The Emotional Coward

The Emotional Coward

She stood there still looking at his face. This wasn’t the first time that she had seen the look of disgust, wariness and anger on his face. Although she acknowledged this, she used all her strength to focus on less intense thoughts. Keep you mind blank, relax, that’s it. She would do this every time she managed to do something he didn’t approve of. It was getting harder over the years though. The blood coursing through her head, a clear indication of her rising temper got faster. She would feel an attack of lightheadedness, but ensure control by holding her hands behind her back so that her nails could do their worst to the insides of her palms.
Her face though, her face would always appear as a mask of cool indifference. Until she had her emotions in check, her eyes would glaze over and sometimes wander around the room slowly, indicating that she wasn’t really listening to him. Out of habit she had learnt how to drown out his voice and her muscles would eventually relax making her whole body feel heavy and languid. She had no idea when, how or why she used this automatic self defense system. All she was certain of was that this was the only thing she could rely on to get her through their inevitable fall outs.
Why not fight back? She asked herself countless of times. The truth was, she probably could and would, if she wasn’t afraid of unleashing the whole foray of emotions involved with it. What would happen if all that anger, hurt, misery and vengeance was released? Would there be irrevocable damages to their relationship which neither or them would be able to recover from? What of her own wellbeing? Would she feel better or would she fall into further despair? No, there was too much risk in fighting back. She would have to be content in bearing, forgiving and forgetting the harsh words spoken. All of this would blow over. It would just take time. Time and patience to heal once again.