Journal of a Broken Woman

Journey of a Broken Woman

What does it take to profoundly change a life? For me it took twelve days. I will never be the girl that I was. I am forever changed. The fairytale world I lived in was built on lies. A world that quickly became my nightmare. However, this story does have a happy ending. So in answer to your question: I believe that the most important decision I have ever made in order to be happy and successful was to embrace freedom.

April 1st
Today is one of the best and worst days of my life. I knew I should have went to the hospital last night, but he wouldn’t let me leave. Now he’s two thousand miles away. I have just had our son alone. They say he won’t make it. I won’t either without him. I have to go.

April 12th
Other moms don’t realize how selfish they sound. They are upset because their babies cry all night. I want to scream! Don’t they realize what they have? My son will never cry - he will never open his eyes! After today, I will never get to hold or comfort him again.

May 12th
It’s been days since I’ve slept. Everyone tries to comfort me but that is something I will never feel again. I want my son! My family doesn’t want to see his pictures. Don’t they realize those are the only ones I will ever have? His father still hasn’t learned not to hit me. It doesn’t hurt as bad now. I don’t think I’ll ever feel physical pain again.

August 12th
I woke up today and I can feel unbearable anguish for the son I’ll never see again. My arms ache. I have to hurry his father will be home. I can’t let him hurt me again. I have to get us out. The girl I was is gone....so naive.

Dear Dakota,
I love you. I cant say or think it enough. I wish you were here, but I am glad you don’t see what your sisters do. Today will be the last time I visit you. It isn’t safe. I have to get us away from here. I have to embrace freedom. Ill see you in my dreams where I can hold you. Love, Mommy

August 30th 2005
I’ve been gone a long time; long enough to breathe. I sleep most nights without terror and awake to a new day. Our lives are so different now: we are happy and safe. My arms still ache to hold him and most days I feel like it is a bad trade. My reoccurring thought is, “He saved his sisters- he saved us.”

Dear Dakota,
I know you see us smile, it is always filled with sadness, because you aren’t here. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I wonder everyday what you are doing. And then I can smile. Like the soft breeze after a spring rain my answer comes to me, You are watching us. I know the time will come when I can hold you again my angel. Until then I’ll try to be content with knowing you are always with me. I’ll always be thankful for you. You changed so much in our lives. I was broken without you my son. But I am starting to heal. I think I’ll go to bed now, see you in my dreams.
Mommy