him realize that he was not weak.

When Scott finally stopped sobbing, Sarah said, “Why don’t you stay here for a while longer. I want you to tell me everything that is on your mind. I don’t want you to leave anything out because I know that after talking about it, you will feel better.”

“I’m fine—“

“No, you’re not. If you were fine, you wouldn’t have started crying right here. I may not be the best at reading people, but I know that you aren’t ‘fine’,” Sarah interrupted.

“Maybe I don’t want to tell you everything, Sarah. My life is a nightmare. I don’t want to impose on you everything that has happened to me. I know that I must tell someone, but you are not the one whom I must tell. I don’t want to go through my entire life with you because I am afraid that it will make you feel sorry for me, and I don’t want that,” Scott said.

“Just tell me, please. I am afraid that if you don’t tell me now, you will never tell anyone.”

He paused for a moment, the said, “All right, I’ll tell you. I must warn you, though, my life has true horrors in it.”

Scott got off of the floor, sat down on the sofa, and told her the entire story. When Scott finished, Sarah said nothing. She just gave him a hug, and held him. It was a silent “I’m sorry”.

* * * * *

“You need to learn that when David and I are together, we want to be alone. We don’t get much time together anymore, so we want that time to be meaningful,” Chelsea told Scott over the phone on Thursday morning. He had called her the previous day to tell her about what had happened at Sarah’s house. He thought that it was a big enough event that she would want to know. Evidently, he thought wrong.

“I can see your point. It’s just weird that the two of you have gotten together.”

“I know, but that doesn’t mean that you can intrude whenever you like . Sometimes you have to leave us alone,” Chelsea replied. Scott could tell that this had really gotten to her.

"Well, I need to let you go because I've got Calculus homework to do," Scott said, trying to get out of this predicament.

"You know, homework is supposed to be done at home, or are you too busy drinking?"

"That was completely uncalled for, Chelsea. Bye." Click.

Scott was furious at Chelsea. He could not believe that she would even think something like that, so he especially did not think that she would say it. He furiously got out of his car and walked into the building, still fuming. Megan had parked right next to him, and she saw that he was mad about something. “What’s wrong, Scott?”

“Nothing. Just don’t worry about it,” Scott replied nastily.

He went through most of the day without thinking about what Chelsea had said, and for that, he was grateful. He had much more important things to worry about.

That night, Chelsea called him and told him that she regretted saying what she had said. She said that she did not know why she had said it, but it had just popped into her head. Scott was still in a pretty bad mood because I’m at home, and I have homework to do.”

Chelsea called about five times, one right after the other, trying to get Scott to answer the phone. On the sixth call, he answered the phone. “Do you need something?”

Chelsea was furious. “I don’t know what your problem is, but it’s your problem. You need to deal with it! You shouldn’t go around trying to make other people feel sorry for you when you got yourself into the mess.”

“Chelsea, listen to me! I didn’t ask for you and David to get together. You have no idea what it feels like. I used to be able to call you and somehow find comfort in your words, which is exactly what I needed. Then I could call David, and he would help take my mind off of my life, too. I had two sources of comfort until you two got together. Now I feel as if there is no longer any time for me. You guys are always busy with schoolwork or you’re together, and God forbid if I call while you guys are together, no matter how important it is. I think it’s time that I leave the two of you alone for a few days. If you call me, I will be much more unavailable. You will be lucky to talk to me once a week. The two of you want to be left alone, so be it. I must go because I’m at home, and I have homework to do. I have to go, bye,” Scott said furiously. He slammed the phone down onto the counter.

The next day, at school, David decided that he was going to talk to him about the situation. "Scott, we need to talk."

"No, we don't. I only have one thing to say,
and that is 'I'm sorry.' I'm sorry that This has happened, and I’m sorry that I have to do this. That is all I have to say."

David stood in the middle of the class and started yelling at Scott. "You need to learn where your place is! We thought that you would be happy for us, but instead you told her that it was making you jealous. We thought that you would understand that we want some time alone, but you don't! You get pissed off at us, and there is nothing either one of us can do about it. You have--"

Scott stood up and got in David’s face. "Look David, you need to shut up about what I feel! You don't have any idea how hard it is for me to accept that this is happening! I used to be able to call both of you and receive some sort of comfort, but now I feel like I can't call either one of you anymore! I don't need friends that make me feel that way. Friends are supposed to be there for each other at all times, not when they feel like it or when they have time! I have said it before, and I will keep saying it until you get it through that thick skull of yours, I'm sorry!" Scott turned away from David, and got his books. "I am going to the office, because if I don't, I just might lose control," he said to the teacher.

Scott thought that the rest of the day would be peaceful, but he was wrong. David decided to start in on Scott again in the last period of the day. Scott was sitting down, facing the front of the room, when David walked around in front of him. “I can’t believe that you are being such an ass—“ David started to say.

“No, I’m not being the ass, here. You should respect my decision, not try to change it.” Scott stood up and spoke in a level tome of voice to David. The whole room got deathly silent. “I thought that you two would be more understanding that this. I think it’s time that the three of us went our separate ways.”

David started accusing Scott, and pointed his finger at him, “We would prefer that we go one way, and you go another. We thought that we were helping you by being there when you needed us. We didn’t ask to be there, but there we were. We expected that you would at least thank us, but you haven’t.”

“David, I don’t need this right now. Go sit down and shut up. We might talk about this later.”

“No, we will talk about this now or not at all! If you don’t want to be our friend anymore, fine. I have no complaints. We don’t need you or your approval. I hate to see this, but if it’s what you want, I can’t stop you. I wish things could be different,” David said mournfully.

“So do I, David. I don’t want to see this happen, either, but I need to do this so that I can move on with my life. Right now, the two of you are holding me back in the past. I have to do this, for my sake. I hope you can understand.” The dismissal bell rang after Scott said this, and he was the first student out of the room. Everything he had said to both David and Chelsea had been true, but he had to get them out of his mind. He would never forget them, but he had to distance himself from them for some time.

Scott had finally accepted the fact that he was meant to be alone. He didn’t want to be alone, but he had the most wonderful feeling as he walked out of the building. He knew that he was doing the right thing. He also realized that the only way he would completely heal from his past was to be free from all ties to the past. He could still be friends with Sarah, though, because she represented a new beginning. 'I might not be alone, after all. Sarah just might be able to join me on my next adventure. This adventure, however, I must go on alone.' Scott got in his car and drove off.